My Only Light (Severus Snape Fanfic)

Letters & Confusion

I grabbed some parchment and said a few spells so he couldn't trace it back to me.

Severus Snape,

I don't even know how to start this letter. Or if I'll keep it a secret who I am. Well let's see.

I admire you. I know so little about you but it seems like I know you well. Your voice soothes all the pain I have. I want to be close to you. I'm not sure how to explain the feeling I get I'm new to the feeling thing. I'm not perfect you could probably do so much better than me, if only you knew. I want to feel your lips on mine and your breathe on my neck. I want you Severus.

Secret Admirer.

I decided to keep myself a secret. Writing the letter was awkward for me enough. I went into the bathroom and searched for my blade. It wasn't anywhere to be found. He must of took it. Severus healed all my wounds so only my old scars were visible. I summoned a new blade. I wanted more. I cut only a few knowing I had to stay quiet about it.

After awhile I went and collected all my homework. I went to my final class, potions. My wrist were wrapped with line. I had to see Severus again.

I walked in a little late to the class. I sat in the only seat available. Directly beside Draco and in front of Severus's desk. "Great". I mumbled.

Severus didn't even acknowledge that I was there continuing his lesson on the truth potion.

After he was down he gave us our assignment. Write 2 pages on the only acceptable time and uses to use the truth serum.

I started writing a few things, bouncing my leg up and down. I was anxious to talk to him. Make sure he didn't repeat anything what he saw.

I looked up briefly and he was staring at my wrist. I pulled down my sleeves a bit more. The blood showed through the line. "Damn." I thought. Soon it will be visible through my shirt. I forgot my robe since I was in a rush to make this class.

I looked up again and his eyes were on my wrist. Just staring blankly.

I pulled my arm underneath my desk and focused on writing. I got both pages done but I just sat there not wanting to get up or go towards him.

Class was finally over.

"You are dismissed, Nox stay after I'd like a word." His voice seemed agitated.

Everyone left the room excited class was over, they were whinning about the paper they had to write.

I stood slowly putting the paper in my right hand so I could hand it over without Snape seeing my left hand cut again. I grabbed my notebook and cradled in my left arm.

"Yes, Professor Snape?"

"About earlier-" He began but I interrupted.

"Forget that it ever happened! It won't happen again anyway so don't tell anyone! Here I'm done with my paper". I rushed out handing the essay over.

Severus took my paper and set it on his desk. "I wasn't going to tell anyone, as long as you don't do it again, I don't want a students blood on my hands." Why is it he cares then he doesn't.

"I won't do it again, you didn't have to unlock the door or heal me."

His eyes were pupil less, completely black. I was getting lost in those eyes.

"Show me your wrist". He held out his hand.

"Why you already cleaned me up". I opposed.

"Show me or I'll call Madam Pomfrey". I knew he was serious. I set my notebook on his desk and rolled my sleeves up just a bit. The line I wrapped was covered in blood.

I looked up at him feeling embarrassed.

"I just, I have too, I deserve it." I felt as if I was gonna cry.

Severus only looked at me. After a minute he grabbed onto my hand turning it over. I looked at him almost in shock that he was showing any signs of caring.

Gently unwrapping my bandage and cleaning the blood up; leaving the open wound to heal on its own he pulled me to behind his desk.

My heart raced when he gestured me to sit on his desk. Pulling out small bandages he wrapped my wrist.

"I, um, thank you Sir". I flinched.

"You shouldn't do this to yourself Mercy, you'll get attached to it". He looked genuinely concerned but still had a rough edge to his voice.

"I think I already am." I looked down at my dangling feet. I felt my cheeks warm with blush.

After awhile he rolled up his sleeve revealing faded scars. Ones like mine but older.

He started to talk in a whisper. "When I was 8 my father paid no attention to me, unless he was using me as a personal beating bag. My mother wasn't around much she had work and better things to do. I felt alone so I picked up my father's razor and did this, I didn't stop until I was about 9. I had a friend "lily" she made everything bad go away. Then I lost her to Potter, I began to cut again until I was 16. I found my way out, you have to find yours." He gave me a better look of his scars.

I slowly reached out and dragged my hand against them. "I'm so sorry Severus".

He snapped his hand back and covered his wrist. "Do not ever speak of what I said to you to anyone, understand?" He growled.

I shook my head yes and took that as my cue to leave.

I Gave the letter to my owl and told him where to go. I walked around Hogwarts waiting for my detention.

I found a empty room and decided to check it out. It was white hard stoned floor. I walked to the middle and thought about the days I use to dance contemporary and all the other fun dances I learned. I went to my room and pulled on my practice uniform I use to wear. It was black and flowed to the bottom of my thigh. My under suit matched my dress so nothing would show if I did any tricks, finally I brought my robe.

Grabbing my radio and putting on Words by Skylar Grey I began to dance. My body moved with the music. Pulling me into my own universe. I spun and danced until I couldn't anymore. It was almost time for my detention. I slipped my robe back on and grabbed my bag heading to lecture hall.

There were only a few students there tonight. I walked in and sat in the very back corner away from everyone else. I worked on all my school work stealing glances at Severus. Harry Potter came into view.

"Great".

"Hi, is this seat taken?" Harry asked.

"Nope". I smiled.

"Thanks, I have 2 essays to write." He grumbled.

"Well that's your problem". I got up and put all my stuff away walking around the library.

So many beautiful books. "You must really like to read". It was him. Severus.

"Yeah".

"I over heard you talking to Dumbledore. You taught yourself everything. All the spells and charms. Where did you live? Surely not by yourself?" He asked.

I had to think up a quick lie. "Just an orphanage. No relatives. I basically did live by myself for a few years." I finished.

I looked up into his black orbs. He was leaning against the bookshelf looking so perfect. I wanted to lean in to him. Feel the warmth I felt when he picked me up from the bathroom floor.

"What are you doing?" I asked it more of a whisper.

"I'm not". I cut him off.

"One minute you're nice then you're full of hate and darkness." I grabbed my book and went to sit down.

The rest of the detention I sat reading. I got up to leave but Severus voice caught me in the hallway.

"Have you took your medication lately"? He asked.

I bit my lip in frustration. "I've been busy."

"I'll take you to her office where you'll take your meds and be on your way".

"I don't even know why I take them they surely don't help." I muttered annoyed.

"I might be able to brew something to make you feel better."

"Are you serious? The closed off I don't speak to students man wants to help?" I started to giggle a bit.

"I do help students, more than you know." He grumbled.

"Care to elaborate?" I pushed.

"No, go take your pills and be on your way."

The next morning it was Saturday so I was free to do whatever I wanted until after dinner then I had to sever yet another detention. One more after this one.

I woke up taking a hot shower and pulling on a black V-neck and a black skirt. My knee socks were black along with my shoes. I decided against a jacket.

When I got to breakfast I ate pancakes alone until Anna popped up.

"Hey." She muttered.

"What's wrong?" I asked

"Ben and I had a fight." She looked depressed. "Anyways Mercy, what was the fight with that other guy?"

"I do not want to talk about it".

"Fine". She pulled her hands up. "Have you found any cute guys you like"?

"Anna I don't do the dating thing. I've got to run and talk to Dumbledore." I left her sitting there.

The stair case unraveled as I climbed the stairs. Hearing voices I stopped and listened it was Severus and Dumbledore.

"Don't you ever think you ask to much, that I don't want to do this anymore". It was Severus.

"Severus you have to be the one, or he'll have no chance." Dumbledore stopped and walked to where I was. I hurriedly walked in.

"Mercy I presume your here to talk about giving extra time with professor Snape to come up with a depression potion of some sort?"

"Yeah, kinda, I wouldn't mind working with you on the weekends Sev- Sir, but I have to talk to you Albus, its important." Severus left the room.

"Yes Mercy"? He always seemed so happy.

"Your like a par, parent to me now right? That means if I tell you something in confidence you won't tell anyone, or punish me?" I needed to know more.

"Yes Mercy, you can count on me, what's troubling you." He asked.

"Its Sev- Professor Snape. I've been feeling things around him." I fidgeted in my chair.

"What sort of feelings?"

"Like inappropriate feelings. The kind that could get him and I into trouble. I can't shake it." He thought for a moment.

"I've known Severus a long time Mercy, he might not open up right away. Give it time. Know each other. Your 17 almost 18 you deserve happiness and so does he." After he finished I felt totally and undeniably shocked. I was expecting him to say its wrong..

I left Dumbledores office to talk to Snape. I looked in his office and the great hall but nothing. I gave up and just walked around. I saw Minerva.

"Hello professor" I smiled.

"Hello Mercy, how are you feeling?"

"Better thank you."

"I'm sorry that one of my students attacked you." She looked unproud.

"Its okay I'm not hurt that bad" I shrugged.

"Okay, you're doing great in transfiguration, best in your class."

"Really? Thank you Professor! I've got to run see you in class Monday!" I waved goodbye.

Detention went smoothly, Severus was to distracted to even look at me.

After I walked to the black lake and laid down in the grass. The clouds look like it was gonna rain.

"I'm so confused about everything mom, I need you, I miss you so much, I'd visit your grave if I could. I feel the pull to the darkness getting stronger. He is getting stronger. Soon I'll be a murder again. I'll be forced to snuff out all the love." I sighed getting up and headed for Hogwarts. I wanted to feel the tension being released by my blade.

I ran into him. His smell was apart from all others.

He pulled me back away from his warmth. "Its late what are you doing out?"

"I was out by the black lake, I lost track of time." I muttered.

His glare was frighting. "You should head to bed, we have to start the potion making process tomorrow."

"Okay, night". I was about to say professor before my arm erupted with a burning heat. I clenched my arm and ran. I didn't want to be found. I ran from Severus. He probably thinks I cut again. I ran into the library and into my hideaway.

I leaned against the book shelf, flinching in pain, I was to wrapped up in trying to get the hurt to go away I didn't see Severus come in.

"How did you get into here?" He boomed and it echoed off the walls of books.

"I, I, found it the other day, I fell through the books." Gritting my teeth.

He came towards me, he forced my body on the bookshelf.

"Who are you". He stumbled pulling up my sleeve. I tried to fight back yelling no, stop, but it was to late my dark mark was darker than before; and he saw it.

Snape was inches away from my face, I was genuinely scared.

*Does it feel forced? Like I don't want this story to be forced*