Hidden Identity

? Final Chapter

Sometimes we also have to keep distance from our friends. Especially those who seem to forgot that we actually exist in their lives. Those who have been very busy encountering others and setting you aside as a plain acquaintance and don’t care if you can still feel their presence as your friends. They seem to be better off without you. No how are yous. No “hey there, wazzup?” like what the both of you used to do. They are enjoying the attention that they take from new found friends that they actually forgot that there’s someone who had been beside them all along. Just a little distance. As little as letting them realize that you’re like saying “Hello! Still remember me? I’m still here y'know. Your friend.” It’s not that you’re catching attention. It’s not about being too dramatic. It’s just that, it’s really painful to see someone so close to your heart who seems to unnoticed you because there are new people around them. Sometimes, you just have to make them feel that they have someone like you in their lives in a way that you’re not forcing them to notice you. Just a little distance for them to know that somewhere in the past, you have founded an unbreakable friendship.

As I look at my friends from afar, I felt resentment for them, because one of them did not even remember me, no one sympathized with the times I was depressed by the events of my life. But I also thought that maybe such a situation would have been better for me, because I found a family who support and guide me. For me that was enough to accept everything and move on with my life now. I smiled then turned around and walked towards Dark's house. I need to talk to him about our relationship to make it clear so that we can have a closure.

As I entered the gate of Dark's house, I caught a glimpse of him sitting in the garden and facing his laptop.

"Hey! Dark, can we talk?"

I saw the shock on his face, he even stood up to greet me. but I raised my hand and waved.

"It's okay! I'm fine."

I smiled as I approached him and sat in the chair in front of him then.

"Red! what are you doing here? do you remember me now? do you remember about us? How? When?"

He immediately asked, I noticed nervousness in his voice. he was so confused, that I laughed softly.

“Relax! I didn’t come back to tell you I can’t live without you. I can live without you. I just don’t want to. It only hurts when you start to care. I never even thought you’d be the one to treat me this way. I actually believed you cared for me and that you wanted to be with me. But now I’ve come to realize how wrong I was about you. So, I’m not going to stress over you anymore. It isn’t worth it. I tried to work something out, but you just ignored it. I’m not trying to say I don’t want you, because I definitely do. All I’m saying is I’m done chasing after you. I hate checking my phone and seeing that you didn’t text me first. I hate feeling clingy and annoying when I finally decide to text you first. I hate waiting around for your reply. I hate how I actually look forward to your reply. I hate pretending to not care by putting my phone on silent, but then craving in and checking 5 minutes later. I hate feeling like I need you more than you need me. That's why I left. I stayed away from you to end my suffering. "

"I didn't know that I was hurting you because of my shortcomings with you before. I'm sorry Red, I didn't intend to ignore you. I thought you knew and you understood that everything I do is for the two of us, for our future?"

"Dark, You can't just walk in and out in my life as if Im just a house that you can live in and leave out. Im not a book that you can leave in a corner and get it again if you wanted to. Im a person with feelings. I don't deserve to be treated like a s**t and be a trash after you used. This is reality Im talking about. I know my worth, and this time I have my self respect and I know my right place."

Dark's eyes watered, tears streaming down the corners of his eyes. he immediately wiped the tears from his face and then looked down and spoke.

"Every time, I would imagine how it would feel like to see you again standing there right in front of me; just to see your face again, or smell even the slightest hint of your scent, or even touch the delicate and fluffy strands of your hair. What would I do? How would I feel? What will I say? And if ever you talk to me again, will I tell you I was mad at you for leaving me? Or would I tell you that I still made the decision of waiting on you after all this time? I had stayed, waiting for an answer, looking for reasons for your leaving. And here you are, now. Just at my slightest reach. And still I cannot hold. I cannot un-love. but I wanted you badly to come back."

He took a deep breath then lifted his face and looked straight into my eyes. I could read the pain and agony of his feelings, but I didn’t feel any love for him anymore, what I'm right now is.. I feel sorry for him, that's all.

"You know what I regret in my life? It's wasting my time and putting my best effort to show you how much I love you and yet you choose to leave me and left me hanging. But the sad thing is how can I delete the memory where I met you when I consider it as the happiest part of my life. I hate that I’m still hoping. Hoping you’ll love me back. Hoping everything will change between you and me. Hoping that there will be an us. I hate it. But why do I keep on hoping? I hate it that I still love you? Yes, I kept on loving you. For a long time. I wish I could forget you"

I reached for Dark's hand, which was on the table and then squeezed it. I felt the tightness of his grip on my hand.

"Sorry Dark, a lot has changed for me since I entered the rehabilitation center. I have realized a lot in life .. I have come to understand my importance .. the mistakes and sins I have made .. my shortcomings in our relationship... Dark, thank you for the love, for the memories, for the lessons. I will always cherish the good times we had. I refuse to dwell on the bad. I have no harsh feelings; you hurt me, yes, but in turn I learned how to heal myself. you are forgiven, though I do not want to make amends. I have found peace. I am a better me because of what you put me through, and I am a better me for someone else."

"Will you leave me forever, Red? Don't you love me anymore?"

I smiled at him and reached for his cheek to caress. he immediately took my hand and kissed it tenderly.

"It would be better for the two of us to just be friends Dark. Thank you so much for loving and taking care of me .. I wish you could meet a woman who doesn't have many bad habits, those who don't smoke, drink and most of all those who are not d**g addicts like me."

He slightly laughed at what I said. so I laughed too. my gaze followed him as he suddenly stood up and approached me, he hugged me and stroked my long tied hair. This is what I like about Dark's tenderness. I patted his back to his surprise and released me immediately.

"Your bad! you always hurting me. you've been a sadist from then until now. "

His sharp eyes were red as he looked at me, while I laughed out loud at his look as if he was going to cry again.

'I love this man... I really love to bully him! Hmm..

Isn’t it automatic that when you let someone love you, you are also letting that someone hurt you. When you let him read every untouched pages of your story, you are also giving him the power to tear them into pieces. When you gave him the key to where your secrets are, you are also giving him the power to take them all out in the world. It is like he was holding the hem of the shirt you are wearing and he only had to yank them off and the world will see your bare body but then you trust him enough that he won’t do it. When you let him send you to the highest stars, you are also letting him drown you to the bottom of the ocean. When you let him give you all the sweetness that this life could offer, you should also know that he could give you the bitterness of it. If he sent spring throughout your entire year, making every part of you bloom with delight, he could also make it snow every month, making your whole body dull and cold without his touch. When he could fill your heart with too much love, he could also fill it with too much sadness effortlessly. But then you are trusting that someone enough that they won’t do anything to give you pain. That is love.. giving someone the power to destroy you yet holding on to the hope that they wouldn’t.

"Red! Hey! are you listening to me? "

I blinked my eyes when I heard Dark Constantine's voice.

Yeah! I already forgive him. Everything that happened in my past I already accepted it and I feel free. I'm happy now, no grudge, no regret, no secrets to hide.

"Yeah! Go on.. I'm listening."

I kept smiling at the irritation I could see on his face. I even saw him shake his head before he spoke again.

"Before you leave, please let me hug you for the very last time. Let me feel your presence because I will miss this feeling, the shudders and goosebumps whenever you’re next to me and I only feel those two, whenever I’m with you. Let me hear your heart beats next to mine as if it’s the last time that our hearts can be in its closest distance. Let me look at your beautiful eyes. Because looking through those beautiful creations makes me see how wonderful the world is but now, I think it will take a long time before I’ll see them again. Let me express my gratitude because I met someone like you who showed me what life really means and how to live it to the fullest. Let me feel every inch of you because I will miss you terribly. I do.. I know, this won’t be the end of the journey, but I’m afraid that I will never see you again after this moment. And if we meet again, I am scared to see you with someone else. Please, do not forget about me, about us. Even if I didn’t want to, I should let you go because it’s for the betterment. So for the last time, let me hear you say.. I love you”

I pinched his sharp nose then I said .. "I love you Dark Constantine. you will remain in my heart and mind. remember that always."

I winked at him before kissing him on the cheek and hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much Red Gomez.. always be careful, then, when you need me, I'm only one call away, I'll be there to save the day, Superman got nothing on me, l'm only one call away.. "

"You're crazy! That's a song!" I slapped his arm.

"So what? That's my favorite song for you."

"Yeah! I remember you always singing that to me, especially when I'm in a bad mood."

Dark smiled and fixed my messy hair.

"Maybe one day we'll still be together."

"Yeah! No one knows what will happen in our future.. maybe we are destined for each other."

I saw Dark's eyes gleam because of what I said.

"Good luck Red! Thanks for everything."

"Good luck to you too, Dark! And thank you too.. Bff forever?"

His forehead furrowed. "What Bff forever? What does that mean?"

I patted his forehead. "Duh! Best friends forever! Stupid!"

"Hahaha .. I thought Boyfriend forever.. haiz!"

"You wish.. haha."

Dark's face suddenly became serious.

"Seriously, You don’t owe anyone an explanation for being who you are or for how you’re living your life or for doing the things you do, given that’s it’s safe and doesn’t negatively affect anyone else. if it makes you happy, that’s the only justification you need.. Goodbye Red, live happily and freely, see you soon."

Dark nodded and walked into his house. but before he could finally get inside I called his name. he turned to me with a smile.

"The world needs more people with hearts like yours.. Goodbye Dark, see you soon, Bff."

He gave me a thumbs up .. I waved at him and walked out of the gate. Now that Dark and I are all well, I feel peaceful. I can’t explain the happiness I felt. This is how it is when you let go of all your resentment and fear in life. The peace of mind and heart that you have been hurt by the mistakes you have made in the past is unforgivable. But, at least now I'm free from the dark world I've been in for a few years. It's time to go home now..

I suddenly remembered Nose. I picked up the cellphone then opened the messenger. I read over and over again our exchange of messages.

'But how come you make me out to be something that everyone can love? I wish I loved like you.'

Then suddenly my cellphone rang. l smirked as I see Nose's name.

"Hey! b***h, miss you! how are you? Fuckingshit! I'm still alive!.. ten hours I haven't been able to see you."

"I'm busy, so I rarely check my cellphone, Miss you too! Always be careful, don't be stupid!"

"Your so mean, once a b***h always a b***h tsk. Where are you now? Go home! we have a new mission."

"Yeah.. yeah.. Bye stupid!"

Nose laughed even louder. he's not obviously happy.

"Whatever! b***h. Bye"

When I got out of Dark's gate, l saw Denver stepping out of his car. His face brightened when he saw me.

"Red! I'm glad to see you again, what are you doing here at Dark's house? Have you settled down yet?"

I nodded then run the distance

between Denver and me, hugged him tightly.

"Thank you Denver, you've been a good friend of mine. You're the only one I run to when I'm in trouble and have a problem. just thank you."

"Of course, we're friends!"

I let go of our embrace then I looked at him from head to toe.

"Hmm.. nothing has changed, you're still handsome."

l teased Denver, and he just laugh while combing his wet hair.

"Let's talk next time, Denver. cause I still have a mission."

I didn't wait for Denver's answer. I walked away from him while waving. Then I heard him shouting..

"Red! when we meet again, treat me at the gay bar okay! I'll expect that!"

I raised my hand and waved.. "Yeah! Sure.. bye Denver."

I even saw him punching in the air. 'It's really easy to make this gay happy, haha'

I looked up at the sky then smiled.

'Whoa .. it's really nice to live freely. from now on I don't have to pretend to anyone, Dark is right, I don't have the obligation to explain to everyone. This is my life so, I can do whatever I want to do that makes me happy.'

I'm Red Gomez, code name Red Lips.. who leaves a message saying ..

"Don’t rush things, wait for them to fall perfectly. If it’s bound to happen, it will happen."

This is the story of my life ... my Hidden Identity is over, I have finally achieved true happiness in my life... and soon in my heart.

- THE END -

Life is about trusting our own feelings, taking chances and finding our own happiness. Earning memories and learning from the past. Life is full of surprises. its so beautiful yet ugly at the same time. you can be floating in space one second and crashing back down to reality the next. it may kick you in the a*s sometimes, but will teach you a lesson in it all. You’ll go through the never ending cycle of questioning yourself then regretting your decisions later. Pray to God that life should not be easy as you want it to be, but pray that may God give you enough strenght to face it.

?MahikaNiAyana