My Italian Heart

Chapter Fourteen

It wasn’t until we were both laid intermingled and David cleared his throat that I knew something wasn’t right. I felt the incoming doom speeding at me like a freight train, but hoped I was just being paranoid. After all, he cleared his throat regularly enough, it was hardly any kind of sign.

I was laid on his chest and his arm was looped underneath me. It had been holding me quite firmly into him, but his hold seemed to lessen. My heart seemed to sink further. “I need to talk to you.” Yep, there it was, the words I had been dreading.

I sat up slowly, trying my best to seem nonchalant in my movements. Grabbing my bra from its place on the floor. “I’m just going to grab a glass of water first, do you want one?” I kept getting my underwear on as I spoke. Grabbing David’s shirt from the floor as I headed from the room.

“Yeah. Sure. Thanks.” He said it after me as I disappeared from view and he seemed confused by my departure. I just needed a second to get my head straight. I needed to be my usual hardy self, not the soft-lovey-dovey teenager I had become. The new version of me would be broken from what was about to pass between us.

I had to open a couple of cupboards before I finally laid eyes on the simple glass tumblers. I let the tap run for a little while to get cold and to buy myself more time. Filling the glasses a little too messily. I placed them on the side and slopped water onto the counter. Taking a second to button up a few of the buttons of David’s crisp shirt. If I had to have the conversation that was coming, I definitely didn’t want to feel naked while doing it.

I dropped down on the bottom of the bed, purposely keeping some distance between us. Being just close enough to pass him the glass of water. He didn’t even attempt to drink it, just placed it straight on the table beside the bed. I instead used the glass as a shield against having to reply to his words when he finally spoke them. Knowing it would give me a small moment to adjust before I made a fool of myself.

“I need you to know some things. To understand.” I nodded slightly, being careful not to spill anymore water. “I won’t get divorced. Cora… well, she’s in a bad place. I don’t want to severe the ties between us.” The words hurt, but it wasn’t a surprise to me. He had alluded to as much before. “It isn’t what you think. I need her to feel like she can come to me and if I divorce her, I am worried she won’t feel that she can.”

I pulled the glass from my lips for the first time. “It’s fine. I understand.” I did. Emily had told me enough about her mother and the new man she was mixed up with for me to understand why he was doing it. David was the kind of man that wanted to take care of everyone he loved. Even if he wasn’t in love with Cora any longer, which I didn’t really know one way or the other, he would still love her. They had been together too long for him not to.

“I also had a vasectomy six years ago.” He looked up at me for a moment before continuing. I had to admit that I had no idea where the conversation was going. “After we had Emily, we wanted another child. We tried desperately for so long.” He looked so sad having to go over it, but I just felt surges of anger at being forced to think of him and his wife sleeping together.

“David, what is it you are actually trying to say?” He looked up again and looked quite taken aback by my bluntness. I felt bad, but I wasn’t in the mood for a trip down memory lane with him and his wife.

“When she approached the change - it came early for her - she kept missing her period and it was heart-breaking. She would be so sure it had happened, only to be disappointed once again. I got the vasectomy to take away the uncertainty. The point is, I got it and it’s done. You still have your whole life ahead of you. I won’t let you tie yourself to me when there is no future for you.”

“Right.”

“Aurora, you have dreams of getting married and having children. I know you do. I can’t give you either.” It was almost like he had managed to read my pre-s*x thoughts of having us married off. As though my own brain had betrayed me.

“It’s fine. You’re not telling me anything I didn’t already know. I assumed that kids were probably not something you were looking for. You have a grown child and a grandchild. It’s hardly surprising. I also knew you were married. I don’t care about any of that. It’s you I want, not all the rest of it.” It was stupid, but I desperately wanted him to stop, to change his mind. I wanted him to believe what I said, even if I knew I didn’t mean it. It was hard to live in a family like mine without aspiring to be married with a large family.

He locked eyes with me for the first time and held the connection. “I won’t do it to you. It doesn’t matter what you say, I know you don’t mean it. You can’t throw away your future for me and I won’t let you.” He had more front than Blackpool seafront, I didn't really know what the saying meant, but I had heard Emily say it many times. How dare he presume to know what I wanted or have the audacity to tell me how things would be. It would be one thing if he had said it wasn’t what he wanted, but he didn’t. There wasn’t even a hint that his lack of desire for us to be together was part of his thinking.

I tried to keep myself calm. Not wanting to be one of those women that flew off the handle at the slightest thing. Not that it was only a slight thing. I could feel the rage rising like bile in my stomach. Taking deep breath after deep breath and making my anger evident in the process. “Aurora, please you have to understand.”

“Understand what exactly? That you are a pig? That you didn’t think to raise this point before f*****g me?”

“It wasn’t like that. I didn’t plan this. Just seeing you lying there, seeing the youth emulating from you like a shining light, it was too much to ignore.”

“I haven’t grown younger.”

“I know that. I’m sorry.” He was getting more stressed by the second and it became clear he thought I was going to take it as him making some sort of sacrifice for my happiness. My heart ached. I couldn’t decide if it was pained for him or for me. Either way, it felt so violent that it made me want to clutch my chest. I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to loose anymore of what was left of my dignity.

Standing slowly, I placed the glass on the dresser, swapping it for my bag. I had my back to him and I paused for a second. Trying to be sure in my mind that I was doing the right thing. I clutched the bag to my chest and thought about how it gave new relevance to the name clutch bag.

“Aurora?” Just hearing him say my name again pushed me over the edge into certainty. Slipping from the room, he called after me. I heard his bare feet hit the floor. Crossing quickly to the frontdoor, and letting myself out. The cold air hit me as harshly as the relief did. Even if he had continued to come after me, he wouldn’t have been able to cross the threshold. He was still naked.

I, on the other hand, only had the lightest cotton protecting me from the midnight chill. The concrete slabs were like blocks of ice against my bare feet. The rest of my things were easy to sacrifice if it meant I got out of there without some sort of emotional interaction. He had said his piece and nothing I said would change that. All I could do was accept it and it would be easier if we didn’t hash it out. If I didn’t make more of a fool of myself.

I only took a second to bask in the relief before dashing to my car. Feeling infinitely safer as I pulled the door shut behind me and locked the doors. It wasn’t like I could avoid seeing him, that was a fate I would be forced to face. There was little other option.

I turned the car over, being slightly dismayed as I saw the door open and light flood into the night sky. I had been so sure he wouldn’t risk coming after me, but there he was in just his boxers making his way out of the safety of his flat. His face contorted with regret, but not because he had changed his mind, only my reaction to his words.

I cracked the gearstick into reverse, turned my head from him and pressed my foot down on the accelerator way too heavily. By some miracle, I missed a nearby car that was parked on the street. Pounding at the gear box again and begging it to get me the hell out of there. I couldn’t even spare him a last glance as I sped away, but he had gotten close enough for me to see him in my peripheral vision.

I had been trying to get out of there without looking like a fool and instead I looked beyond foolish. I looked pathetic.