Truth- Shadow goddess seris(COMPLETE)

Chapter Twenty Three

Back in my room, after all the adrenaline from the afternoon wore off, I found myself consumed by panic. The intensity of it had me sitting on the floor, my back against the wall. My legs were drawn up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them. My head was buried in my knees and my hands tightly grasped my hair as I pulled, hard. I had to. It was the only way I knew to prove to myself this wasn’t a dream. That this was real. 

Cassius has long since went back to his own room, promising he would be back later. But could I allow him back? Should I let him back in? All of this was because of him, because of his past. And though I knew it wasn’t his fault, I couldn’t help but think I had overreacted. But again it wasn’t his fault. It was the people who kept sending others after Cassius. Cassius is as much of a victim as I am, if not more so. They were after him, not me. But why didn’t he fight back? Why would they allow them to take him? That’s the part that is his fault. He didn’t fight. 

Did he want to be taken? To be taken away from me? From us? Did he even want there to be an us? Should there be an us? He didn’t fight for the chance after all, he just let them take him away. I wanted the chance to see what we would have become. I wanted the chance to see what this bond was and where it led. But so far all it’s caused me is confusion and anger. It’s caused me to lash out, to kill a man. 

Oh, God. I killed a man. A sob tore from my throat as I thought about what I’d done in my anger. I took a life. An innocent man’s life. He was only doing his job, doing what he was told. And I killed him. I snapped his neck like it was nothing. I started rocking back and forth as my mind spiraled. Did he have a family? A wife? Children? Please don’t let me have taken a father from his children. Sobs wracked my body, tears wetting my pants as I buried my face deeper within my legs. This can’t be happening, this can’t be real. And yet, I could feel the pain in my scalp as I wrenched on my hair. I could feel as my back continuously hit the wall behind me as my body swayed back and forth. 

Anguish tore through me like a wrecking ball as I stood and screamed out. I took the closest thing to me and threw it against the wall. What I now realized was a glass bowl shattering into pieces on impact. But it wasn’t enough. I threw object after object watching as they all smashed to nothing. I tore the bed apart with strength I didn’t know I possessed leaving it nothing but a pile of wood and blankets. Feathers from my pillow and bed scattered across the room. Holes were all over the walls, mirrors were broken. My fists were bloodied and shredded to bits as I realized I had broken the glass with myself. 

But I didn’t care. I deserved it. I deserved to bleed for what I’d done. I deserved to die for what I’d done. It was only fair after all. A life for a life and all of that. A blood debt can only be paid in blood. And it just so happens it was my blood that needed to be spilt. My blood that was tainted. I had innocent blood on my hands. It may not be the first time, but at least then it wasn’t my fault. It wasn't done intentionally and I found a way to forgive myself. But now? Now all I could do was feel the despair I knew his family would feel. Feel the anger towards myself I knew they would hold in their hearts. I felt my body begin to overheat from the inside, my skin felt like I was being stung over and over again and prickles spread all over me. The misery. It all consumed me, crashing over me like a tidal wave, dragging me under where I was drowning. Where I was gasping for air. I couldn’t get a breath in and my lungs started to burn. My chest was heaving with the strain to gulp air down, but none came. I clawed at my chest and throat, desperately trying to gain control of myself, of the panic attack that had so completely consumed me. I stumbled, crashing against the wall and falling to the ground onto my back as I writhed with my effort. Black was edging in on the corner of my eyes threatening to drag me into oblivion. Maybe I should let it. Maybe I should allow the darkness to take me under. 

“Rose!” Someone called desperately. I couldn’t tell who, their voice was too far away. “Breathe Rose. Breathe.” The person begged. Hands touched my face, the warmth and electricity seeping into me. “Come on Rose. Breathe. Feel my hands on you, ground yourself. Focus on my hands, on the feel of them. Come back to us Rose, back to me.” 

The person's desperation, and the sadness in their voice tightened my chest even more as pain lanced my heart. Whoever this person was, was sad. He was scared. But why? A larger hand pressed to my chest, it felt like their fist or the ball of their hand was gently rubbing circles on my chest. And somehow, I felt myself relaxing. Slowly breath as able to enter my lungs making them ache in relief. 

As I started to come back to myself I slowly became aware of who it was that was holding me. Whose arms were so tightly wrapped around me I felt as if I was being squeezed by a snake. His green aura surrounded me, merging and dancing with my own making me feel him so much more than I ever had. He was scared, worried. He was sad and angry. Desperate. But as he rocked me, trying to soothe away my panic attack, I could feel how much he cared, how much seeing me like this scared him, worried him. I wish I was back to myself to assure him I was ok. But I couldn’t. Even if I was myself I could never tell him I was okay without lying. Because I was far from okay. And I was far from ever feeling okay again. If I ever would. 

“Come on Rose. That’s it. Breathe.” He said, his voice low and soothing. “I’m right here, listen to the sound of my voice. Focus on me.” 

And I did. I focused my attention on his kind and soothing voice. I focused on how natural it felt to be in his arms. How the emotions seeping into me from him told me how much he cared even if he didn’t show it. I focused on his warmth and how it warmed my cold, sweat covered skin. All of me was consumed by him. And only him at this moment. Because he was the one who came. He was the one who somehow heard me, somehow knew he was needed here. 

When my eyes finally opened I was met with ice blue eyes. They stared back down at me, shining with panic and worry. His beautiful face was crumpled with his fear. I smiled softly, reaching up with shaky hands and smoothing the worried lines creasing his features. I didn’t like seeing them there. I didn’t like knowing I was the cause of his pain. I didn’t want to be the root of pain for him, I didn’t want to be the cause of his worry. 

“Don’t worry about me.” I told him softly, wiping strands of his black hair from his face. “I am not worth your worry. Or your attention.” I sighed, dropping my hand from his face and turning my head from him. I couldn’t look at him without feeling fear and confusion. Why was he here? Why did he come to me? 

“Don’t say that.” He said sternly, grabbing my chin and turning me to face him. “You are worth all my fear, all my worry. You are worth everything. Don’t doubt yourself.” 

“Why?” I asked, a lone tear streaking down my cheek. “How could you say that after what I did? How can you be here worrying about me after today?” 

“You made a mistake. Your more primal instincts kicked in telling you to protect your bonded. It’s normal, natural in our world. You won’t be punished for it. If anything they will be grateful you didn't kill all of them.” 

“I wanted to.” I rasped. “I wanted their blood to coat the ground. I wanted them all laying at my feet.” I squeezed my eyes shut and took a shuddering breath. “I’m a monster. What if he had a family?” I opened my eyes and stared at him desperately. “What if he had children? A wife? I can’t stand the thought I took a father from a child. I can’t stand the thought that I may have made a child or children an orphan. It’s too much Caleb.” My words caught in my throat. 

Caleb stroked the side of my face. “You are strong Rose. You will get through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than ever. Don’t give up. There are so many here who need you. I need you.” 

“How? How can I be bonded to more than one?” I asked, cupping his face in my hand. 

“It is rare.” Caleb whispered, leaning into my touch. “But not unheard of. Your great grandmother had four men at her side and she was never looked down upon for that. She was actually thought to be more powerful because she had more than one bonded. But in reality, it was just her destiny to have more than one. It was needed to make sure the reaper line was carried on. She had six children. And so the line continued with them, carrying all the way down to your father, then to you.” 

“I don’t know how I feel about being a reaper.” I admitted shaking my head. “It seems so hard, so overwhelming. You don’t understand what I go through with this. I never knew why I could heal, why I could see the things I do.” 

“Maybe not. But I am willing to try, I am willing to listen.” 

“Why did you accept me? Why do you want to be bonded to me?” 

“Because you are special. You are kind and strong. You defend those weaker than you, those who are being treated unfairly. You have such strong beliefs, you stand for what you believe even when no one will stand beside you. You have so much to offer, and we have so much to learn from you.” 

“Caleb, having three bonded sounds hard. It sounds consuming, hard and overwhelming. I never wanted more than one man. I always thought I would be with one man, love one man. Being with more than one just seems unfair. To me and all of you. You deserve so much better than me Caleb. You deserve to be happy and loved by a woman who can give you every piece of herself without having to share. You deserve a woman’s undivided attention, her undying love.” 

“You don’t want to be with me?” Caleb asked, hurt reflecting in his eyes. 

“Don’t be silly.” I smiled. “I care about you more than I can say. You and the other two. I don’t know what I’d ever do if anything ever happened to any of you. I tried so hard to keep my distance, to ignore whatever was drawing  me to all of you. But it was hard. It was easier with you though. I barely saw you, barely spent any time with you. The other two were so much harder because I saw them daily, spoke to them daily. And if I’m being honest it hurt me to not do the same with you. But I also saw you were fighting it.” I shook my head with a smile. “Could you accept a woman who is destined to be bonded to three?” 

“Can you accept being bonded to three?” he countered. 

“With time, patience and spending time with all of you, yes.” I answered, surprised by how much I meant the words. How could things have changed so much so quickly?

“Mine.” Lilith hissed in my mind. 

“Yes, I know.” I replied, never taking my eyes from Caleb’s icy blue ones. Caleb could freeze the room with those eyes. But as they softened, as they looked back at me with such heat, such intensity I felt I could melt into him and never be fully whole again. I would forever be part of him and him of me. 

“Sleep now my Rose.” He whispered, as he picked me up and carried me to my room placing me on the bed. Crawling in behind me, he placed a kiss to my forehead as he wound his arms around me and pulled me to him. I smiled, snuggling closer and resting my head on his chest. He was so warm, and I fit here under his arm so perfectly it was as if we were made to be here like this. Like we were two puzzle pieces coming together to make a finished piece. I did as Caleb said though. I cleared all of my thoughts, and closed my eyes as I relished in the security of his arms. Before I fell asleep though I found myself wondering if all three men’s arms around me would feel the same.