The Captain's Mate

5 - Love Life - Part II

5 - Love Life - Part II

At the beginning of our second year of University, Sam and I decided to move in together. London is crazy expensive, and if we wanted to be close to campus we needed to fork out quite a lot of money for rent and other expenses.

"What about asking Minnie to move in with us? I know for a fact she's grown tired of the campus and she isn't too keen on having a new roommate either. And I would love to still have her around all the time." I bat my eyelashes and try a small pout towards Sam.

"Yeah, sure. I don't mind Minnie, but we do need to discuss her bringing all those guys over. She will need to cut back a bit."

"Don't be mean, she's just a more adventurous spirit and she is still searching for her perfect man. Not every girl is as lucky as I am."

I always smile when I remember that day and how happy and excited I was. Sure, our relationship was not the best, our s*x life had become somewhat of a burden, something that needed to be done once or twice a week, almost like a chore, but I didn't know any better, and I was willing to have him for the rest of my life.

Moving in together is the biggest reality check for every couple. For Sam and I, it was great for the first couple of months until I literally felt like I couldn't stand Sam anymore. And I could swear he felt the same.

The thing is that he wasn't all to blame, I would always blow things out of proportion, with Minnie's help. I would vent to her about Sam and she would take my side, telling me how I deserved better, but then again Sam would vent to her and she would take his side and tell him I was being a b***h.

In all fairness, it's not easy being caught in the middle of a couple's fight, and she mainly wanted both of us to stop going to her and b***h about our love lives. Minnie was still adamant on having fun and living her best life. She would often offer us a joint, her way of making us chill and de-stress a bit, but I wasn't even a smoker so I wouldn't go for drugs either. The only thing I did was indulge in way too much vodka when I occasionally decided to be the lame chick drowning her sorrows. The annoying thing was that it took a lot of drinking to actually feel a buzz. With the stares I would get from other people because I was a young woman chugging a whole bottle of vodka like it was water, I told myself it's best to just give up.

Sam, on the other hand, gladly accepted Minnie's 'quick fix' and started getting high with her and her friends.

All of that didn't stop us from staying together for a little over 2 years.

"f**k! 2 years of my life wasted in that joke of a relationship." I mutter to myself and I look at my phone to see how much time I have before I need to head out to work.

I hate that I always let my mind trick me into going back and reliving the past in my head frame by frame as if there were a chance I could change anything.

Minnie had actually moved out after about six months of living with us. She met a really nice guy that made her pull a one eighty and quickly start desiring the whole marriage-kids thing. They were moving fast, and I could tell they were for real. She no longer needed the attention of other men and was eager to finish her studies so they could get to the next level of their lives. I really envied her, in a good way. What she had with her boyfriend Gary actually looked quite close to what books and movies portray a love story to be. I wonder how they are doing now?

And that's when I started to actually think about my relationship with Sam. Could it be that this is not how it's supposed to be?

I started to open my eyes and really pay attention. The more I thought about it, the more I was disgusted with myself for not figuring it out sooner. The way Sam's parents would always send him money and cover for anything, the way he had fallen deeper into drugs... Sam's short temper came to light when he would start throwing his phone and smashing it in the process. It happened more than once, and that was mostly because he couldn't get his drugs.

Shortly before we finished our first year of University, I found out that Sam only attended 'business strategy' and that he had been absent from all other classes. His family would just make a generous donation to the University and he would magically pass all exams and gather plenty of credits to start second year.

This was literally against everything I stood for, yet I convinced myself I was lucky that he pursued me and that it was cute how he only came into 'business strategy' so he could meet me.

I started slowly to distance myself from Sam. I was preparing to break up with him and honestly I thought it would kind of go quick. I mean.. the day I told him that I was done, we hadn't had s*x in more than 4 months. Not that I was complaining. As long as he had his drugs and he knew I was around to cook and clean, he was happy. But I was done being unhappy, and I was done covering for him and keeping this happy couple charade going. I must have done a decent job at keeping everyone from figuring out what was actually going on, because most of our friends were genuinely shocked that we had broken up. Our close friends though, like Minnie and his two best friends, were happy that I finally got away. Though that day was the only day in my whole life that I was actually scared that I was going to either die or take someone's life.

Sam promised he won't be home, so I can go and take my things and move out. He seemed to take the break-up quite well, although I now believe he didn't actually believe I meant every word. It was true, I had threatened to leave many times before, and didn't actually follow through, partly because I was ashamed of my friends, my school mates and my family finding out that Sam wasn't this great guy, I always bragged about him being.

I open the door and I see Sam on the bed playing on his phone, and I jump startled.

"I'm just taking the rest of my stuff, I'll be quick."

"Come here."

"No, I'm good. I just want to get my things and go."

"And where will you go?"

"I'm going to stay with Min and Gary for now."

This part of the conversation is the only thing I can remember clearly, because once I had my two bags full and opened the door to get out, all hell broke loose. Sam grabbed me by my hair to drag me back inside, and I swear he had a murderous look on his face that let me know I had to run and avoid him getting me inside at all costs. I tried to run, barely making it a few steps before I was struck with something heavy and pointy. I am happy the drugs made his aim bad, because he got me in my leg. Had it been my head I wouldn't be here today.

"You're not going anywhere!" He came at me again from behind, putting his hands on my shoulders to try and drag me inside. I wasn't expecting him to be like that, I was completely in shock.

Thinking back to those moments, I feel like slapping myself for not defending myself sooner. I was very good at kickboxing, I could have easily taken him down and prevented everything from escalating, but some part of me just couldn't harm him.

"I can't let you go, I love you, do you understand? I can't live without you, if you leave me, I will kill myself. Do you want to live knowing that you killed me?" I started sobbing when he told me that, I didn't know if he would do it, but I couldn't bear causing his family so much grief. I was about to cave and abandon my plan of getting away when I hear someone say "Then kill yourself already! What the f**k are you waiting for?" I look around and see Sam looking dumbfounded at me. I think he thinks I said that, but I didn't, did I?

"Or better yet, we die together!" And he walked to the kitchen. The next thing I know there is a faint hissing sound that reaches my ears and I instantly know I am in a lot of danger. "s**t, the motherfucker cut the gas pipe!" I think to myself and I can feel I am starting to actually panic, because I really don't want to die. I want the chance to experience my life fully... and the next thing I remember is me being outside our apartment once again, with my two packed bags. As I looked behind me, into the apartment, I saw a very beat up Sam looking at me with hate in his eyes.

Needless to say, that was the last time I saw Sam.