Hammer

7 - Now what?

Willow

I didn’t stay long with the girls. My mind wasn’t on anything other than getting home and taking a long hot bath filled with bubbles. That’s why I spent ten minutes with my little niece and left. This is what I needed - to soak in the hot water in my tub.

Trace hasn’t been in contact with me yet. I’m not sure if he’s avoiding me or whether or not the boys have hurt him. I don’t like the idea of either of those scenarios. No, I don’t want him back; he and I are done for good this time. But I don’t want him to get hurt either.

I don’t want Shepard to outcast Trace from the club. That’s what I told my dad when he called to say he wanted to see me. I told him I didn’t want to make a big deal of things and that I’d see him tomorrow. I told him I was angry with Trace for what he did, but I didn’t want him to lose his place with the Snakes; he worked hard to get to where he is. He’s dedicated to the club and the Brothers, and God knows he’s never had much to cling to in his life.

I don’t want anyone to treat him differently. All I want is for us to part amicably. I don’t think we can ever be close friends again after what he’s done, but that doesn’t mean I want to ruin his life either.

I know I sound like a stupid doormat right now. Trust me, I am no doormat. I just don’t feel the need to be a bitc.h about everything. I was so close to death once that I learned to just let go of things that mean nothing any longer. I’m hurt, but if Trace knew how I’ve loved another man for months on end, he’d be just as broken. I may not have cheated on Trace physically, but I did mentally plenty of times.

Does that make me as bad as him?

Dad was angry but promised he wouldn’t throw Trace out of the club, but he’d be on probation for the next few weeks. That was all I could ask for, and I was surprised my dad even listened to me. But he did, and I was grateful.

I left Trace a voicemail earlier, asking him to meet with me to discuss things. I don’t just want to walk away without knowing why he did this to me. I’m not going sit here and bash myself over a relationship that has never really worked. We’ve both done things we shouldn’t have. But at least I can say I never physically cheated. But we should have realized when Trace first cheated that we were never going to work out. I don’t think I ever really moved past it. I was stupid to have given him a second chance.

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the tub. I tied my hair up in a high bun before I climbed into the hot water. All I wanted was to relax. And relaxing right now feels so good. My muscles have been aching like crazy today.

It’s not unusual for me to ache like this after what happened to me. The way I was bound to the chair in that room gave me a crick in my neck, and back that’s never really gone away. Plus, my arm was broken after they hit me. It may have healed now, but I still feel it sometimes. Then there’s my throat and the fact it still hurts me sometimes. My scar burns a lot. It’s irritating at best.

I’ve only got my PJs on before the door knocks. I quickly rush to it. It’s Trace. Not that I expected anything less. He stayed away last night, probably at the clubhouse. He didn’t even call me to let me know he was alive. Inconsiderate prick.

He would have let himself in if I hadn’t bolted the door. He may live here with me, but this is my house. Shepard bought it for me last year. Trace and I hadn’t lived together before that.

I let Trace walk past me and into the living room. I can see the bruises on his face from where Hammer hit him. He’s also holding his ribs, so I imagine someone else has hit him. Unless Hammer really did hammer into him.

“What can I help you with?” I don’t care how formal that sounds; this man is nothing to me now.

That’s not true. I want him to be nothing, but he’ll always be something; as much as I hate it, it’s true.

“Just came to get my stuff. I won’t be here long.”

“That’s it? No, 'Sorry for cheating on you while you were in the next room with your family, Willow'?”

“Where would it get me?”

Is he for real?

He’s not even going to apologize for what he’s put me through?

“Shepard wants me to move out and leave you alone. If I do that, I won’t lose my place with the Snakes.” Oh well, if that’s all he cares about. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry it had to end this way.”

“Just answer me this, did you stay with me after what happened out of duty?”

I don’t need to know how many times Trace cheated; it wouldn’t make me feel any better about things if he told me. In fact, it would probably make me feel worse, so I won’t ask.

“I’m sorry, Will, I never wanted to hurt you. I honestly didn’t. I’m not a complete monster. You’re my friend. But the fact is, it wasn’t working between us for months before you were taken, you know that.”

I do know that. We hadn’t been working for a while, but neither of us had the guts to end it.

“I was planning on breaking up with you the day you were kidnapped.” Real nice. “I thought they’d killed you.”

“So, you got on with your life without even trying to help find me?! You know what? Don’t answer that; I don’t even care about the answer. Just get your stuff and get out of my house.”

“I did help find you. Where the hell has this bullshit come from?! My God!” He rakes his hands through his long hair. I see so much hurt in his eyes. “My grandfather died a couple nights before you were found. I had been over at his place when I got the call to say they knew where you were. I rushed right over, but I was too late; you were...”

“It doesn’t matter, Jordan."

“But it does matter, Willow. I don’t ever want you to think I prioritized others over you. I would have done anything to be the one to save you, but I wasn’t. I can't change that, but I need you to know that I would never have given up until you were home.”

I clench my jaw, pulling back my emotions. Trace can be an asshole sometimes, but I know deep down that he means what he says. I won’t have others repeatedly telling me that Trace didn’t help look for me or that he didn’t care if I was found alive. I know that he did.

“We might not be in love any longer... Because you’re not in love with me either, are you?”

I swallow hard and shake my head. I won’t lie to him because there is no point in that now.

Trace nods. “I might not be in love with you, but I do love you, Willow, and I always will. I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I did at the club. I own that I was a fool. I don’t know what came over me. But none of it was your fault, Will. You did nothing wrong. My actions are my own.

“You didn’t have to speak to Shepard and ask him to let me stay with the club. Any other woman would have wanted me killed for what I did. But you’re not just any woman, Willow Jackson. You’re special. Always have been and always will be.”

I smile slightly. “This is a clean break for both of us. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I love you, too, and I’ll always be here if you need a friend. But it’s time for you to go now, Trace.” And he does just that.

Without another word and a sad smile, Trace packs his things and leaves. The end of a three-year relationship just like that.

Now what?