EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 19| That Slag

Christen placed a plate of pasta on the wooden table in a vexed manner provoking my thoughts to spring up. The aroma of cloves floated in the air but it didn't make my stomach rumble at all. She walked to her bedroom living me all alone as if I forced her to make me some food but I didn't. I left the food untouched on the table as I followed her. It's been two damn times since she's been making me look like a dumb f**k.

"Can you just tell me what's happening to you? I mean like you're not even interested at all." I seriously interrogate almost sounding like a high school teacher. As if I was careless that it wouldn't piss her off. She was silent, without any word spoken, motionless with the blankest glare.

"Christen? Are you listening to me?" I reiterated. She stood up from being seated on the bed and stomped towards me, her breathing -intense.

"What the hell do you want to happen?" She bluntly stated as I was puzzled with her response. Her arms were crossed as her gaze pierced me.

"Just please," I breathed out. "Please explain to me why you're acting like that, if I did something wrong- we could talk about it."

"I don't want to f*****g explode right now, Luke. Quit it." She pushed past me as I followed her in the living room.

"Just tell me, Christen. So that I'll know what to do, I'm just so afraid of this- and us falling out, " I sighed. She turned her heel with clenched fists.

"So, you're telling me that now, that you're afraid of us falling out? How can you be so full of s**t?" i was taken aback by her resentments.

"What the hell is your problem?" I queried in frustration, clueless as to why her fury seemed to be this abysmal towards me.

"Don't play stupid f**k Luke, you want to know? I'll tell you then, let's see if you can do anything. “she challenged.

"It hurts,"

"What hurts?"

"Goddammit, how stupid can you get? Do you really think it's okay with me that you share the same bed-" she spoke swiftly, insinuation can be felt on the tone of her voice.

I cut her off, “it's just an agreement Christen, calm down.” I held her by her forearm but she clouted them away. "No," She shook her head repeatedly, tears welling up on her eyes.

"You just don't care,” She paused, sucking in a deep breath to alleviate the vehemence of her emotions. "You think understanding the whole damn thing will serve me good but what about how I feel Luke? This relationship isn’t solely about you.”

“You just don’t understand it Christen,” I shot in defence. It made her face harden even more. “I get it Luke, I f*****g get it. Can’t you just-“

“Can’t you just see how it’s so unfair on my side? Luke, I am your girlfriend, but she gets to cook for you, to care for you, and you even get to protect her. What about me? You get to sleep with her on the same bed- f**k, How can I make myself believe that you’re not screwing each other? You really think all your texts, calls, fancy dates, your flowers are enough?! I don’t give a s**t about them! I just want that slag out of your life!”

I stared at her in disbelief. I never expected that she would talk this harshly. “Stacy and I are not even talking anymore! Don’t act like you know everything when you don’t! You hardly make any effort to listen to me; you think it’s easy for me to get fed up with your excuses?”

“This isn’t about you, Luke. Don’t f**k with me I know how that kind of bullshit goes.” She scoffed. “I just want you to f*****g leave her, how hard is that?”

“I will christen, only if I can. It took us years dreaming and dreaming till we finally got to move here, to afford this place even when it meant to create more creases on our family. Just f*****g stop thinking that we’re into some funny business, I just can’t get out easily. My mother is now in Singapore, married to a new man while my father is still f*****g revolting because I chose music instead of any business course, Can’t you see?” I said, breathing heavily.

“You didn’t tell me you’ve been together for five goddamn years,” She spat the words out as if it was full of toxicity. My heart pounded upon the fact that my secret is out and it would be harder to get her. “Luke, tell me. Do I have anything against the person who knew you her whole life?” She breathed out in exasperation.

“Can you even tell me straight to my face that there isn’t a single second where you stared at her longingly?”I lost my words. “Why can’t you just believe that I am over her now? You’re the one that I love; I don’t give a s**t about her now even if it’s hurting her, Christen just please don’t make this hard.”

“We can make this work right?” But she didn’t answer.

STACY

My clammy hand held the cold metal of the door knob. Now that I discussed things with my brother, entering this household made me even more distressed for I have to make decisions now and I should really do better this time since I am now knowledgeable of how much I’ve let them down. I opened the door. I was extremely surprised by the mess- it seemed as though he had a rough day again that he had to rummage for food, scatter his beer bottles and his Chinese takeout trash. This man disgusts me.

“What the hell happened here?” I carped, feeling the weight of everything on my shoulder including my decision, my brother leaving on Sunday, the recital tomorrow and Luke himself. I just wanted to cry again but I’ve been crying a lot lately. Luke glanced at me from being seated on the couch as I just shook my head in frustration and went to the bedroom. I dropped the paper bag on the ground which contained the evening gown I just bought for the upcoming event and just let my weight sink on the mattress. It felt different. Luke stood again by the doorframe as I felt the need to throw my things towards him- because I’ve never felt this hurt and furious at the same damn time.

“Can we just talk?” He looked all too defeated as well but a fire in me was kindled. “What the f**k do you want to talk about now?”

“Christen and I fought because of you.” He pressed which made the fire within me spread out further in my loins. I didn’t reply in as much as I lost all my words, my spaces left to listen and my patience as well. I couldn’t hold it anymore; I shoved the things off our night stand. I lost my attentiveness on what was happening but the lampshade was now lying down on the floor, shattered. I could no longer pay attention whether I was crying or not but my chest was hurting so bad; I couldn’t find any way to stop it. I shoved the duvet, threw the pillows on the ground, and threw our dirty laundry everywhere till my surroundings sweltered with anger. I ended up on the ground, panting. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand feeling my body slowly melt on the cold hard floor. Luke tried to stop me the whole damn time with profanities scattering everywhere but it did no help. I must’ve hit him many times. It was so sudden, but I snapped.

“Stacy, calm the f**k down!” He was crouched down holding my forearms as he tried to keep me together. “Just stop Luke, I’m begging you. I’ve had enough, you don’t have to tell me that it’s my fault because I already know that it’s mine,” I sobbed frenziedly. He kept his arms locked on my forearm hindering me to do further damage.

“Just please tell me what it meant,”

“What?”

“That night when you carried me to your arms after calling it off, when you cared about my cuts, that stupid bubble bath, when you kissed me, when you… whenever you look at me longingly, whenever you make me feel like you needed me, tell me what it meant, Luke”

He looked at me and closed his eyes so hard. I could feel his hand let go of my forearm. “It meant nothing,”