Boys Love Boys

This way I will go crazy

Will

“Mom, I...”

 My breath quickens, I open my eyes and realize that it was all a dream. I sit up in bed, my breathing still rapid. I take a deep breath and try to calm down. A feeling of frustration washes over me. It's not possible that this was all a dream, it was so real! My fingers touch my lips, I close my eyes and the whole scene plays out in my mind. If I keep having dreams like that, I'll go crazy.

I leave the dressing room straight to the recording set. I walk there with great anxiety, we will record the kiss scene, and the kisses we exchanged in this last dream don't leave my head. I arrive on set, and the scene takes place in Wanchai's room, and Nate is sitting on the bed talking to our director. I approach, and they both look at me.

— Will, was guiding Nate through the scene, sitting next to him so we can go over some details!

— Of course… — I do what he asks of me. I look to the side, and Nate stares at me with some discomfort, will he claim he was drunk, like in the dream? Oh Will, stop that s**t! I'm going to end up deconcentrating and messing up.

— So you stop him from leaving, hold his hand and say they need to talk, and he says he has nothing else to say...

— He sits back on the bed, and I say that I'm going to start dating a girl and that we don't have to fake it, because everyone on campus has convinced themselves that I'm irresistible, and...

— That's right! the director exclaims.

— I get desperate, and I say my text about the pain Thirasak feels about being dumped for a girl, and he tries to say something else, and I have to kiss him…" Nate complements, I stare at him and swallow hard.

— That's right. Now we need to go over the lines, and then we start recording. Another thing, you know that if it doesn't work out the first time, we'll do it again, and Will, you don't have to kiss him, it's just Thirasak that catches Wanchai off guard, and touches his lips, that's all. — only that because you weren't the one who had an almost erotic dream about the guy in front of you, and you still have to feel his lips and stay still. This is not going to work!

All the scenes that precede the kiss were done only once, were we very focused, or is it the desire to kiss? Stop thinking nonsense... And now, let's redo the last part before the kiss, because Nate came to kiss me without saying his text, maybe it's not silly on my part. We sit on the bed, Nate is bent over as if he wants to pass out, after all Thirasak is a little drunk.

— Action — the director authorizes.

I give Nate a confused look and start talking.

— I'll take Surya seriously... Did you hear what I said? I said I'll take her seriously! I say, and watch Nate's, or rather Thirasak's, look a mixture of sadness and anger.

— Will you hit on her? And what am I to you? Just a toy?

— What? What got into you?

— Should I pretend I'm heartbroken in front of the university? Should I cry?

— Hey, what do you have, Thirasak? I just want to have a girlfriend, because you're… — and at that moment Wanchai can't complete his sentence, he's surprised by Thirasak's mouth that touches him with great despair.

He walks away from me.

— I like you, stay with me! — this text is accompanied by an intense look, full of love to give. My heart beats so fast, I'm stunned.

[...]

The kiss scene was re-shot four more times, P'Tan looked dissatisfied and wanted multiple angles of the kiss, Nate didn't complain, and I didn't. But the seemingly desperate, wild way it took my mouth ended up leaving marks, my bottom lip bruised and a little swollen. Despite that, I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed the feel of his mouth touching mine, I maintained enormous self-control. Congratulations, Will!

I left the set, looking for some ice so it wouldn't swell even more. I walk down the long hallway until I reach the dressing room door. In the corner there is a fridge, I open it and there is no ice, I ask the makeup artists where there is ice, and one of them tells me I should look for the cafeteria, or the production room. I leave the dressing room, and I almost bump into the person who wanted to devour my mouth.

— Will, it's... Are you okay?

— My mouth is a little swollen, and I was looking...

— Ice... — he says and hands me an ice pack. I look at him in surprise, and smile. — Sorry, I think I got too heavy. I did not want to hurt you...

— Okay, it's business stuff!

— How about we go somewhere else? We're halfway down the hall.

I follow Nate to one of the dressing rooms we usually use for rest, and I sit on the couch and he does the same. I put the ice pack in my mouth, and looked at him.

— Are you pressing well?

— Yes!

— It doesn't look like it... — he says and approaches me, takes the ice pack from my hand, and presses lightly. — That's how you do it!

I just watch him, he's very close. This isn't good, especially after feeling his mouth touching mine. His gaze looks confused. He looks at me, and the space around us. I keep watching every detail of her face, especially her mouth. He looks at me again. His eyes watch me intently, we are silent, looking at each other. But Nate can't hold her gaze for so long, he turns away, hands me the ice pack, gets up and leaves without saying anything.

[...]

Nate left me speechless. I looked for the set, but I couldn't find it. So, I gave up. I get to the parking lot, and there he is, inside his car. I approach, and I tap lightly on the window, he opens and asks.

— Hi, how are you?

— I am, but you disappeared...

— I was talking to Mark, we have a scene tomorrow! — that's a lie, I found Mark, and he said he hadn't seen Nate.

— So, see you tomorrow! I say, and turn my back towards my car.

I open the door, get in and before I do anything, the passenger door is opened.

— Nate, are you in need of...

— Will, I... I...

— What is the problem? — I ask, but he doesn't look at me, he keeps his head down.

— Will, I don't know what's happening to me... I ended my three-year relationship. I know I didn't like Mali anymore, but I was always sure of my sexuality, until...

— Until what?

— Until you show up… — I look at him in disbelief at what I'm hearing. Am I sleeping and is this another dream? If so, I don't want to wake up.

I approach, and he finally looks at me, looking scared. I shortened the distance between us even more.

— Until I show up, why? — My voice is almost a whisper.

He finally looks at me, but doesn't say anything, just bites his bottom lip. I can't look at him, so close to me and not trying anything, it's stronger than, my lips lightly touch his, he reciprocates. Our kiss is light, your tongue asks for passage, I allow it and it reminds me of the dream. Let it not be a dream... It is not a dream, Will!

My hand strokes her hair, I give light kisses on her mouth and it feels as good as in the dream. He puts his hands around my neck, our mouths don't want to let go, our tongues play bringing me an uncontrollable pleasure... Let it not be a dream!

I feel her breath catch as I suck her bottom lip, take light bites, and touch her hair. He stops, takes a deep breath and stares at me with an extremely scared look.

— What am I doing? — he looks straight ahead, shakes her head in the negative. — This is wrong, Will!

— Wrong, why? — I ask, Nate stares at me, he looks lost. After all, he was always sure he liked girls, as my sister says, he's having a "Gay Panic".

— I'm straight, I'm straight! — he yells it looking at me, and I see his tears welling up. — I was always sure of that, but now... No, it's wrong!

— Calm down, Nate! You have to stay calm, moving from denial to acceptance is difficult, and… — My hand touches his hand lightly, he looks at me strangely, I don't know… It looks like hate.

— Do not touch me! — he snarls, and gets out of my car, leaving me with a feeling of emptiness, shame and fear.