HE WAS COLD LIKE WINTER

CHAPTER 4: THE FIRST AWKWARD SORRY I’VE HEARD FROM HIM

(Andi's POV)

Back then, school has been my second home. It became my escaping ground after mom died and eventually dad distance himself from me. The joy and happiness somehow heal my broken soul. I experienced a lot of the first time in my life. It’s my first time going camping with other people and sleep outside from home. It’s my first time cooking my meal even if I got burnt. It’s my first time to cry just because I got a bruise on my knees after tumbling down on a race. It was irritating at first but those make me laugh quietly. But of all the first time that I experienced, what I love is my first time to like someone. It’s not the kind of like you have with your friends. Its liking someone that seeing him makes your heart flutters.

But after the commotion at school, I don’t think I still got that to experience more first times in my life. I don’t have the face to see them especially him. His eyes felt like a sword into my soul. He looked at me as if I did wrong. Of all the people, he should be the first one to know that I did not do it. And yes, of all the people, he was the first one to doubt me. The more it became too hurtful.

No matter how my alarm sounds loudly, I didn’t get off my bed. I covered myself with my blanket and turn off the alarm. I don’t have the drive to wake up and go to school. My body is too tired to move. Or maybe it was just my mind. Because even in the past, no matter how sick I was, I make it a point to go to school. I could even have a perfect attendance award for it. But now, I have to break my record. I have to skip school today and I don’t know if until when.

My phone has been ringing. My friends have been calling me endlessly. But I didn’t answer any of it. I’m just too disgusted with myself. For being stupid and not walking away first when Zac glared at me. I should have walked away. I should be the first one to leave. I shouldn’t let him belittle me just because I like him and he rejected me. I shouldn’t let him mock me. I’m a Cruz and Cruz isn’t a coward. But now I became one.

“Andi! Wake up!” Nanny called. “You’ll be late for school if you will not get up now. Hurry!”

But I didn’t answer back. I pretended to be sleeping. I remained quiet as possible. I calm my breathing. Nanny knew if I was just pretending or not because of my breathing pattern whenever I’m not comfortable or if I’m just faking it. Over the years she’s been with us, she knew me at all even my nuisances. She’s like a mother who has instincts whenever her child is not feeling well or in danger. Well, she became my second mom. Honestly, this is my first time lying to her. And I’m not feeling good about it.

“Why?” She softly asked as she was seated on my bed. “Is there something wrong? Are you not feeling well? Are you sick?”

I was about to answer back. Luckily, I withheld myself. I don’t want to add worry to her. Besides, it’s not like I can run away from school forever. I have to get up from this bed and eventually go to school. But not today. I’m just not feeling good about myself.

“It’s okay, Andi. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it now. It’s okay. But your dad is here. He wanted to have breakfast with you. He’s waiting at the table. You know it’s not a good thing to make the food wait, right?” She explained.

I slowly uncover myself and held Nanny’s hands. As soon as she saw my downcast face, she hugged me. By then my emotions exploded. I couldn’t stop crying. Whenever I see her face, I couldn’t pretend. Maybe because she’s comfortable to be with. I feel at ease whenever I’m with her.

“It’s okay.” She comforted me. “So, you’ve been feeling down just because of that?”

I nodded while wiping my tears.

“You’ll be going to face a lot of those when you grow up especially when you’re going to the university. It’s not like people will easily like you. Nor you’ll be everyone’s cup of tea. Every human being is different. There will always be someone who will annoy you, who will get into your nerves and makes your blood boils. But that should not be a hindrance for you to stop living. Nor that should not give you a reason to love them and be friends with them. Everyone has innate goodness. It’s just a matter of how we discover it.” She added.

“But…” I was about to reason out. But nanny gave me her usual look whenever I feel disgusted and disappointed. It’s her way of telling me to embrace even the imperfection of life as well as the people I will meet along my journey. She knew when to give me push. She knew when to scold me and when to comfort me.

That’s why I managed to get off my bed and started to prepare for school. As I went downstairs, I fix myself as well as my face. Dad will be joining me in breakfast. It’s the first time after all those passing years. I felt uneasy as I approached the table and grab a seat. I wasn’t used to this feeling. I don’t if I’m happy to finally have breakfast with him. Or if I’m too tired to feel anything with him around.

Ever since mom died, dad distance himself from me. I rarely saw him in the house. Although I knew he was busy with his business, I knew he intended it to be. He busied himself because he doesn’t want to see me. I was so young back then that I would cry whenever I missed him. But as the days passed by, I let myself be insensitive so that I won’t expect too much from him. To keep me from hurting, I told myself all the lies I wanted to believe. That he’s just really busy. That he’s struggling to cope up with mom’s passing. That it is his way of continuing living despite the pain. And eventually, if get used to it.

“Good morning dad!” I greeted him with a soft tone.

“Good morning.” He replied. “Why are you just getting so long to come down? You know it’s not a good thing to make the food wait. It’s bad luck.” He added while reading those newspapers on his hands.

“Yes. I’m sorry.” I apologized.

“Sure. Eat up. You’ll be late for school. I’ll be the one to drop you.” He uttered.

“What?” I said with utter shock.

Back then, even if I begged him to drop me at school, he won’t. He always comes up with numerous excuses. And I get used to it. That’s why I feel surprised after hearing it out from him. Something’s not right about this situation. Something’s off. And my instincts won’t fail me, never.

“Why?” I asked. “Why are you suddenly acting like a dad? Why now? Why not back then?”

“Well, I’m not busy at work these days. I already finished all the meetings. The remaining ones are not really of priority. So, it’s okay to set them aside for the meantime. And besides, I know I’m been too far lately. I’ve realized it’s time to make it up to you.” He thoroughly expressed.

“I’m sorry but that doesn’t excite me anymore. I just don’t want myself to expect too much from you.” I said. “I’m off for school. You don’t have to drop me. I’ll be going with Cloe for today. Goodbye!”

I know dad has been reaching out to me lately. And I’d love that. I’m praying for that, when I was very young back then—a few days after mom left. But now, I don’t know why I’m doubting his sincerity. Maybe I was just able to train myself well enough not to easily fall for his sudden parent act.

At school.

While walking towards our classroom, I was a bit downcast. I don’t want to go to school after what happened. My steps felt heavy. I feel like people’s eyes are on me. Their CTTV watching every move I make.

“Hi! Andi.” Cloe called from behind. “Are you okay?”

“No.” I sadly replied.

“Hey! Don’t take it seriously,” Cloe added. “It’s okay. It’s not like the end of the world. Plus, I’ll be watching a sports festival at St. Paul Academy next week. You know, the exclusive school for boys. There are a lot of hot guys in that school. I have a cousin from that school. I’ll ask for his help to set you up with a cute guy from his classmate.” She brags.

“I’m not in the mood right now.” I protested.

“Are you sure?” She enticingly added. “Here. Take a look.” She handed her phone.

I was about to take a glance at the pictures from her phone when Ethan gullibly came leading me to drop Cloe’s phone. His grand entrance always caused me a lot of trouble. Cloe’s phone landed near the door of our classroom. Luckily, no one-step foot on it, and there was no serious damage.

“Hey!” I scolded him but he ran so quickly avoiding some of my punches.

We were running in the hallway. Like, little children, we were laughing our hearts out. We don’t mind other people watching us. And for a moment, I forgot my sadness. Ethan knows how to make me smile.

But I suddenly stop when I saw Zac standing near the door. He picked up the phone and giving me the same look as yesterday when he saw the pictures on Cloe’s phone. Our eyes locked for a moment. But I quickly grip myself. I raise my head looking proud and walked closer to him. I won’t let him belittle me again. I snatched the phone confidently and stared at him from head to toe. He was about to leave then when I stopped him from doing so.

“Stop!” I shouted and grab him back to his first standing position. “Perfect!” I proudly uttered. “You’re always enjoying your grand exit lately.” I annoyingly commented. I walked past him while waving my hair and ending my grand exit with a fierce look. 

Looking at his reaction, I guess he was shocked. I was laughing in my mind. “That’s better. He should know his place, damn jerk. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Andrea Cruz!” Our teacher shouted and everyone was staring at me. “Please sit down.” He ordered.

“Yes!” I hurriedly went to my table. I can’t believe this damn stupid disgust has made me hallucinate things.

“Listen everyone. Our school will be having a sports event next month. And every class is required to participate. I’ll be expecting your warmest participation, okay?” Mr. Lim resounded.

“Yes!” We all cheered up.

“We’ll be shortening the class hours in the afternoon by two hours to give you ample time to prepare for the sports event. You can list down your names on the sheet I handed down to your Class President for any event you want to join. Okay?” He added. “That will be all for today. Have fun but stay healthy, okay?”

“Yes!” We cheerfully answered.

Everyone is busy jotting down their names on the master list. I guess everyone is excited to participate in this year’s sports event. Well, who wouldn’t have to? It’s one of the most awaited school events every year. We don’t just have a week break from our assignments and tedious school works but a week to bond and have fun with our classmates and schoolmates. It’s a week filled with laughter and smiles despite all the bruises and scars you will get after carelessly rolling and stumbling into the ground just to win the game. It’s also a week where girls like me can cheer their hearts out for their crushes. Well, I bet you know what I mean. We’re like fangirls with our fandoms. And a memory like that should not be missed in high school.

“Zac!” Amanda suddenly walked towards him. “Are you joining the second-year basketball team? You’ll be a great addition for us to win the championship. Well, we could have won it last year’s championship if not for some worthless and loser someone out there who purposely knows how to ruin everything.”

I was about to stop her from mocking me when Zac suddenly stood out. He stared at Amanda with some sort of seriousness on his face.

“Hey!” He strongly uttered. “What did you say?”

And from the tone of his voice, he’s not bluffing at all. It was as if he’s defending me. I was really surprised to see him that way. It was the first time he stood out for me. Normally, he would just sit around and continue reading. He will just ignore the happenings around his surroundings. That’s why I don’t know how to react and what to feel. This kind of emotion is somehow new to me. Just like how my dad is behaving recently, so has he. I didn’t expect that from him. I would have expected Cloe or Ethan to defend me. But for him? None at all. Not even a percent.

“Nothing.” Amanda spluttered. “Here! I brought you some fruits. Eat this so that you can be healthy especially for this upcoming sports event. We’ll cheer for you the loudest.”

“Such a sly fox!” I told myself.

I gazed at Zac but after seeing he was looking at me too. I quickly avoided his eyes and turn my attention on Cloe. I flawlessly asked her about anything I could think of. I can’t believe I felt some awkwardness around him. Maybe because his sudden knight-in-shining-armor act has somehow calmed my raging heart. His simple act made my heart flutters for a moment.

Then, the school bell ring. It’s lunch break. The perfect timing to break from that sudden awkwardness.

Just like our usual routine, we eat our lunch together. But this time around, we had a divided table. Ethan, Cloe, and me on the right side of the table while Zac and Liam on the left. Though we are seated at the same table, someone can tell that something’s going on between me and Zac. We’re like South and North Korea. And the DMZ line that peacefully helps us to coexist with each other is our friends.

“Hey!” Ethan announced. “What about some weekend getaway this Saturday?”

“What?” We chorused.  And burst into laughter.

“I already asked my mom about it. And she said yes. We can go to our rest house in Batangas. We have a huge pool there. There’s also a nearby beach. We can go swimming and campfire at night while toasting some hotdog and have some smores, too. What do you think?”

“Hey!” I excitedly uttered. “That would be so fun. I’m in.”

“Me, too,” Cloe added.

“Pinch me on that. I will bring my beach volleyball so that we can have a beat under the sun.” Liam resounded. 

Then, they looked at Zac—with the look of what about you. He was eating silently. Well, that’s his normal self. Every time we talked and shared almost anything we can think of for the moment, he will just remain quiet. Even if you will ask him, it’s either he will smile or walk out. Sometimes, I wondered if a person like him does exist. I mean even the shyest and introverted person in the world would become talkative when surrounded by the right people.

“I can’t go.” Zac apologized.

“What?” Liam sighed. “Why can’t you come with us? It’s Saturday. No school. It’s on weekend.”

“I’m sorry.” He sounded so sad.

The excitement we had earlier suddenly changed. Well, even if we’re not good with each other, it wouldn’t be nice to go without him. He’s part of our group. And besides, I know how much he loved swimming. Aside from basketball, swimming was his outlet to express his sadness—his deepest emotions. I’ve witnessed that from him when his father suddenly left them without any note and any goodbye to him. I’ve witnessed how swimming made him happy even for a short time. And it’s not just his hobby but he’s a good swimmer. If he wouldn’t pursue basketball, he’ll have another shot in swimming. With his expertise and skills, he can be an Olympian in no time.

 At that moment, I wanted to ask him why. I feel like there’s more to his simple sorry. And there’s more to his silent reaction. But I withheld myself. I thought I’m not yet ready to reach out to him. I still feel disgusted about how his effortless care towards Amanda and how he hastily nagged me for the things I didn’t do. To him, I’m like a troublemaker.

Afterward, we were walking our way out of the school. Cloe attended her after-school tutorial while Liam was fetched by their family driver. Ethan and I walked slowly while Zac was a distance ahead of us. I couldn’t stop feeling worried about him. I saw that eyes from before. I feel like something’s going on with him.

“Hey!” Ethan mused. “Are you okay? Something’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” I replied.

It was a pretentious reply. Because honestly, something’s bothering me—something about Zac. But I managed not to tell Ethan about it. And besides, I don’t think I can ask Zac about this matter.

Weekend came. The day we much awaited for. A weekend getaway to the rest house of the Manansala. And the weather was like in harmony with our mood to enjoy and have fun under the beach. It was me, Ethan, Cloe, and Liam. We were hoping Zac would change his mind, but he did not. The night before our trip, I couldn’t sleep a wink of an eye. I wanted to call him and tell him whatever he’s going through, let the sea wash away all those worries and trouble. Just like the old days. But then again, I withheld myself. 

Meanwhile, the rest house of the Manansala was great. We were amazed by its location. The vicinity was secured and safe to enjoy privately. The ambiance of the house was very welcoming. The caretakers were also very accommodating and friendly. But the best part was the beach. From the veranda of the house, you can see the crystal clear blue sea and the long white sand seashore. It was a paradise on Earth. Anyone couldn’t stop being mesmerized by its beauty.

As soon as we saw it, we immediately run towards the beach leaving our things scattered in the living area. We couldn’t stop our excitement and thrill. We were playing endlessly. Running. Throwing some seawater on each other. Laughing. Until we laid down on the sand after feeling tired. We closed our eyes and feel the sea breeze. We couldn’t stop smiling. Indeed, the sea has a way of calming anyone’s soul. Then I thought, it would be great if Zac was here as well.

It was already late in the afternoon where we start to set up our tents on the sea coast. Cloe and I were helping each other so as Liam and Ethan. After setting it up, we eat our dinner by the beach. A perfect seafood cuisine was served to us. Our eyes rolled into surprise seeing how big the lobsters and crabs were. The shrimps and the fish was also enticing from its plating. We’re like drooling just by the look of it. 

“Hey! You’re awesome.” Liam complimented Ethan. “I want to be friends with you now.”

“Hey! Aren’t you friends already?” Cloe teased Liam.

“Yes! But I want to be your closest friend. I want to be your buddy.” Liam added while hugging Ethan as if he won’t let him go. That made us burst into laughter.

After having our dinner, we laid down on the coastline before sleeping in our designated tents. We watched the night sky while the bonfire heats our cold body. It’s like a natural heater. And on top of it, we roasted some hotdogs and marshmallows. Liam was busy guarding the roasting process to make sure it won’t get burnt. Cloe, on the other hand, was talking to her mom on the phone. It’s the first time she’ll be sleeping outside their home with other people. Although her mom was relieved to know that I’m with her daughter on this weekend trip, she can’t stop calling every hour to check on her. Maybe that’s just how parents are. While Ethan and I watched the night sky closely.

He told me some stories about his childhood especially his memory with his biological mother whom he just recently got in touch with after not seeing her when he lived with his dad. I can’t believe the smiling and happy-go-lucky guy has a sad past. But the way he narrates his story, I couldn’t feel any sadness at all. Yes, it was sad being away from his mom. But I can feel how much they loved each other that even distance cannot separate that kind of love. I was about to share my story as well when my phone ring.

I thought it was Nanny because she told me earlier that she’ll be calling me at night time. But it was Zac’s mom—Tita Beth. I wondered why would she called me during this hour.

I answered her call. Even before she could finish talking, I immediately run towards outside the rest house. Ethan rush behind me. I couldn’t explain what was happening because what matters to me is Zac. Tita Beth called to ask me about Zac’s whereabouts. They argued in the morning. That’s why Zac walked away. But she didn’t expect that Zac won’t be home even during this time. She’s been worried since Zac won’t answer any of her calls.

I called Zac’s phone but he won’t answer. I was walking forward and back relentlessly as I was so worried about him. My instincts tell me something’s going on with him. And what’s killing me right now is I can’t get hold of him.

“Get in,” Ethan called while riding their family car. Thankfully, their family driver was also present in the rest house. “You can’t ride any cab no matter how much you wait here patiently. It’s a secluded area. Plus, it’s getting late.”

“But…” I hesitated for a while. I don’t want to ruin Ethan’s plan of enjoying this weekend. That’s why I leave without saying anything because I don’t want him to worry and change his mood to enjoy and have fun.

“Please!” Ethan insisted.

While in the car, I can’t stop feeling agitated. This is the second time Zac is setting up a wall from other people. He’ll just walk away without anyone’s knowledge leaving his family worried deeply. I’ve been calling him nonstop but he won’t answer any of those.

“It’s okay. We’ll be going to find him.” Ethan declared.

I was left in awe as to how he would know despite not telling him exactly what’s bothering me and whom I’m looking for.

“Hey! I know that look.” Ethan commented. You might be wondering how I know that what’s bothering you… Oh! Let me rephrased it. Who’s bothering you? I don’t know exactly how I come up with assumptions. Maybe because I happen to see you with that same look on your face. And I know it was about Zac. I don’t know the whole story but all I know is you’ll going to find him.”

“Thank you,” I uttered.

Then suddenly, I remembered Zac getting a call from someone. I don’t know exactly who he was talking but I feel like it has something to do with his dad.

“Do you have any idea or any place he frequently goes whenever he’s going through something?” Ethan asked.

“The new condominium building built in the city. Whenever we passed that place, he would always pause for a while and stared as if he’s waiting for someone to get out of that building.” I explained.

So we headed out to that place. And there he was. Standing outside the front entrance of the building. As I draw closer, I saw him watching with those sad eyes to someone inside the building. I cannot see clearly who he was looking at thoroughly so I draw closer to him. When I was standing just a few inches from him, I saw Zac’s dad. Now I know why he’s been so unfocused these past few days.

Now I feel so terrible about myself for not being so understanding towards him. I should have not let my pride ruled over my emotions. I should have stayed on his side especially now that he needed someone to listen to him.

I couldn’t stop my cry. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for him. Because of my not-so-quiet cry, Zac suddenly turns his back.

“Andi?” He called. “What are you doing here?”

I didn’t answer him instead I hug him. “I’m sorry.” I cried.

After finally being sobered, we were seated on a bench.

“I’m sorry.” I talked first.

“Why are you being sorry?” Zac asked. “It’s not like it’s your fault my dad left us. It’s not like it’s your fault why my parents decided to live separately.”

“I’m sorry, Zac. I should have understood that you’re going through something. I should have stayed by your side. I should have been a friend just like how you stayed beside me when my mom died.” I explained.

“No. I should be the one to say sorry.” Zac commented. “I’m sorry for hurting you with my words. I’m sorry for making you feel like I’m mad at you. These past few days, I’ve been really bad. I’m sorry.”