Hammer

8 - Conflicted

Hammer

Prick.

Fuckin’ son of a bitc.h!

Shepard let the motherfucke.r off with what he’d done. All because Willow didn't want Trace to be thrown out of the club. I can’t fuckin’ believe her!

Why the hell wouldn’t she want him punished to the max for what he’d done?

She’s a damn pushover, that’s what she is.

How will I ever make Willow see she deserves better than men who walk all over her?

Is she so clueless when it comes to men that she’d just put up with this shi.t?

I think it’s time I taught her how to stand up for herself.

I made sure that prick knew I wasn’t happy and that I’d fuckin’ kill him if he ever so much as thought about Willow again. And I mean it, too. More than I've ever meant it before!

“Why don’t you back the fuc.k off a little, huh?” Cunt has balls, I’ll give him that.

“Listen to me, you fuckin’ dumb shi.t!” I had Trace by the shirt front. Pinned against the wall at the side of the clubhouse. Shepard may have let him off, but I wasn’t about to let him walk away thinkin’ he’d got away with what he did.

Why couldn’t he be a puss.y who whimpered and pissed himself instead of a tough SOB who doesn't back down from anything?

Trace is not as tall as I am, not as built either, but the man backs down from no one. A good quality for a Snake.

It doesn’t mean he’s not a massive cunt, though.

It doesn’t mean he won’t fight back, either.

“Don’t even think about...”

“Save it, Hammer! I’m not gonna go near her. Okay? But don’t for one second think I won’t be there for Willow should she need me.”

“Don’t make me laugh!” The stupid fuc.k! “You don’t give a fuc.k about Willow! If you cared even slightly about her, you wouldn’t’ve cheated on her every damn chance you got.”

He grabbed my wrists and yanked them from his shirt. He straightened it, eyes stormy as he looked me dead in mine. I wanted to kill him then and there, but I knew where that would lead me. Out of the Snakes... or worse.

“I didn’t cheat on Willow all the time. Look, I know what I’ve done. I ain’t got no excuses, Hammer. I’m a cunt. And it was once, that’s all.”

Like that makes a difference.

Ain’t once enough?

Not that, I believe, for one second, it was only once.

Even if it was, why pick a damn club whor.e to cheat on your girl with?

Inside the clubhouse where the whole damn club is partying the night away?

“But I do care about Willow, even if it doesn’t look that way.”

I snarled at him. Nothing Trace said would ever convince me he cared for Willow. No man who loves his woman would ever cheat on her.

“Why don’t you just claim the girl, Hammer?”

“Shut the fuc.k up!”

What the fuc.k does he know about anything, anyway?

“You pretend like you don’t want her, but it’s very fuckin’ obvious to everyone else that you do. She wants you too, you know? Always fuckin’ has. I never stood a damn chance! Always in your fuckin’ shadow.”

I slammed the cunt back against the wall, ready to rip his fuckin’ head off! Motherfucke.r just laughed. Typical of this prick.

Sometimes I wonder if he’s got a couple screws loose. Trace knows what I can do, how fuckin’ vile the act of killing is when I commit it. But he wasn’t bothered by any of it.

“You don’t know a fuckin’ thing about it. Stay away from Willow, or I’ll fuckin’ kill you, rules or no fuckin’ rules.”

I walked away from him. I needed to get the anger outta me. That’s why I’m here in the gym, boxing this shi.t outta my system. The harder I punch that damn bag, the angrier I get. There’s no fuckin’ truth in what Trace said. I do not want Willow!

Liar!

I punch the bag harder, my muscles tightening and flexing, burning with the force of those hits. That bastard has gotten inside my head. Too fuckin’ far inside.

I'll admit it to myself: I want Willow, and I’ve wanted her for longer than I’m willing to admit. Fuc.k, I wanted her when she was eighteen. I knew I’d never be able to put my hands on her. I knew Shepard would kill me if I went there.

I ignored it. I’m good at that. I knew I’d fuc.k Willow up if I touched her. I’d never do that to her. Anyway, she was smart enough not to show any interest in me. Others might say she’s always wanted me, but she never made it clear to me.

Then I met my Cindy. Yeah, I’d seen her before when she was a kid. I even saw her at Coral and Stryker’s wedding, like I said. But she was different this time; she was so grown up and so beautiful. Love at first sight doesn't even come close to what we had.

I remember our first conversation as if it were yesterday. Coral had brought Cindy to the clubhouse to see Shepard. He was pleased to see her. Every fuckin’ guy in the room was. But it was Willow who grabbed her, both of them squealing excitedly like little girls. I couldn’t take my eyes off either of them. Both women were so damn beautiful. Long legs, full figures, pouty lips. Then Cindy turned, and our eyes locked.

She was so fuckin’ shy. So damn beautiful. My coc.k twitched in my jeans when she smiled at me. I watched her for a while, and then she snuck off to the bathroom, and I followed.

Smart girl knew I was following her. I found her waiting just outside the bathroom door, a smile on her gorgeous face.

‘Are you following me, handsome?’

That one question did me in. I was lost to Cindy in that moment. I wanted her, and I wouldn’t stop until she was mine. I’d never been the kind of man to settle down, never thought I’d find a woman who’d put up with me. But looking at her then, I knew she was it for me.

‘Yeah. I’m followin’ you, beautiful.’

She grabbed my cut and pulled me toward her. ‘Good.’ She said while standing on her tiptoes and crushing her lips against mine. She was mine from that moment on. Nothing else meant anything to me but Cindy. God, I loved her so fuckin’ much.

Looking back, when we told Willow about us, just for a split second, I saw the crushed look in her eyes. I didn’t know what it meant back then, but I’m starting to understand that she wanted to be the one I claimed.

I can’t imagine what that felt like for her.

Willow made no fuss about it, not in the negative, at least. She was happy for Cindy and me, even more so when we got engaged. It was quick, but it felt so right.

Willow was nothing but happy to help Cindy with the arrangements for the wedding. I’d come home each evening to find them deep in conversation about wedding plans. Glasses of wine in their hands, laughter echoing off the walls.

What kind of woman in love with a man would help someone else to be with him?

Willow, that’s who. A woman who loved her best friend like a sister and wanted her to be happy.

Willow is so fuckin’ special. I’ve always known it.

She was there for me when Cindy was killed. The only person I could bear to have near me. But not all the time. Sometimes, I couldn’t bear to have Willow near me either. But she never gave up on me; she never completely walked away. She told me every day that she wouldn’t give up on me, that even though I didn’t want to hear it, things would get easier one day for me.

Things did get easier as time went on. I guess that shi.t is true. Time eases the pain little by little. Cindy will always be in my heart; there is no doubt about that. I’ll never be able to let her go entirely. She was my fuckin’ world.

They say that true angels are here for a short while before God takes them back into the kingdom of heaven.

God took my Cindy too soon.

But did he leave the angel Willow to mend my heart, mind, soul, and my life?

Was she always the one I was destined to be with?

I don't know. God, I just don’t know!

I’m so fuckin’ conflicted right now. These feelings I’m having toward Willow are making me crazy. I want her, want to make her mine, but I feel so damn guilty because of Cindy.

What if being with Willow means I’ll forget Cindy?

I can’t bear the thought of moving on with someone else and slowly forgetting the woman who taught me how to live.

Fuc.k this fuckin’ shi.t!

I pound on the bag harder and harder. This shi.t ain’t helping to clear my head none. If anything, I’m making myself crazier. I pound and pound that fuckin’ bag until I have no fight left in me. I rest my forehead against it, breathing hard and fast.

What would Shepard say if I claimed his little girl?

He almost tore my brother’s head off when he claimed Nova, Prez’s middle daughter.

Of course, he didn’t. He let Tank claim Nova, and even gave his blessing for my brother to adopt Nova’s little girl. They’re even getting married soon.

Fuc.k it. I have to talk to Willow. I don’t know what I’m gonna say, but I can’t go on like this. I know it’s too soon for her to be with anyone after Trace, but she has to know that I won’t be keeping my distance anymore. I won’t be leaving her alone, just as she never left me alone. I’m here for her now and always.

Who knows what might come out of it.