GREAT PRETENDER

5

‘‘ BE who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ’’ — Bernard M. Maruch ?

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Simula noong dumating ang lalaking aking kina iinisan ay walang gabi na hindi ako makatulog ng maayos kahit pa sabihing hindi na madalas ang aming pagkikita, siguro nga masyado akong apektado sa kanyang presensya. Nakakainis lang dahil bakit halos isang buwan na akong naghahanap ng presensya niya. Di ko man aminin at nagagalit man minsan sa aking sarili di ko parin maiwasang mangulila. Damn it! What the heck is happening to me. Napasabunot ako sa aking magulong buhok kahit pa ka babangon ko pa lamang sa aking kama. Buong gabi na naman akong hindi masyadong nakatulog. I am starting to hate him for making me feel uncomfortable and insane at the same time. I shouldn't feel this way because he is just nothing but a pure investor and HD ( Head of Director's ) on my company. I should treat him as a normal person's and nothing special. But f**k, bitterness crept within me as i think about it. Bumangon ako sa aking malaking kama upang maghanda na ng aking morning routine, at nang matapos ay agad na akong bumaba upang mag breakfast, as usual i didn't talk any of the employee here in my house, except nanay pasing, she means a lot to our family she became my second granny as well. She dedicated her life to my late parents, she never had her own family because she's busy taking care of ours.

"Oh iha, magandang umaga, mabuti at bumaba kana saktong sakto nakapaghanda na ako ng paborito mong breakfast," Nanay pasing muttered in a soft nd gentle voice. She's like a fairy god mother to me everytime i felt stress and depressed. She knew me well and i owe her everything. Napangiti ako sa kanyang inasal kung kaya't sinuklian ko siya ng isang magandang ngiti.

"Good morning too, nanay." I replied. She flustered a sweet smile on her oldy faced. My heart aches as i see the wrinkled face of nanay pasing, she's not getting any younger, yet she still continue to cater me. Noon ay halos araw araw siyang pinagsasabihan ni mommy and daddy na huwag masyadong mag trabaho dahil para rin naman namin siyang pamilya o sabihin na nating para na siyang nanay nila dad and mom and para ko na rin siyang Lola. It's just that i didn't noticed nanay but it's like i'd never reminded her na huwag na masyadong kumikilos since nawala sina mom and dad. What happen to you maxine? Even nanay pasing you put aside, who are there for you in your whole entire life? Talaga ba? Ganyan ka ba ka busy? Damn you!

My mind shouted me that i even loathed myself because of my ignipotent. Sht!

"Iha? Bakit my problema ba? My nararamdaman ka ba? Sabihin mo lang sa akin okay? Nandito lang palagi si nanay para sa iyo anak." Nanay mumbled softly that breaks my heart for me who became selfish at her. Since mommy and daddy gone away, i'd never let myself speaks my truth feelings to anyone even nanay pasing or lolo or even my bestfriend lexie. She maybe knows a lot to me but i never told her my true feelings or what i'd felt, or what's bothering me. Of course i did tell her my problems but it's limitedly. I became independent since then, and i don't want to bother anyone as long as i can handle myself well. Maybe i am really a selfish. My tears began to form at the edge of my eyes to think i am so helpless. Should i tell them what's going on to my life? I trusted her as much as i trust GOD.

"Nanay, i-im sorry for being rude and careless all the time, i-i forgot how you cared me before and even now. Patawarin niyo po ako kung hindi ko na kayo gaanong mapag focusan, siguro po kung buhay pa sila mom and dad magagalit ang mga iyon dahil napabayaan ko na kayo, hindi na dapat kayo naglilingkod sa akin, dapat ho ay nagpapahinga kayo dahil matanda na ho kayo. Ayoko ko pong m-mahirapan kayo ng dahil sa akin." I stated full of guiltiness all over my body and soul. Bigla naman siyang napayakap sa akin at ginantihan ko rin ito ng isang mahigpit na yakap at doon na nga kumawala ang aking mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Somehow, i understand it's okay to tell everything what's really inside you to keep away those heavy feelings you've endured on the past. It is better to show reality than pretend something that might caused you regret everything. Naramdaman ko ang paghagod ni nanay sa aking likod kung kaya't napahikbi ako dahil sa bigat ng aking nararamdaman. Halos dalawang decada ko nang kinikimkim ang lahat dahil lamang sa aking pansariling damdamin. Hindi ko man lang naisip na meron din palang nahihirapan liban sa akin. How heartless i am, damn!

"Ssshh, tahan na." Alo ni nanay pasing sa akin.

"Alam ko ang pinagdadaanan mo anak, kung anong hirap at sakripisyo ang ginawa mo upang maitaguyod lamang ang mga iniwan ng iyong magulang, hindi mo man sinasabi sa akin o sa amin ay alam kong nahihirapan kana lalo na't wala kang katuwang sa lahat. Ngunit anak, andito ako, ang lolo mo at ang kaibigan mong si lexie, handa kaming umalalay sa iyo at makinig sa lahat ng mga hinaing mo. Sabihin mo lang anak at huwag mong kimkimin, alam mo bang sa buhay ay dapat magkatuwang ang lungkot at saya? Ang pagiging matapang at mahina? Minsan kailangan mo ang mga ganoong mga bagay upang mabalanse ang ating buhay. Hindi mo kailangan maging puro tapang at lungkot anak, kailangan mo minsan maging mahina o masaya upang hindi ka tuluyang malugmok sa dilim ng kahapon. Kailangan mo ng mga taong pwede mong sabihan at gawing sandigan ng mga hinaing mo hindi man sila makakatulong pisikal ngunit maaaring makatulong sila emosyonal. Kailangan mo rin minsan ng karamay sa lahat anak." She stated sincerely.

Bigla naman akong naliwanagan dahil sa mga pahiwatig sa kin ni nanay pasing. Tama ang kanyang sinabi. All those years had passed i've been drown of my own selflessness, akala ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa aking sarili ngunit mali ako, maling mali. The thoughts of having no one beside me makes me stupid and numb. Hindi ko man lang napapansin ang mga taong nakapaligid sa akin kung paano nila ako tratuhin. Si nanay pasing, ang mga kasambahay, mga driver, mga empleyado sa kumpanya even lolo. F**king goodness! They don't deserve that treatment. Damn you maxine.

"S-sorry ho nay, salamat ho sa paalala." I uttered. She gave me a warm hug and gently smiled at me.

"Oh sige na kumain kana, huwag kang masyadong puro trabaho intindihan mo ba?" Nay pasing.

"Oho nay, tatandaan ko ho iyan."

"Alagaan niyo ho lagi ang sarili niyo at huwag kayo palagi magpapakapagod, kayo na lamang ho ang pamilya ko. K-kayo ni lolo." My voice crack again as i utter my lolo, how i missed him. Talagang napaka manhid ko na to the point that after all i haven't had the time of visiting him in his mansion. Kahit na matanda na ang lolo ay ayaw niyang dito tumira sa bahay dahil ayaw niyang iwanan ang ala ala nila lola sa mansion nila. My kasama naman siya doon mga trusted na personal nurses niya maids and bodyguards, my lolo became one of the tycoon billionaire all over the world, i am the only heirs because mom is the only daughter of them. Everyone thinks i am lucky enough, of course lucky because i have all the material things that world could ever offered, but i have one thing i don't have and i don't consider it as a thing only. But a happy and complete family. That's the truth and reality.

_______

Pababa na ako ng kotse ng biglang my nahagip ang aking mata. The Lamborghini infront of my car. At talagang sa gitna pa pumarada upang maka agaw atensyon ang peste. Nagsimula namang kumulo ang aking dugo at nabuhay ang irita sa aking loob. Who the hell is he thinks.

I was about to walk towards the car to check who's driver it is when suddenly my heart began to throb even faster. Saktong pababa rin ng kanyang sasakyan ang kanina sana'y aking co-komprontahin. F***k. A guy who wears a gray tuxido with a paired of gray trousers while wearing a black shades that covers his gorgeous eyes, he tucked his left hands that made him more handsome as f**k. The great arrogant is making some noise. Rinig ko ang tilian sa aking gilid harap at likod dahil sa makaagaw atensyon nitong ginagawa. He was currently standing at his Lamborghini while staring at me intently. Oh teka? Assuming ka te? Ikaw ba ang tinitingnan niya? Naka shades kaya siya duh! Sita ng aking kontrang isip. Ngunit ramdam ko ang tagos ng kanyang paninitig kahit na sabihin pang naka shades ito. The irritation was inevitable in me.

"What are you doing here,?" Mahina ngunit madiin kong tanong. I heard how he chortled softly but then he answered me teasingly.

"Uhm, asking you for a date.? He answered playfully. I was caught off guard when he uttered those words. My lips become parted as what he just said a while ago. Minutes had passed yet im still shocked until i hear a deep chuckles again made by him. Halos magpanting naman ang aking taenga dahil sa tindi ng tilian ng nasa aking paligid. He is really an asshole, does his mind is in place? F**k, i don't like this kind of scenery. Nakakahiya.

When i finally back at my state, i gave him a dagger looked like. He seems never bothered dahil nakuha niya pang ngitian ako ng pagkatamis tamis. Hanggang sa muli na namang nagtilian sa paligid namin. I had no choice but i need to shoo him away.

"Go away." I have no words to left. Halos mawalan din ako ng salita dahil sa tensyon. He grinned at me never minding of what's the consequence after this stupidity.

"No i wont, besides you can't shoo me away cause i've worked here also, so instead of wrangle me why not join me,?" He stated while playfulness was evident in his aura. Ahuh! You want some play huh. Wala na akong ibang maisip upang maisalba ang kahihiyan ngayong araw, hinatak ko ito patungong kotse niya at napasalampak na lamang ng upo sa passenger seat. I am furiously mad right now. Tila hindi naman siya nakapaniwala sa aking biglang paghatak sa kanya ngunit hindi na lamang ito umimik. Hanggang sa tuluyan na itong pumasok ng driver seat. When he is about to start the engine, he quickly stared at me. I rolled my eyes of what his doing, i am currently holding my tempered. F**k!

"Don't you dare devour my patience Mr. deleon, im not like those kind and generous b***h you used to know. What the hell are you up to?" I mumbled frustratedly. Parang nagulat naman ito sa aking sinabi ngunit agad din namang nakabawi. The playfulness aura of him turn into darkened and intimidating, napatiim bagang ito saka pinaharurot ng takbo ang sasakyan nito, di alintana ang mga sasakyang aming na o overtakehan. What the f**k is his problem.

"Are you trying to kill me?" I suddenly asked amidst of our fast and furious departure, his cold and dark eyes quickly darted on me. He looks mad, but why?

"No, unless you want me to." He said sarcastically. Seryuso ang mukha pagkasabi ng mga katagang iyon, kaya't imbis na kabahan mas lalo lamang akong napuyos sa galit dahil sa pagiging arogante nito. Marami pa akong dapat na aasikasuhin. Ni hindi ko pa nga ito mawaglit sa aking isipan na siyang dahilan ng aking pagiging helpless, ngunit ngayon nandito nanaman at talagang sinusubukang guluhin na naman ang diwa kong gulong gulo na ng dahil sakanya. Isang buwan itong hindi nagpakita at ngayon susulpot na lamang bigla. At take note, siya pa ang my ganang magalit ha. F**king goodness. Tumalim ang mga mata kong binalingan siya.

"Then do it. I don't care anymore, just do what the hell would pleases you, after all i am so tired and exhausted in everything. Kung ano man ang gusto mo gawin mo na." Bulyaw ko sa kanya. Nabigla naman ako sa biglaang pag hinto ng aming sinasakyan, halos masubsub pa ako sa dashboard mabuti lamang at mahigpit ang kapit ng seatbealt, talagang gusto ako nitong patayin ah. Sht!

"What's wrong with you huh? Bakit ba ganyan ka nalang kung manghusga sa akin? Ba't ba napakatigas mo?" I was caught off guard when i heard his frustrations, my heart rage faster than it's normal. I averted my gaze, hindi ako pwedeng paapekto na lang basta basta. I fake a laugh and stared directly into his cold eyes. I maintain my posture, i don't want him to see that i was affected by his presence.

"Why don't you ask that stupid question of yours mr.deleon? Ano ba talagang gusto mo huh? Matapos mong mawala na parang bula sa isang buwan? Tapos heto ka ngayon biglang susulpot na parang normal sa iyo ang mawala ng ganon ka tagal? You know what? Im so tired, tired of you. You make me feel uncomfortable, sleepless and insane. What the f**k did you do to make me feel this way?" I yelled at him while madness and furious was totally invaded me. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong magpakawala ng masagang luha dahil sa labis na frustration at pagkagalit sa kanya. Ngunit kahit na galit ang isip ko iba pa rin ang sinasabi ng puso ko. Seems like my heart wanted to see him despite of all the chaos he made.