Adira's Journey

Leaving

**Adira's POV**

Zeke and I trained our small team of five, hard for three weeks. We brushed up on combat fighting, defense and tracking. I was very pleased with the guys that were on my team because they showed they were committed. There was Viktor, Peter, Nicholas, Daniel, and Eric. I didn't really like Nicholas, he was too full of himself but he was a very talented tracker. Daniel and Eric were brothers and they mostly kept to themselves, but were polite. Peter was a great fighter but he sometimes got over confident and would lose focus. Viktor was a wild card. He could be your greatest ally one moment and then your enemy the next. Viktor had a short fuse and his wolf was even worse. The great thing about that was he knew how to channel his anger so he was useful in a fight. 

My brother wanted us to take at least five more people, but it would only cause more chaos and frustration. We needed to be able to stay on the move fast and be able to not stand out with such a big crowd. We leave in the morning and I couldn't be more excited for it. I was ready to see more than these lands, more than the same faces, and just feel like my old self again. But I was also nervous. Zeke and I have not been close or talked since that day he asked me to give him a chance. We had been so busy getting ready for these missions that we haven't had any down time. I was thankful for that, needing time to absorb it all, but really all I did was avoid the whole situation. Now we were fixing to spend a whole lot of time together, sometimes alone, and I was still not prepared for it. 

My bag was packed and by the door. Being on the move a lot growing up, I have learned to minimize. Seven tank tops, four shorts and three pants, socks, panties, extra pair of shoes and travel size toiletries. I don't bother with bras too much, they are too uncomfortable and inconvenient. I managed to fit everything I need into one duffel and was ready to go as soon as possible. 

There was a knock on my door and I looked at the clock. Ten at night. I answered the door and was surprised to see my brother on the other side. He smiled at me sadly and I stepped aside to let him in. "Missed you at dinner." He simply said as he walked passed me. 

I closed the door and spun around to face him. "I wasn't hungry. Plus I wanted to make sure I packed everything I needed."

"You're lying." Roman sat on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. "You're a minimalist. I bet you have been packed since I gave you your departure date."

I shrugged my shoulders, not bothering to try and play it off. "Guilty." I sighed. "What is it, Roman? Try to stop by and change my mind?"

After the first day of training, Roman started trying to convince me to stay here. He made promises about sending me on another team, a more political team, but I knew he was lying. He likes to handle the political side of things to show he is focused in his role as the werewolf king. It was much appreciated to hear from the King or Queen themselves when there was a major issue instead of having to go through so many annoying channels. Roman's borderline harassments started to get so bad that I started to ignore him all together and stopped going to dinner at the pack house. It makes sense that he would try one more time. 

"No." He looked at the floor sadly. "Amelia may have finally got it through my skull that I can't act like the over protective brother when you have already grown up." Roman looked up at me and I saw tears in his eyes. I loved my brother and I envied how string he was. Never afraid to express himself and never saw it as a weakness. "When I found out I had a baby sister I felt like a failure. Because you have experienced so much pain and I couldn't shield you from any of it. I guess I want to try and protect you from any more possible pain, but I should know already that you can handle anything. You don't need a father, you need a brother. Someone to support you and help you. Not hold you back from living your life and doing whatever you need to find your happiness. I love you, Adira. I want you safe, and I need to trust you more."

I felt a huge weight being lifted off my chest. I didn't want to leave with any issues unresolved between me and my brother. I just didn't know how to make him understand. Now that that was settled, I could leave here with not feeling like I had anything weighing on my mind. Except there was one other thing that I was worried about that I have not said out loud. What was going to happen if I never wanted to come back? Maybe I don't find my place in the world but maybe I do not have one? Maybe I am meant to always be on the move and that was not entirely a bad thing. I would just have to wait and see. 

Roman and I chatted a little more about the missions. The sure places we were going and the top things we needed to address with the leadership when we got there. He made it very clear that I do not have to take any orders from anyone, that I was higher rank even if they were once an Alpha. Have been Alphas were still not used to the idea of not really having a say in how they ran their packs. Especially the ones whose rules Roman and Amelia changed. 

There was a pack out in Nevada that was angry that they were forced to change the structure of how they had things. Omegas were automatically made servants for the higher rankings and the higher rankings would automatically reject their mate if they were from an Omega family. If someone chose not to reject their omega mate then they would lose their status and be thrown out of their rank and made into a servant. 

There was another pack in Louisiana that would force unmated she wolves to 'service' their fighters until she found her mate. If the she wolf were to find her mate, she would most likely be rejected since she was seen as 'used'. It led to a lot of suicides by young she wolves, sometimes even before the age of eighteen. In fear they would be used and then tossed aside. 

A rumor was going around that there were a few packs who were not following the new changes. That made Roman and Amelia very mad because it is not like the changes were unreasonable. They ensured that everyone was treated fairly. No matter the family they were born into. But of course when a pack has been run in such a f****d up way since the beginning, of course they are going to be hesitant to comply so easily. 

"So you are still going to the packs on the list to check on any rogue issues and to fix any issues they may have, if possible. But you are also to check into these other packs-" He handed me a separate list. "-to see if they are following the law. Now this is important, Adira. This is going to be like a pop up visit. They are going to try and stall you while they hide things or get their people in order. You can't give them the chance."

"I won't." I smiled mischievously. "I know just what to do." 

"Also make sure that they cannot get word out to any other packs who are possibly not following the law. I don't know how Adira, but get it done." I nodded firmly, letting him see that I was not going to let him down. 

It was almost one in the morning when we finally said goodnight. After he left, I was about to climb into bed but my wolf started to stir in alert. There was someone near. I sniffed the air and shook my head and rolled my eyes. 

"Nice try, Zeke. You still suck at trying to mask your smell." I called out as I left the bathroom and walked towards my bed. 

Zeke popped up from behind couch and groaned. "How do you do that! I asked every wolf I passed on the way here and no one could smell me." He smiled and plopped himself on the edge of my bed. I stood in front of him, a few feet away. "Can we talk for just a minute?" 

"Zeke we have to be up in like four hours. I'm really tired." I really wasn't all that tired, but I didn't have time to mentally prepare for another one of these conversations. "Can we please talk when we get settled into our first mission?"

"I have been giving you space for the passed three weeks while we trained. To let you get your thoughts together. I just want to know something." I gave in and nodded. "If we go out there and I find my mate and reject her because I am already in love with you, what if you find your mate? Would you reject him for me?"

I didn't know what to say. I doubt he would reject his true mate for me because he will not be able to fight off what he will feel for her. His wolf will not allow him to either. But I never gave thought about what would happen if I found my mate because I seriously doubt I have one. 

The longer I stayed quiet the sadder he got. "Zeke. I am not saying you don't love me, but you are not in love with me. You can't promise me you would reject your mate because I know you won't." I shrugged. "But that's totally okay with me!" I quickly added on and it was the truth. I would never be upset or hold it against him for wanting the one person who was truly made for you. "I don't have a mate, Zeke. There will be no one to reject. But stop promising me it is what you will do because honestly, I don't want you to. I want you happy and loved and I would support you and your mate being together."

"I don't want her!!" He stood up and yelled. "There is no one out there more perfect for me than you! I don't care who she is, what she looks like, or what her rank is. I love you. I am in love with you!"

"You're my best friend! I love you, Zeke but I don't know if I could ever love you to this magnitude." I admitted. Zeke has been my best friend, shoulder to lean on, partner in crime and so much more. He became a big part of my life and I had a feeling I was going to lose him because I was not able to reciprocate the feelings he had. "You are asking me questions that I don't know the answer to, saying things I cannot deal with, and confusing me more and more. A part of me wants to love you like you love me but another part feels like its wrong." He stared at me and then something clicked. "You said you don't want your mate. 'I don't want her' that's what you said." He looked at me like he was caught and it gave me such a bad feeling. "Do you feel her? Does your wolf feel like she is close?" 

He didn't have to answer me because his face of sadness told me everything I needed to know. She was out there waiting for him and he was starting to feel unsure about his love for me. That is why he is here. Trying to make 'this' happen before its too late and he ends up choosing her. 

"It's okay, Zeke-"

"It's not okay!" He screamed and started to pace back and forth. "I don't want her. I don't want to love anyone else!"

The way he talked even told me more than I wanted to know. He doesn't want to love anyone else but he already does. Knowing she is out there is making him already develop feelings for her and he hasn't even met her yet. I envied him. Not for just having a mate, but knowing that she is out there. I am still so unsure about it all and it doesn't help that my wolf is starting to hurt. 

(He will choose us. His wolf loves me and is already choosing me.)     But is the connection as strong? Or does it feel weaker? 

(I don't care! He still cares for me, I feel it.)     'Lia. We have to accept the fact that maybe when the time comes, he will not be able to reject her. 

(YES HE WILL!)     And we cannot be mad at him for it. He deserves happiness and love. 

(FROM US! HE DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND TO BE HAPPY WITH US!)     

I could feel my heart breaking and I hated it. This is why I didn't want Bedelia to get too caught up in her feelings for Zeke because there was always going to be a huge possibility that he wouldn't choose us. "Adira." Zeke whispered, breaking me from my inner thoughts. "Tell me you want me. Tell me when the time comes that I can reject her and we can be happy. I'll reject her even if there is the slightest chance that I can be with you."

"Zeke. When the time comes I want you to do something. Not for me, not for her, but yourself. I want you to look at her, really look at her. I want you to let your wolf feel whatever it is you both are meant to feel-"

"What good will that do!" He interrupted me. 

"Because you cannot make a huge decision like this without acknowledging all of your feelings. All of the. For me, and for her." I explained. He seemed to understand and finally agree. "Now please Zeke. I am seriously tired and now I know I will have a harder time trying to sleep because my wolf is afraid of losing you." I rubbed my hands roughly over my face. 

"I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention." Zeke sighed and looked away. "I just really needed to see you. I was hoping this went differently but I understand. It wouldn't be fair to you to choose you without knowing for sure. You deserve someone who is completely sure about you." He started to walk towards the front door but he turned around slowly. "I love you Adira. No matter what happens when we leave, just please believe me when I say I do love you and I hope this all works out the way we both want. Even if we really don't know what that is yet." 

"I love you, Zeke. You have been a big part of my life and I'll lever forget that. No matter how things turn out, you will never lose me as your best friend." I promised. I meant it whole heartedly. 

He smiled sadly and then finally left, closing the door behind him softly. I sighed a deep breath and dragged my feet to bed. As soon as I laid my head on my pillow, turned off the lights, and pulled the covers over my head, I started to cry. Not because I was upset about Zeke loving someone else, but because I knew that I was not going to find love like that. I was never going to feel my mate, and I was never going to feel the relief that there was someone out there waiting for me. I was happy for my best friend even if my wolf wasn't. 

(Why can't you just choose him and let him love us?)     Because he isn't ours, Bedelia. Can you not see that? It is selfish to take someone that was not meant for us. We would only be keeping him from his true love and that is wrong. 

(He could love us like that. He has tried to love us like that and if you wouldn't have been fighting it then we would not be going through this right now!)     You're right. We would be going through worse. If I would have let it happen and chose him, then he still would have sensed his mate and still would possibly lose us. We would be completely heart broken and go through all the pain of a rejection. We would be dying right now, literally. That is the curse of being a Demon Wolf, we feel everything to such a higher magnitude. Heart break would literally feel like someone was clawing our heart out of our chest! Excuse me from always trying to protect us from that!

(No. You were just holding us back from being loved and being happy. You feel so guilty about all the f****d up s**t we have done that you will not allow us to be happy. Even if we found our mate, I bet you would reject him and say it was for the best when the truth is you're just scared to have happiness ripped from us like when mother was ripped away!)

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I cried. Bedelia was completely right, and I hated that.