Hidden Identity

? Heart to Heart talk

"Stop proving yourself to everyone else. Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can't please everyone. There is no need to put on a mask. There is no need to pretend to be someone you are not. Ignore the comparisons and expectations knocking at your door. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Don't change so people will like you, be patient, keep being your amazing self, and pretty soon the right people will love the real you. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others validation on you can give to yourself. Don't lose yourself in your search for acceptance by others. You are good enough, smart enough, fine enough, good-looking enough and strong enough. You don't need other people to authenticate you, you are already valuable."

"Why is that? "I'm only asking for a clear mind and a happy heart, Nero."

After Nero gave me back the memories he had erased from me before. I felt so much grief and pain again.

"Lips, Sometimes, your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. Your flaws are beautiful, and there is someone out there who will accept them. Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain. We are all living in this messed up world and trying to evade the complications life brings. In doing so, we start to create addictions. Things that distract us from whatever is eating away at us deep inside. Whether it be drowning our sorrows in a bottle of vodka, getting so high we forget our name, or bleeding just to feel alive, each one of us does something that helps make living a little easier."

I tried to be calm, I felt as if my chest was tightening with a mixture of resentment and anger. I knew every reaction of my face was read by Nero. I also notice in his words that it is light, but everything he says has a deep meaning, so that maybe, I can fully understand what he wants to say to me.

"But the sad thing is, is when we start to judge someone because of their choice of escape. Just because someone decides to smoke a blunt and someone else decides to self harm, doesn't mean they're any different. Both people are trying to make the pain go away, they just have different ways of coping. So when you look at someone who is covered in scars, why do you think it's okay to judge? When you look at someone who is inhaling their bit of happiness, why do you think it's okay to judge? We need to start being more understanding and empathetic towards people and listen to what they have to say. Because if people would take the time to listen to what's going on in someone's head, they would understand that we are all the same. We all have problems but through our hardest times, we realize how strong we truly are. And eventually those addictions will start to become a habit and eventually those habits will become once-in-awhiles. And maybe one day those addictions will just diminish. But it's okay if they don't."

My heart ached at what Nero had said. He is good at giving advice and there is truth in every word he utters, I am so affected that I can no longer control my emotions.

"Because having an addiction, whether it be drugs, self harm, starving yourself, or anything along those lines; it doesn't make you any less of a person. You are beautiful the way you are, flaws and all. And one day you will learn to find better escapes that will be beneficial to you and not self destructive. But until then, stay strong. You can beat this. You deserve all the happiness in the world and don't ever let anyone make you think less of yourself. We all have our own demons. We're just too scared to let them out in fear of what others will think. But there is someone out there who will fully understand you and accept you for who you are. There is someone who will embrace your darkness and bring light into your life you've never dreamt of having. One day you will realize all the pain you've ever felt, all these things you've done to escape that pain and feel alive, were a blessing in disguise once you reach that point in your life where you are truly happy. And I promise Lips, you will get there. Just take it one day at a time and remember you are worth more than you think."

I looked up to hold back my tears, I was getting emotional again, I was like this when our topic was my past. Apart from Nose .. Nero is one of the people I trusted with my secret in life. He has been my mentor for my change. He taught me a lot that strengthened and encouraged me to continue my life, I am very grateful to him, he never left me alone .. he is always there when I am weak and giving up on the battle of my life.

"All my life I've been trying to prove myself to everyone. but I just can't. I can never be the child who knows and does things so well. I can't be the perfect girlfriend. I can never be the best bestfriend. and for some reasons, I was never enough for everyone. I just can't be the person they want me to be. because hey, this is me. I am so good at f*****g things up. I am so good at messing my life and the life of the people around me. everything I do is wrong. I am a living mistake. that even crying is my fault, like I have no right to feel sad and stressed and depressed, because everything's my fault. so I just pretend that everything's fine and l'm okay but actually l am breaking into pieces and no one notices. so sometimes I think of dying. the idea of feeling all the pain at the same time, then boom, it's gone. people might think that was my end but for me, it is the beginning."

Nero reached for a box of tissue then took a few pieces of it and wiped the tears that flowed from my face. I didn't even notice that I was crying. I was more overwhelmed by the pain and sadness I felt.

"Thats the sad thing.. more than once in your life, it's somehow going to be about that kind of love. Wholly giving yourself to another person because you trust them with more than just your life, that if by some chance you'll see them cradling a humungous part of your soul, you'll smile in response and stick to an immediate.. "you take care of that for me, alright?" It's going to be about expectations and hope for loyalty, wishing that they'll stand by you no matter what happens, given any circumstance. It's going to be about blissful Sunday mornings waking up with toothy grins, legs entangled between sheets and a call for another hour of just holding each other to satisfaction. It's going to be about that goddamned promise. Forever. Unending. Always. To infinity and f*****g beyond. It's going to be about that kind of love that you will never be able to replace, but it's also the type you will never be able to remove. More than once in your life, that kind of passionate romance and seemingly perfect relationship is bound to end at least a couple of times, so it's only fair to pocket a bit of love for yourself, to cherish the grander parts of you and keep them safe for now, until it's the proper "once" that would actually mean something. The "once" that would be about everything, and not everything be of it. not all romances are entitled to happily ever afters. and that's the sad thing"

Even with tears in my eyes, I smiled and turned my gaze to Nero. he reached for my head then messed up my hair. I immediately tapped his hand away from my hair and I looked at him annoyed, he just laughed out loud. Sometimes I hate him for treating me like a small girl and not a grown woman.

"You deserve to be treated like a choice not an option, Lips. You deserve to have happiness like everyone else, to receive love the way you are capable of giving love. To smile as if sadness never existed, to laugh until your stomach hurts, until the butterflies around it gets crazier. You deserve someone who will hold your hands, regardless if it's dirty or sweaty. Someone who values your time, the time you two will spend together and the time that you've waited just to be ready, ready to trust again after you got your heart broken, ready to love again after all the pain, and ready to give yourself to someone who had waited patiently to deserve a person like you. You deserve someone who knows the little things about your life, how you cried when your first pet died, how you like your coffee if ever you're a fan of it. For a person to remember the big details of your life is what makes him a good lover but for him to remember the little trinkets of your life is what makes him a keeper. Few people will notice that you changed your hairstyle, that you changed your perfume. Few people will remember the difference when you're drunk and when you're sober. Few will know your exact birthday even if it's not posted on your social media accounts. Few people will know what you look when you're troubled, when you're mad and when exactly you need a hug. Be with the person who belong to that few. Don't lower your standards just so you can fit to the standards of the person you love. You don't need to sacrifice things for the person you love because if they really love you, they won't ask you to, don't ever settle for less than what you deserve."

That's Nero's most heartwarming advice to me that I like the most.

"One thing that scares me the most is to outgrow some of my friends, Nero. Those were the people who were a part of me and never, ever thought of losing them. I just want them to be with me along with this journey. However, I realized that having them is not healthy for my well-being. They're not mad but everything of them has changed. Loyalty isn't there anymore and honesty, they'll be waiting for it to use them against me, to destroy me. It pains me to let go of them but it'll be worse if I keep them. This is how you outgrow friends, let go or see yourself low."

I felt the faint pat on my shoulder. When I looked back at Nero, he winked and pinched my cheek. This is him teasing me again.

"You know what's hard about falling inlove, Nero? Its when someone raises you so high that you feel like flying and when everything is over, he'll let go of you and leaves you falling apart, breaking into pieces. Of course it'll hurt you and what's more sad about it is that he'll just stare at you without even helping you recover from the pain he'd caused. Its hard to fall inlove, because people pretend to love you forever but forever only lasts for seconds. They'll treat you special and make you feel different, bought you flowers, send sweet messages, gives you sweet endearments, takes you to nice places, gives you gifts but when they already get what they want, they'll stop doing things they used to do and starts to get cold. You'll just wake up one morning with a broken heart when they tell you they want to stop and move one. That f*****g hurts isn't it? Love is a beautiful thing but could turn to a f*****g disaster. love is beautiful, love is disaster"

Nero laughed even louder at what I've said. I turned my back on him and walked out of his house. I knew he would tease me again, so I'd better just leave than ruin my day even more.

"Hey! Lips!"

I stopped walking and looked back at Nero. My eyebrows rose when I saw his serious face.

"Choose a guy who loves your failures and mistakes as much as he loves your rights and achievements. Choose a guy who knows how to love you equally. Settle down with a guy who brings out the best in you. A guy who's brave and proud enough to shout your name on top of the world just so people may know he loves you. Choose someone because you know you can be happy with him. Choose him because you know he can protect you against the world. Choose a guy who sees you perfectly and sees that you're something no one else could compare. Be with a guy who makes you laugh and at the same time make you shed some tears. Be with a guy who knows how to handle your sudden mood swings. Choose a guy who knows how to get mad at you when you don't follow any of his instructions because he knows its for your own good and it is what's best for you. Choose him because you know he loves you as much as you love yourself. Choose him because you know he's the one. The one made by God especially for you."

That's all Nero said, but it had a big impact on me. The contentment and joy I was feeling returned. I smiled broadly then I run to him and hugged him tightly.

"Thank you Nero, thank you very much."

"When you think that GOD never provided you with what you need, touch your pulse. That's a big proof that GOD gives you more than anything."

I felt him kissing my head, his sweetness melted my heart always.. and because of this man, my life became meaningful.

"Learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had."

"I will, Captain Nero!"

"I'm just here for you, I promise."

"Me too, always here .. for my black assassins family .. I love you all."

"Live freely and happily, Lips. Good luck!"

This is the life I want ... to be free and happy, with my assassins family.

"Thank you! Nero. Thanks to you..."

?MahikaNiAyana