Restart

Chapter fourteen

SIENNA'S POV

"Are you glad to be back home?" I ask Ethan as we walk out the airport. We had spent nearly four weeks in America while I sorted out everything that needed doing. Although I hated every moment of being there I was sure glad Ethan had stuck by my side even if I hadn't wanted it to begin with. In the end he took over dealing with everything in the end as I ended up having a meltdown when some issue selling the house arouse.

All I had to do was sign paperwork and Ethan did the rest. In return I insisted he let me try help with his work load wanting something to do and Ethan instead would talk me through everything he would be doing and share what he could with me or asked my input. I'm sure it must of taken Ethan twice as long to do all this and I must of been right pain to be with. So therefore I was sure Ethan would be delighted to be back. But instead he kinda looked like he wasn't excited at all to be home by the look on his face.

"Of course I am, but I was kinda enjoying being away even though we both had things to deal with it was nice having you to share it with. Plus I'm gonna miss having a hot tub to hand everyday and night" Ethan says.

"You loved that hot tub more than any women you ever loved" I say laughing just as we head in the direction Charlie and Harry said they would meet us to pick us up.

"Oh, you've no idea. Anyway you ready to meet baby Jordan?" Ethan says. I still can't believe how many times they changed the name of my nephew. But they got there in the end I think to myself.

"We will soon find out" I say plastering on a smile. Yet I also think that is rather die a slow death inside than allow Sid anymore amo to think I'm ruining his happy little family's first moments.

"If your not ready they will understand" Ethan says.

"I'm fine. Dont worry about me" I say as we see Harry and Charlie walking towards us. I wave my hand at them and they quickly start running towards us to help us with our suitcases. To think Ethan came with one small suitcase yet came back with a rucksack and two huge big suitcases. me on the other hand I came back with a hand luggage bag, two massive suitcases plus small bags that sit on top of the suitcases to match them. Everything else I wanted to keep was being shipped back and kept at my parents house. They insisted on it so I wouldn't waste money with a storage unit.

"Welcome home" Harry says taking a suitcase from me. While Charlie takes a suitcase from Ethan.

"Thanks. Its definitely feels good to see the back of the states right now" I say.

"Thats good to hear, you decided where your be going on hoilday yet?" Charlie asks..

"No, not yet I think I may even just get a last minute deal somewhere. Who knows don't worry though in not rushing back off today" I say while mentally thinking actually I'm only here a few days since I already booked up a little cottage in Scotland for a month. Not that they need to know that just yet as there all have a meltdown for sure or try to talk me into joining them i think to myself as Ethan says "I dunno about Sienna but I need a hoilday myself now. Who would of thought I'd even come back with this much and one suitcase is gifts from the work where I temporarily set up base".

"You wasn't complaining when they gave you the gifts" I say laughing.

"No, true but I thought about it now there gifts cost me two suitcases plus the extra fees to get them back home and there not light suitcases. plus the extra clothes I brought it was some full on weeks for us both. I could sure as hell use a hoilday doing nothing" which makes Harry and Charlie also laugh while I just look at Ethan and give him a sorry looking smile..

"I think we been just as busy helping you keep this end afloat where you couldn't plan ahead. Plus keeping tabs on your business and helping Sid with his. I think me and Harry need a hoilday" Charlie says just as we reach the car.

"Sod it, Sienna we all need a hoilday hurry up and let us know where you want to go" Harry says taking my last suitcase to put in the boot.

"Guys, I love you all dearly and I swear we can all go on hoilday once I'm back from my own little hoilday. I won't be going partying or shopping daily. I won't even go plan ahead sight seeing. This break away is for me to find me again, but once I come back im hoping I will be as near me as I use to be so we can go do all them fun things together on hoilday like the old times" I say.

"We know, but still we can wish we were snuck into your suitcase" Charlie says taking my hand luggage from me as Ethan puts his suitcases in boot. Well one of them anyway the other one is going in the back whilst my hand luggage has been put in the foot well of the passenger seat of the car.

"Alright princess get in the car. Your up front" Charlie says so I get in the car knowing there's no point arguing out that I can help load the car. They will never let me do such a task.

ETHAN'S POV

The whole journey back although we were all talking away and catching up I'd noticed Sienna had fiddled with her necklace the whole way back. She may not want to admit that she is feeling nervous, maybe even worried about meeting baby Jordan but one thing for sure her body language speaks more volumes to me.

I quickly send Sid a message when we are a few minutes away.

Play nice, Sienna may say she is fine but trust me when I say she isn't. She is gonna pretend and hide away her feelings the best she can to try not ruin this for you even though she still pissed off with you she clearly cares enough to want to make you enjoy this moment. So if she slips just pretend you haven't noticed.

As we pulled up a reply came through saying

I know, I still feel so awful. I hope Sienna can forgive me one day. See you soon.

I hope she can fully forgive him soon as well I think to myself as we all start to get out the car.

"You go on in princess in your own time though. We will bring your bags" Harry says.

"But if you want us to go in with you we can do that as well" Charlie says just as the front door opens out comes Sue as she says "Finally your back. I'm telling you I was on the verge of getting on a plane and dragging you home myself".

"Mum, I'm sure you have had more important things to deal with here. I'm here now anyway" Sienna says as Sue hugs Sienna.

"Your all equally important to me. Come on let's get inside everyone can't wait to see you" Sue says

"You all go inside, I just want a minute to breath in the fresh air. I've been on a stuffy plane and then stuck in the car. I will be in before you know it" Sienna says.

"Okay, but were taking your bags I can't risk you running off before we barely had a chance to see each other" Sue says making us chuckle as we finish unloading the car.

"Sure go ahead" Sienna says.

"Want us to hang out here with you?" I ask as we walk up towards Sienna and her mum goes on back indoors.

"No, I'm good thanks. Please go on in and meet Jordan" Sienna says plastering on that smile like she does once again. Only it doesn't meet her eyes that look like there on a roller rollercoaster of mixed emotions.

"Okay, take as long as you need" I say as we all head on in leaving Sienna sat on the stairs leading to the porch.

SID'S POV

I was stood in the door way listening to everyone chatter but keeping my eyes out towards the door wishing Sienna would walk in already.. but I also knew she needed a moment and that was okay as well. I just really wanted to know she was as okay as could be. If today wasn't the day for her to meet Jordan I'd understand. I just wished she would forgive me. How everyone else could just forget Sienna was outside right now and carry on going gaga eyes over Jordan is baffling me. Well maybe not baffling because he is so darn cute and loveable that I can definitely understand I think to myself. Yet I'm also stood here fretting over Sienna. I couldn't take it anymore so I made my way to the front door. carefully opening it not wanting to startle Sienna.

"Okay, I'm taking deep breaths already" I hear Sienna say and I realise she is sat on the porch on the phone. So I sneak out carefully shutting the door again not wanting to startle Sienna.

"Okay so you want me to break it down and explain again now I've done my breathing exercises?" I hear Sienna say and then after a few seconds Sienna continues by saying "When you break it down into bullet points its alot. I mean for starters because of what happened to me everyone is gonna instantly be watching my every breath nevermind trying to figure out how I'm feeling. Will I break. like seriously what if I actually cry happy tears there take the baby straight off me and assume I'm crying in sadness. I know there's a chance i may do that, but for Christ sake I'm Sienna Beatwood and I'm a world top class surgeon. I save children's lifes. So it's not like I'm going to lose it and hurt my own nephew. But that's how there likely react no matter if I cry happy or sad tears so I can't cry.

but then if I look sad there also do the same. but surely I can be happy and sad at the same time. I won't lie its going to make me think of my three angel babys. I know that and you know that. We spoke about it and you helped me prepare. But I'm allowed to be happy that my nephew is here alive, I'm allowed to also be happy for them because I'd never wish such a thing on any of them" Sienna stops a second and I'm assuming this maybe her therapist on the phone.

"Okay, deeps breaths" Sienna says and she takes a few deep breaths.

"Yeah, its better. But anyway as I was saying I thought I was ready to meet Jordan but I didn't realise I wasn't ready to be watched by everyone like I'm some kinda TV series. Its really adding the pressure on and making me so anxious. I'm sure there be all coming out before long thinking I've done a runner or something" Sienna says.

Then after a moment Sienna says "No the five senses won't work this time let's face it, I will see everyone staring at me actually scratch that I won't feel the babys softness because I will feel eyes digging into my skin even more, I hope I don't smell a dirty diaper and I will see everyone watching me out the corner of my eyes while I will be smiling making out I'm only looking at the baby and not casually looking around to see if my horrified at my reaction that there snatch the baby in fear of god knows what, when I'd just be horrified at a sticky diaper" then she goes silent again for a moment to which I decided I'd heard enough.

I go over as I say "Or you could of just told me everything and I could of saved you being stuck out here so long". Sienna turns to look at me looking horrified as she says "What did you hear?".

"Enough to know your more scared of your family and friends who have been around for a long time over little baby. And you know what your right we probably would of done all that unknowingly only because we care. We definitely don't think your hurt Jordan though. However I have a idea" I say

"Can I call you back later?" Sienna says and before I know Sienna is off the phone and she takes a few deep breaths before looking at me and saying "What your idea, because right now I seem out of them"

"Do you trust me?" I ask.

"I never had trust issues, No thats not my weakness from what I can recall, My weakness is not knowing how to ask for help which ruins everyone's lives" Sienna says.

"Okay, I deserved that. I know your still upset with me and rightly so. I'm just asking you give me a chance to make things right" I say.

"If you think this is me having ago saying my pieces then you wrong Sid. Trust me if I said my piece you really would feel bad. You know what, maybe I should go for a walk and come back later when you have gone home. That way it will be easier for everyone all round" Sienna says.

"Uh, no! Now your just picking a fight to try get out of what's really bothering you. I know you better than anyone. instead of saying in whats upsetting you, you would rather avoid it. Your do what you think everyone else needs or say what" I start to say but stop when my mind starts ticking over and I think I figured something out.

"Why are you staring at me like that for?" Sienna asks warily..

"You don't talk about the children that died when you were working instead you would ring us crying. You couldn't speak the words because it was to much and make you cry worse. If we wanted to talk about Clive and what he has done to you, your do all you can to avoid it because you can't cope talking about it. If we were to talk about your babys you would so all you can to avoid it. because its to much and your cry and cry as if your never stop. talking about things that upset and overwhelm you always have been a thing you struggled with. So tell me this a simple answer all them times you rang us crying we assumed you lost a patient a child patient. adults you can handle but children you cry. They wasn't all patients you lost in why you would ring us crying is it? We assumed why you were crying when in reality you were ringing crying out in your own way for help. I'm right aren't I?" I say feeling like a i***t for taking so long to figure it all out.

Sienna looks at me wide eyed before she says "It doesn't matter anymore. Just go back inside and be with everyone else".

"Not without you, unless your now to scared to even walk in the house. Otherwise we can " I start to say, However Sienna starts shouting whilst tears are forming at her eyes "You know what Sid, yes I am scared! I'm scared of alot of things, you want to talk about them let's talk about them. I will run you off a nice list shall I? I'm scared to go in there because I have no idea how I'm going to feel but no matter what your all judge me for it! I'm scared that I will always feel like this! I'm scared, I may not have the physical abuse anymore but it lives on in my brain which I can't switch off! I'm scared the nightmares will never go away! I'm scared that I will never be happy again, I'm gonna be like this forever ruining everyone's lives!" By which point nearly everyone had walked outside looking at Sienna in shock. But she continues shouting as if she hasn't noticed anyone has come out. Her tears are flowing full on now but we can all understand her loud and clear as she continues shouting "I'm scared that if I start to be happy I will forget my three little angels! I'm scared that to look at myself in the mirror. I must look like a right horror movie! I'm scared, I'm so bloody damaged that I won't ever trust any man ever again to get close enough to date me let alone have a chance to maybe be a mum one day. Even then I'm scared of wanting to get pregnant again maybe one day in fear of going through this heartache again! So yeah I'm scared of alot of bloody things, am I'm a human. Is that what you wanted to hear?" with that I go over to Sienna who is now a sobbing mess and hug her as I say "No, I didn't want to upset you.. I just wanted to help. But it's okay to be scared of all of them things. Its also okay to let us know what your scared of so we can help you overcome them and be stronger. Although you helped me clear the house with your shouting, I think except for Maria everyone is now stating at us.. maybe we should leave them all outside while you go in and meet Jordan.. I can bring Maria out with me and you can have all the time you need without any of us adding pressure onto you" I say Sienna leans back slightly to look at me and her face is looking like I grew two heads or something.

"Your really leave me all alone with Jordan?" Sienna asks through tears. I wipe gently at her face to try and dry up the tears as I say "Yeah, you know what else though since everyone has just witnessed you crying so badly no one will notice if you do cry while meeting Jordan. Well unless you come out still crying otherwise your leave us all wondering. That's okay as well you know. Your right, you deserve to feel however you need to feel without all of us watching you like a TV show" I say.

"You really did hear all my phone call" Sienna says.

"Yeah, I really did want to help. I think you just got a little worked up. But I also think you needed to vent all that out as well" I say.

"Maybe a little bit" Sienna says.

"Hmm, let's not forget you where already doing your best to try hold it all together and to top it off very anxious. I know I'm not your favourite person lately as well, So it being me overhearing that phone call and then trying to help. Well I definitely was the wrong person. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. Lets dry these tears and get inside" I say

"Okay" Sienna says.

I wrap my arm around Sienna shoulders and she leans into me as we walk towards the front door.

"Sienna is going to meet Jordan alone. And she will let us know when we can come back inside. I'm just going to let Maria know then I will come back out" I say

"Your being very dramatic, you don't have to wait outside, the kitchen will be fine for you all to wait" Sienna says and I look down at her shaking my head in disbelief as I say "me dramatic?"