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1945 Words
I smiled to quickly hide my embarrassment. Masyado akong na-starstruck. I stepped aside to let him in. He walked inside my apartment but he wasn't looking around the place. He was just staring at me.
"I didn't know that you live here," he said. "Sheena showed me details but she didn't said it was you who's looking for a roommate," he said.
Tahimik kong minumura si Sheena sa isipan ko. Is she playing cupid again? But somehow I'm thankful because it's Keith, and we did became good friends for a while until I cut myself out of their world.
Si Keith ang kapatid ni Krystal, ang asawa ni Gino. Bago ang kasal nila, Keith was the one who always distract me from the pain. Until he confessed that he likes me. All I can remember was I rejected him because I don't want to love him out of convenience just like what happened between Gino and I.
"Bakit ka pala naghahanap ng apartment sa Makati, Keith?" I asked him. Sa pagkakatanda ko ay chef siya sa hotel and resort nila sa Pagudpod, Ilocos Norte. Why did he suddenly wanted to live here in the city?
He smiled and removed his jacket. Isinabit niya 'yon sa braso niya. I motioned him to sit on the couch as I sat opposite of him.
"Actually, may itinatayo kaming branch ng restaurant dito sa Makati. They asked me to run it, kaya ako nandito. Kakatapos lang nila ayusin 'yong lugar kaya ngayon lang ako nakapunta dito sa Makati."
Wow!" I exclaimed. "Bakit hindi ka na lang humanap ng bago at solong apartment mo? Looks like magtatagal ka dito sa Makati."
Pain swiftly crossed his eyes. I saw that. It was replaced by a soft chuckle. "Bakit, ayaw mo ba akong maging roommate?"
"What? No! I just thought that it'll be better for you to own a new one, right?"
Natawa siya. "Ilokano ako, Ms. De Leon. Natural na sa akin ang pagiging kuripot. Kahit na sinabi na sa akin nina Mamang na kumuha ng sarili kong apartment naghanap pa rin ako ng mura. Ayon, sakto naman na nagkausap kami ni Sheena kaninang umaga at sinabi niya nga na may alam daw siyang apartment. The rest is history."
"Oh, how rude of me. Gusto mo ba ng maiinom? Coffee, juice, or water?" I stood up, making myself ready to go to the kitchen to fetch him something.
Napatayo rin siya. "Would it be rude if I try to prepare something for the two of us?"
Pareho kaming natigilan sa suggestion niya. Pagkatapos ay natawa ako. "What? That's weird but I guess it's fine. Besides, ikaw ang chef sa ating dalawa."
He left his jacket on the couch and he followed me to the kitchen. Maliit na espasyo lang naman 'yon na may counter at kitchen appliances. Dumiretso siya sa ref at sinipat ang laman no'n. Buti na lang at namalengke ako kanina.
"Alam mo kung bakit maganda ako maging roommate?"
I crossed my arms and watched him do his stuff. Sumandal ako sa poste sa may kusina. "Sige nga, sabihin mo sa akin kung bakit."
He took an onion from the vegetable basket and looked back at me. "Una sa lahat, guwapo ako. Ayaw mo ba na magkaroon ng guwapong roommate?"
I softly laughed. Pero totoo naman, guwapo siya. At komportable ako sa kanya.
"Okay? "
"'Yon lang? Hindi ka man lang u-oo?"
I jokingly rolled my eyes. "Opo, pogi ka na po. Happy?"
He signed with his hands. "Konti." He then took out a piece of carrot. "Next, hindi ako gago. Alam mo 'yan."
I nodded. He then took out the chicken from the chiller. Hinawakan niya 'yon sa magkabilang hita at pinasayaw na parang manika. Nakakunot-noo ako habang natatawa sa kalokohan niya. "Pangatlo, you'll never have a dull moment with me. Masaya kaya akong kasama."
He started chopping the ingredients and turned on the stove. Hawak ang sandok ay lumingon siya ulit sa akin. "Next, kung ako ang magiging roommate mo, hindi ka na mamomroblema sa pagluluto dahil araw-araw kitang ipagluluto."
Lumuwang ang pagkakangiti ko. Hindi ko na mapigilan. Aaminin ko, medyo kinikilig ako sa mga pinagsasasabi ni Keith. Sino ba namang hindi? Kung may gan'to kaguwapo na lalaki sa harap mo, hindi ba't paniguradong mangangarap ka rin nang gising?
"And last but not the least, I'll definitely won't do anything without your consent." He paused. "So, kumusta ang evaluation?"
I chuckled. "Hindi ba dapat ikaw ang nage-evaluate ng apartment ko?"
He shrugged. "Maybe later. Maupo ka na."
Naupo ako sa isa sa mga upuan na naroroon at pinanood siya sa pagluluto. I remember the times that we spend together. Madalas niya kasi akong hatakin dati kapag magluluto siya tapos magkukuwentuhan lang kami. Tungkol sa kung anu-ano.
To be honest, I'm really having doubts about him right now. Dahil kay Gino. Sa bayaw niya. I don't think I can face him right now. Not until I've completely forgotten the pain he has caused. And besides, what if he's already seeing someone right now? Hindi ba magiging masyadong awkward 'yon para sa aming dalawa?
At bakit naman 'yon ang nasa isip mo, Maria Sonja?
Nagbalik ako sa huwisyo nang ilapag ni Keith sa harapan ko ang isang bowl na may lamang ulam.
"Creamy chicken with carrots ala Keith Figueroa," he proudly said. Naglandas ang mga mata niya papunta sa mukha ko mula sa niluto niya. "Alam mo, habit mo ba talaga na mag-space out? I've been asking you where the plates are but you're not talking. You okay?"
"Ah, yeah, I'm... I'm okay. Wait, I'll get the plates." Tumayo ako at nagtungo sa isang cabinet na puno ng mga plato na itinatabi ko para sa mga okasyon. Naglabas ako ng dalawa no'n at kumuha ng mga kubyertos. Keith stood up and fetched a pitcher of cold water from the fridge as I arranged the table. He sat on his seat, and watched me do my business.
"To be honest, I'm starting to feel comfortable here," sabi niya.
Natawa ako. "Halata nga."
He shrugged. "Well, una sa lahat, kung may roommate naman ako na gan'yan kaganda, I don't mind cooking everyday for her."
Inirapan ko siya at naupo sa kabilang upuan, paharap sa kanya. "Bolero. Kailan ka pa natutong mambola, Keith?"
Kinindatan niya ako. "I'm all natural, babe."
Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mapangiti. He then took the plate full of rice and started serving me. Hinintay ko na matapos siya sa paglalagay ng pagkain sa plato niya bago ako magsalita.
"Uhm, Keith, there's just some... problems."
"What is it?"
I sighed. "Actually, I was expecting to have a girl roommate, not a male one."
He must've get the idea I'm trying to point out. He laughed. "Don't worry, hindi ako manyak. If you want, I can be a girl for you."
"Next, well, you might be seeing someone else and this set up might complicate your relation–"
"I'm single as hell, Maja. Well not if you want me to be yours." He winked at me.
Namumula ang mga pisngi na inilayo ko ang tingin ko mula sa kanya. "And, uhm, it's about your brother-in-law and—"
"Gino's overseas. I can assure you that." His tone sounded gloomy. Natahimik kami pareho. I can feel his stares at me. He cleared his throat. "Don't you notice something about me, Maja?"
Napalunok ako. "What should I notice about you, Keith?"
He looked away. "It's been four months since that night and I haven't broke my promise."
"What—"
"That I will wait for you."
Hindi ako nakaimik. Ibig niya bang sabihin na mahal niya pa rin ako? That's ridiculous. Apat na buwan kaming hindi nagkausap, 'ni 'ha', 'ni 'ho', wala. Kunsabagay, apat na buwan na rin naman na ang nakalipas pero hindi pa rin ako nakaka-move-on mula kay Gino.
O, f**k. I remembered Gino. And the pain he caused to me. I forgot I haven't moved on yet. And the pain and loneliness still lingers inside. Just freaking eating me away and whatever reason to be happy that I have.
Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I tried to stop myself from crying. I don't want to look weak in front of him. Pinahid ko ng mga palad ko ang luhang pilit na kumakawala mula sa mga mata ko. I shouldn't cry. Not right now.
"O, god. I can't do this, really. I can't pretend I'm alright anymore."
He jumped out of his seat and walked towards me. He gently took me into his arms, swaying me like a baby. "Iiyak mo lang 'yan, Maja. I'm here."
"I... I don't know, Keith. I feel so empty and it's frustrating. I don't know what to do. I feel so empty and I'm scared to grow old alone. But how can I... How can I get rid of these feelings? How do I move-on, Keith?"
He didn't answer. I continued to cry in his arms for God knows how long. Then he carried me. Kagaya no'ng buhat na pangkasal. Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. His heart is beating fast. He sat on one of the couches in my living room and kept on caressing my hair.
I don't understand myself for being too comfortable with this man right now. Maybe because we have already shared moments together. There's just something about him that is soothing and calming. I don't want to get too comfortable but I can't stop myself.
"I don't know how to answer that, Maja." He sighed. "I can't even move-on from you. Kung tutuusin, baka nga hindi mo talaga ako mahalin pabalik. But I keep on dreaming that maybe someday you will. Just my wishful thinking, no?"
He softly laughed. And tried to rock me in his arms. Gentle and calming. "I don't want to force my way to you. Hindi ako gano'n. Pero gusto ko na malaman mo na nandito ako hindi lang bilang lalaki na nagmamahal sa'yo kung hindi isa ring kaibigan na handang makinig sa'yo. If that is the way to your heart, then I'll take one step at a time."
"I... I don't want to promise you anything... Baka hindi ko magawa."
"I'm not asking you to promise me you'll love me someday. I'm asking you to open up your heart again and trust the process. Ayokong pilitin ka na mahalin ako. Gusto ko lang na buksan mo ang puso mo. Kung hindi ako ang mamahalin mo, ayos lang. Ang mahalaga, maturuan kita na hindi ikulong ang sarili mo sa mundo na puno ng sakit, ng lungkot, ng takot. Tuturuan kitang magmahal ulit, kahit pa hindi mo ibalik itong nararamdaman ko."
He gently rocked me in his arms as if trying to make me sleep. I heard him singing a Sugarfree classic Tulog Na and the softness of his voice made my worries slip away. Maybe he's right that all I have to do is to open up my heart again and let him do whatever he can. Who knows where it might lead us. If I open up my heart a little more to him, then maybe I'll find the happiness we both were seeking for.
"Tulog na mahal ko
Hayaan na muna natin ang mundong ito
Lika na, tulog na tayo
Tulog na mahal ko
Wag kang lumuha, malambot ang iyong kama
Saka na mamroblema"
Ang huli kong naramdaman ay ang pagbuhat niya sa akin at ang paglapat ng likod ko sa malambot na kutson ng kama ko. He planted a kiss on my forehead and whispered in my ear.
"Tulog ka na, mahal ko. Nandito lang ako, nagbabantay sa'yo."
- Writer
