Forever, With Love

Chapter Six

Ava

Breakfast was delicious. I forgot this man could cook. The eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, pancakes, everything was amazing but the best part was spending the morning with Lucas. God, I missed this little boy. I’ve grown so attached to him, especially since he’s been coming to my office after Art apologized. I wasn't going to but who am I to deny Lucas the best care possible. It also helps I see him a lot with the others. I love his spirit and positivity in everything he has in his life. Well, all the kids really. What I would do to be little again and start over.

I’m not going to lie when it hurts my heart a bit that things have been tense between Art and I because it’s affecting him. I see the way Lucas looks at me. It’s a look I dream of daily and the last thing I want was for everything to affect him negatively.

I will never admit this out loud, but when Art and I were together, I would pretend Lucas was mine. It was so vivid. I imagined him calling me mom as I tucked him at night after reading him a bedtime story and singing him a song terribly because I am tone deaf. I would look up and Art would be there, leaning against the doorjamb, smiling with all the love in his eyes. We would go back to our room in our home and we would make love all throughout the night until we woke up in the morning with little feet in our faces because Lucas would sneak in and want to cuddle.

I shook my head at my imagination coming back to reality, remembering it was our reality not long ago...and how I desperatly want it back, but I can't until things settle and I help myself first.

Mom always did say you can't love someone else fully until you learn to love yourself and I need to go back to that.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Lucas, tugging on the sleeve of my shirt. I turned my head, smiled down at him, "Auntie, can you take me to school with daddy?” he asked, finishing his chocolate milk. I choked on the eggs I was eating, making Art rush over, patting me on my back trying to help me calm the coughing down. I reached out and grabbed my milk that was on the table and took a couple of gulps as I evened my breathing.

“Hey…you okay?” He asked and all I could do was nod as he rubbed my back. He was acting like this was a normal for him. Is it to the point where I don't know about it? Hell, Lucas calling him daddy came as a freaken surprise.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas asked.

I shook my head and smiled, “Nothing, just went down the wrong pipe. But yeah, I’ll take you to school with him but only because you asked and I need someone tough and strong to walk by the road with me.” I winked to him as beamed up at me. I was not expecting to hear that. I mean, I knew sooner or later he would call Art, dad, but I wasn’t expecting to hear it now.

I wish he would have called me mom.

But that's inappropriate since Art and I aren't dating.

Getting him ready was a breeze with lots of laughter and tickling. It's moments like these I missed, especially when Art left the room and Lucas came up and hugged me, telling me he missed me and thank you for the sleep over. It was then I knew for a fact I needed a day with just the both of us. We walked to the school together since it was only a ten minute walk from my apartment, Art closest to the road, Lucas in the middle holding his hand and I on the other side. Art and I didn’t talk as we enjoyed listening to Lucas tell us all about school and everything they’ve done so far this year. This kid made school sound amazing. I totally didn’t remember it being like that. I was focused on walking and not tripping over my feet when I felt a little hand slip into mine.

Lucas grabbed my hand and smiled up at me, forcing both of us to swing our arms as we swung him into the air on the count of three. Hearing him laugh out loud like that brings a joy to me, one that I’ve been missing since everything started to go downhill. To the outside world, we looked like a happy family. It was a nice imagination but we both knew we were the farthest from that.

All I could hope was maybe one day this can happen again because I was serious when I said I wanted to fix things with him. I needed to but I needed to somehow tell him why I loved him because he needed that. I know it's silly, well, maybe. There has to be a reason why he needs to hear it and if it he needs to, then I will somehow gather the courage to tell him...somehow.

“Hey Lucas!” I heard someone call out to him. He slowly let go of our hands and waved timidly to a beautiful brunette. Her hair was wavy and came down to right below her shoulders and she was dressed in the prettiest soft green summer dress. She’s gorgeous and when she looked up and looked right at Art, her smile grew even more, “Hey Art!” she waved enthusiastically. If I was a wolf or dog I definetly would have growled.

“Hey. How are you?” he asked, giving her a small smile. She looked down at Lucas and told him to run inside, but before he left, he turned back around and hugged me. I loved it and needed it because right now I felt like I was about to throw up. “I love you.” He whispered, “I hope you fix things with daddy because he loves you too.” Without another word, he ran into the school with the rest of his friends with my heart beating in my chest. Hearing those words gave me the courage to look up at him and open my mouth, about ready to ask him if we could talk but I quickly stopped myself.

Art and this lady, who I’m assuming is Lucas’ teacher, were chatting away, both smiling and laughing. I felt unseen but what am I supposed to do? Art and I aren’t together and looking at them, I can feel the jealousy rise in my chest. She was gorgeous and he was handsome. They would make a beautiful couple. I watched as she gently placed her hand on his arm and gave a slight rub. I saw the way he looked at her. I couldn't tell if it was curiousness or a look telling her to back off but it was making me feel invisible for a moment. I didn't know how to handle this feeling, but I tamped it down quickly before I let my inner feelings be known.

Was I over exaggerating? Yes, I knew it. I was probably seeing things but I couldn't help it. I've been hurt by two people to the point of almost breaking me completely, it ruined me for others.

I looked down at my phone and let out a sigh. I had to go, knowing I had a long day ahead of me. Without saying a word to him and one last glance, seeing him smile down at her, I turned and jogged the ten minute walk to my apartment, making it in about five minutes to quickly change and hop in my car. As I pulled out of the parking lot, my phone went off, seeing Art was calling me.

“I’m not in the mood right now.” I mumbled as I ignored it, only to hear a series of pings on my phone as I drove to my appointment. I wanted to look but I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to function the way I needed to for the rest of today.

The drive was quick to the office and on my way there, I called my mom, only for her to tell me she was sleeping and to call back during my break at the hospital, right before she aburptly hanging up on me. Who am I to argue with her? Not me. She's becoming more snippy but I don't blame her. I pulled into the parking lot to the building I’ve become accustomed to and made my way to the receptionist to check in.

I purposely make my appointments early to avoid as many people as possible. I was less likely to see someone I knew and I didn’t want to answer those questions. Within five minutes of sitting down in the waiting room, she came out and called my name and led me to her office so we could get situated.

“Good morning Ava. How are we feeling today?” she asked me with a soft smile.

“I’m good Dr. Price. I think I’m good.” I played with my fingers, looking down and not at her.

“How about you tell me what you know, not what you think?”

I’ve been seeing Dr. Price once to twice a week for the past six months ever since things got worse with my mom and no one knows. Not my mom, Sawyer, Art, no one and it’s something I want to keep to myself. I’m not ashamed to go to therapy but that would lead to more questions and I'm not ready to answer them yet. Dr. Price was amazing and we referred a lot of patients to her. I needed the help and I recognized it. She has a different approach to things so I figured I would give it a try, worst case I go to someone else.

The therapy sessions always drained me, forcing me to look at different things in my past and present to help try to see things in a different light. After an intense session, talking about how I'm currently feeling like a bomb exploded in my chest and how lost I am with everything going on, she gave me some homework, to work on myself and release the built up of emotions within. This is something I'm gonna have to ask Sawyer and Aiden to help me with if they're available. A sibling day is needed.

I walked out of the room and headed to the door thinking about everything she said. The biggest thing she said was "the past affects us all in different ways, but it's how we handle the past with our current situation that affects the present and future. Sometimes, we need to learn from that to be able to grow and let go and holding on to something such as this can do more harm than good. Take some time, let go and be reborn." Looking down and not paying attention to where I was going, I ran into this huge body. I braced myself for the feeling of my body falling to the floor when large hands held me up as I slammed my eyes shut.

“Ava?” I heard his voice and I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn’t because I would never hear the end of it, “What are you doing here?” Speak of the freaken devil. I was just thinking about calling him for a day with him and his sister.

“I should be asking you that question.” I c****d my eyebrow at him.

“Well, I’ve been coming here since I came home from deployment.” Aiden smiled, “You okay?”

“No, not really.” I said honestly. Aiden was like a brother to me and always there. He was about to open his mouth and I knew what he wanted to say, “And the answer to the question you want to ask is yes. Can we meet up after I get out of work one of these days and we can talk?”

“I hate it when you do that, you know. Reading my mind like that. It’s dangerous.” He laughed, “Yeah. I get done at the academy around four. Maybe today?”

“Maybe. I’m done around four thirty. I’ll call you?” he nodded his head and brought me into a hug.

“Whatever is going on, just know I can keep secrets better than Sawyer.” And we both laughed as he walked into the building to his appointment. I only laughed because it’s true, he does, "But I gotta go. Price is waiting for me and maybe later we can get the grownups together and have a fun night. I think it's something we all need right now." I agreed with him because fun is something I desperatly needed right now.

I looked at my watch and cursed under my breath. I was late…again and I’m in so much trouble. I was running to my car panicking. I cannot lose this job. I cannot lose my main source of income.

I quickly drove to the hospital and quickly walked through the doors. Saying hi to everyone passing me by, I went to the room where we kept our white jackets so I can grab my spare scrubs and change.

“Chief is looking for you.” Ollie said as she walked into the room, hanging her coat up as I was tying my shoe, “He’s not happy Patterson.” she sighed out, "What did you do?"

“I'm late...again.” I sighed out, “I don’t even think I should bother getting dress. The board was supposed to meet soon to go over the resident's files before boards and I have this terrible feeling.”

“Why? It’s not like you’re going to get fired. You’re one of the best residents we have.” she shrugged, “I’m sure you will be fine. Your name is still on the OR board so that’s something, right?”

I nodded, a small sense of relief washing over me, maybe this won't be as bad as I think, “You just getting done?”

“Yeah. I had to do emergency surgery on this poor kid who got high and jumped off the roof of his garage thinking he could fly. Broke both his legs in four spots. Eight plates and screws later and he’s bedbound for a long ass time. Maybe he’ll learn before he takes shrooms again. These damn Silverlake kids are going to be the death of me.” she shook his head, “I’m heading home to go to bed but also, Masters was looking for you. He looked kind of freaked out. You two a thing again or are you still running?"

“Shut up." I rolled my eyes at her, "Just because you're pro Art doesn't mean you can ask those questions."

"It sure does because someone needs to knock some sense into your thick ass skull." She smiled.

"Where is he?” I asked, tying my other shoe.

“OR two. Heart transplant surgery so he’ll be a while. He's been in there for about an hour or so. Want me to let him know you’re here?”

“Nah. You go home. I'll find him when he's done.” I said softly as she turned to leave with a nod. My phone pinged again and it was chief, telling me to meet him in his office.

"Okay. Let me know when you both are done. Maybe we can head to Nash's for some drinks and darts because we can't keep meeting like this at work. It's too damn depressing and I need some excitement in my life. We can always pin pictures of those we scorn on the dart board for some fun." I nodded my head in agreement and chuckled a bit. She was a hoot.

"Maybe. I'll let you know but maybe tomorrow or another day." she nodded her head and left, just as I cursed to myself, running to the Chief's office. I was never this nervous before, so I gathered myself and walked to his door. My hands were shaking and my body felt numb as I knocked on his door. I just had this feeling, deep down, this was not going to be a good conversation.

“Come in Patterson.” He said in a monotone voice. I opened the door and he was sitting at his desk working on who knows what when he motioned for me to sit in the chair in front of his desk, “This is the seventh time this month Ava. Seventh. What’s going on?”

“I…I just had some things I needed to take care of.” I mumbled.

“What things? You’re late constantly, leaving early, spending all your time in the west wing and neglecting your job. This is a teaching hospital and I can't teach you if you're not here. I need you to talk to me.” He said as he looked up at me, “I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on.” Does he not know about mom? Did she not tell him? Do I tell him everything? Maybe he will understand if I did and he can help me. I need this job not only for me and the insurance it provided, but for my mom.

So I talked and spilled my guts to him. I told him what was going on. I told him everything. Everything about mom. The things with me that no one really knows, that I kept hidden from him and everyone. I could see the look on his face, the sympathy and it was a look I wanted to avoid. He was shocked that I was going through so much but held myself together as I did.

I was barley hanging on but I needed to keep moving forward. I owed it to myself.

“So yeah…that is what’s going on.” I sighed and pursed my lips, looking down at my hands. I knew what was coming. I’ve seen it before.

“No one knows?” I shook my head, “You should have told someone Ava. What about your friends? Art? Brandon? Hell! Why didn't your mother tell me? I thought...I thought she trusted me more than that.” and I looked at him and saw a broken man as his eyes watered up. I couldn't believe mom did tell him...

“I'm sorry mom didn't tell you. I dont know why...I can't answer that..." My face fell, "But about Brandon and I, we broke up months ago.” He c****d his eyebrow at me, “Long story and Art, well, I just…he found out about mom but I haven't gone into details, not yet. I want to tell him but...”

“You should talk to him. You need someone in your corner like how Sara needs me.” he hands run down his face and you can see the sudden tiredness wash over him, "I can't believe she didn't tell me."

“I know.” I sighed out.

"And what about Art? Aren't you two rekindling things?"

I shook my head, "No. Not right now. Not until everything is settle."

“I wish you would have come to me sooner Ava.” He shook his head, “The board was doing their reviews on the residents and…”

The tension in my chest started to become unbearable because I knew for a fact what he was going to say. I knew this was going to happen. It’s just my luck and now, I didn’t know what I would do, “I get it.” I tried to hold back the tears, “But can you tell me, did I have a chance at attending?”

“You were at the top, which is why this hurts so much. Your attendance is the issue. You’re lack of attention can be harmful to not only you and your fellow surgeons, but to the patients. I can talk to the board and see what I can do…”

“No need. I get it and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.” I sighed, "At least this gives me time to figure things out."

“I'm sorry sorry Ava, I wish there was something I could do. Maybe I can write a letter of recommendation, a reference to somewhere else?"

“No thank you. This gives me the time I need to help mom. Can you do me a favor and not tell anyone what happened, especially Art? If they ask, just tell them I’m taking some time off please.” He nodded his head as I walked out the door, leaving my coat in his office for the next week, "Call mom...please. You can tell her I told you. I don't know why she hid it from you but she needs you."

"I will...and she hid it because she's stubborn just like you." He laughed as he stood up and came to me. He brought me into his arms and hugged me as I tried to hold in my tears, "I've seen you grow up from a young child Ava. You and your mom coming back into my life has been a blessing on it's own. She's my best friend and you are family. I will be here no matter what happens but you need to take care of yourself. Talk to him and let him in. Tell him everything you told me. He may be upset at first but he will be there. But you need to leave...because I have a phone call to make to your mother."

"Go easy on her okay? No one knows about it but you, me and Art." He c****d his eyebrow, "He saw her at home when he chased after Snoop."

"You know I will always go easy on her." He smiled.

"Thank you. Can you tell Gary too? And Erica?" I smiled at him.

"Ah, yeah. She will be home soon, I think in the next couple days. But tomorrow is another story. I have so much planned and now, I can bring Gary there and us four can just relive the old times."

"Thank you." I smiled at him softly, "Then maybe I'll see you guys tomorrow." and with that before anything else can be said, I walked out of the room, down the hall and out the door with my head held high but a weight on my shoulders.

What the hell was I supposed to do? Eighty percent of my income went to mom and I barely had enough to pay my own rent which is why I'm moving to Trinity. Hell, I was three months behind and I’ve tried so hard to make it but it was just hard. Mom’s insurance didn’t cover everything so it had to come out of pocket. Trying to figure out my next step, I left the building, got in my car and drove back to my apartment, letting the silent tears run down my face.

Who knew my life would get worse when I got home? Because the eviction notice on my door and the change of my locks stopped me from going into the apartment. I closed my eyes and slid down my door to sit on the floor, holding me knees to my chest. When it rain, it pours I guess. It's time I talk to mom about staying with her a bit until I get things situated.

As I sat there, I messaged the landlord to Trinity center to see if the place can be ready early. He cut me a deal for the first three months half off since I was a doctor so now was as good a time to move. I just had to be careful because Art was right, if anyone caught me moving into that place, all hell would break loose. I got a message back stating it can be ready in four days from now, maybe sooner and he would keep me updated so all I had to do was figure that out.

I guess my room at my mom’s is calling my name until then. I’ll have to call my current landlord to try and get into my apartment and get some of my stuff. I sent a text to Luna, telling her I'm opening my availability and to get me as many shifts as possible only for her to say she will let our boss know and get back to me. But right now, I needed my sister. Scrolling through my contacts, trying to keep my feelings at bay, I called Sawyer because I needed some fun in my life and she was going to give it to me.

“Hey love. Aren’t you supposed to be working?” she said as she answered the phone. She knew my schedule better than I did.

“Can I come over?” I asked, trying to mask my emotions.

“Of course. Everything okay?”

No, “Yeah…I just need some girl time. I need to do something fun.”

“You’re in luck. Bella has Harper and Ivy is in school. Come over and we can hang out like old times. Summer and Ray are almost here!”

“Old times?” I smiled into the phone, getting up and headed down to my car.

“Oh yeah. I want to relive the paint balloons from back in the day.” I heard her laugh and it sounded amazing, something fun and something I needed.

Don’t have to tell me twice, here I come.