EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 3| If I hold you would you linger?

My eyes fluttered open with the small fraction of the sunlight subtly getting its way through the window. Glaring at the clock, it was already afternoon. I was obviously sleeping for too long. My wrists have a bandage, covering my deep stashes. No regrets that I harmed myself. It relieves the pain though I physically hurt myself and it would take effect on the strength of my hand. I stretched my limbs softly, letting out a small groan escape from my mouth. My feelings got slightly better than last night.

I wasn't expecting that Michael had calmed me down, and managed all my crying last night and made me feel better at least. I thought they were all for Luke. It was a small thing done, but for me, it was bigger than any other. I was seeking comfort last night, and there he was all the way.

I unwrapped myself from the duvet underneath my body which kept my body warm all night. and got off my warm and comfortable bed.

It was a great relief for me, that it was a typical Saturday, means no work for today. I do Piano and Guitar tutorial lessons in Clef Studio a music community that encourages music workshops, tutorials, and events. I usually teach kids and fresh new teens. I am an undergraduate but they accepted me for my excellent talent and I am grateful enough for that though. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew how to read music and play Chopin and Bach's pieces or whoever music God everyone knows. With my musical intelligence, I took a bachelor of arts in music while Luke took music technology. We both stopped because our part-time jobs couldn't suffice our needs. We needed to work harder which made us drop the scholarship because the pressure is too much. Luke has a strained relationship with his father and my mother needed money for a kidney transplant so we had to work and stop although I badly wanted to finish my studies with or without Luke in between.

I removed the bandage on my wrists, showing my three stashes that had already closed from now. I undressed as I wrapped myself with a towel for a warm shower.

Once I finished my usual routine, I left the bedroom and head to the living room. Unsurprisingly, Luke was there sitting on the couch with his face showing no care at all. After the night where everything was over, our place has gotten emptier and more silent than ever. However, I felt all neutral and empty seeing him today. He didn't come home last night causing my head to get consumed with the thought of him all night.

Maybe I should not go and talk to him, and just keep myself as silent as I can.

"Stacy. What’s about Michael telling me that you harmed yourself? Why are you doing it again? Didn't we talk about this before? Do you want to die?" He said with furrowed eyebrows.

"Maybe. Maybe I want to die." I spat out abruptly keeping a stern face. My insufficient answers were like fuel to his temper making him prepare for something to say.

"You started a dare. No s**t. You shouldn't care about my self-harm issues. It's none of your business." I scoffed with my distorted voice but provocative enough to start another argument I didn't want,

"I'm not starting a fight again. In case you don't know. We just have a dare, a deal, an agreement or whatever you call it." I said as I sat on a chair beside the patio window with my eyes fixated at the plain-looking view. The street was still busy even at this hour. People passing by, wheels of cars kept on rolling on the asphalt which makes this cycle of routine endless. I started to rethink all my decisions two years ago after we finished high school. Was this really the right thing?

I glanced at my slits where my mind suddenly busted in, telling me 'It was never enough, I was never enough' Well, I'm back to hell now where I should conceal everything in order to survive.

I have still managed to smile despite all those obnoxious things in as much as I do believe that it could change something today positively.

I felt a cold palm touch my shoulder, as two arms wrapped around my body from my back. I couldn't help but glance at his angelic face that turns me fragile again. His eyes were speaking sincerity and care, not like the way it looked a while ago.

It was the Luke that I used to have. But in a different world, a different form of reality where I just want to stop and forget everything and just kiss him while melting all over the place. Eventually, it's too impossible now.

"Don't do it again Stace. Just don't." He sincerely says as I find it merely rare to care about me now.

"I won't and I can't. I can't say yes or you. This is just the beginning." I reluctantly said. I just wish that he could hold me and linger longer.

He unwrapped his arms around me after a while and left.

Tears were already brimming my eyes but I forced not t let it flow. But instead, I took a deep and long exhausted breath.

My phone buzzed from my hand as I check to see Ashton's message.

-Hi Stace! Hope you're okay! Come over at 7 for a sleepover! Mikey will be also there! x (:

-

I was currently standing in front of Ashton's door. His flat seems to be massive for one. But he really wanted it this way, more room for friends and rehearsals where the living room is bigger with a fur carpet. However, I could already sense the excitement in the atmosphere making my smile grow a little. I pressed the doorbell and waited for somebody to open up,

"Oh My f*****g God! Calum! You're home!" I screeched in surprise seeing Calum in front of me. I immediately pulled him in for a smothering bear hug, like a scenario of long lost siblings. Ashton and Michael were just at his back, grinning to death.

"God! Haven't seen you for ages Cal! How's California? Haven't been to my hometown" I enthusiastically asked as I heard him chuckle lowly. We got inside and plop ourselves on the couch keeping the smile on our faces. Calum is my best friend whom I haven't seen in a while. He looked Asian but he is of Kiwi and Scottish descent. The lanky boy I used to know is now taller and lean.

"Still the Stacy I know. Never changed" He smiled placing his arms around my shoulder.

"That's why we told you to come over to see your best friend. and also to light up your mood." Ashton said flashing his trademark smile that always showed his dimples.

"Yeah, and we'll make this night great," adds Michael.

"Awh, you guys will always be the best!" I happily gushed.

"By the way, are we expecting somebody else here? I curiously asked as I got no response. The doorbell rings probably answered my question as Michael ran to get it.

I heard Luke's voice making my heart race up like a sprinter. As I turned my heel, the world stopped revolving and so did my heart,

I felt like I was hollow and dead at this moment. I felt like my scars start to open and I don't know what to do.

There he was with a girl. An absolutely beautiful girl. Too flawless and too perfect to be true. Her hair was long, nourished and straight together with the posture that made everything so pleasant about her. Their Fingers were intertwined with one another like the way, we used to do before.

She's the reason behind why he doesn't want me anymore.

Luke and the girl were surrounded by the three talking to her with smiles on their faces. Luke's face was priceless, with the look of happiness in his eyes.

She was too reserved with her gestures and too perfect from the way she looks. Curly brown hair, brown eyes, long and nice legs with a thigh gap.

I wasn't comparing, but if you look at me, I look ragged. Short, frizzy hair with freckles on my face. Was I being insecure?

No.

Just figuring out one of the multiple reasons why Luke stopped loving me.

Despite the tragic news, I managed to plaster a smile and walk dauntlessly towards them. I need to be pretentious. Pretending that I'm alright cause I don't want to ruin anything.

"Hi. I thought I'm the only girl in here. I'm Christen. Pleased to meet you." She flashed a sweet smile at me.

"I'm Stacy. Nice to meet you too." I smiled politely towards her as Luke's face dropped when he got aware of my presence. But it didn't last long. He didn't care. He was this heartless and disrespectful piece of s**t as he wore her like the finest jewelry in the universe. But I still love him nevertheless.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, stopping those tears, I silently prayed '"I hope I will be fine. I really hope I will."