EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 2| If I lose myself

LUKE

"Man, that was sick!" I almost exclaim with a grin on my face as I placed my electric guitar inside its case. Michael was clearing out the floor, untangling and tying all the tangled wires scattered on the floor. Michael is the type to obsess wires and we're so glad we have him because the rest are just chilling like Ashton, who was plopped on the couch, drinking a can of Heineken.

"Best rehearsal ever, I can say," said Ashton as the floor was already cleared out leaving Michael’s electric drum set lingered on the corner.

"Well every rehearsal is always the best," Ashton commented as Michael and I plopped ourselves beside him on the couch.

"Playing All Apologies is absolutely my favorite. I mean, Kurt Cobain is a true legend and the band itself. Getting to play their songs is just so heavenly. “I said, elated as I opened a can of beer taking a small sip.

"Luke is too high. He went a little extra on his guitar today." Michael smirked.

Ashton opened the bag of Ruffles as our hands immediately dove in. "Couldn’t agree more. Are you on drugs or there’s some good news in store for us?" Ashton chuckled.

"Such a happy kid. Care to tell the reason?" Michael snickered as he crosses his arms in anticipation.

"Hold up. Before `everything, I was just wondering. How are you and Stacy? Haven’t seen her around." Ashton questioned sounding like an interviewer and I'm the douche bag interviewee. I suddenly remembered her and how she looked like yesterday, begging for me to stay. Certainly, I was too afraid that I was hurting her but I couldn’t feel anything else other than sympathy. I don’t feel anything anymore, too empty and too blank. I don’t know which is worse. Feeling nothing at all, or feeling too hurt.

"We're done with each other. I'm done with her. I suddenly remembered I haven't told you." I nonchalantly replied as their faces dropped in disbelief. It was untrue that she was done with me. From that look on her face, it seems like she’ll never be.

"Like seriously?! You have been together since tenth grade!" Michael reacted knowingly we were together since high school where things were just a big joke but we didn’t care. We were happy.

"What the heck happened?" Ashton frowned in disbelief as I just laugh at their reactions. I never expected that these idiots would care about my relationship after all.

I shrugged "Nothing. I just felt tired with her."

“Have you thought it through though?" Ashton shook his head with a frown plastered on his face.

"You know man," Michael slightly tapped my shoulder and said "I don’t have the rights to say this since I’ve never been in a long term relationship, but please think it through. As your brothers, we care about you and Stacy’s feelings too. You might regret s**t afterward."

I just shrugged myself off.

“Well, what’s the reason behind?” Ashton asked and by this time the two boys stopped munching chips but were listening to me very intently.

"Guys, five years. Imagine that. You get to know the person all your life, you plot out how your life will go with that person and you deal with all her drama which makes every day pretty much the same. Isn't that tiring a little? I just need privacy sometimes and to feel like my world revolves for me and not for her though it's my fault in agreeing to share an apartment with her.” I paused. “And as embarrassing as it sounds, we both agreed to wait till marriage. She's still a virgin and so am I." I admit as I immediately felt self-conscious with my face turning bright red.

Their faces all awkwardly dropped once again, as they burst out laughing annoyingly.

"What?! I never knew!" exclaimed Ashton followed by a laugh. “But yeah, I know I see your point there.”

“Maybe, that’s the spice you need in your relationship. You better try it tonight. It’s now or never. Take back everything you said.” Michael ordered, stifling a laugh.

"What?! Man?! No! It’s not that easy. And that’s not what I want." I protested reluctantly.

"No, seriously that’s the point. You knew her all your life. Are you seriously going to waste that five years?” Ashton questions.

"It’s just that, there’s somebody else. And I think I’m into her. It’s Christen." I replied taking a small sip of my drink.

"Is she the brunette girl you always talk to on the bar?" Michael asked as I nodded.

“Well, it’s still your life after all. We just wanted to remind you.” Ashton said. “We just care. But we’re open to meet her anyway.”

-

I look around at her apartment looking so organized as if it is untouched. The couch had its cushions arranged as if no one has ever sat on it, with the floor too glossy to step on. I wonder if she hired a cleaning lady for this. It was too clean and it smelled like lavender here.

"Hey,” I smiled at Christen with my hands on my pocket keeping it warm as she smiled right back at me. I admit, it was just half a year since we met but I don’t know, there’s something about her that makes me feel so renewed as if I am breathing some fresher air. "Glad you came at the right time, I made you something. Well, I’m no good cook but I’m still learning.” She said as she gave me a kiss on my cheeks, letting me in.

We both plopped ourselves on the couch as I hear country songs were softly playing on the background, more like Lady Antebellum songs. There was a small drawer next to the couch, with a vase of fake flowers and next to it was a photograph of her in a studio.

"You live here alone?" I curiously asked. “Where are your parents? I mean where do they reside now?”

"Kassidy, my best friend sometimes stays here with me for a week or two. And my parents, they died when I was seven. My aunt took care of my brother and me." She replies as she hands me a cup of tea and some cookies. This girl seems so refined and so reserved but that is what makes me want her the most.

"Well Christen, you should really take care. Some bastard might break down here." I cautiously told her.

"No. It's okay Luke. I can handle myself already. Plus, the security in this building is really advanced.” She reassured with a smile.

"But you can stay here with me if you want." She suggested as a part of me was quite hesitant. I remembered I should not leave Stacy alone in our flat. She might think that I'm escaping. I have a long errand to accomplish.

But well, I wouldn't stay long or forever.

"Sounds okay. Well, some other day I will." I smiled as she moved closer to me, and placed her head on my chest. “We could cook some stuff and watch movies,”

"Hey, I haven’t told you this. But your band is really good especially you.” She complimented with a smile. “I’m not really into rock, but your band made me groove.”

"Well, I'll dedicate you a song on our next show. Make sure you’ll be there.” I kissed her forehead.

“Stay for the night please?" She pleaded and there's no way I will say no.

"Sure do Chris. I will." I smiled reassuringly.

She clung close enough to me to pull her in for a passionate kiss with

Her fingers were tangled on my dirty blonde hair, as my hand was on her waist. The feeling was quite unexplainable, but I feel like floating in glee at this moment. It felt new. Some parts of it still surprise me but like what I said earlier, Christen felt so new like a life I haven’t yet explored. This was the first intense kiss I had with Christen and I had realized I was already undressing her. I couldn't believe and I wasn't expecting that it would just go on this way. Well it's too obvious that she’ll be the one I'll have my first time

"Christen." Her name slipped from my mouth.

"I love you," I mumbled on her ear because it’s true and the feeling may be new. But I love her and I want her. I’m so sure of it.

STACY

I was sitting on the cold hard bathroom floor with the clock almost striking midnight. Ocean of tears was streaming down my face with the impulse impossible to refrain or even resist.

I glided the sharp blade on my wrist, my second slit starts to bleed fresh red blood. Deeper than the first stash I did.

I was watching my red blood drip down without any pain felt. I used to stop harming myself, stop being depressed, but I feel like it all comes back to me once again.

Sometimes I feel unwanted, misunderstood, misplaced and unloved. Sometimes I feel tired with concealing everything with my smile. My fake ones finally gave up wherein I get to ask myself, 'Why am I even here?'

I'm tired and sick of lying about what I truly feel, and breaking myself eventually without somebody caring about me.

It's like I'm always the person who they ran onto without me complaining. But when the table starts to turn, I scream for help, but I receive no response only the echo of my voice shattering me over and over again. Harming myself was good in numbing me from the pain on the inside, it might surely kill me later on but I don’t mind. Third slit. I was never enough. It was never enough. Wounds and scars will be never enough.

I heard the front door outside creak open interrupting me followed by footsteps with a man's voice searching for Luke causing me to move away and stop my heavy breathing.

Trails of blood on the floor, blood stains on my shirt. Make-up smeared, with my all messed up hair, and my fringe covering covers up my sight.

I absolutely look like a murderess.

"f**k Stacy! What the hell happened to you?" It was Michael who almost hollered in horror of what he just saw. He immediately ran to me and carefully grabbed my wrists seeing his face drop in as he sees my slits continuously bleeding.

"What have you done to yourself?" He was constantly worried about his eyes growing widely, unsure of what to do. He wraps his arms around me tightly as I just closed my eyes, feeling the warm tears stream down. I sobbed as hard as I could but nothing can ever suffice.

"Michael..." I whisper his name as he carries me and laid me down carefully on the bed.

My body felt so much fragile with the intensified headache. Heavy breathing filled the silence in the bedroom, where I feel like I'm losing my consciousness.

Michael came back with the first aid kit in his hand as I moved away. "No. Michael. No." I pleaded as I was hesitating to have him cure my stashes.

"Stacy. No. Just let me." He sternly says as I gave in. He cautiously took my hand and started cleaning my wound.

But I just wanted to keep it hurting.