EVANESCENCE

CHAPTER 5| There I said it

"Am I doing it right?" Andrea, my student politely asked me as she continued playing Green Sleeves in the piano with her eyes fixated on the music sheet. I was sitting next to her on the stool watching her play the piece I just taught her. She even burned extra hours for me to monitor her and I highly appreciate that because playing a musical instrument takes a lot of passion. However, despite the way, I put too much effort into my job I still get consumed with thoughts lately. Did I really do it with Calum? Oh, God. We haven't spoken after that night and I hope everything is alright. It makes me feel guilty though.

"You're doing absolutely good Andrea." I smiled sweeping my own thoughts. as I watched her hit the last few notes. She looked too adorable with her french braid reminding me of myself when I were younger and used to play piano with my father teaching me.

"So, shall we proceed to the next piece on our next meeting? It's already four in the afternoon, your mom is probably waiting for you in the lobby." I said in concern as her fingers left the keys. I see so much potential in her.

"Well, okay Miss Anderson. See you next week," She enthusiastically said with hope spilling all over her face. She folded her copy of the music sheet as she placed it inside her backpack.

"Goodbye Miss Anderson! Stay beautiful!" She said as she kept the grin on her face.

"Goodbye Andrea. Be careful!" I replied both waving goodbyes to each other as she made her way out of the room.

Once she left, Silence filled the empty room with me all alone. I arranged some couple of chairs and placed several music sheets scattered on the table inside my plastic folder organizer. This community has been my home ever since I stepped my foot here and felt more like home when I had my own classroom keeping it neat as much as possible. The room has a whiteboard and some armchairs in front for lectures and at the back, was a lounge with a baby grand piano and a few chairs for rehearsals and a small computer desk where I prepare most of my lectures.

I decided to sit on the black wooden piano after a long idle time. I closed my eyes with my fingers easily gliding through the white keys making out precise notes as I sang my heart out to Sweater Weather by the Neighbourhood.

He knows what I think about, And what I think about. One love, two mouths. One love, one house.

No shirt, no blouse Just us, you find out. Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no

"Cause it's too cold for you here now. So let me hold both of your hands in the holes of my sweater" By the time I realized I was singing with a familiar beautiful voice, I stopped.

The frigid atmosphere kissed my skin as an electric spark rushed through my veins all of a sudden. I felt my heart once again as my face burned with an unknown reason or perhaps I knew the reason- I just don't want to remember how we used to sing together with eyes locked like it's our personal language. I glimpsed at my right seeing Luke, still surprised even when I recognized his voice. He was looking at me which utterly made my heart pummel out of my chest.

Even the harmony fell in love at the lovely moment a while ago. But I know should stop myself from falling on this ridiculous delirium.

"We're closed. Get out." I said monotonously but I couldn't look straightly at his. My knees were getting weak as soon as I felt how perfect It was.

"You don't close at four, Stacy," Luke said looking directly at me. He was too strong for this and I'm not. I'm definitely losing at this segment of 'Who's more rigid?' "You leave here at exactly seven in the evening. Sometimes 7:30 but you never stay later than eight."

"Oh you remember," I c****d an eyebrow as I stood up from the piano stool, pushing it aside. I was so rigid, so stern yet my heart is melting as it spilled all over this place. "I don't forget easily," I wonder if he remembers everything we used to have and how good all of those. Maybe he does but it doesn't give him the same feeling I always get when I think of them.

"What the hell do you need anyway?" I spat out and crossed my arms.

"Just come with me, Stacy. I know your shift is done; I even escorted that student of yours in the lift. Just skip your lessons for a bit. “He said. I shook my head reluctantly as he grabbed my wrist.

"I'm not going with you. Don't give me shit." I said as I swat his hand away on my wrist. He sighed in frustration. Classic Luke. Easily frustrated when he doesn't get what he wants.

"Fine. I'm sorry." He gazed on the ground then back at me in anticipation for something. "I'm sorry, just come home for tonight." He said as he left with his leather boots making noises on the cold floor.

-

I gently closed the door as the clock immediately welcomed me telling me that it's seven in the evening. The pattern of everything can be so painstaking when the person who keeps you from falling apart from the mundane routine is now off with someone else and someone better. The lights on the living room were off but the kitchen lights were on. I don't know if he's home or not. The hell I care. I didn't turn the lights on as I sank on the couch and glanced at the patio windows where the curtains were swept off. The lights always give me hope but right now I don't want to look at them. I'm so f*****g tired and I want to cry.

"Stacy?" Luke slowly stepped off the bathroom with the warm light from the kitchen touching his angelic face. My tears fell. I couldn't help it- I could feel myself erupting with emotions I have been concealing for a long time. I'm so f*****g in love with him. He remained on his tracks looking at me with such glance I couldn't decode again. This is so exhausting. "Luke, please. I'm not up for anything right now, alright." I took a deep breath before I stood up and headed on our bedroom. I switched the lamp on with the warm light scattering on a little surface of our room making things lonelier but I didn’t mind. I took a moment to scrutinize how I look which turned out as a bad decision made. Christen looks so much better and I hate myself. Luke’s reflection appeared from behind with his body leaning on the door frame, still wearing the plain black shirt he wore earlier. He's so f*****g beautiful.

I turned my heel nervously, facing him as I asked. "Is there anything I can do for you? Or, is there something I haven't done yet?" He breathed out as he walked towards me until he was a few centimeters away from me. I could inhale his scent from our proximity- the scent that always smelled like home, the scent I always want to remember "Stacy, I" He trailed off. He leaned on for a kiss but I turned away.

"I'm sorry, Stacy... I- I-" He stammered. "I don't know," I looked at him in desolation as my emotions poured once again. "Hey, I got you." He wrapped his arms around me, enclosing me with his warmth as my emotions collapsed harder than ever. I just want to go home. I closed my eyes so hard- I must be dreaming.

He lifted my chin as I pressed my lips on his precisely until it allowed us both to feel our trembling lips. My mind raced with thoughts that this is so f****d up but I just wanted to feel home for a while. Just for a while. Touching his cheek and his hair felt like forever. It felt like walking into the place where you are always meant to be and that's what I want to believe right now. I removed my lips from him with it still swelling from the touch it will always remember which utterly made us uncomfortable the moment we recognized reality once again. He held my hand and nodded his head towards the door. I have no idea what was going on but I followed. He took me inside our bathroom where the lavender scent floated everywhere. This is so wrong, but how can I ever think correctly? The nature of the heart is to want for something or someone until it swells so terribly, pummelling for it to escape from the ribs till it finally gets what it wants.

"Come on," He smiled timidly. "Why?" I asked, seeing the events so hazy. He didn't answer but rather, he took off his shirt. Noticing that I was still motionless, he stopped and faced me once again. "C' mon, Stace." We both undressed in a less obscene manner and dipped ourselves on the warm water on both ends of the tub. There was a long moment of silence between the two of us where we occasionally glance at each other waiting for who will speak first.

"I miss you," He said too softly, discarding every little tinge of hurtful words he had told me. "What are you doing to me?" I asked him for I was dying to know. I really don't have enough strength to risk myself being broken by the same things again.

"I don't know Stacy, I really don't know." All I am is a heap of confusion now.

"You can't go with her when you're still confused, please give yourself some time, Luke," I told him with my weary eyes looking at him and never leaving his image.

"Maybe a part of me just... Really misses you." I didn't respond. I noticed him biting his lip, tensed. "Five years is really too much,"

"Was it that easy for you to throw it all away? How did you even happen?" I asked. He paused for a long time until it was starting to make my eyes wearier. I placed my forearm on the rim and rested the side of my face. "I've been seeing Christen for half a year now. We were good friends, she occasionally checks out our shows, till I get to invite her for coffee, for lunch. No bullshit."

"Everything about her feels so different." He said. I sighed when tears started to brim my eyes and it was already tiring to cry. "I fell in love with her just right at the moment where I realized that I'm falling out of love on you."

"Tell me, what is this if you- if you are so into her now?" He didn't have an instant answer. I wasn't upset, I just... wanted a meaning.

"I didn't ask you to join me here to talk about her." He said. "What is it that you want?" I desperately asked drowning under the depth of confusion.

"I just want to be here with you, Stacy. It's been so long since the last time that we talked and I miss you." I was aching to move closer to touch her again in this once in a blue moon moment of his fragility because tomorrow will definitely be different.

"You already said that."

"But it's true," How eccentric can you get? Silence again filled our surroundings. "So you and Cal?"

I thought of admitting it to him but I don't see any purpose. It wasn't done to make him jealous neither to get him back. I shook my head.

"I saw you two kiss." He coldly stated. I lifted the side of my face from my forearm and stared at the water instead. "It's none of your business."

"Is he any better than me?" He suddenly blurted out and I was taken aback. I saw the brokenness and remorse in his eyes that I wasn't expecting to see. This was draining. "I thought about you the whole f*****g time, Luke," I admitted, rubbing my face in confusion. "There, I said it. Are you happy now?"

"Do you think I'm better? Why?" I could hear from his voice that he was aching even for a little.

"Because I love you, Luke. I really love you." And you don't.