Love and Pain

Chapter 1 The fluorescent light flickered, much to Xavier’s dismay. He’d replace the bulb himself but regulations required that building maintenance put in the lighting. He placed the work order more than a week before but the wheels of progress in the FBI crept like molasses on a frozen lake. The bare gray walls added to the monotony of his desk assignment with the lack of any decoration making the office more of jail cell than an analysis room. Here he sat: Xavier Benjamin Gooding. FBI agent. Field operative. Now? Desk jockey. He palmed his cell phone, checked the time. Jake should be on the orange line headed home to their condo in Fairfax. That is, if Jake took the train on time and didn’t have to transfer. He would text him to tell him that he would leave the complex in a half hour, but thick concrete walls prevented cell calls out. Plus, cell phone transmissions were banned when he should be analyzing data. Rules required him to turn off the cellular function when he stepped in the secure room. He looked at the phone by the computer but he knew it could be monitored. It wasn’t a secure line and calling on the phone was frowned upon for personal use anyway. He exhaled. Picking up the office phone shouldn’t be a big deal but he had made a conscious decision to be under the radar in transition in this new job. Everyone in the Tampa office knew he was gay. Since he arrived in Virginia though, he tried to keep his head down and demurred on revealing too much about himself with other agents on the floor in casual conversations. Quantico was just miles down the road and the less scrutiny he got from the multiple division and agency supervisors that floated here and there, the more he could keep a low profile until he get back in the field. His thumb cued the photo album app on his cell and he absentmindedly scrolled quickly then stopped at his favorite picture of them: taken a few months ago, standing with the Washington Monument in the background. The lighting flattered their pale features since the picture was taken at dusk. Jake, his brown hair slightly unkempt due to wind, smiled at the camera. Xavier stood, several inches taller, three days of stubble apparent, his arm around Jake with Xavier’s dirty blond hair tucked into a ball cap, his eyes obscured by Wayfarer sunglasses, as the angle flattered his broken nose. They were a cute gay couple in a city full of others like them. Xavier put the cell down. His TEMPEST approved computer, designed to prevent any electronic emissions or EMRs being detected, continued to compare lists provided by the NSA, CIA, DIA and his own bureau. Watch lists, terror lists, information on flight manifests, all this data required a human being to observe nothing was overlooked for analysis. As usual, his mind drifted while waiting for data to ping for review. Since he returned from Dubai almost over a year ago with Jake, his last minute gamble relegated him to pushing papers at a steel desk in a location most agents didn’t know about. Still Xavier didn’t regret his actions. Chasing Ivan Petrov, the man who killed Jake’s former boss, Anton Hersch, and Jake’s former lover, Noah, was worth it. Ivan, the scumbag, now sat behind bars in a federal moderate-risk penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest. Asking Jake to accompany him to Dubai was something he came up at the last minute. Something he winged because he didn’t want to let Jake go. Xavier hoped Jake’s help would lead to finding Ivan’s brother, a suspect in conspiracy to murder, racketeering, and a whole host of federal related crimes. If they had been successful, Xavier’s gamble would have paid off. But they weren’t. Ivan’s brother was still out there. Somewhere. Following their return from the United Arab Emirates, Xavier accepted a promotion and left Tampa with Jake following. The move gave Jake a chance to start over. Everything went well, but after arriving in Fairfax, FBI Quantico ran a cursory audit, which revealed the lack of the proper paperwork for taking Jake along to Dubai. Xavier got benched to non-field work. Still, Xavier wouldn’t have changed the plan. Dubai was worth it. Xavier closed his eyes and remembered their last night in the Middle East. The full moon on the Persian Gulf cast its light on the waters as Jake and Xavier each held a bottle of Heineken on the hotel balcony. Man-made islands in the shape of palms were lit below them as they talked about their lives. Xavier’s childhood in Minnesota. Jake’s memories of Chelsea, his daughter, being held for the first time in the hospital after her birth. In the moonlight, Jake’s blue eyes were obscured but Xavier sensed Jake’s loneliness. They kissed, slowly at first then passionately. He knew then, when his heart raced as they kissed that he never wanted the feeling to end. Love. What else would explain these crazy thoughts I get when I see him? A slight smile formed on Xavier’s lips as he reached down to his leather attaché and his fingers searched for the small box. With his thumb and index finger he opened it and felt the ring inside. Anxiety overcame him. Shit! What if he says no? Xavier exhaled. He looked on the calendar on his cell and tried to determine when he should pop the question. He put out from his mind the fear that caused his throat to tense, his brow to furrow. He knew the exact restaurant in Georgetown where he would propose. Since Valentine’s was two weeks away, he jotted down a note on a Post-it to remind himself to call ahead and make sure there was a quiet, romantic table for two. Now if only proposing to Jake would be as easy as planning the dinner.