You Broke Me

Chapter 12

Taylors POV

Cade had gone home with promises to work some more on the project and his mom was finishing her rounds. She decided to peek in on me one last time before her shift ended.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. I looked at her and felt so envious of her family. I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help feeling that little green monster pipe its head up.

“Like a bus ran me over, but I'm doing okay.” She smiled, sat on the edge of my bed and patted my hand.

“You're going to be feeling pretty crummy the next few days or so. Now the next doctor that will be here is amazing. Her name is Dr Thorton. She knows the situation. If anything happens, she's going to call me up.'' I nod my head at her.

“Now, I didn't want to bring it up while everyone was here, but I know some of your injuries are self inflicted. Mainly these right here.” she says, her fingers grazing over the slashes in my arms. I can't bring myself to meet her eyes.

“I'm not judging you, sweetie. After all, you've been put through, I can only imagine. But there are better ways to deal with your problems. You have so much value. Your life is worth more than this. If you'd like, I can set you up with one of our counselors too.”

I lift my head and see her eyes hold sincerity. It's hard for me to understand where she's coming from. She says my life holes value and that I matter, but if I did why is my life the way it is? Why do these things happen to me if my life matters?

I accept the offer.

“That would be good. Although I don't know if I believe you yet. If my life was meaningful or so important then I wouldn't be where I am now. My family wouldn't have abandoned me. Did you know I ran into my mom the other day at the grocery store? Only to find out that she started a whole new family. She has 2 new kids and a husband. And not once in 10 years has she tried to contact me. She showed up on my doorstep asking to talk. I wasn't ready. She said she left because he was abusing her. But if he was and she knew it why did she leave me behind? Knowing what he's like? Knowing how much of a monster he is? If my life is so meaningful….” I decided to switch gears. I can't talk about my mom. Not right now.

“I only did it to feel something. Yes, I feel the pain, but it's almost like a coping mechanism. A relief. A way for me to feel in control. Like yes I'm abused and yes I feel pain, but when I cut, I'm in control of that pain. I can control when it happens, how bad or how much it hurts. It's a way for me to take control of my life when things feel out of control. I know I sound crazy.” she grips my hand.

“You're not crazy. Deeply hurt and maybe a bit depressed yes, but you're not crazy. You just need to find a new outlet for that. Therapy will help. Maybe even some group sessions. Others are going through similar scenarios like you. It could help you relate. And as far as your mom goes, I can't answer for her actions. But maybe when you're in a better place and finally out of your father's grasp, you can meet with her and listen to her side. Who knows you may find it enlightening.” she offers. I didn't even think of that. Those other people could be going through what I am.

“Can you tell Cade thank you for me?”

She raises a brow. “What for?” I twiddle my thumbs together, suddenly feeling awkward.

“For stepping in when he needed to. For being my friend. I've never had a friend before besides Amanda. It's a nice feeling having someone care about you. For a while it was just me myself and I, then Amanda came into the picture. She has been my rock through all of this. Almost like a sister to me. I always felt like a burden to her. She found out the hard way about what was going on with me. And I forced her to keep it a secret. I knew it weighed on her. Then we met Micah on the first day of school. It was weird, but everything felt right. But then I was paired with Cade on the history project and I felt like I was going to die. I had never once spoken to him even though we'd been in the same class since elementary school. It was intimidating. I will even admit I begged the teacher to give me a new partner or even let me work on it myself. But he is stubborn. I figured that much out after this first week of school. He kind of weaseled his way in and took it upon himself to be that friend that I was missing. I don't know what would have happened if he didn't show up at my house. So I want to thank him for being there without knowing me. Without judgement, without conditions, and without any other factors. He seems to genuinely want to be my friend and everything just feels right now. I don't know how to explain it. And now I'm rambling.” I trail off and she chuckles.

“Yeah, he's a good kid. Yes, I know he isn't perfect and sometimes he can be a little asshole, especially in the wrong crowd, but from what I saw when you were at the house, you bring out something good in him. He smiled more, he seemed more like his usual self. More so than I've seen in years. You Are good for him.”

We chat for a bit more before she finally has to leave. She is already becoming one of my favorite people to be around. I feel like I can open up to her. At least without the judgement. I decide to rest my eyes a bit. I feel safe here knowing that I'm finally free.

“Where is she? Where is my daughter?” I hear a shout.

I peel open my eyes and blink away the sleepies. There's a commotion going on in the hallway and I can faintly pick up on some voices. There's a knock on my door and before I can say ‘come in’ the door flies open.

Oh s**t. No. How did he know? They said they wouldn't call him!