Once Ice Grieves

ONE: Dark And Dangerous

“AND how do you feel about that promotion?”

Napatitig ako sa labas ng bintana, lampas sa balikat ni Doktora Joana. Mataas pa ang araw sa labas. Kita ko mula sa kinauupuan ko ang mabagal na pagdaan ng jet plane sa asul na asul na kalangitan. It left a beautiful trail of smoke behind it.

Once upon a time, that sight would have made me feel something. Now? I’m as good as a f*****g brick.

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaharap kong doktor at bahagyang ngumiti. “Good, I guess. Though I have to admit, I really didn’t want the position. I think it’s extra work and would force me an extra hours but...” Nagkibit ako ng balikat. “Maybe it’d keep me on my toe and longer on this job this time.”

“Nang malaman mong na-promote ka, what did you feel, Lyselle? Happy? Excited? A little scared, perhaps?”

Saglit kong inalala ang eksaktong sandali na nalaman kong kinukuha akong Marketing Team Leader para sa project na inalisan ng dati kong boss. It happened after lunch three weeks ago. I could remember staring at my manager’s miniature beer bottle sitting in the corner of her desk, overthinking the RFP I had to work on that day. But I honestly cannot remember what I felt.

“Uh… hindi ko super sure, Dok.”

“Pre-occupied ka ba no’ng time na ‘yon?”

“I guess so. I mean I had a lot of tasks that day.”

Tumango siya’t may sinulat sa kanyang iPad. Matapos no’n ay nagpatuloy siya sa pagtatanong. Panibagong atake. “How about now? How do you feel about it?”

Muli akong nagkibit ng balikat. “May times na natutuwa ako kasi may nagagawa akong tama. Sometimes, when I’m appreciated in the workplace, it gets through. As if the chaos in my mind gets silenced for the time being. Most of the time though, I just get by.”

May kung ilang saglit niya akong tinitigan, her left fingers drumming the desk in contemplation silently. And then she asked, “Out of all these recent changes… did you not feel sincerely happy?”

I licked my lower lips to moisten it. “I’m having a good time with my team, my friends. I laugh, I smile.”

“And are those… sincere? Does it linger through the rest of the day even when you’re not with them?”

Hindi ako agad nakasagot. Sinusubukan kong alalahanin ang pagkakataon sa nakalipas na tatlong linggo na nanatili ang kasiyahan sa akin kahit mag-isa ako. I couldn’t think of anything so I shook my head.

Tinanggal ni Doktora Joana ang salamin niya sa mata at inilapag ang iPad niya sa tabi ng mesa. “Lyselle… you have come a long way eversince you were diagnosed three years ago. But prior to the diagnosis, you were genuinely spontaneous and happy more than you are empty most of the time. And while your awareness of the problem is a good thing, sometimes, when you overthink it, it’s bad.”

Kumunot ng bahagya ang noo ko, nalito sa kung anong ipinupunto niya. “Ano pong ibig sabihin no’n?”

“I’m afraid that you’re using your condition to build up a wall.”

Hindi ako umimik. Nahihimigan ko kung saan patungo iyon pero sa sandaling iyon, wala akong masabi para depensahan ang sarili ko.

“I know you think that if you somehow make an effort to avoid making a real connection with other people, you would also be able to avoid the regret when you cut them off in a fit of impulsivity sooner or later. I can’t help but think na baka… iniiwasan mo ring maging masaya sa mga achievements mo for that same exact reason. Hindi ‘yan coping mechanism, Lyselle. Pag-iwas ‘yan. You’re running away from the problem, you’re not managing it.

“For the past few sessions we’ve had, it occurred to me that you may have been learning how to suppress your emotions. You said before that you didn’t like what you turn into when you’re in the middle of an outburst. When was the last time you had an episode?”

“A year ago.”

Tumango siya. “You cried for a straight hour and a half for no reason. You said you couldn’t stop. That it was uncontrollable. Naalala mo kung anong nangyari isang linggo bago ‘yon?”

“Tinawagan ko si Mama para mangumusta sa kanila. Lolo answered the phone and… told me not to call again.”

Muli siyang tumango. “Matalino ka, Lyselle. You are very smart and very insightful. But what you did after that last outburst is to run away. You shut down. You make an act of being emotionally available to your friends, to your colleagues. But all the while… you were counting down to the hour where you’ll be alone and you can stash that moment in your day beneath a separate compartment in your brain and never revisit them. Then you watch upbeat shows on TV until you fall asleep. You watch the same shows over and over again because you know what happens to each character in the end. Predictable. You know what to expect, you’re assured of a good ending. That’s how you live. That’s your routine.

“You see… ang pagma-manage ng emosyon mo ay iba sa pagtatago nito at pag-iwas sa mga bagay o tao na maaaring maka-trigger nito. Hindi mo kailangang magtayo ng matayog na pader na naghihiwalay sa ‘yo sa mga tao sa paligid mo. Kailangan mong magkaroon ng isang malusog na sistema para maiparating mo sa kanila kung anong nararamdaman mo. A bridge, not a wall, Lyselle.”

Bumuntong hininga ako. I thought I was solving the problem. Turns out, I made it bigger than what it originally was.

“AREN’T you supposed to be on leave today? Why are we driving back to your firm, Ice?”

Nginitian ko si Nyla bago muling nagpatuloy sa pagmamaneho. “Sisilip lang ako saglit sa team ko. Kailangan ko ring kunin ‘yong laptop ko, naiwan ko sa table ko.”

“Parang ‘di naman ako naniniwala sa ‘yo. Sakit mo ‘yan, eh. Toxic productivity. But what the hell, let’s go to your building. May masarap na coffee shop do’n.”

Hindi ako nagsalita at nagpatuloy na lang sa ginagawa. Nyla went on to browse on her phone after that.

I was thankful that Nyla can be a silent company on days like these. Pero sa totoo lang, alam kong hindi ko na siya dapat inaabala lagi sa ganito. I should stop being dependent on the few people who knew. I’m no longer a child, I should be able to go to my psychiatrist without anyone waiting for me outside and have them absorb the fallout after. Three years now pero para pa rin akong batang takot mapag-isa sa doktor. I’m just really lucky I have good friends who understand.

Pasado alas otso na ng gabi nang makarating kami sa Kingsley Tower. It was a sixty-six floor building that houses different offices and businesses. Ang pinagtatrabahuhan kong Advertising firm—Brand & Beyond—ay lumipat sa gusaling iyon isang buwan na halos ang nakakaraan at doon umuupa ng espasyo. We currently occupy three floors at maaari pang madagdagan dahil sa nakakasang negosasyon nito sa isa pang malaking kompanya. Base sa mga naririnig kong kwento sa opisina bago ako mag-leave, nakapirma na yata iyong owner ng firm sa agreement.

Iniwan ko sa baba si Nyla. May coffee shop kasi roon na lagi niyang pinupuntahan kapag nadadaan siya sa building ko. When my team saw me coming in, nakita ko na kaagad ang pagkadisgusto sa mukha nila. Yi-Rim, my half-Korean advertiser even stood up from her seat at nagpamewang sa ‘kin.

“Ma’am, andito ka na naman! Dapat talaga bina-block ng IT team ‘yang badge mo para hindi ka nakakapasok kapag naka-leave.”

Napangiti ako at dumeretso sa desk ko para damputin ang laptop na sadya ko. “Kukunin ko lang 'to, napaka-OA mo.”

“Asus, nag-iwan ka lang ng excuse para bumalik, eh,” pambubuska naman ni Ariel na nakangising pinapanood ang paglalagay ko ng laptop sa pouch. “Kamusta ba leave, Ma’am? Lapit ka na bumalik, ah.”

I was almost done with the two weeks leave granted by my boss. Apat na araw na lang babalik na ako sa opisina. “It’s fun. S’yempre miss ko kayo. Kamusta ang office?”

“Sakto lang, Ma’am, magulo lang ng konti.”

Bahagyang umarko ang kilay ko. “Dahil sa merger?”

Vernie who stood up to get a coffee from the small coffee pot we keep in the office walked towards me. “Naku, Ma’am, mali ‘yong tsikang nasagap natin sa batisan. Hindi pala ‘yon merger, takeover pala ‘yon.”

Saglit akong natigilan doon. I will admit that I have zero knowledge of what a takeover look like but I know that it usually isn’t a nice thing. These kind of information aren’t things the management passes to team leads unless there’s a need for it so what the hell do I know?

“Well… as long as clients don’t pull out, I guess that’s okay,” wika ni Yi-Rim na bumalik na sa ginagawa sa kanyang computer.

“Eh ako basta may trabaho, bahala sila r’yan,” panegunda naman ni Ariel na tinanguan ni Vernie.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang puntahan ang boss ko. I know for a fact he may no longer be there. I went straight to the elevators and punched on the button while I was texting Nyla I’ll be back down in a little bit. Wala sa loob na pumasok ako at pinindot ang buton para sa ground floor. When I felt the elevator going up instead, I looked up from my phone. Noon ko lang na-realize na papuntang top floor ang elevator na iyon.

Damn.

I stood at the back and waited for the doors to open. Bumukas lamang iyon pagtuntong ng sixty-sixth floor. Three people stood there, waiting for the door to slide open completely. Una kong nakita ang suot na necktie ng lalaking nasa gitna; it was red, almost brown-ish, with little white dots and it’s hidden beneath a six-button black suit. It took me a while to figure out the door wasn’t closing and no one was getting in so I looked up to their faces in wonder.

Only to be hit with a nostalgia so intense I was second-guessing if I’m awake or dreaming.

Griffin King stood in front of me, the recognition visible in his eyes. Pero hindi gaya ko, wala ang pagkabigla at pagkalito. Which told me he must have seen me first before I did and he had time to absorb this little revelation more than I did.

Hindi makapagsalita, pinanood ko siyang bumaling sa lalaking nasa tabi niya. “Take the other lift.”

Tumango lang ang lalaki at agad na ring sumunod ang isa pa para marahil ay tunguhin ang isa pang elevator sa floor na iyon. Sumasara na ang pintuan nang muling bumaling sa akin si Griffin. Pinigilan ng kanang kamay niya ang sumasarang pinto which made it open back up so he could enter.

Napalunok ako at biglang nakaramdam ng bahagyang kaba. I was hoping he thinks I don’t recognize him so he wouldn’t talk to me in deference to that, but I knew that was a long shot when he turned to me as the door slides to a close.

“Lyselle… how have you been?”

God. Hindi ko maisplika ang nararamdaman. At that, my heart started beating fast and so loud I thought it’s like a drum in my ears. Thirteen years na ang nakakalipas pero ganoon pa rin ang reaksyon ko sa presensya ng lalaking ‘to.

Dating malapit na magkaibigan ang ama ni Griffin at ang Lolo ko. He wasn’t fond of his father but he always attends any social gatherings he’s in kaya’t lagi ko siyang nakikita sa mga iyon. As a teenage girl, it was impossible not to have a crush on this beautiful man. Halos lahat ng kakilala ko dati’y hinahangaan siya kapag nakikita siya. Everything about him was perfect—his height, angled jaw, his tantalizing eyes that says so much even without prompting, his lips… Oh, dear Lord, his lips…

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niya nang maisip ko iyon. It took me seconds before I realized what I was doing. Pinilit kong ngitian siya kahit ramdam ko pa rin ang pagkabog ng aking dibdib. “I’m… fine. Hindi ko alam na dito ka nagtatrabaho.”

He smiled as if in amusement. “We moved a couple of our subsidiaries in the building so I moved here, too. I’m overseeing most of them.”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot doon kaya’t tumango na lamang ako. I know I should’ve looked away while waiting for our descent to stop but with Griffin, that wasn’t possible. One look at him and you won’t get enough of that face.

Maraming nagsasabing siya ang mukha ng mga King. That they had the wealth and fame his family had because of his angelic face—because he was blessed by an angel. Noong bata pa ako, sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, pakiramdam ko’y hindi siya masaya sa ganoon. I know he likes smiling. He smiles a lot at anyone who says something nice about how he looks but knowing what I do now about trauma, the tightness of that smile, the tensing in his shoulders and the shadow in his eyes may have been a dumb giveaway of how he probably dislikes talking about it.

“Kailan ka bumalik?” muli niyang tanong.

Lumunok ako at tumikhim, inaalis ang bikig sa lalamunan ko. “Five years ago, give or take. Iyong una kong dalawang taon, sa Cebu ako nanirahan. Saka lang ako bumalik ulit sa Manila after.”

Alam kong may sasabihin pa siya matapos niyon pero hindi na siya nagkaroon pa ng pagkakataon nang tumunog ang elevator senyales na nasa ground floor na kami at muling bumukas ang pintuan. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay ngumiti ako sa kanya’t kumaway ng bahagya bago lumabas at dumeretso sa lobby.

Nang matanaw ko si Nyla malapit sa revolving door hawak-hawak ang cell phone at ang baso ng kape sa kabilang kamay ay dali-dali akong lumapit. “Kanina ka pa? Tara.”

She stopped drinking from her straw. “Kakababa ko lang din. Bakit ang—” whatever she was going to ask, it was cut short when she looked behind me and her eyes opened wide.

Nangunot ang noo ko at napalingon din para alamin kung anong biglang nagpamaang sa kanya. I saw Griffin only a few feet from me closing our distance. “Hi.”

Napakurap-kurap ako at hindi alam ang sasabihin. I thought the pleasantries have ended earlier.

“I was hoping I can take you to dinner today.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa alok na iyon. Nagkatinginan kami ni Nyla na ngayon ay may kinang na ang mga mata. “I uhm… m-may plano kasi kami ng kaibigan ko today. Maybe next time?”

Sandaling lumipat ang tingin niya kay Nyla, ngumiti, saka tumango sa akin. “Next time, then. I’m happy to see you today, Lyselle.”

Muli’y hindi ko alam ang isasagot doon kaya’t tumango na lamang ako at nagpaalam. Kinailangan ko pang hilahin palabas si Nyla dahil tila naestatwa na siya kakatingin kay Griffin. Hindi ko siya masisisi. It was always everybody’s reaction to his presence.

Nasa kotse na kami at nagkakabit ng seatbelt nang sumigaw si Nyla. “Who the hell was that?!”

Napabuntong hininga ako habang binubuhay ang makina ng sasakyan. “Griffin King. Anak ng kaibigan ni Lolo.”

“Oh my God, I saw him on a business magazine once. Kasama siya sa thirty under thirty!”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Thirty under thirty?”

“Yeah! People under thirty who kind of did something impactful. Hindi ko matandaan kung ano exactly ‘yong nakalagay sa magazine, it was many years ago but I think I remember it says he founded a startup tech company. Did you bone that man?”

Namilog ang mga mata ko sa pagkabigla sa tanong niya. “What? No!”

“Ang korni mo, Lyselle. Do you know how much chemistry you guys have? Ipupusta ko ang kapitbahay ko, makukuryente ka kapag hinawakan ka no’n!”

Napangiwi ako. “I had the hots for that guy when I was still young. Even then I knew it was wrong to be attracted to him. Lalo ngayon, Nyla. The last time I saw him I was fifteen, right before I was shipped off to the U.S. He looks different now. More… I don’t know… dangerous?”

Understanding dawned on Nyla’s eyes. “Ah. The typical D and D, huh? I get you, sister.”

Dark and dangerous. Nyla understood. With the way my condition is, I shouldn’t even be thinking of things like that. What more of men like that.