Shades of Love

Chapter 5

5

Friday, November 4, 1988

1:00 a.m.

Eva lie in bed with her fiancé, her face pressed against his shirt, breathing in the scent of his woodsy manly cologne. Her heart was heavy, her eyes scratchy from the thousands of tears she’d shed over the past few days.

She rolled over and the lumpy mattress creaked. In the darkness, she could see the water-stained ceiling, and the noise from rowdy drunks below was in stark contrast to the quiet of the beautiful farm where she’d grown up. Blue had rented this cramped studio apartment over the bar in the village because it was furnished and inexpensive, and he was a thrifty man.

This was her home. For now.

But not for long. Blue’s home was in Ireland, and he’d asked her to go there with him. At first, she’d been against it—it was too far away! But now, it seemed like all she had. Plus, he had a job there. A family.

It was more than she had here.

Naturally, it wasn’t ideal. She had finally decided to tell her father about the pregnancy and he had taken it as well as she had anticipated given their recent fighting.

But she had never seen him so angry. Her father had told her in no uncertain terms that she was ruining her life by being with Blue and she needed to look into termination or putting the baby up for adoption so that she could still have ‘a normal life’. He told her she should search for another place to live because he wouldn’t accept her in his house anymore if she decided to keep the baby.

Eva had never screamed at her father before, but that time she couldn’t contain her feelings. Her outrage had caused more than one person, including Brenda, to run into the living room to see what all the commotion was about and Eva had stormed out, rushing to the only stable thing in her life right now.

Blue.

“You’re awake,” he said, breaking the still silence in the darkness.

God, she’d never get tired of the sound of his voice, so harmonious, strong, and comforting. “Yes. Can’t sleep. Sorry if I woke you.”

“Shhh.” He lightly traced circles onto her back. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that I’ll have to go back there,” she whispered. “Before we leave for Ireland. I left in such a hurry the other night that I forgot so many things.”

“I see. Do you want me to go with you?”

The thought made her wince. The way her father had looked at her before she’d stormed out was, frankly, terrifying. It wasn’t the anger, so much, that scared her. When she’d looked back at him, as she pulled out of the C-shaped driveway in front of the farmhouse, his face looked older, lined, sunken with complete devastation.

Eva’s mother’s death had put a tear in her father’s heart. What if her leaving ripped his heart entirely apart? Not that he deserved her concern. No. He’d kicked her out the minute he’d discovered her pregnancy.

A lump formed in her throat, making it difficult to swallow. “No. That would make things worse,” she said through numb lips. “I’ll call Brenda.”

“It’s going to be okay, I swear it. The old Camden will realize he’s wrong about me and our future once we’re married.”

Eva wiped her nose on her sleeve and nestled against his firm chest. “Are you sure? I’ve never seen him so upset before.”

He dipped a hand under the hem of her shirt, running it up her bare back, pressing a kiss against her forehead. “You’re all he has now and though he’s angry at the moment, it won’t last for long. Believe me, he won’t want to drive his only daughter away.”

“I love you,” she said it loud, strong, sure. It was the one thing in this world she could be sure of.

“We’re going to be happy together, you just wait.”

Eva squeezed her eyes closed as more images of her father assaulted her mind. “Tell me a little more about Ireland. About your people,” she said with desperation, hoping to find something happy to concentrate on.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Everything.”

“Well. We live in an old monastery. It’s more remote than what you’re used to, but we’re self-sufficient, and we never want for anything. We all look out for one another. We’re peaceful, and reflective, and just…happy.”

“Who…who are you closest to, there?”

“Well…all of them. I consider all of them my family, and I miss them very much. I’m excited for you to be a part of our world. And we will have the biggest, grandest party that Ireland has ever seen. I promise you, you’ll never look back.”

Eva relaxed into his arms once more, feeling safe and secure. There was no question now. They would have to elope. And even though she knew this would make things harder, she hoped that her father would eventually see his grandchild, and decide he’d made a mistake.

Her father wasn’t a mean man, and he valued family, blood ties. After she was married, it would be fait-accompli and her father would have no choice but to accept his new son-in-law and grandchild.

Either that, or…she didn’t want to think about what would happen if he didn’t.

Her father always thought she was so sheltered. He’d always told her she should go out and do things on her own. He’d meant university, of course, but he probably didn’t think she had it in her to leave him.

But she would. If she had to, she would. If he father forced her to make a choice, he would lose her.

Pain lanced behind her sternum, and her eyes welled with fresh tears for the hundredth time in three days. Her entire family may have been against this marriage, but they would accept it, eventually, wouldn’t they? But what if he doesn’t ever accept my marriage? Can I live with the fact that I may have driven a permanent wedge between us?

“Have you gotten your dress yet?”

Eva sighed and rubbed her cheek against his shirt. Yet another thing she didn’t want to think about. She’d expected to look beautiful on her wedding day, but with her stomach growing under piles and piles of the cheap frilly lace dress Blue had bought her, she’d felt more like a white whale. “I picked it up yesterday.”

“Good.” His voice rumbled against her cheek. “Focus on that then, Eva. Focus on the wedding that we are going to have in Ireland, when I take you back to my people. We’re going to have the grandest celebration in the country, and you won’t even think about this muddy little English village anymore.”

She closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift away from the hurt radiating in her chest. He was right. They were going to have a wonderful, lovely wedding in Ireland, even if none of her relatives would be present. Blue had told her that his family would accept her as one of their own, and everything about his family seemed wonderful. They would be happy.

So why didn’t she feel elated?

Thursday, December 15, 1988

7:00 p.m.

“Are you sure you want to do this Eva? You can back out, you know.”

Back in her childhood bedroom, Brenda was staring at her with wide eyes. Eva’s father had gone out, and Brenda had called to give her the all-clear to come and collect the rest of her things.

Eva placed the last article of clothing in her bag and closed it. She took one long, last look around at the room she had shared with Brenda for as long as she could remember. There was the cork board filled with useless things, concert ticket stubs, and silly pictures they’d taken together over the years.

There was the closet still full of their clothing as they had given up on trying to separate them a long time ago.

Most of all, there were the memories; memories that she could not replace with anything.

And Eva had the distinct feeling that this might be the last time she ever set foot in this house. As much as she knew that she was going on to a better life, the tears gathered in her eyes and a lump lodged itself in her throat.

I’m being silly, she told herself. This isn’t a forever goodbye. I’ll be back. I’ll be back with my baby, and by then my father will welcome me with open arms.

As much as she told herself that, though, it didn’t make her feel any better. She felt like she was alone, balancing on the edge of a steep cliff, with everything she’d known forever behind her, and only uncertainty ahead.

“Oh, don’t cry,” Brenda exclaimed, patting her back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to question you. I won’t say anything else.”

“It’s not you.” Eva sniffed, wiping her eyes. Growing up, she’d loved this farm so much and never wanted to leave. Now, she truly was about to leave everything she had known, walking away to strike out on her own with the man she loved and their child.

This is right, this is right, this is right, she’d told herself time and time again, though it didn’t stop the doubts from creeping in. But with something this huge and life-altering, weren’t there always doubts, no matter how right it felt?

Shaking off those negative thoughts, Eva slung her bag over her shoulder and gave Brenda a watery smile. “Well, I guess I’m off.”

Brenda climbed off the bed and wrapped her arms around her cousin. “I hope this marriage is everything you dream it will be. Really, Eva May. I just want you to be happy.”

“Thanks, cousin.” Eva sniffed again, hugging Brenda tightly. “I will be. And you’ll be going off, too, soon, probably to university. Probably in London. And you won’t even think about me.”

Brenda gave her a doubtful look. “I’ll think of you every minute of every day.”

Eva smiled, knowing she would, too. “I’ll call you when it’s all done. I want this baby to know her aunt.”

“But I won’t be an aunt, silly…” Releasing Eva, Brenda sniffed, too. “I’m just his cousin.”

Eva shook her head and tucked a lock of Brenda’s raven hair behind her ear. “You were always like a sister to me.”

Brenda’s eyes clouded with tears once more, but Eva was already walking out of the room, attempting to hold it together for just a little longer. It wasn’t just the pregnancy causing her to be so emotional.

Walking down the stairs, Eva paused at the bottom, looking at the entrance to the den where her father always sat while watching his TV show and drinking his whisky. She really wanted to see him one last time, and not leave with such strife between them, but she was afraid he might realize her intentions and try to stop her.

She couldn’t let that happen.

“I love you, Daddy,” she whispered, hurrying past the den and out the door before she changed her mind.

Hopefully he’d understand. Hopefully he’d be able to forgive her.

Climbing into the car, Eva backed out of the driveway and headed down the dirt road to the main, paved road, pointing it toward Blue’s place. She would stay there until they made their way to Ireland where her new life would begin.

But it didn’t mean that she wasn’t leaving a piece of her heart behind.