Dear Diary, I'm Completely Lost

Happy Birthday, Leslie

“Or a mouth, really.” I look up with the balloon still squeezed between my lips, as I’m desperately trying to blow it to its full size. When I realize who’s standing in front of me, I release the damn thing, making it fly across the hallway while making that weird farting-like sound. Smooth, Perrie. Smooth.

“Uh …” I trail off, looking at the pile of balloons, still waiting for me to blow them. Then, I return my gaze to Jackson, who’s watching me with amusement written all over his face. Ah. I’m going to hate myself for this. “Yeah, sure. Time is kind of not on my side right now,” I give in, offering him a balloon, while taking one for myself.

He sits down next to me and I try to ignore him, just dealing with those damn balloons before my best friend arrives. I also try to ignore how close to me he chose to sit. His knee is touching mine and I hate it. It makes me panic.

As soon as I tie the balloon and put it down, I scoot more to my right, then put the remaining few balloons between us. “Here, we need to hurry,” I tell him, feeling a little relieved now that I’m not touching him anymore.

He looks at me, and as I take in his deep, dark-eyed gaze, I suddenly understand why half the school is going crazy for him. He doesn’t say anything in response, he just nods and takes another balloon, placing it against his lips in an obviously flirty way.

I turn away, forcing myself to stop thinking about what he’s trying to accomplish here. He’s aware of the fact that I have a boyfriend. He’s also had a clash with the said boyfriend already. Does he have a death wish or what?

I don’t even bother blowing balloons to their full size anymore. I’m going for organized chaos now. I leave the last two balloons for Jackson to deal with, then get on my feet and open Leslie’s locker, trying to shove all of the balloons inside. But they keep falling out.

Suddenly, Jackson approaches me with the last two, shoving them in and helping me close the locker … somehow. He’s standing behind me, leaving me alerted and uncomfortable. I move away as soon as I hear the locker letting out the signature ‘click’, meaning it’s locked.

I’m almost proud of myself. Leslie won’t know what hit her. Now all I need to do is- “Perrie!” I suddenly hear her call my name, making me twirl around in surprise. Damn, she’s here already. I quickly grab my bag, smiling at her brightly.

She’s not happy, though. She sends me a long look, before turning towards Jackson in a meaningful way. But he just stands there, pretending to be clueless. Actually, what he does is even worse than just existing. “Hey, I heard today’s your day. Happy birthday,” he tells her, going in for a hug.

My best friend dodges it openly, offering him a fake smile. “Thanks. Not a hugger,” she tells him, making him pull back awkwardly. Dear lord, this is painful to watch. She then turns to look at me, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. “Any reason you’re hovering around my locker?” she wants to know.

I put a mischievous expression on my face, shaking my head like I have no clue what she’s trying to imply. She sends me another look, then glances at Jackson like she’s trying to ask him what he’s still doing here. Whoa, I didn’t know she disliked him this much. Then again, she’s trying to protect me from his persistent flirting.

Letting out a short sigh, she finally walks towards her locker and opens it, only to be met with a flood of balloons. I start pulling all the accessories that I prepared for her out of my backpack. “Happy birthday, bestie!” I squeal, leaning in for a hug and at the same time, putting the tiny crown on her head, with the number eighteen printed on it. “May you be happy, healthy, successful and madly in love. I love you, girl! And congrats, everything is legal now. Except alcohol. Sorry.”

She laughs at my birthday wishes for her, hugging me back. “I’ll be going now, have a great celebration, girls,” Jackson suddenly says, making my face fall. I didn’t realize he was still here. Leslie looks at him, offering him a fake smile again.

“Thanks. We will,” she tells him, then turns towards me as soon as he’s far away to not hear her speak. “Seriously, what the hell was he doing here, Perrie? I thought you’ve decided you wanted nothing to do with him. Hello, your boyfriend already thought there was a thing? He’s making gooey eyes at you for f**k’s sake!” she whisper-yells at me. Probably just to make sure no one else hears her.

I sigh before starting to talk. “I was running late, because I was with Mrs. Ramirez. He saw me blowing balloons all by myself and offered to help. I only accepted because I wanted to finish the surprise for you,” I admit, making her send me a long look.

“You do realize I wouldn’t care if you didn’t finish on time? I mean, I’d probably laugh my ass off, if I saw you sitting on a bench, surrounded by balloons and panicking at sight of me,” she tells me, letting out a chuckle as she imagines the scene in her head.

I smack her shoulder playfully. “Hey! My mom didn’t raise a quitter,” I protest, making her rub the spot where I hit her, but she’s smiling. However, her smile soon fades as she looks at the balloons all around her.

“Yeah, that means you’re helping me clean those up as well,” she informs me, making me groan in an overdramatic way. As we’re starting to put the balloons away, she mentions Jackson. Again. “Seriously, though. What’s wrong with that dude? I thought he’d give up after meeting Hunter in person. He scared the crap out of him, didn’t he?” she wonders.

I let out a long, frustrated breath. I really don’t want to talk about that guy, he’s getting on my nerves with his ‘helpfulness’. “I don’t know, maybe I should’ve let him hit the guy, instead of helping us finish the paper,” I remark, making Leslie chuckle.

But after the moment passes, she sends me a serious look. “Be careful. Really. I have a bad feeling about this guy. Don’t let him get close to you,” she tells me in a warning tone. I look at her, knowing that she only wants what’s best for me. I nod.

“I know. I won’t,” I assure her, making her smile in a relieved way. Then she picks up the last balloon, staring at it for a moment, before turning towards me.

“I’m keeping this one,” she announces, then carefully places it back into her locker, before looping her arm through mine and dragging me to our first class of the day.

She seems to be holding herself up quite well, considering the fact that Aiden isn’t here to celebrate. Last year, we were all together for her birthday. It’s strange to think that we weren’t coupled up at the moment. Aiden was dating Cassie, after all, and I was with Eric.

I invited Leslie over because I knew the situation at her house wouldn’t make for a good birthday celebration. And Aiden was at home that afternoon, because Cassie was going shopping with her friends. We were hanging out downstairs, with my mom at first, then the boys joined us after dinner. We ended up having a lot of fun, playing board games and all that.

I just know that deep down, it’s bothering her that she won’t be able to hug and kiss him for her birthday. She’s turning eighteen after all. When I turned eighteen this summer, we had a celebration, all of us together. For her, it’s going to be much different.

We head to her house after school. My mom knows that I won’t be home for the afternoon, and she was a little bummed that she’ll have to wait until the evening to wish Leslie a happy birthday.

Anyway, as soon as we sit down for lunch with her mom, my best friend doesn’t seem to be quite there. We both hand her our presents and she’s sincerely grateful for them, but I can see that a crisis is coming.

Her mom has to cover a night shift today, so she spends most of the afternoon with us. When she hops out to go grocery shopping, I finally get my chance. I pull another package out of my backpack, offering it to her.

She stares at me in wonder. “You didn’t have to get me two gifts,” she remarks, while I offer her a soft smile. I hope this won’t make her fall apart.

“I didn’t,” I simply say, knowing that she got the meaning behind my words as her hands tremble a little when she accepts the package. It’s small, neatly wrapped and looks like some sort of jewelry box. It’s from my brother, obviously. And Leslie knows that.

She opens it, staring at the content of the package with her eyes softening. In the next moment, her lower lip trembles and she starts sobbing. I glance at the gift as she falls into my arms, unable to look at it without crying.

My eyes soften as I realize what he got her. It’s a chain necklace. With an infinity sign. It symbolizes eternity, of course. And my brother added his initial. I get it. I get how hard it is, doing this long distance, and I understand why it made Leslie fall apart so easily.

“T-Thank you,” she sobs into my shoulder, and I smile as I rub her back in a comforting way. The moment is so emotional that it makes me tear up as well. He promised her forever. I mean, he’s not even here and he dares to offer her that promise. If that’s not romantic, then I don’t know what is.

“I’m not the person you should be thanking,” I murmur, smiling against her shoulder. “You should call him,” I tell her as I pull away, making her blink in surprise.

“But … But we’re celebrating. I-It’s supposed to be our day,” she stutters. I shake my head, pointing at the necklace.

“You see me every day, hon’. I think Aiden is losing his mind, because he still doesn’t know if you like his gift or not,” I remark, making her bite her lower lip, still unsure whether she should call him or not. “Go on. I’ll be downstairs,” I encourage her.

I leave her in her room, but not before putting the necklace on her. To make sure that my brother sees how much she likes his gift before he even gets to ask her. He’s been waiting for a long time.

He gave the package to me before leaving for college. He asked me to hand it to her on her birthday, when I think the moment is right. And the way he said it, the way he instructed me this like it was something that could save the world … it made me realize how deeply he cared for her.