Boys Love Boys

I don't want to be heir to anything

Will

The feeling of emptiness still settled inside me, Nate's words echoing in my mind. "I'm straight, I'm straight!", "I was always sure of that, but now... No, it's wrong!", and it makes me think about so many things, everything I believed before, his speech is the same as mine, it was... I don't believe it anymore. I remember my older sister, Sunee, who once told me how hard it was to accept that she liked girls, how wrong she thought she was, and how liberating it was for her when she was finally able to experience her love.

I can't lie, I've lied before when I was interested in a boy in the past, I'm not that 17 year old anymore, four years have passed, I feel a slight regret, maybe I wasn't ready to accept it, but today, when he said "No touch me!” it hurt, and it still hurts.

I get out of bed, I can't lie down and sleep, in fact since I met him, my nights are not the same anymore. I walk down the long corridor, until I reach the last door, knock, and hear a thin voice say “Come in”. I throw myself on her bed from time to time, while Lyn lets out a “are you crazy?”.

— I think I am!

— What's? I know, are you wanting to vent? — I really do, but I don't know where to start. I look right into my sister's brown eyes as she strokes my hair, and takes it out of my eyes. "If you want to talk, I'm all ears!"

— I think I'm liking Nate!. — and in my head there was no other explanation for everything I've been feeling in the last few months since I met him. My sister stares at me in disbelief.

— What? What do you mean, Will? What are you talking about?

— I know it sounds crazy, until the other day I told you that I didn't like him, that I thought he was arrogant, but a lot has changed, and... I was feeling lost. I dreamed about him a few times, and I can't hide it anymore. I thought it was because of the character, you know?

My tears start to fall, and I can't stop crying. Lyn comes over and hugs me. I cling to her, and we stay like that for a few minutes. She pulls away, stares at me with tears in her eyes.

— No matter what our parents think, or what ignorant people say, don't repress what you feel, understand? — I shake my head in the affirmative, wipe away the tears, and she continues. — But what about him? What does he feel?

— We kissed today, and he seemed more lost than me, claiming that it was wrong, that he was straight, I tried to touch him to calm him down, but he told me not to, and it broke my heart. But I think I deserve it, after all I broke Somchai's heart, and...

— Don't talk like that!

— But it's true. If Nate doesn't want to talk to me anymore, there's nothing I can do, I'll just have to live with him professionally for a long time, and that's all.

— Will, as far as I know about Nate, he's always dated girls, and is, or was, dating for three years...

— He ended the relationship!

— So, he broke up... Now, can you imagine being sure about something, and suddenly feeling attracted to a guy? I think you know what I'm talking about, you've felt that way, haven't you? — I shake my head, and she continues. — Who kissed you first?

— I kissed him, and he returned it.

— What he said is proof that he's confused, in denial...

Before my sister finishes what she says, we hear some screams coming from downstairs, we exchange glances, Lyn gets up, runs to her door, opens it, and leaves. It doesn't take long for you to hear her saying something.

— He's here, what's the problem? — She walks in looking at me seriously.

Behind Lyn, I see my mother's cold, accusing gaze, accompanied by my father and his eternally complacent gaze, something I hate, he's always in agreement with her.

— I want you to explain to me what this is? — he says and shows his cell phone, and there's the promotional video for the series. Damn time for them to find out!

— Come on Will, I'm waiting! What does that mean?

My sister, always trying to help me, answers for me.

— It's a video, mom! 

My mother looks at her angrily, and answers her. 

— I asked your brother, Lyn! Stop meddling, and trying to cover it up at all!

— Lyn is right, it's a video! I say and get up from the bed. — It's the promotional video for the series I'm shooting!

— But you didn't say you were shooting this kind of series, and now we're taken by surprise when one of our partners asks me about it, and even sends me a video. Now, imagine how I felt?

— I wanted to tell you when the series had to premiere...

— Oh, so you mean you'd let us be embarrassed any longer?

— What's too much? It's a romantic show, like any other, and...

— A romantic series? You are crazy? It's two men! - my father scolds.

— And? What's the problem with that?

— The problem is, you're our son, and that could throw our name in the mud! — my father yells, and has the nerve to say something so grotesque.

— It's not enough for Sunee to embarrass us... Do you think little and will act in a series like this? You are our heir, in the future you will assume the direction of the companies. Now, tell me how you're going to face partners, employees and collaborators with such a stain on your past? — it wasn't enough for my father to say something so grotesque, now it's my mother's turn to continue.

I stare at my mother with revulsion. It's sad to hear something like that from the people who should be supporting you. The worst thing is that this is about the series, imagine if I said how I feel about my scene partner?

— Your mother is absolutely right! — I wonder what they're not talking about, the heir of the Woninchai! — I can't take it anymore, what I heard from Nate is not enough, now I have to hear this?

— I don't care! I'm fulfilling a dream, and there's no use doing anything to stop me, I'm going to keep recording until the last scene, and there's another thing, I don't want to be heir to anything!

[...]

The argument with my parents made me more vulnerable. My night was terrible, their words hurt me, I thought about so many things, about my sister Sunee, about my acting career, about the series, about my character, and especially about Nate. I walk slowly, I feel like I'm dragging myself to the dressing room, I think I should have stayed home.

— Good morning, girls! I say, the girls smile, and they all answer me, I sit down while one of them takes care of my skin. She looks at me, stops, and speaks.

— What 's? You're always smiling, you look downcast!

— It's nothing, I'm just a little tired! — As I say this, someone enters the dressing room, greets people, and I recognize his voice. In addition to him, other colleagues are entering, the environment is getting full. My heart beats wildly, I feel butterflies in my stomach, and a terrible discomfort. I don't feel like looking at him, talking to him, or any of my colleagues. I get up quickly, the makeup artist responds.

— I'm not done yet, Will!

— I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right back!

It's true that I'm not feeling very well. I go into the bathroom, look for a clean booth, lock the door. The tears flow, I can't hold back, the dawn is not enough, now I'm going to cry here? I try to stop the crying, avoid any noise so that they can't hear, but it's almost impossible.

— Will, are you there? — it's not possible, what does Nate want? Talk a lot more s**t about being straight, and think what happened between us is wrong?

— Nate, if you came here with a moral lesson for me, come back!

— No, I noticed you weren't well, you looked down, and now you're locked in there, and from the noise, you're crying...

— It's all right!

— No, you're not fine! You're not like that... Open the door, please!

Why the hell does he want me to open the door?

— No, I already said it's okay, I don't know why you're worried?

— Please open the door! He uses a sugary tone of voice that makes my heart beat wildly, and I feel an urge to do as he asks.

I open the door, and I meet his gaze, it wasn't intimidating. I get out of the bathroom, I look at the mirror in front of me, I'm redder than a pepper, my eyes don't even speak... I see him approaching me, I turn my face to face him, his eyes look worried, and he just hug me. I don't move, I'm stunned. Yesterday he told me not to touch him, and now he hugs me? I put my hands around his back, and a feeling of home, well being… I'm not sure. We stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, until he pulled back and looked at me.

— What's the matter with you? You're always smiling, you talk to everyone, and today you're locked in the bathroom, crying, and you seem to be feeling really bad about something. I learned yesterday… — I honestly don't feel like talking about yesterday.

— I'm like this because of my parents, we had a very serious discussion, they found out about the series and talked about horrors...

— Will you give up on the series? His eyes look quite worried when he asks me that.

— No. I'm just really saddened by what I've heard from them, the people who are supposed to support me actually want me to be an overhead projector, I have to project what they want. It's like I don't have a life of my own, you know? I'm twenty years old, and all my life I've heard that I can't do a lot of things because I'm the heir of the Wonchai, but I don't want to be the heir to anything!

Nate holds my hands, and continues to look at me. Your look makes me feel so confident.

— Calm down Will, you need to calm down. And your parents, they'll eventually accept it, you just can't put your head down now, you know?

I'm too fragile to feel Nate holding my hands, and looking at me like this. He brings one of his hands to my face, and runs the pad of his thumb to wipe away my tears. A simple act, but it makes my heart beat very fast. I notice the intensity of his gaze on my mouth, his proximity makes me alert, and a heat spreads through my body, and as if that wasn't enough, he bites that damn lip, leaving me even more vulnerable.