Love Doesn't Exist

Alfa

for the next several weeks I fall into a pattern. Te and Gus aren't home a lot but they always manage to check in with me. Te always makes time to go to the mall with me at least once a week. I stay sitting with the boys in art and next to jay in history. they're actually pretty nice guys. but at lunch I sit with Mia and the other girls. I've also created a friendship with Chad, who now drives me to school, in a Jeep, every day so that people stop staring at me. well so people stare less.

beep. beep. beep. I open my eyes to see my phones alarm going off. it's 6:45 I roll put of bed and head to my wardrobe. today I pick out a tight back skirt, a tucked in white t-shirt with a logo on it and my dads leather jacket. I put on my usual make-up and then a choker necklace. I have to fiddle around with the clasp though because I got my nails done with Te the other day. they're quite long with a baby blue color. I had a hard time deciding so I told the nail artist to choose.

I hop down the stairs, grab a Granola bar and walk out the door. as per usual Chad has the Jeep running and ready to go. "morning" I greet him as I shut the car door. "morning to you too miss" he says back smiling. "got anything planned today?" I ask, he usually does something while I'm at school, yesterday he went birthday shopping for his niece. "I'm going to see my wife while she's at work today, just to surprise her" he smiles and points to the back seat "do you think she'll like them?" I look to the back seat to see a bouque of red roses. "wow Chad is there some kind of occasion?" he smirks "yeah actually it's the anniversary of our first date." I smile it's so funny listening to older people talk about their partners, as we pull I up I wish him luck and hop out of the car. when I get to my locker the boys are there waiting for me. "hey claire" tylor says smiling. "hey" I open my locker and get my stuff out. "we were woundering if you wanted to sit with us at lunch?" Sam asks. "umm maybe" tylor punches Sam in the arm "you i***t, I told you she wouldn't want to" I rub Sam's arm "no I will sit with you guys at lunch." I confirm and out the corner of my eye I notice jay clench his fists. weird I thought he liked me, we've been having fun talking in history and art. I've learnt that him and his boys often get into trouble but they're each other's family and they care about each other like brothers. "see you guys at lunch then"

I wave to them and walk off.

when it gets to lunch time I sit down with my ice coffe at the boys table. "is that all your having?" mike says looking at the plastic bottle in my hands. "uh yeah I don't feel hungry during the day" I say and they all look at me like I'm crazy. "surely eat something" Sam says. I look around and see all their trays are stacked with food. "no it's fine really" jay holds out a 50 dollar note. "what's that for?" he looks confused "for you to get food to eat" he says "I don't need it" I push it back "seriously guys I'm fine" I look at jay "and I have plenty of money." Sam grumbles "dam I don't know why girls starve themselves to look good when they don't need to" I sigh "oh my God! guys really, I'm genuinely not hungry, I eat heaps of s**t when I'm at home. but if it makes you happy-" I steal a chocolate from sam and take a bite "are yo-" I stop, wait a minute does this have. oh my God. I spit it out onto the table. "oh my God Sam this has weed in it!" all the boys laugh except jay who faintly smiles. "hey girl, not my fault" he laughs and takes the chocolate back. "wait I thought you said you never used, how did you know?" I roll my eyes " well Sam like I said my parents were dealer's. when I was about seven I found some baked goods in the fridge and decided no one would miss a few, turns out they were hash cookies and I can still remember the taste." this time they all laugh including jay. "dam girl, you lied" mike chuckles. "no I didn't, using is knowingly taking it. I had no idea" I defend myself giggiling I look around at the boys and notice jay looking at me weirdly again. I stop laughing "what?" I ask him and he looks taken aback. "what do you mean what?" he says being all cool now. "you were looking at me funny" he raises his eyebrows. "I've never heard you laugh before" he says matter factly "and" I say because why does he care about my laugh. "it's cute I guess" wait. what. "ohh, man Jay has the hots for Claire" the boys all laugh and whoop and all the while I blush. "shut the f**k up you idiots, if I call a baby cute does that mean I'm a pedo?" jay growls and the boys stop. I cough and get up to leave. "hey, don't leave" jay looks me in the eye and I shiver. "ah no I. um. I'm getting my art journal, I'll meet you guys there." as I walk away I hear them taking the piss out of their leader.

"hey I'm sorry if they annoyed you joking about me liking you" jay says as he sits down next to me in the art class room. I arrived early and he did too. he's never early. I tap my toes and pick my cuticles "do you though?" I ask and he looks like he's almost shy. "umm well I-" in comes the boys just in time to save him. they loudly enter the class room jumping around sliding across the tops of tables. "hey it's the two love birds!" mike yells laughing. "can you not say love" I ask annoyed "why, is it true?" tylor says in a sing song voice. "no I just hate that word." I almost yell angrily. they all stop and look at me Sam nervously chuckles "what teenage girl doesn't like love" I glare up at them all thinking about all the times my parents said they love me, even though they beat me and teated me like s**t. "me" I say my voice breaking. they all go quiet. I suddenly remember a memory from when I was eight

"mom? what are you doing?" i ask as she sticks a needle in her arm. "shut up you little bitch." I watch as she pushes the stuff from the needle into herself. "mom stop it!" I cry. after she finishes with the needle she runs across the room and back hands me so hard I fall. my front tooth lands on the floor infront of me when I cough from the blow. "you made me do that, you know, I love you but you made me do that" she yells.

I look around and realise I can't breathe. "are you okay?" f**k this. I get up and run out the class room only to be in the middle of a sea of students getting to their classes. my eyes lock on the exit and I run to it like my life depends on it. once I get out I run down the street to get into the fresh air but I still can't breathe. "you made me do it" i hear it still. I hate her so much, she's dead, can't she leave me alone now. "wait! claire! stop!" right behind me is Jayden running less than four feet behind me. I stop and sit down. "please go away" I my voice breaks as I try not to cry. "wanna talk?" he honestly seems like the last person to want to talk things out. "no" I curtly say. he nods "okay then just breathe" I hate it when people say that. "don't f*****g tell me what to do!" I yell. "sorry okay" he sighs "is this my fault?" wow only a guy could think a girl having a panic attack would be his fault. "no I'm just f****d up, okay" he sighs "we all are" I hear a faint yell and turn my head to see Mike, Sam and tylor running towards us. "will you please tell them to go away?" I look at jay. "sure" he gets up and runs toward them I watch them look at me and talk then the boys walk back to the school. I notice that I'm breathing fine now. I look down and notice my phone ping. there's a message from Te -hey school rang and told me you didn't show up to class, you okay?- I text back -yeah I just wasn't feeling so great, don't worry I'll probably go to a friend's house or go back to school after I have a quick breather- is my reply but to be honest I think I'll walk home, it might help me clear my head. "hey wanna go for a drive?" I look up and see jay standing over me in his jeans and hoodie. he can't seem to look directly at me but he hold his hands out. I get up by myself "I don't like to be touched" I explain and he nods. "so which car is yours?" he smiles and walks back to the school parking lot while I follow. we end up standing at a black sports BMW. "hop in" he says. as he pulls out his keys from his hoodie pocket.

I open the door to see the inside of his car its all leather and sleek. "do you like her?" he wants to know. "yeah I suppose" I get in and clip in my seat belt "why don't you like it?" he says disappointed. "I just don't like leather on seats that much cause it gets hot and then my skin sticks to it" he laughs "cover your skin up then" I pretend to think about it " hmm how about no" I lean forward and turn the air con on. "it's not even hot today" he chuckles as he drives down the street. "yeah but I get hot easily, per the minimal clothing. so I like the air con on all the time" I say. he smiles "okay, okay" he holds one of his hands up. "so where are we going?" i ask and he smiles "anywhere you want to go." I watch his brown eyes twinkle as he looks from the road to me. "so where do you like to go, the beach, the movies, the mall, a park?" I don't want to go to any of those places. "I wanna see your house" I say and I once again surprise him. "why?" I look at him "because I hear the boys talking about it all the time, they spend all their time there. it makes me curious" jay turns the car around and we head in the opposite direction than we were headed. "what are you curious about?" I shrug "not sure really, can I ask about your parents?" he smiles. "my parents are currently living in Japan, most people assume they're drug lords or something, but they're scientists. they didn't want to go there and take me away from everything I know. so I told them to go and leave me here." wow his parents seem nice I guess. "are you happy you made that choice?" he smiles. "of course, if I wasn't they'd come back" it must be nice to know that. I look out the window and notice we're in a nice suburban area with family houses that are around two stories with picket fences. we stop at a more modern looking one. "wow" I say sarcasticly "what?" he says defensively. "this looks like a bachelor pad" I joke and he chuckles as we get out of the car and I follow him to the front door. when the door opens I see what I was expecting. I laugh and turn so see jay rubbing the back of his neck. "okay yeah I know I'm messy, if I knew a girl was coming over I would have cleaned up a bit. he kicks some rubbish out of the way. the house is trashed. "uh how about we go to the lounge room to chill out?" he says. "okay as long as there isn't a pig on the couch" I joke. I follow him through the house to the lounge room where there's a sound system set up with a massive TV and a gaming set up. "what do you wanna do?" jay sits down on the couch. I look down at the coffe table and see a full ash tray and two bongs. "we're cleaning this dump" I say he starts to laugh "that's a great joke, what do you actually want to do ?" I go to the kitchen and grab the bin to bring back into the lounge room "I'm serious, if you don't wanna help I don't care" I say dumping the ash into the bin and picking up take away rubbish and containers."okay but only this room?" he asks like a little kid helping do chores. "no we are also doing the kitchen because it's so bad it's a health and safety hazard" I watch jays face crack up when he sees I'm serious "what don't judge me, my boys are pigs" he try's to blame it on them "and your not?" I accuse him and he pretends offence "I can't believe you would think that of me!" he says pretending to be upset.

we end up spending the next two hours cleaning up. "jay! what the f**k! why is there underwear in the kitchen sink" I use the tongs to hold them up and a flash goes off. "jay are you seriously taking photos?" i throw the undies at him.

at around three the boys get here. "what the hell! Jay are you alright? did you get robbed?" Sam jokes when he walks into a mostly clean house. "no, worse, claire made me clean up. also you guys are going to have to go outside or in the garage if you want to smoke when Claire's here" Sam sighs "party pooper" mike sits down on the couch next to me and i realise my stomach hurts. ow. "hey about the stuff that got said, we're all really sorry, even if they won't say it" mike says while tylor and Ben set up some video games. I text Te -tell Chad he dosent need to pick me up, I'm at a friend's house- she replies with a thumbs up and says she hopes I have fun. but after an hour and a half I'm in agony. wait oh God I think I know what it is. I get up from the couch "hey jay where's the bathroom?" he looks up from playing call of duty "I'll show you" he passes his controller one of the guys and walks down the hallway then points to a door on the left. "just in there" he says "thanks." I go to the toilet pull down my pants and then resist the urge to scream. how could I forget. I knew I skipped my period last month due to stress but this month I forgot. I don't even have any pads with me. my underwear are completely soaked in blood thanks to my heavy flow. but thanks to my black skirt nobody could see the blood. I sigh not sure what to do. I can't stand to to put these undies back on but I'm in pain and I should go home, but I'd need to be driven home. i go through the bathroom cabinets and don't find anything apart from condoms shaving cream and shavers. I sit there procrastinating until I hear a knock "claire are you okay?" it's jay. I sigh and walk up to the door and crack it open a little so I don't have to yell through the door.

"no" I sigh

"what's wrong?" he says quietly

"well um it's a girly problem" I say through gritted teeth

"what kind?"

dammit

"the kind that needs new underwear, naprogezic and pads but there seems to be no pads in here and I'm guessing the rest of the house." I say, I hear voices come close and two guys ask Jayden what's up but he tells them to leave.

"umm I can go to the shop for you?" he asks "sure?" I look down at my feet.

"yep and I'll get the ah what's it called?"

"naprogezic" I remind him.

"will you be okay, I might take about half an hour.?"

I nod and remember he can't see me

"yeah I'll be fine" I say.

"pass me your phone?"

I hand it to him after I unlock it and he adds his number into my contacts.

"text me if you need anything else."

"thanks" I say weakly. the cramps were already getting worse.

I zone in and out for a while and some how end up curled up on the floor. for some reason I hear a bang. s**t did I lock the door. I look up to see jay and a few others standing there with the door busted on the floor. "I'll call an ambulance!" mike yells grabbing his phone. "nooo!" I yell "I'm fine! really" f**k it hurts to much. good thing I hid my underwear in the bin under the sink. "hey um how about you guys help me carry her to the bathroom upstairs that has a bath" jay says. "noo please leave me alone" the guys look at me like I'm crazy. "you know what I think I can carry her myself." jay says stepping forward he leans down and scoops me up. "OWWWW f**k!" I cry out when he moves me "s**t I'm sorry" he says. then carries me upstairs moaning. then everything goes black. when I wake up it's to yelling.

"shut the f**k up ty"

"no this isn't normal"

"what the f**k IS normal Sam?"

"how would Sam know?"

"I don't but she seemed like she deals with this all the time, it might be normal for her"

" and she said she's fine"

"she passed out, she's not fine"

"I'm fine" my voice croaks and I open my eyes to see five of the eight boys watching me. Ben, tylor, mike, Sam and jay. great. I go to move but realize I'm in a bath of warm water. it's a plus that they left my clothes "for f***s sake boys leave me alone I'm fine, jay did you get the pain killers?" I watch them scatter to pick up the stuff that jay brought. "wait this is all because she...her...ewww" Sam says turning pale while holding up the pads from the bag. "yes sam I know women having their period is so gross even though it happens to everyone." I say annoyed. "okay we'll leave then" Sam says backing away through the door. with the other boys while jay stays with me kneeling next to the bath tub. "here" he hands me a drink and two tablets. "thanks." "I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna stay here and make sure you don't pass out again and potentially drown since your in the bath." he says. "is it always like this?" he asks. "please don't talk it hurts my head. can I just get out of the bath, I can stand up now I'm sure" he sighs. "I don't wanna sound pervy but I'm gonna stay in here so if something happens I'm here okay?" well he gets points for caring. "fine" I growl and he chuckles as he turns around. I take all my clothes off and then slowly get out of the bath trying not to cry I dry myself off and manage to get blood on the towel God dammit. I hope the boys don't feak about it. then I open a pad and put it on a pair of underwear jay got me. they're black bike short sorta ones. I realize I don't have a bra or clothes. "umm, do you have some clothes?" I ask quietly "s**t no, why didn't I think of that. here" he takes off his shirt and hands it to me without turning around. I slip it on and the hem of the shirt just reached my thighs. I breathe in and inhale his scent. his cotton shirt feeling light and soft. "can I turn around?" he whispers. "yep" when he turns around I see his bare chest. a big tattoo and a six pack, I'd expect no less really. "I'll carry you" he says picking me up in his arms. "fine" I whine and I black out again.

this time when I wake I'm in a bed that hmmm that smells like jay. I sigh and roll over. wait! what's the time? I sit up and look around I'm guessing I'm in jays room and like the house was its trashed with random s**t everywhere. dammit did I sleep through the night, is it morning? I get up and walk to the door, my pain isn't too bad. I open the door and walk down the stairs to the lounge. I sigh in relief. it's only been a few hours. "hey!" Sam smiles and staggers toward me "the girls all good." he says. then jay comes into view. "hey are you feeling better?" he walks towards me quickly"yeah I'm fine, I'm just hungry" I say crossing my arms. instantly his eyes go to my boobs, dropping my arms he coughs nervously "I'm sorry, what food do you feel like?" I shrug "do you like Chinese?" I nod. "wanna sit?" he gestures back to the couch. "um id rather not sit in a room full of boys when I'm practically half naked" he nods "do you want to go back to bed ?" jesus christ! this guy "oh my god! please stop treating me like a sick child!" I yell. "okay sorry" he looks at me "can I please carry you?" I nod for selfish reasons. maybe I've started to like him a bit more than a friend should. once again he picks me up and carried me to his room. he sits me down. "wanna hug?" how on earth does everyone else think that these guys are in a gang. "nah" I watch him run his hand through his hair. "is it always like this?" he asks "pretty much, it gets worse with colder weather though, a few years ago I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries the biggest one I've had was the size of a tennis ball. it's just part of being a women" I slide under the covers and he stays sitting on the edge of the bed. I hear my phone ring and look to the bedside table. it was Te ringing me. "hello....really...you sure?...okay cool...yep...okay bye" she hangs up. "who was that?" I smile "both my parents are gone for the week" Jayden's face falls "why didn't you say anything?" I roll my eyes "there's no point telling them they have important stuff to do, can you call me an uber?" he frowns "why don't you spend the week here and take some time off school with me?" I cross my legs and pull the shirt over my knees. "just say yes, they won't even know if they don't care as much as you say" he convinces me, not knowing that my new adoptive parents probably would care. "fine okay I'll stay, but your gonna have to clean your room" I throw a lolly wrapper at him along with a dirty sock. "okay I'll do that later, like tomorrow" he looks at me and suddenly seems serious. "what?!" my voice whispers. "nothing" his says sounding kinda horse. I pick up one of the pillows on the massive bed and hug it. "soo" I prompt to break the awkward silence. "so what?" I look at him and notice he has a dimple when he smiles. "stop looking at my lips" he jokes "I was looking at your dimple, you idiot." he slightly moves closer "sure" he says looking at me "you look better than before, do you feel better?" naturally i shrug my shoulders and nod "as good as I can be I guess, it gets annoying after a few years, ya know" he blushes "not really" yeah I suppose he's right he's a guy that lives alone. "well yeah" I sigh "what I would give to be a guy on these days, most of the time I wish I could just get a hysterectomy" he almost chokes "really?" I scoff "yes, it's not like I plan on having kids anyway. it honestly feels like I'm dying half the time." he starts to turn pale and squirm. "wimp, let's talk about something else" he let's out a deep breathe and chuckles "okay that's a good idea, I was starting to feel sick" I throw myself back so I'm laying down looking at the ceiling. "claire!?" he yells and I see him leaning over me. he seems scared. "what you derp! I was just being dramatic" I laugh watching him realize I'm fine "I thought you passed out again" he said still leaning over me, his hair dangling around his face. "hey you guys I have your Chinese that you asked for!" mike's muffled voice comes through the door. I smirk as I watch jay get up and open the door before quickly telling mike to piss off. "you didn't even say thanks" I chastise him "he knows I'm thankful" jay smirks handing me a paper box with sweet and sour chicken and rice. I smell it and suddenly feel queezy "I don't know if that's a good idea anymore" I warn him. "come on when has eating ever been a bad thing?" he says stuffing his face with his own food. "I really don't think it's a good Idea" I say but he's no convinced "please just eat it, it will probablymake you feel better in the end" he says. he really doesn't know much "fine, but if I vomit on you it's your own fault" he thinks I'm joking "I'm serious jayden" he nods his head and points the the food. after a few spoon fulls I feel nauseous and stop eating. "what's wrong?" I look up and then quickly run to the ensuite. I barely reach the toilet in time to throw up the tiny bit of food I ate and a heap of bile. when I'm finished I go to get up and notice jay standing there, he'd been watching me vomit. "sorry, I really thought eating would make you feel better" he regretfully admits. "it's okay" I hunch over the sink and sigh. why does he care so much? "I'm sorry" I say "I should go home" I turn around and start to look around for some pants to put on "please stay" he follows me around the room. "what are you looking for?" I open his draws to find shirts but not trousers. "I'm looking for something to wear on my bottom half" he sits his hands on my shoulders to stop me but I flinch and recoil away from him. "oh my God, please jay. you know I don't like to be touched." I complain. "fine but if your going you have to give me your address so I can come and check on you after school" I sigh "please respect the fact that I don't want you to know where I live" I sigh finally finding some track pants. "come on, I'm worried about you being by yourself like this" I turn around angry now "well don't jay! don't worry and don't care about me! for f***s sake leave me alone!" I pull on the grey sweat pants and tie them up because they're too big. then start to march down the the stairs to get to the front door. all the while he's trying to block me. "claire listen to me!" he says "NO YOU LISTEN TO ME IM GOING HOME!" I start to yell at him as I'm walking through the lounge room and the boys are watching. I storm out the front door and walk down the street while I call Chad. "hey Chad can you come and pick me up?" I give him the address and then hang up. "come back inside" I turn around to see Sam "no! go away" he takes a big drag of the joint he's holding "you really hurt jay, yelling at him like that" he says "look I didn't mean to hurt him, I just got scared" I sigh and he holds the joint out for me. "no thanks sam" he looks up at the sky as he exhales. "why are you scared?" he asks "it's complicated" he scoffs "everything is ,girl, try me" I look back at the house and then to Sam "I'm scared of getting hurt" he takes another drag "scared of being hurt, physically or emotionally?" I look at my feet "both I guess" i sigh. "jay will never hurt you" he says confidently then leaves to go back in the house while I wait for Chad.