Our dark place

Chapter 5: Talking

Chapter 5

Odette

"You want a ride home?" Tabitha asks as we make our way out of the school.

It's pretty late since our therapy class is at the end of the school day and is two hours long. So it's six a clock now and the sun is going down soon.

"Nah it's okay, I'll just walk home", I say.

"Don't be ridiculous", Tabitha says, grabbing her keys. "I'll give you a ride, right Fisher?"

"Of course", he says.

"Fine but it's not far", I say.

"I don't care", Tabitha says and opens a dark purple car. "Hop in".

I sigh and hop into the backseat of the car and Fisher in the passenger seat. Tabitha is already behind the wheel.

When I said that it wasn't a long drive I wasn't lying. It took Tabitha about four minutes to drive to my house.

But when she stops outside I see my dad stand on the driveway, arms crossed over his chest looking extremely worried.

I open the door and walk out.

"Odette Elizabeth Collins, where have you been?" He shouts and rushes up to me. "No calls, no texts, no nothing! We almost called the police!"

Since Cassie, my dad has been overly protective, which is understandable really.

"I'm sorry dad I couldn't call I was in school", I say and I can tell he doesn't believe me.

"It's true Mr. Collins", Tabitha says, stepping out of the car, she must’ve sensed that I needed the help. "Our principal made her and the rest of us, our friends and us", she points at Fisher who's also out of the car. "Join a therapy sort of thing class and it's two hours after school three times a week, it ended only ten minutes ago".

My dad looks from me to Tabitha to Fisher and back to me. I nod my head looking him into his eyes, trying to tell him that we're not lying without words.

"And you are...?" Dad asks.

"Tabitha Rivera", Tabitha says. "And this is my boyfriend Fisher Martin, we're Odette’s friends, there’s one more but he had to go home".

"Odette made friends?" Dad asks amused and surprised and I roll my eyes.

"Not really", I say. "They forced themselves on me and made me their friend against my will".

"Wanna stay for dinner?" Dad chuckles.

"Dad I really don't think that they..."

"Hell yeah", Fisher says. "I love food, thank you, Mr. Collins".

Tabitha giggles.

"Forgive my stupid boyfriend, but yeah we'd love to join you", Tabitha says. She's really well mannered. I smile at her.

"Come on in then", dad says.

I sigh. Tabitha and Fisher close the car doors and Tabitha locks it. They join my dad and me and we walk towards the house. Directly when dad opens the door there are screams.

"It's a zoo in here", I say. "Like always".

"Gwen, why are you screaming?" Dad asks as we walk into the kitchen where my mom, Tyler, and Gwen are. My mom is behind the stove and the kids are sitting by the table.

"Tyler is being mean!" She shouts.

"Am not!" Tyler defends himself.

"These are my siblings", I whisper to Tabitha and Fisher before turning towards the kids. "Behave, we've got company".

"Odette!" Gwen shouts and jumps down from her chair and runs up to me. She crashes against my legs and hugs them.

"Dad almost called the police", Tyler giggles and smiles mischief.

Gwen is four years old and a golden child. She always listens and never has an attitude. She's a copy of Cassie both in appearance and personality. Tyler is eight and is a cocky little boy, but he's also kind, sweet, and caring.

Gwen starts sobbing against my legs. I stand on my knees in front of her.

"Gwendolyn, what's wrong?" I ask.

"Nothing I just missed you", she says.

"Oh baby comes here", I say and wrap my arms around her.

I stand up, Gwen in my arms. She locks her legs around my waist and puts her head on my shoulder, looking at Tabitha and Fisher.

"You're pretty", she tells Tabitha.

Tabitha smiles at Gwen, she seems overjoyed by hearing this.

"Mom this is Tabitha and Fisher, dad invited them to stay for dinner", I say without looking at her.

I walk with Gwen to the table and put her down in her chair again.

"Come on you two, take a seat", my dad tells my friends before sitting down.

And that's the beginning of an awkward dinner.

***

"Your brother and sister are sweet", Tabitha says as I close the door to my room.

"Yeah, how old are they?" Fisher asks.

"Tyler's eight and Gwen is four", I say and sit down on my bed. "Gwen only remember Cassie a little, she was only three when... when it happened so, it was harder on Tyler, he didn't speak for two whole months, not a single word".

"Poor thing", Tabitha says sadly and sits down beside me.

Fisher takes a seat in the fat boy in front of us. “It must've been horrible", He says.

"I've never experienced a pain greater than losing my sister, Cassie and I would do everything together and I would braid her hair every day, and I would sing her to sleep if she had a nightmare and she was my baby", I say feeling a big lump in my throat, hurting me.

"My father lost his sister when he was young", Fisher says and I frown, looking at him. "He was eight and she was four, one day she just disappeared, she was never found again, not dead or alive so I guess my grandparents still hope that she's alive somewhere out there".

"That's awful", I say. "Like, there's never any closure".

"Yeah my dad still blames himself, he was supposed to watch her but he looked away for a second and she was just gone", Fisher says sadly. "Every year on the anniversary of her disappearance he takes out a photo of her and cries. And my dad is a big and scary man, yet he manages to seem so small and vulnerable when he does that".

"Why do people think it's funny to ruin other people's lives?" I ask. "I mean, why? And who with a conscience can kidnap children from their families?"

"Unfortunately there are people without conscious as well", Tabitha says.

Maybe this is why I believed Tabitha in class after I sang. When she told me that she's sorry for what happened to Cassie. She could say it and really mean it because of Fisher. Because he is her boyfriend and she knows what has happened to his family. So she knows what I'm going through. She's not just someone who says they're sorry and doesn't know a thing about what I'm going through.

"How long has it been?" I ask Fisher.

"34 years and my grandparents never stop hoping", he says. "My grandfather got sick because of what happened though, he's had three heart attacks and we're always afraid he's not going to make it if he gets another one. He always talks about how he would love to see his baby daughter just one time before he dies. We all know that's not gonna happen and it makes my dad feel even worse like he is killing his own father or something".

"He can't blame himself, he was only eight years old, a child, it's like I would blame myself for getting motor failure and not being able to pick up Cassie in time", I say. "Some things we just can't control".

"So you're saying you don't blame yourself at all?" Fisher asks.

I can't say yes to that. I know I blame myself. I try not to. I try telling myself that I couldn't have don't anything to prevent what happened because I had to wait for someone to pick up my car. I couldn't be there to help my sister. When she needed me the most. I couldn't. I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't.

Fuck it's all my fault.

I wipe the tears flowing down while trying to swallow down the big lump in my throat that is now choking me almost to death.

"I wish I didn't", I say in a choked, tear-drained voice. "I really wish I didn't. But I do, I do".

"Oh Odette", Tabitha says and wraps her arms around me.

"I was supposed to pick her up from school, I was on my way but I got motor failure", I cry. "I haven't been able to drive a car since I can't bring myself to drive a car, and today was the first time I've talked about Cassie for a year".

"You can't stop living Odette", Fisher says. "Life goes on, that's something I've learned from my family history, life goes on, painfully so but it does, there's no way to stop it".

And I of course know that what Fisher says is true. Life does go on but it's not fun. I haven't felt alive since Cassie went missing.

"I know, but knowing that I was the one who was supposed to pick her up just sticks with me, it won't leave my brain", I say. "It wakes me up at night, voices screaming it's my fault that's she's dead, that it's my fault she never got to turn thirteen, that she won't get a future, my fault".

"No your car broke down", Tabitha says, rubbing my back. "As you said, some things we just can't control, things happen, that's out of our hands".

"I know, but I know that my mom blames me, or at least I think she does, she became depressed after Cassie and just recently got out of it, she doesn't look at me the same way she used to", I say.

"My dad thinks that too, ‘till this day, but my grandparents don't blame him, he can't get that through his head though", Fisher says. "Don't be like him, don’t be forty-two years old and still blame yourself for what happened, you'll be alive but you won't really be living".

"It's just hard", I say. "It feels like life is a horrible nightmare and I just want to wake up".

"Someday you will, and you'll be happy again", Tabitha says.

I wish I could believe that. I really wish I could, but I can't. I just can't see a future where I'm happy again, it’s too hard.