Adira's Journey

Out of Place

**Adira's POV**

Growing up, I was always alone. Always on the move. I killed the men responsible for taking my mother from me. I killed men who thought they could take advantage of me because I was a young girl. I killed and killed, and soon lost sight of who I was. I still have not figured that out. Some nights I look up at the sky and wonder if my mother still watches me. Would she hate what I turned into? Would she understand it? I am a monster to my enemies but a good person to those closest to me. Both could be wrong. Both could be right. I don't know because I am having the struggle of figuring out exactly who I am and what I want to do with my life. 

My brother, the King of all werewolves, has told me repeatedly that I am home. It does not feel that way though. I am comfortable, I know I am safe, but I do not feel like this is where I am meant to be. Like this is just a stop in my life's journey and I need to go out and venture. But how can I think of leaving behind a family that I just found? A brother, father, a nephew and niece I adore, and even a pack that seemed to warm up to me rather quickly. Yet, my heart is not here. It's out there somewhere. But am I brave enough to go out and find it? I am strong physically but what about emotionally? 

It's another night patrol and I slowly walk along the tree line, hidden in the shadows. The night air is cold against my skin but it doesn't bother me. The wind picks up and whips my long, black hair across my face so I tie it in a low ponytail. I hear a sound behind me and turn around quickly into a fighting stance. 

"Calm down, tiger." He laughs. I roll my eyes and relax. "I just wanted to come see if you wanted company." 

"I'm fine, Zeke." I tell my best friend. The one guy here who hasn't been trying to 'tame' me. "I just want to be alone."

"Yeah, you've been like that a lot lately. What's going on?" He leaned against a tree across from me, his light green eyes glowing in the moon light. Zeke is a great guy, handsome and out going. But I feel nothing for him. He drives every she-wolf crazy except me. "I'm your friend, Adira. You can talk to me."

I sighed and looked up at the glowing moon. The words were at the tip of my tongue but I wasn't ready to say them out loud. At least not until I talked to my brother. "Another time, Zeke. I have to finish my patrol shift." I gave him a sad smile and then started to walk away. 

"I'll come with." He ran up next to me but I stopped him in his tracks with a warning growl. "Don't push me away. You can't isolate yourself, it isn't healthy."

"I'm fine. Please. I just need to get my thoughts straight." I could tell he didn't want to leave me alone, but he finally gave in and ran home. 

The hours ticked by slowly, giving me time to gain the courage to finally have the conversation I need with my brother. Things have been so great for him that I kept putting off what I need so I wouldn't rain on his parade. But I couldn't sit around and keep waiting while my life passed me by. He had a pack, a family. It was time that I did what made me happy. Or at least try and find some sense of belonging. All I know is that I don't belong here. 

When the sun started finally peeking through the tops of the tall trees, signaling the end of my shift, I ran towards the guard tower and was relieved immediately by the next person. On my way to my studio apartment, people bowed to me in respect. I never understood why. Being the King's little sister didn't mean I was royalty in any way. Being one of the combat trainers didn't give me a rank. I hope they didn't fear me. My deep red eyes could be intimidating, along with the rather large mark on my hand and arm of all the souls I have taken, but I never once hurt anyone here. I never would. 

Along the way I ran into my sister in law, Amelia. The Queen of all werewolves and a very blessed wolf herself. I put up my mask, but she was always the one to be able to see passed it. I am sure it is more of a sister in law thing rather than one of her many gifts. 

"Adira, when are you going to give up on trying to put on a brave face in front of me?" She smiled and pulled me into a hug. 

"When you stop looking passed the brave face and let me just fake smile." I sighed and we started walking to my apartment side by side.

"I'll stop looking passed it when the smile on your face is genuine." She looked at me from the side of her eye and frowned. "You should talk to Roman. I know he will not be happy, but you cannot keep putting his happiness before your own."

"How did you-"

"Because even I can see that you are suffocating here. You're miserable, Adira, and I hate seeing you like this." She stood in front of me and held both my hands in hers. I wanted to crumble and cry, something I only felt when I was with her. She could easily tear down my walls and make me want to be vulnerable. I hated it, but was thankful there was one person I had a relationship like this with. "I'll help you. I even have an idea." She smiled brightly which lifted my mood instantly. "Go home and rest. I will come see you for lunch and we can start planning your getaway." 

After a short hug, she went on her way to the pack hospital where she spends most of her mornings volunteering. I went inside my building and straight to my shower. The hot water released the tension in my body and relaxed my muscles. I have been so stressed out lately that my whole body has been knotted up. 

(You wouldn't be knotted up if you had a little fun with Zeke. I bet he could loosen some muscles up.) 

My wolf, Bedelia, chimed in my head. She was always trying to get me to get closer to my best friend, but I felt no attraction to him. Not even enough to just have some fun. Even though it seems foolish to hold off for a mate I may never find, may not even have, I can't find it in myself to feel anything for Zeke other than friendship. I believe my wolf is just tired of feeling alone and is longing for something. 

(If you doubt we will find a mate, if you doubt we even have one, then why not give him a chance? You know he would never hurt us, and his wolf and I feel something for one another. It wouldn't hurt to try. He could be our destiny.)     And what if his mate pops up one day while we are trying to have more? We would only be hurting ourselves if we do end up loving him. 

(Better to have love and lost-)     No, it's better to have not loved at all and to not feel that pain. Please, 'Lia, I already have enough to deal with. I don't want to worry about this too. 

I felt her retreat and I turned off the hot water and wrapped a towel around my body and another in my hair. The shower was supposed to relax me, but now I was angry because of my wolf. Why did she always have to bring up Zeke in that way? Ever since we met him when we arrived here, my wolf has had her eye on him. I know a part of him feels the same way, but he has been decent enough to respect my space. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt myself. It was just better if I didn't fall in love with my best friend. There was no possible good that could come from it. 

I dressed in simple basketball shorts and a sports bra, then went to my little kitchen and fixed me a quick breakfast. After I ate and cleaned up, I went to lay down in my bed. The sun was higher in the sky, so I pushed the button on the remote I had on my bedside which closed the shades on my windows and darkened my apartment. I settled under my blankets and tried to even out my breathing and relax. 

Sleep would not come. I cleared my head, did my deep breathing and my body was relaxed, but I could not fall asleep. I didn't feel overly anxious. Not more than usual. 

(Adira. What if we are meant to be alone?)    What do you mean?

(I mean. What if Roman was the exception? Father never found a mate, never even sensed he had one. We do not sense our 'other half'. You know all the evil we have done, all the lives we have taken. What if we never find the one man we are made for? That is made for us? What if our punishment for all our wrongs is to venture out into the world, never feeling like we are home. Never feeling satisfied with our life?)     

I didn't know how to answer Bedelia. It was a concern I had as well, but I tried not to think about it. It only upset us more, made us difficult to be around, and being isolated only made the loneliness worse. I hated wondering what my life was meant for. Another concern I had was the Moon Goddess. Does she hate me? Do I sicken her? My whole destiny is in her hands, and that is terrifying. At the flick of her wrist she can take away anyone, anything I care for. She can punish me for the murders I committed, maybe this unsettledness is the punishment. The uncertainty. 

(We at least have to try. Have to try and find a purpose, a sense of happiness and feeling like we belong somewhere. If we do not try that'll always be the big question. The 'what if' will haunt us every day.)     I know. The harder part is making Roman understand. 

(He can never understand. He has known his destiny since he was four. Known his mate since he was a child and had her within reach every single day of his life. He couldn't possibly understand this feeling of emptiness and pain. THAT is what he needs to understand, that he cannot understand. Therefore, needs to let us make our own path.)     I know you are right. He is also my brother though. My family. What if something happens here and because I was so selfish to leave, I can't help? I would never forgive myself if-

(Our brother is a demon wolf and the king of all werewolves. A strong man with an army of wolves at his beck and call from all around the world. His wife is a blessed wolf with powers and strength that cannot be measured. They will be fine, Adira. It is time we take care of us.)

A knock at my door interrupted us and I already knew who it was. "Come in." I shouted. I don't bother locking the door most days. Only an i***t with a death wish would try to break in and harm me. 

Amelia came in with a pep in her step and my niece and nephew in each arm. "Hey, Adira. We didn't wake you did we?" I shook my head and the kids ran into my arms. "Girl, you need a bigger place." She looked around my studio apartment. "I don't know how you are okay with your kitchen, living room, and bedroom being all in the same room. There is no privacy." She scrunched her nose together. 

"I don't need anything bigger. It is just me." I sighed and hugged my nephew and niece tight. "It'll probably only ever be me." I whispered under my breath. 

"No it won't." Amelia looked at me sadly, then she quickly cheered up. "I have a plan."

She sat down at the end of my bed and crossed her legs, looking at me excitedly. An hour later and I had to laugh at her idea. "You're crazy." I shook my head. "He would never allow it. Even though I have been out on my own since I was a child, he now sees himself as my bog brother who needs to protect me. He will never let me out of his sight, let alone be wondering across the country."

"Well, it's the best thing I've got. Maybe he would be more willing if you asked Zeke to go along as well." She raised her eyebrows. Great now she was trying to play match maker. She laughed at my expression and pushed my shoulder playfully. "I see the way he looks at you when you aren't paying attention. That man loves you."

I sighed and looked over at the kids who were now watching cartoons on my tablet. I tried to imagine a future with Zeke. A family and kids. Even though it brought a small smile to my lips, imagining I would ever be lucky enough to have kids of my own, I couldn't see it happening with him. Not Zeke. 

"At least it would give Roman some comfort knowing you had someone who cares about you looking out for you." Amelia added on. Now that made more sense. "The kids and I are going over to see your dad. Roman is in a meeting but it should be over in about an hour. Then he is free until we have dinner as a family. This is your opportunity to make him see that your happiness matters."

"You're going to make me face him alone?" I whined and she giggled. "Come on you know he would be more convinced if you were there, working that mate bond to make him feel more relaxed."

She shook her head back and forth while she stood up and laughed. "Come on, kids. Auntie Adira needs to get dressed for her talk with daddy." She looked at me again and I tried my best to put on a pleading face but it failed. "Sorry. You're on your own with that one. If you want him to take you seriously, I can't be chaperoning you."

"Ugh. Fiiiiiine." I groaned. I got up to walk them to the door and gave everyone another hug. "Thank you Amelia. My brother has no idea how lucky he is to have you."

She hugged me tight and grabbed onto one hand of both little ones. "One day you'll fall in love and I will be saying the same thing about him not knowing how lucky he is to have you." 

After Amelia left I decided to get dressed. There was no point in laying back down, sleep was not going to come. I dressed in black ripped skinny jeans, black combat boots, a grey muscle shirt and I tied my hair in a high bun. My signature look. I don't bother with make up. I don't like the stuff and hate the way it feels on my skin. Amelia says I don't need it anyways. Once she made a joke that it was some type of witchcraft to look like I already had a 'no make up' make up look naturally on. Whatever that means. 

I left my apartment and walked straight over to the pack house. I tried to get what I wanted straight in my head. Just the basics. I'm happy he is happy, but really I am unhappy and I want to go out into the world and be my own person and self discover. Blah blah blah. I felt a little foolish. And the more I thought about it, I actually started to get mad at myself. 

I love my brother and I am grateful for him opening his pack to me and allowing me to be a part of his family, but I have been taking care of myself since before I even hit puberty. Why was I going to ask permission to leave? To live my life? When did I ask permission to do anything I wanted? 

Feeling a little bit more like my old self, I marched up the stairs and down the halls to my brother's office. I raised my hand to knock but it was already opening. A few pack fighters came out along with Zeke and Zeke's father. When Zeke saw me his eyes lit up, but his father looked down at me. As usual. He didn't like that his son was always around me. 

'It isn't proper to be around an unmated woman so much. What will your mate think?' I heard him scold Zeke one night when I was meeting him for a run. After that I tried to not be around him so much, but he made that difficult. 

"Adira." My brother saw me. "Come in, little sister." We walked into his office and he sat at his desk while I decided to stand. "How are you? Why the random visit?" He smiled lovingly. 

Unable to take it anymore I decided to get right to the point. "My brother, I love you but I am leaving. Tomorrow."