Favored by Indivia

09

Chapter Nine

In which she needed a breather.

-

[Ross Pagette Monstine.]

I am f****d.

Slowly backing away from the canvas, I easily dropped the paintbrush with horror struck to my face. The second that I realized how many portraits of Matthias that I had made, I panicked. Seeing him in that view, and remembering all the subtle expressions from his face felt like a huge spur of inspiration came up to me.

Everything feels like a lucid dream, since I didn’t even remember making this many portraits. I know that this isn’t affection bound. All that I am doing is simply improving my skill whilst using my sister’s boyfriend as a means to do so.

That sounds so f*****g wrong.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with this.”

I say that, but I could feel my body feeling faint thinking about how Ryli would react if she had seen all of these. It was a clear indication that no matter how much excuses I give myself, I knew that I was doing something that I shouldn’t. Even still, I continued to do so. It was the only thing I knew how to do.

Because in order to keep myself on the same pedestal that I had been for years—I need to have an inspiration to continue. As hard as it was to admit, it only came when Matthias is the subject. The draft that I have of my brother still continued to sit on the side, with no spark from me to continue.

“f*****g hell. This sucks.”

My hands were itching to ring my friends, but I knew what Vivian would tell me. I know she’ll associate this with me being emotionally involved with someone I am not supposed to. I can deny everything, but I doubt she would believe me after seeing everything. I look like someone who’s stalking Matthias.

Eyes focused on the last portrait that I made, I shuddered. It felt so real. I never painted anything so beautiful, enough that I wanted everyone to see it and appreciate the beauty that it has. Even if I wasn’t supposed to, I wanted people to see.

That’s what f****d up about all of these.

“Did you cook again, brother?” I heard Ryli’s voice from outside. For some reason, I had pulled the easel away from the view of the door, as if she would burst in there and see everything. I was already acting like someone who had done something wrong. “No, I am not that hungry. I’ll be out in a few hours, so I just need some sleep.”

“At least eat something, Ryli. You look thin.”

“I better be, since we’re weighing tomorrow.”

“I swear to the heavens.”

My lips pulled a smile to the conversation. Despite the shortness of their interaction, it always felt real and genuine when they talked to each other. Ryli had stopped involving everyone in her life, and would often give us snippets. Even the fact that she’s in the top of her class—we weren’t aware of it until Samantha—who is taking the same course as my sister, mentioned how Ryli’s really good at what she’s doing.

“Ross.” I panicked, eyes locking to the door knob to see if I had locked it. Thankfully, I did. Ryder would have entered my room if I didn’t, and would have seen the man in the painting. Even if I wasn’t sure if he had met Matthias, it would be harder in the long run when Ryli did introduce him. “The door is locked. Are you hungry?”

“No, I’m fine!” I replied, slightly a tone higher than normal.

“...ok? Please tell me if you want to eat something.”

It was also easy to spot when I am distressed or lying. Everything seemed so crazy, but I am in no position to even stop what I had done. I had already dipped my feet to the water, and I simply needed to face the waves. No matter what I do from here, I already committed something that would cause a misunderstanding in the future.

That was inevitable.

“Coffee,” I whispered to myself, eyes still focused on the man in the painting. “I need to take a breather, maybe clear my head for a bit.”

Doing just that, I exit my art room. Normally, I would leave it unlocked since nobody even steps inside the room. However, knowing what is inside that very room—I made sure to lock it. The key felt heavier than it’s supposed to.

“Are you going somewhere?” Ryder was quick to ask when I passed him.

I nodded, grabbing my bag without even looking at him. “I need some refreshers. Do you need anything from the cafe?” When I saw my brother, he had already lifted the same container from the coffee shop, informing me that he already had what he wanted. It seemed like Ryli already bought him something from there. “Contact me if you need something. I’ll be off.”

“Be careful, Ross.”

“I will.”

Walking out of the dorms made me feel a bit free. The second the wind hit my face, I knew that this was just what I needed. Everything inside my art room felt so suffocating, enough that I felt like the pressure would just continue to step on me until I am nothing but a pulp.

Until now, I wasn’t sure what urged Ryli to take art classes. I could say that it was because of Matthias, but he couldn’t even attend the atelier. From what I noticed to my sister’s schedules, she’s still taking lessons there.

Matthias hardly mentioned anything in terms of how Ryli paints, too. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to talk about her in general, or he knew that we were talking about her behind her back. Even still, I didn’t understand their relationship dynamic.

“Good afternoon, welcome!” Bianca, the bright server of the cafe greeted me the second that the bell chimed. She has her familiar smile on her face, waving me a soft hi. “What could I get you, Ross?”

Eyes looking at their specials, I answered. “One cup of Roses Vanilla.”

“You always make the best choices, Ross.” She complimented, as if that order isn’t highlighted in their menu board. Her sister is the barista in the place, and they both have a good hand when it comes to coffee. So I usually order what they recommend on their board. “This is why you’re our favorite customer.”

I scoffed. “I am sure that Mr. Griffin will stop coming here if he hears that.”

“This is the only coffee place that our father could visit, Ross.” She laughed, ringing my order as fast she could. “Give us a minute. I’ll bring it to you as soon as we’re done.”

“Thank you, Bianca.”

“My pleasure.”

Taking a seat to one of the empty spaces, I easily grabbed my sketchbook to keep me company. While I hardly had any entries in this notebook, seeing the few improvements that I had over the years did help me calm down from time to time. It feels like a small pat in the back when I feel down.

“I am telling you, this place is good!” My eyes followed the voice, as if on instinct, and I flinched. The group who walked into the shop is Matthias’s group. Ayne, the one who seemed to have found the place, seemed excited as she dragged everyone inside. “When have I ever been wrong when it comes to coffee?”

Lucas frowned. “The last place we went to was fine, Ayne.”

“And I am telling you, this one is good!” She replied back.

They all took their seats next to the windows, as would be expected when one would visit this place. Matthias was talking to Seth, and they seemed really into what they were talking about. I didn’t know why I had to step in the same coffee shop at the same time as them.

I went on a walk in order not to think about Matthias—but here he was, only a few distances away from my face. Frankly, I really do think that the world doesn’t want good things to ever happen in my life.

Maybe I am cursed. Or maybe this is just karma.

Either way, I am not happy with what is happening.

I spotted Page with her boyfriend, and it was a good thing that something is keeping her distracted. If she had seen me, I am sure that Page would have called me. I am already having a lot of a hard time dealing with the interaction with Matthias. The last thing I needed is to get involved with their group.

Even if they all seemed friendly, I know that it will touch a nerve of my guilt.

So maybe that’s just good—

“Roses Vanilla for Ross.”

Page swiveled to the counter by the announcement, and Bianca was looking all over the space for me. The second that she had spotted me, I knew that Page did the exact same thing.

I didn’t even need to look at her to know. My feet just simply stood from where I was sitting, quietly grabbing my drinks without looking in her direction. Even still, I could feel the piercing stare of the woman from behind me.

“Uh uh uh, do not even think about it,” Page pulled my shirt back before I could even take a few steps to the door. “Don’t even play the role as if you didn’t see me,” she says as if knowing that I had already known that they were there. I feel like she just assumed that I did not like company, since I mostly enjoyed the solitude. She used to be the same, but Page mentioned how fun it was being with her boyfriend’s friends. It seemed fitting for someone like her to catch their attention in her first year in this school. Eyes slowly following her, she pats the chair next to her. “You seem like you’re here to take a breather. Join us. We do not mind the additional company. In fact, we love to have it.”

K, who I only knew because Page introduced us, offered me a nod. “Please, take a sit.”

Motherfucker.

I f*****g hate my life.

“Oh, that’s okay. I do—”

“Please sit, Ross.” Matthias smiled, clearly glad that I am sitting with them. I could hardly say no when he looks like a dog who is wagging his tail to his owner. “We would love to have your company.”

Vien beamed, clearly also pleasantly happy to offer me a seat. “Yes, it wouldn’t hurt having another female in the group.”

“We would love to recommend a boyfriend but they all suck,” Ayne muttered. The synchronized denial of the men rang all over the coffee house, making everyone offer us a look. Feeling the embarrassment at their sudden loud uproar, I could see a shade of red flushed to their face. As if she had just proved her point, Ayne shrugged. “As I have said.”

As much as I wanted an escape from this, I knew that I had no means to do so. I did want to get acquainted with Ayne and Vien, as both ladies seemed nice and welcoming. Page also would not let me leave, so I simply take a seat and smiled.