EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 1| Alive Rose and Dead Love

I managed to keep it after all this time to serve as a remembrance that incessantly reminds me of the moment in my life that marked me forever. Memories indeed have a way of getting stronger and stronger as it becomes buried in the past; traveling somewhere farther from the reality it used to be which gives me the desire to remember- always. It may be stupid for some, two high school kids who probably don’t know about anything exchanged their vows in an empty corridor but to me, it wasn’t. It was that simple before and I’d pick simplicity over anything always.

Watching the empty espresso cup on the coffee table, I glimpsed at the clock. It was 3am and I never felt languid even a single minute. It must be the coffee, silly me. I wanted to sleep though because everything always felt bad during this hour. You can feel too sad, too aroused, too hungry or dead. But the caffeine is too good at kicking and reproducing my horrid thoughts that were always inescapable leaving my feelings all vacant at this constant moment. However, I have recognized the unexplainable melancholy in my chest- a piece of baggage I don’t know how to dispatch. I used to be the girl in glee every moment, but I don't know what happened. No one knows what happened.

Our apartment was dim. I kept it that way, by choice as the rain raged outside making the surroundings more frigid than ever. And then I hear the door creak open as a small fraction of light crept into the living room, followed by his faint footsteps. Watching him walk by, I kept silent as I could. He was all dressed up casually, with the clothes of a stereotype guy in a band would wear. He looked unclean, but I do admit that I still see him perfect like the way I used to before. Dressed up or dressed down, nothing changed.

"Stacy. Why are you still awake?" He bluntly questioned with his face holding no emotion. He sat beside me on the couch without even getting to touch my skin. It was too painful. Why is he doing this? All I just want is to feel his arms around me without speaking anything at all, just exchanging warmth. But there’s nothing left to do but hope for it.

"Nothing, I just wanted to see you," I replied with an aching hope that he would care but he only gave me a blank gaze.

"You know we have a show tonight and I’ll be home late. So ridiculous for waiting." He says letting out a weary yawn.

"I don’t see anything ridiculous with waiting. Besides I wasn't able to go and get some sleep. And I just want to see you. We hardly see each other. I leave in the morning, where you are asleep and I come home alone." I managed to lower my voice but I feel like I'm starting a fight again.

Apparently, he furrowed his eyebrows with a pissed glare at me then seriously questions "Don't you get tired with me? Because I'm already tired of you."

His words struck me straight through my chest. Tears began to fall from my eyes but I tried to stop them.

"Luke, why would I even get tired of you?" I was constantly fretful but about what to say next. It was surely infuriating, but all I ever felt was a pain. How would you even fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight anymore?

"Jesus Stace. It had been two months since our relationship is falling apart and you still keep on chasing me, being sweet with me, cooking dinner for me, caring for me and I feel so bad about it because every time I look at you, I don’t feel anything anymore. Why can’t you just give up? I'm only waiting for your sign. I’m only waiting for you to start making sense out of things. “He almost raised his voice while facing me but I moved away.

Feeling the lump on my throat, I swallowed hard and keep my emotions still.

"Luke, we have been together for so many years since the day I said yes. Now you're throwing it all away. Is it that easy? Am I that easy to you?" I looked at him, his eyes saying nothing but despair and frustration trying to get rid of some kind of infestation.

He rubbed his face in a rough manner."What do you want me to do? Lie and fool you? “He spat as I let out a long sigh rummaging for something to say, something to think of, that this is only a dream that I’ll wake up from. He was all I ever invested for. My dreams, my life, and everything and it will only take a night to discard?

"What about the five years? Are you seriously going to leave it like that?" My mind was all empty yet consumed at what was happening at the moment.

There was a long silence before he spoke again. “I don’t want to waste my life anymore.” His shoulders drop as he stood up from the couch. I placed my feet on the floor waiting for him to look back again at me.

“Luke,” I pinned my eyes on him as he looked back at me with the same emptiness he kept on giving me the moment he arrived. “ I'll never give up on you. I’ll never leave. What about this apartment? This is what we have dreamed of. I can’t just-” Eventually, my heart and tongue were working faster rather than my mind without me having a decision made as well. He was already motioning to enter our room but I stood up, he stopped and looked at me.

"Well, that's what you want? Then fine. I have a dare." He scoffed. His eyes were so empty as if it was looking to a stranger.

“Luke, please we don’t need this. We can talk things through.” I pleaded while holding his wrist. He bit his lip and looked towards the floor. “I just don’t want to anymore.”

"I'll be staying here with you. On this shared apartment. I won't leave. But we’re over. We’re only staying for this stupid apartment. Deal? Well, if one of us can't stay longer, one of us will leave." He sternly explained as my face dropped.

“Don’t give me s**t,”

"You just told me you won't leave me right? And besides, we’re both far away from home so you technically have no choice." He spat.

"God, that’s absurd! Luke, if you want to leave, then leave!" I argued as I immediately regretted what had slipped through my mouth. I no longer understand what I feel, if I am infuriated or just plain hurt with everything.

"Stacy, we are both paying for this. You know how you can’t afford to pay for this without my help and I can’t pay this by myself either.” He sighed as I felt myself drop because it was true. We didn’t finish college for the reason that the workload we get in school can’t be dealt with the weariness from our part-time jobs.

“I just can’t agree with that, Luke, please. This is everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

"Well, want me to leave? I'll go pack up my things." He nonchalantly said as I grabbed his wrist. Why is everything so easy for him?

"No Luke. I'm dealing with you." I bravely stated because this is the last way I can keep him.

"Well, fine then." He nodded as he left me alone dumbfounded in the living room I really can't believe what kind of agreement I have dealt onto and what he could possibly do without me interfering. It was like, waking up from something you’ve become accustomed to and I just can’t do that.

Sighing in despair, I made my way to the bedroom, letting out a small fraction of light creep into the room. I need to get my things; because I'll probably sleep on the couch. I opened the bedroom door, seeing him wide awake contemplating about something I wish I have access on.

I took my shirt off and yanked on his nirvana shirt. The scent makes me weak getting me more nostalgic about him. He's just right there, but I feel like he's too far away from me. This has always been my favorite thing. To borrow his shirt whether he is away or not- it gave me some feeling that he is close to me and this is probably the last thing I can do right now. Tears filled my eyes even when I didn’t want them to. I thought hardly. So hard it’s making my head hurt. How do you fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for?

"Stacy?" I heard him softly calling my name as I looked at him hoping he would spare me the same concern he used to give me.

He walked towards me and sat on the floor in front of me. "Stacy, are you crying?" He asked as he ran his thumb on my cheek. I could tell how he was still afraid to see me sad, he’s also waking up from something he’s so used to and he’s so unaware of it.

"Stacy, don't cry." He said as I was intently listening. How can I stop myself? I'll never be okay. How does he expect me not to?

From this moment, I realized he was carrying me as He laid me on the bed carefully. The edge of the bed dips down underneath his weight. He carefully climbed under the cover, and wrap his arms around me, making me feel all secured.

Our skin was pressed enough with one another, stealing our radiating warmth. His head was buried with mine feeling his hot breath on my skin.

“I’m sorry, Stacy.”

Our heart beats at the same time, but our love is gone.

"You can sleep now." He mumbled and kisses my neck.

Now I'm all confused.