Once Ice Grieves

SIX: Bad Craving

“TINAKBUHAN mo?!”

Napapitlag ako sa bulyaw ni Autumn matapos kong ikuwento ang lahat ng nangyari. Alas dos na ng madaling araw nang lumabas ako mula sa kwarto at madatnan siyang kumakain ng ice cream sa sala habang nanonood ng horror movie. I joined her and blurted out everything that has happened in the past three days.

“I was flustered!” depensa ko sa reaksyon niya. Nararamdaman kong sa pagkakataong ito, hindi siya sa akin kakampi. “I made a mess of it, okay? But it was a one night stand! What did it matter if I ran?”

“Oh my God, you—Sana nag-stay ka kahit saglit para makipag-usap sa kanya. That’s the least you could’ve done for the person that owns the d**k you used!”

I cringed, for the first time hearing the harshness of what I did. “Look… hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya. Akala ko gano’n niya rin gustong tapusin ‘yon. Hindi ba karamihan naman sa mga gano’n ayaw nang madatnan ‘yong babae sa kama nila paglabas nila ng banyo?”

“s**t, Ice, you have got to stop watching so much movies! Hindi ‘yon applicable sa lahat ng pagkakataon. He isn’t some random guy you picked up from random clubs! Granted, he propositioned you hard, but you weren’t really offended more than you were scared by that. He was so kind to you, he even risked getting in the bad side of your family para lang matulungan ka kay Prim.”

Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit inusig ako ng konsensya ko’t nasabi ko kay Autumn ang lahat. I wanted vindication that I was right to run. But that wasn’t happening. Gaya ni Autumn, alam kong malaki na ngayon ang utang na loob ko kay Griffin. He is risking a lot by helping me speak to my brother tonight.

Bumuntong hininga ako. “You’re right. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. It’s just… I didn’t expect someone like Griffin King would care about a one night stand too much.”

Umiling-iling sa akin si Autumn. “One day, your insecurity will hurt other people.”

Hindi ako nakasagot at natahimik na lang. I hoped to hell that doesn’t happen but something in my guts tell me it would. Eventually. One day…

BUMILI ng lunch si Adrian para sa buong team noong araw na iyon kaya’t sa pantry kami nagbabad ng ilang oras halos. It was a working lunch but it didn’t felt much like that because of all the fun conversations we had over the delicious food.

“They have a PR campaign tomorrow,” sabi ni Yi-Rim nang mapag-usapan ang proyekto namin sa Trendy Shack. “Parang launching event yata. Tumawag no’ng isang araw ‘yong assistant sa marketing, tinatanong kung gusto raw natin pumunta. We have invites ready apparently.”

“Oh sakto pala,” si Adrian na bumaling sa akin. “Punta tayo. Baka may makuha tayong ideas kahit papaano.”

Tumango ako, agreeing somehow that launches like that may inspire ideas to market a product. “Okay ako bukas, wala naman akong gagawin. V, you wanna come?” tanong ko kay Valentin.

Nag-angat siya ng mukha mula sa laptop at sumimangot. “Boss naman may deadline akong RFP sa Friday, eh. Bad influence ka.”

Ngumisi ako, fully aware that missing out on events is Valentin’s pet peeve. He has a dream of someday getting his own advertising agency kaya’t kapag may mga opportunity na maging parte ng mga PR events ay siya ang inaalok ko kaagad. He needed the connections that parties like that would bring him.

“Pass din ako, Ma’am,” pauna nang sabi ni Ariel. “Nakapangako ako sa kapatid kong tutulong ako sa wedding preparation niya.”

Tumingin ako kay Yi-Rim na kumukuha ng slice ng pizza sa gitna ng mesa. Agad siyang umiling-iling nang mapansing sa kanya na nakatuon ang atensyon ko. “Marami pa akong deadlines, TL. T’saka gitna ng work week ‘yang event na ‘yan. Baka gumapang ako papasok ng trabaho kinaumagahan.”

That left me with Vernie. “May date ako, boss. Baka kapag hindi ko sinipot ‘yong jowa ko, makipaghiwalay na sa 'kin 'yon. Ang workaholic ko na masyado.”

I rolled my eyes at that. “Ang dami namang iba r’yan, ‘sus.”

“Hay naku, boss, kaya ang tagal-tagal mo nang single kasi puro trabaho ang inaatupag mo. Work-life balance nga ‘di ba? Mag-jowa ka na nga.”

Nailing lang ako’t natawa saka bumaling na sa laptop ko para hindi na nila ituloy ang paksang iyon. Apparently, they were not done with the roasting yet.

“Tama si Vernie, Ma’am,” panegunda ni Valentin. “Kung ako lang ang nabiyayaan ng effortless mong ganda, hindi ko sinayang ang mid-twenties ko sa pagtatrabaho, noh. I would have dated all the men that I could, kesehodang walang career. At least happy.”

Nagtawanan sila. I chuckled and shook my head pero hindi ko pa rin ginatungan iyon. They didn’t need to know the truth.

“Eh ikaw ba, boss Adrian,” narinig kong tanong ni Ariel sa katabi ko. “May asawa ka na ho ba?”

I looked at Adrian and waited for his answer. Mukhang nabigla siya sa tanong at napatingin pa sa akin bago sumagot. “Uy wala. Wala pa.”

“Anak, boss?” sunod na tanong ni Valentin. “Baka may anak ka sa pagkabinata.”

Umiling siya. “Wala rin. Hindi naman ako gano’n.”

“Grabe naman ‘tong dalawang ‘to. Kahit girlfriend wala rin?”

“Wala na. Nag-break kami a year ago. Binalikan ‘yong ex.”

Natahimik sila nang marinig iyon. I didn’t detect a tone of sadness or regret from Adrian though. Ngumiti lang siya na parang wala lang sa kanyang sabihin iyon. “It’s okay, matagal na ‘yon. I wasn’t hung up on her. Wala pa lang talaga akong nahahanap na babaeng makakasabay ko sa trip ko. Pero s’yempre gusto ko rin naman. Hindi na rin ako bumabata kaya kailangan nang mag-settle down. Hopefully soon…”

After that, he looked at me and smiled. It was a short interaction but I had the same feeling I had last night nang ihatid niya ako pauwi. As if he’s insinuating something. Ngumiti ako pabalik at muling itinuon ang atensyon ko sa ginagawa, silently ignoring what was said.

Nang sumapit ang alas kwatro ng tanghali ay nagpaalam akong lalabas saglit. Pinakiusapan ni Sir Ruth si Adrian na lumabas para i-meet ang isang vendor para mag-source ng mga materials for the gifts they were planning to give some of the new prospective clients. Most of my creative team were nose deep into their work so I suppose they didn’t need me much to breathe down their necks.

Labis ang kabog ng dibdib ko habang hinihintay ang elevator na tumigil sa huling palapag ng gusali. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko kapag nakaharap ko na siya but putting off this talk would only make things harder for me later on.

Conference rooms ang una kong nadaanan paglabas ng elevator. The office that I had been looking for was situated in the farthest but biggest corner of the floor, with the hallways draped with expensive marble tiles and a few plants here and there to give the place some color. Ang una kong nakita’y ang receptionist desk where the middle aged woman I’ve seen before stood up upon seeing me and greeted me with a warm smile on her face.

“Miss Ocampo. Good afternoon po.”

Alangan ang ngiting naigawad ko, ang kalahati sa akin ay nagtataka kung paano niya ako nakilala. I had seen a glimpse of her noong unang araw na nakita ko si Griffin sa palapag na ito ngunit bukod doon ay wala naman kaming naging ibang interaksyon. How did she know my name?

“H-hi. Nand’yan si Mr. King?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Sandali lang po, I’ll let him know you’re here. May gusto ho ba kayong inumin o kainin habang naghihintay?”

Lumunok ako, umiling. “Wala naman. Okay lang ako.”

Iginiya niya ako sa waiting area na malapit doon kung saan may mga sofa at bean bag chairs na nakalagay. “Saglit lang ho, Ma’am, ha. Nasa meeting kasi si Sir kaya hindi ko ho maistorbo sa tawag. For a while lang po.”

It was kind of her to repeat asking me to wait for a few while, as if she’s worried to leave me out here. She must have thought I was someone important. Yumuko ako para tignan ang suot kong damit. I was only wearing a white loose shirt with Drunken Growunps written on it in the font of Dunkin’ Donuts as a parody, tucked into a denim wide leg pants paired with white sneakers I bought in a cheap price from a shopping app. Who would mistake me for an important person?

Sinundan ko ng tingin ang babae. She walked towards the office with the biggest door at akmang aabutin ang handle para buksan ang pintuan nang kusang gumalaw ito. She stepped back and another woman stepped out of it. Napatitig ako sa babae. Mula sa kinauupuan ko, kita ko ang taas ng takong ng suot niyang open-toe heels. She was wearing a long dark green skirt with a ribbon tied neatly on the right side, a white long sleeved blouse with the ends rolled up to her wrist, revealing a set of bangles and expensive wrist watch draped around her white skin.

For a moment, inisip ko kung celebrity ba iyon. Pamilyar ang mahaba niyang buhok at ang maamo niyang mukha. I must have seen her somewhere before. Pero naputol ang pag-iisip na iyon nang ibaling niya ang ulo niya para tignan ako. Napaderetso ako ng upo, pakiramdam ko’y pinag-uusapan nila ako. The receptionist must have told her I was looking for Griffin. May sinabi siya sa receptionist na bahagyang nakapagpasimangot dito. Sumulyap sa akin ang matanda kanina at parang may sinasabi pang uli sa babae pero umiling lang ang huli at saka tumalikod.

Naglakad siya patungo sa kinaroroonan ko. She had a kind face and I can’t help but stand up, mesmerized with the easy elegance she exudes.

“Hi, I’m Camille. I heard you’re looking for Griffin?”

Napakurap-kurap ako, biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan. “Uh… y-yes. May sasabihin lang sana.”

Ngumiti siya at tumango. “I understand. Can I take the message though? Pasensya ka na, medyo busy kasi siya today. He just arrived back from Singapore so he had to catch up with a lot of stuff from work. Urgent ba ang sadya mo?”

That should’ve rubbed me the wrong way but her voice was so pleasant I couldn’t get annoyed even if I wanted to. Sa halip ay umiling lamang ako at matipid na ngumiti rin pabalik. “Okay lang, sa ibang araw na lang siguro. Hindi naman importante.”

“Thank you so much. I’ll tell him you dropped by. Ano ngang pangalan mo?”

I started walking away when she asked that kaya tumigil ako bahagya at lumingon. “Lyselle.”

I saw her froze and her smile instantly faded. “Ilagan?”

Nagpanting ang tainga ko at napakuyom ng kamao. Naningkit ang mga mata ko sa kanya, iniisip kung paano niya naibulalas ang apelyidong iyon. Where on earth have I seen her?

In the end, I gave her a tight-lipped smile and said, “Ocampo.”

NAALIMPUNGATAN ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. I thought I heard the doorbell faintly kaya’t ilang saglit akong nakiramdam habang nakahiga. It wasn’t even a minute later when I heard it go off again. It was faint because of the semi-soundproofed walls but I could hear it.

Bumangon ako at kaagad na kinuha ang manipis na ternong roba ng pula kong nightgown. I went out of my dark room into the living area straight to the door. Madilim ang buong bahay at ang tanging ilaw lamang na bukas ay ang munting lampshade na nasa tabi ng corridor sa pintuan. Autumn was on night shift today so I didn’t bothered opening the kitchen lights before I crashed my bed earlier because she’s the only one who gets up in the middle of the night to search for food in there.

In-unlock ko ang pintuan, nasa kalagitnaan na ng inis na paglilitanya kay Autumn, thinking she was the one at the door. “…I told you to stop forgetting your keys—”

Napatigil ako at napasinghap nang iba ang makitang nakatayo sa pintuan. Namilog ang mga mata ko at agad na nawala ang antok sa mga iyon. It was Griffin King, looking grim and worse for wear. Nakabalatay sa mala-anghel niyang mukha ang pagod, ang laging maayos na buhok ay magulo, a few strands of it falling over a partial of his eyes, concealing them. His black suit jacket was unbuttoned, his tie skewed and loose and the first two buttons of the white polo underneath were undone.

Something gutted me inside when I took in his appearance. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at may parte sa aking gusto siyang ayusin. I had to supress the urge to run my fingers through his hair for self-preservation.

“Lyselle,” his voice was rough in contrast to his usual gentle and pleasant timbre. “Can I come in?”

Napakurap ako. I stepped back to let him in at naglakad muli papasok, ine-expect na susunod siya. I tied the strings of my robe around my waist, concealing the thin silk of nightwear I was wearing before switching all the lights inside the house.

I gestured to the couch in the living area where he went and sat. “May gusto kang inumin?”

“Any spirits… if you have. Otherwise, coffee’s fine.”

Tipid akong tumango bago tinungo ang kusina para maghanap ng alak sa refrigerator. I can only find two bottles of cheap beer in there. Kahit nakakahiya’y kinuha ko na rin iyon. Wala rin kasi kaming kape na sa tingin ko’y magugustuhan niya. We only had a couple of 3-in-1 sachets in the cupboard. Nagtimpla ako ng kape para sa sarili ko, needing the caffeeine to stay alert. Nang matapos ay dinala ko iyon sa living room at naupo sa single couch na katapat ng sofa na inuupuan niya.

“I’m so sorry, ito lang ang meron kami. We just moved so we don’t have a lot of stuff in the shelves yet.”

A ghost of a smile touched his mouth before he opened the beer bottle and took a sip from it. Iniiwas ko ang mata ko sa tanawing iyon, killing the familiar feeling of desire slowly rising within me. Sumimsim ako sa sariling kape, needing the bitterness of the coffee to erase any insanity I may be attempting to consider at this moment.

“Nagpunta ka sa office…” I heard him say. Hindi siya nagtanong, just merely stating a fact. “Can I ask why?”

I thought I heard something akin to a hopeful tone in his voice ngunit nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay kaswal na ang kanyang ekspresyon, any trace of emotion carefully tucked somewhere.

Lumunok ako at tumikhim, tinatanggal ang bikig sa lalamunan. “Gusto ko lang magpasalamat. What you did… that was a huge favor. Thank you. I owe you.”

It was scary acknowledging that. Hindi ko ma-imagine kung paano makakabayad ng utang sa gaya ni Griffin.

His eyes fluttered and he looked at his beer in his hand, effectively concealing the reaction that I was so sure was written in his eyes. “A thank-you card would have sufficed.”

Sa kaloob-looban ko’y napapiksi ako. It was a direct hit. I would agree.

Lihim akong bumuntong hininga. “Gusto ko ring humingi ng pasensya sa ginawa ko no’ng araw na ‘yon. You’ve been nothing but kind to me. I’m sorry.”

I watched him gripped the bottle too tight and I dreaded his response. Mayamaya lang ay tumingin siya sa akin, his eyes sharp and empty it scared me a bit. “What was it you’re really sorry for, Lyselle? Sleeping with me or running away from the aftermath the morning after?”

Hindi ako nakasagot. That was a sentiment I didn’t want to nitpick. Most of what happened that night, I placed in an invisible compartment and shoved it at the bottom of my brain, never intending to open it back up. Aware ako na iyon ang problema ng therapist ko sa akin. That I compartmentalize everything. Three years into therapy and I still don’t know how to deal with the huge s**t hitting the fan.

Tumiim ang bagang ni Griffin nang hindi ako sumagot. “Hindi kita ginawan ng pabor, Lyselle. Hindi ko ginawa ang ginawa ko para itulak kang kausapin ako. You don’t owe me anything but the truth and a damned explanation of why you did what you did that day. Am I so repulsive that you’d rather run away from me than stay to talk?”

“N-no,” agad kong sagot, takot na baka iyon nga ang iniisip niya. “No, you were… you were perfect.” I hadn’t meant to say that because I think that would just dig me a deeper hole pero hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag ang naging reaksyon ko noon. “I… I had a lot on my plate that day. Hindi ko alam kung paano iha-handle ang nangyari. It was easier to run away kaya’t iyon ang ginawa ko.”

“Did you regret sleeping with me?”

Hindi ko iyon masagot. In a way, I had mixed feelings about it. I regret succumbing to my old ways but I don’t think I regret the actual act of having s*x with him. It was an exceptional moment where I felt so raw and so overwhelmed. Sa tingin ko’y hindi ko na kayang ulitin iyon sa ibang lalaki.

His exhalation was audible. I had a feeling he mistook my silence for something bad.

“Lyselle… princess, I don’t know how to deal with this, too.” There was a pregnant pause for a minute where he just stared at me. Pagkuwa’y muli siyang bumuntong hininga at inilapag ang beer na hawak niya sa mesa. He then leaned forward and clasped his hand together. “Years ago, I thought I was merely infatuated with you. Iba ka sa lahat ng babaeng kilala ko. You were young but you were wise beyond your age. You’re a breath of fresh air, a ray of sunlight. I looked forward to the rare times you come to me for help kahit alam kong kaya mong gawin ang mga bagay na inihihingi mo ng tulong.”

Naramdaman kong nag-init ang mukha ko at bigla akong nanliit. May pakiramdam ako noon na alam niya ang ginagawa ko, na umaakto lang akong nangangailangan ng tulong pero kahit ni minsan ay hindi ko inakalang isasatinig niya iyon sa harapan ko.

“There was a head rush with the thought of you adoring me,” he continued, much to my chagrin. “You, the princess of a powerful political dynasty. I used to see you as the golden bird trapped in a cage. I used to sympathize with you because I know how that felt. Alam ko ang pakiramdam na maging iba. You handled it differently than I did though. You stuck out, you weren’t ashamed of who you are—what you represent. So when that year came and you suddenly felt out of reach…” Tumigil siya, tumingin sa akin, as if imploring me to understand. “I used to think you were an unfinished business. At some point, tama ka. Nakita kita bilang isang hamon. Sa tingin ko’y iyon ang rason kung bakit no’ng nalaman ko kung saan ka nagtatrabaho, I did everything in my power to have you cross paths with me.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko, gulat sa narinig na sinabi niya. Tila inasahan na niya ang naging reaksyon dahil nagbaba lamang siya ng tingin na para bang ang mga mata niya ang humihingi ng tawad para sa kanya.

“I’m sorry, Lyselle. But I want you to know that I’m only sorry that I was impatient. Hindi ako naniniwalang babalik ka sa buhay ko kung hindi ko mamanipulahin ‘yon.”

“But I don’t understand why you wanted that in the first place…”

“Because I needed an opportunity to get you out of my system.” At that, my breath hitched. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pakiramdam ko’y inasahan ko iyon. “Sort of like an exorcism. Akala ko kapag nakuha kita ng isang beses, hanggang do’n na lang ‘yon. I was wrong though. So f*****g wrong…”

Hindi ako makahinga. Pakiramdam ko’y iniipit ako ng paligid ng bahay. Marami akong inisip na dahilan ng paglapit niya sa akin pero kahit ni minsan ay hindi ganito ang nasa imahinasyon ko.

“Lyselle, what happened between us… hindi ‘yon kahit kailan nangyari sa akin. I have never felt the way I felt that night. It was like a bad case of craving I can’t get over. Hindi ko mapaliwanag. I can’t even justify it to myself. But I went through hell the past few days not hearing from you. I don’t want to go through that again if I can help it.”

Self-preservation. Naintindihan ko iyon. Iyong parte ng sinabi niya, that I get. That I can relate to because once upon a time, I had thought of that about s*x, too. A bad craving, an addiction. “Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto mo. Kung bakit mo sinasabi sa ‘kin ang mga ‘to.”

He heaved a sigh and his jaw clenched. “I want to keep feeling the same thing I feel when I’m with you. And if you’re not up for casual s*x, I can adjust. I don’t know how to, princess, but give me a room to figure it out and I will. I promise.”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, takot na makita niyang sinasalamin ng mga mata ko ang parehong emosyong nasa mga mata niya ngayon. I understand desparation. I know how one taste of sin can f**k you up for a very long time so I don’t doubt what happened that night opened up something strange for him. I was there, I felt that too. In fact, kung magiging totoo lang ako sa sarili ko, kung hinayaan ko sigurong malunod ako sa alaala ng nangyari noong gabing iyon, hindi rin siguro ako makakapag-function.

And I don’t think I will either after this night.

“Okay.”

Nakita kong natigilan siya. Saglit na naningkit ang mga mata niya’t napaupo ng tuwid nang marahil ay mag-sink in ang sinabi ko. “Okay?” he asked again, his tone laced with hope.

Binasa ko ang pang-ibaba kong labi at hinanap ang tamang salita. “Naiintindihan kita. In ways you cannot imagine, I understand. Hindi ko kayang makipag-s*x sa isang taong wala akong koneksyon. Pero hindi ko sinasabing gusto ko ng commitment. I’m up for casual s*x if you are.”

Ipinilig niya ang ulo niya, ang pagkalito’y bumakas sa kanyang maamong mukha. “Ayaw mo ng commitment?”

Nagkibit ako ng balikat. “I have a lot of baggage, Griffin. I’m dealing with tons of s**t in my life and I don’t want to bring another complication into the mix. I can only handle so much. I’m sure gano’n ka rin. You’re Griffin King, you know. You have a lot on your plate and I won’t add to that.”

Naningkit ang kanyang mga mata na para bang sinusuri ako. Kumabog ang puso ko, takot na baka makita niya ang tunay na rason ko. Something flickered in his eyes and it went so fast I couldn’t analyze it. Mayamaya’y tumango siya.

“Casual s*x, then.”

I expelled the breath I was holding.

Pinanood ko siyang ubusin ang beer na ibinaba niya kanina sa mesa. I had a bad feeling about him agreeing and I wondered…

Does he know on some level that I was the one intending to exorcise him out of my system this time?