Her Saviour

The letter she was not going to leave behind

She woke up to her alarm. It was 7 am. Her classes started at 10 am but she had to cook for her father. She got up and went to the kitchen. She got the ingredients out, washed them, chopped them, and started cooking them.

Her father came into the kitchen.

“Good morning”, he said. She greeted him back and continued her chores.

After she was done, she went to dress up for college. She skipped breakfast. In these past few months, she has been skipping a lot of meals and had lost a lot of weight. But no one questioned her, nor did anyone worry about it.

She grabbed her car key and her bag. She put her books in and got out of the house. She got into her car, put the key in, and started the car. She drove to her college. She had a blue car. It always took her around twenty minutes to reach her college. After she reached the college parking, she looked at the time on her phone, it was 9:20 am.

“Great, I have forty minutes to waste”, she said to herself. She started her car again and drove for five minutes to a shop nearby. She got out and went into the shop to buy a pack of cigarettes. She had been smoking for nearly five years. She got back into a car and drove to an isolated place that was five minutes away. She looked at her phone, it was 9:32 am.

She had plenty of time. She got out of her car and lit a cigarette. As she inhaled the smoke, she felt calmer. The anxiety that was always there, that she always felt vanished for a good four to five minutes she smoked. Those minutes were the ones that gave her a feeling of comfort. She enjoyed her smoke, for as long as she could. She checked the time, it was 9:38 am.

She smiled. She had time for one more piece. She lit another and enjoyed being relaxed and calm for another four minutes. She inhaled one last time and threw the cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. She checked her time again, it was 9:45 am. She got in her car and drove to college. She reached in ten minutes and had eight minutes to get to class in time.

She got out of her car, picked her bag, and locked her car. She reached her class in six minutes and went to sit in the back of the class near the window. She looked out the window.

Students were smiling and laughing and walking with their friends. She felt lonely and sad. She let out a sigh. She was always alone at college. No one sat near her, nor did she have any friends. The word 'friend' itself felt extremely alien to her.

It was not like she did not have any friends before. She had one. The one people would call a “best friend”. But not anymore. She did not know how she is and what she is doing anymore.

She snapped out of her thought and turned towards the voice. The lecture was already started. She sighed and took out her note and a pen. And then she froze. She slowly turned towards the seat next to her and saw a guy sitting there. He was intently concentrating on the lecture and taking notes. She continued to stare at him when he turned to her and smiled. Then he went back to focusing on the lecture.

She was dumbfounded. No one sat next to her. Who was this person?

“Why would anyone sit next to me?”, she thought. She has not been this confused for a while. No matter how much she thought she could not think about why anyone would want to sit next to her.

Now that she lost all interest in the lecture, she remembered that she wanted to attempt to write a suicide letter. She pushed her thoughts about this unknown guy out and flipped her note to write her suicide letter.

She thought if it was weird for her to see what she would write in a letter that she would leave and kill herself. She would not leave it behind but she was curious.

She started writing.

"First of all, none of this is anyone's fault. It's my fault. I have never imagined I would write it, though I have imagined writing it a lot. I do not know if I will be sorry that I am not alive but I can confidently say that I am glad it ended. Please do not blame yourselves. No one could have helped me. I have tried going to a therapist and I have also taken medicine to help me. But nothing worked. Nothing worked at all. It has been a long time that I had the intention of doing this- ending everything. And finally, here I am. It does feel weird knowing when someone reads this, I will be long gone. Sorry for being worthless while I was alive. Even if I stayed, I would have just used up space for someone useful. But it is better now since I have decided. It has been too long wanting to die and now that I finally have decided to, I am happy.”

She was surprised. Once she started, she continuously wrote. It flowed smoothly. It showed her how much she wanted to die. She read it again and was satisfied if these were her last words. Now that this was over, she crumbled the paper and set it aside, and tried to focus on the still ongoing lecture. After the class was over, she got up and threw the crumpled paper into the trash, and went to the next class.

But little did she know that the guy beside her was watching her the whole time she wrote her hypothetical suicide letter and when she threw it in the trash.