Second Thought

Chapter 22

Alexander's POV

            It was killing me, having to say these words to her right now. I was not even going to have this conversation until she was better, but I could not hold it together any longer. She had to know how I felt about her, to help her understand why I must do this. I did not even want to look at her any longer. It hurt too bad to see this confused look on her face. Maybe I was just seeing things, but it looked like she was hurt too. I stood up from the bed and walked over to her. I leant down and placed a kiss on her head, turned away quickly and left the room as fast as I could. She could not see me like this. Right now, I could not even control my own emotions. I could not really be upset with anyone other than myself though. It was my own doing. This is what it felt like to truly be in love with someone and someone that I couldn't have. Go figure. Every time I ever tried to even start a relationship with a woman, my father’s words would always come to me. "Alexander, no woman is worth your time son. Treat them like they do not matter and use them for your own needs and nothing more. If you do this, you will never get hurt." How wrong he was. I tried to push Serenity away from the day she got here. True, I did bring her here to see if she was a potential to be my wife, but I was not looking for a lover. I was looking for a wife as a promise to my mother. My mother had seen the way my father was with me and how what he taught me had impacted my life before they passed. She did not want me to go down the path my father was leading me down. She wanted me to marry, have children and fall in love. My father only ever married my mother because he wanted a son to carry on for him when he passed. He hated my mother and I that is where I learned my disregard for women. I did not care about anyone or anything other than myself, until I met Serenity.

            I was not looking for love and surely did not expect it with the woman I brought into my home to occasionally sleep with. I did not even see her, I looked right past her the first time I saw her like she was nothing. I did not care what she looked like even though she was stunning. She was good for only one thing in mind then, s*x. What honestly drew me in was when I found out she was a virgin. I just kept thinking of all the things I could do her untouched body. Hell, I even tried. I was going to force her to have s*x with me without even caring about the way she felt. When I saw what she was doing with my brother, I lost it. That is when I knew that she maybe meant more to me than I thought. Of course, I did not know I was falling in love with her then.

            The night she got her concussion was when I really knew. She surprised me by even feeling on me and putting me in her mouth. I did not even expect her to do that much. I do not know what came over her that night, but I was not complaining. My selfish ass had to go and ruin it though. I just got so angry with her. I was not even angry that she would not let me have s*x with her, not really. I would have been fine with not going all the way with her until she was ready but once I had a taste of how good she was with her mouth, I wanted more of her. She could have just let me finish that way and I would have been happy, but she did not. She acted like she wanted more, and I thought she was going to give it up to me right then and there. I did not want her too though I really wanted to save that for her but with her laying underneath me, naked and so ready, I was not thinking straight. Then, when she said no, I lost my s**t and had to get revenge on her. Honestly, I cannot even remember the name of the woman I brought into the room that night. I was looking at Serenity the whole time, imagining it was her I was losing myself in. When she ran out of the room, I panicked. I did not give a damn about the woman in the room waiting for me, so I ran down after her. When she hit me that night, I was surprised I was surprised at how I felt and surprised because no one ever laid their hands on me. Ever. The feeling of her hand connecting with my jaw was not anger. No, I was so freaking turned on after that. The feeling was surprising and overwhelming. So of course, instead of going after her right away, I had to go upstairs and get my fix. When I finally decided to catch up with her, seeing her so hurt, hurt me too. She started throwing her fists at me and I just kept thinking she really was going to hurt herself if she did not stop. That is why I took her hands and shoved her off me, not because I was angry with her. She had every right to want to hit me repeatedly after what I had just put her through. I did not expect her to fall to the ground and hit her damn head. That is the moment I knew I was in love with her. If this had been anyone else, I would have just called 911 to come pick them up because I would not have really cared that much. When it happened to Serenity, I got scared, really scared. I thought I was going to lose her.

            I wanted to be good for her. Hell, I wanted to me more than good for her, but I knew I could not be. I would do anything to be what she needed me to be, but I was afraid that the damage had been done. She could not love me after all that I had put her through. So, I had to do the one thing I knew that would be the best thing for her. I needed to let her go. I needed to let her find a love of her own and have the life she always wanted. There would never be anyone after Serenity, only her. Surprisingly, I am okay with that. Loving her is the best feeling I have ever had in my whole life and if giving her what she wanted made her feel like I do, then I'd do whatever it took for her to be happy.