The Sigma Wolf

Chapter 12 - Self-conscious

Susie POV

He said to dress nice… what does that even mean? My Rolling Stones shirt and jeans are not fashionable enough to have dinner with the prick? Or is he taking me to one of hose uncomfortable restaurants that are overpriced and serve tiny little pieces of shrinked food? Ugh! I hate dresses, I am not a dress girl, neither I am fond of skirts… Nope, not me… I am not frilly nor girly, I love my jeans and sneakers…

Once upon a time, I was this little girl who died to be dressed in the most feminine outfits, but when I grew up and started filling up, and getting chubby, my mother´s passive-aggressive comments started making me self-conscious, and wanting to cover my unpretty body.

´Cover your legs, you must show just your knee so you don´t go around showing how fat those thighs of yours are…´

´Wear a sweater over that sleeveless top… you need to cover the fat part of your upper arm…´

´I don´t think you look good in sleeveless shirts, it shows the flop of your arms… wear sleeves…´

´The more you cover those flaws, the better you will look. You need to learn how to dress your body, because there are a lot of things that you need to cover…´

´Isn´t that dress too tight? You need something loose in the middle, that way you enhance the slim part down your breasts, and cover up those wide hips…´

´You need to use fashion to your advantage, and let´s face it most fashion trends are made for slim bodies, not for chubby ones like yours…´

My self-confidence was shattered by all those small, comments. Those comments that were masked as a mother trying to help her daughter look her best, those comments that made me realize that there was something wrong with my body, something that was not appealing nor beautiful. Yeah! That was how I grew up, thus I enjoy covering myself and being comfortable in the process.

-” What are you going to wear?” Maggie and Diana walked inside my room, and they floipped on my bed, making me scrunch my face. I hated my bed all wrinkly and messy.

-” I don´t know… He said I should wear something nice…” I sighed feeling defeated, then I walked into my closet and held a black dressy pants with a nice loose dressy top in magenta, and a similar pant in white with a red top. “Which one do you think I should wear?” I asked my friends and Maggie rolled her eyes.

-” Are you seriously going as a fancy secretary to a date?” Maggie blurted, and I rolled my eyes.

-” It is not a date!” I grunted, “It is actually a meeting with a co-worker, if you want to put it in some context…” I said while Maggie rolled her eyes.

-”Well there is no way in hell, you will go looking like an overrated secretary, hun… when a guy says ´dress nicely´ he is definietly not referring to what you are holding in your hands… he is talking about something cute and sexy…” Maggie paused, “Show those f*****g curves, for f***s sake…” She lifted her hand in annoyance, while Di slowly nodded net to her.

Maggie made her way into my closet and roamed around. -”Look what we´ve got here!...” She bounced up and down holding a coral dress. Damn it! I forgot I had that dress. I bought it for a pack party, and my mother thrashed my hopes of wearing it.

-”No, Mags… that dress shows too much skin… my floppy arms and my big legs… It goes a bit over my knee, and it shows the thick part of my leg…” I said and she rolled her eyes,

-” Stop quoting your mother… try it on…” She commanded me and pushed me into my en-suite bathroom to change.

I tried the dress and despite me not being completely comfortable with the backless number, it looked decent. I sighed and made my way out of the bathroom, and both Mags and Di beamed. -” b***h you look hot!” Mags said

-” Hun, you look good… you show off your curves in a very delicate way, this dress looks f*****g amazing on you…” Di said, twirling me. -” Now we have to style our hair… and get some makeup on…” She winked at me and I rolled my eyes. This was too much hustle for a simple dinner with a guy whom I will be working for the entire semester.

-” Hush! You look hot, and you deserve to have a nice night out..” Mags pushed me inot m otoman chair and braided m hair in a side loose braid, making sure ti leave soft strands out framing m face. Di, made my make up, she went for a natural look, little blush, golden eyeshadow enhancing my gray-blue eyes, mascara and a peach lip gloss.

-” Dang!” Maggie said once Di was done with my makeup. I wore a pair of high heels in silver, and then I turned around to face mself in the mirror.

The reflection staring back at me was not me. I looked like one of those models out of a fashion magazine. I even gasped, and blinked a cuple of times to believe that it was reall me.

I was about to back off from this stupid idea of dressing up to go out with the guy who was going to work with me on a project for an entire semester. Am I giving him needy vibes with this slut outfit? Or Am I overdressing for a simple dinner? Why did he say to dress up? Why am I even in this situation?

-” I am going to change…” I muttered when the doorbell rang.

-”No way Jose… he is here… suck it up!” Mags said and I rolled my ees, Di already went ahead to answer the door.

-” Susie!...” She yelled, and Mags silentl clapped amused that I couldn´t change m outfit. She then peeked at the stairs and then looked at me,

-” He is hot… you better bang that man!” She said and I rolled my eyes. Out of all my friends, I was the only one who remained a virgin. Not to brag but I have alwas been selective with my company, and also, I believe in waiting for my mate. The onl time I had doubted about keeping it, was when Alan appeared in m life, and even then… I have never been brave or confident enough to take that plunge.

I walked downstairs, and Ajax was there talking to Gio and Di. Di looked at me, and gave me a subtle thumbs-up, while Gio´s mouth hung open. I know he has seen me mainly in jeans, sweats, and jammies, and this dress is a big change but I don´t think it is that extraordinaire.

Ajax was wearing a pair of blue jeans and gray polo shirt. He looked hot, while in my mind, I looked ridiculous. He lifted his eyes and ran them over my frame, making me feel exposed. I took a deep breath, and then gave a faint smile, -”Shall we go?” I said and he slowly nodded.

I turned around and headed towards the door, suddenly Ajax's warm hand rested on my exposed back, -” Allow me…” His breath fanned my neck and shoulder sending shivers all over my body. He opened the door and offered me his arm. I was thankful for that, becuase I was reall struggling with my balance. You see, high heels and I never go in the same sentence.

Ajax led the way to a Land Rover and opened the door for me. I climbed the SUV being careful of not flashing m lady parts to my companion. Ajax closed the door and made his way to the driver´s side. He sighed and then gave me a side glance, and to my surprise, she muttered a very quiet, -” f**k”

Was he regretting asking me out for dinner? Was he ashamed of being seen with me? Why hasn´t he said anything about my look? Was I too overdressed? Did I do something to upset him? The nasty voice of my mother and sister telling me I was not worth it, the pile of insecurities and low self-esteem were completely taking me into a dark spiral.