Shades of Love

Chapter 1

1

England, Wiltshire, Lacock

Monday, October 31, 1988

9:00 p.m.

The shrill of the barn door scrapping on the metal rail cut through the crickets’ chirping, silencing them. Strangely, the door was heavier than Eva May Camden remembered, her fondest memories of the place being from a few years ago when she was on the cusp of adolescence and the barn was in constant use—day and night.

“Shhh, or they’ll know we are here,” her sixteen-year-old cousin Brenda said as she crept past Eva, lighting her cigarette.

“Well, we’re now old enough to be here after dark.” Eva’s feet crunched the dead leaves scattered over the dirt floor by the biting cold wind and she pushed hard on the door handle to close it. It slammed against the wall, causing the old building to moan and creak in complaint, mimicking the mood of her heart as she remembered the events of the last few days. She’d never been one for adventure. In her eighteen years, she’d lived a very quiet, sheltered life in their small English farming community of Lacock.

Until she’d met him.

“But my father doesn’t know I smoke,” Brenda said with a mischievous glint in her eyes, holding her cigarette between her fingers and taking a smooth drag, like a Hollywood starlet.

“Well, at least he’s not the warden like my father,” Eva said as she went to back room where the old saddles, stirrups, and all equestrian apparels were still kept, found the light switches and flipped one of them on.

When she was back near her cousin, Brenda pulled a beer can from the pocket of her coat and tossed it in Eva’s direction. “Think fast.”

Shaking her head at her cousin’s silliness, Eva caught the still cold-sweated can in her hand. “But your father’d probably still ground you for smoking and drinking beer.”

“He has to catch me first.” Brenda laughed. With an agile jump, she hoisted herself up on the gate separating the barn aisle from one of the horse stalls, straddling it. “How old were we the first time he caught us? Fourteen? Fifteen?”

“Caught you, you mean.” A rush of memories accompanied the sound of Brenda cracking open her beer can. Eva looked at hers for a moment before putting it on the ground beside her. She didn’t want the beer. Nor could she drink it in her condition. Even the thought of drinking it made her queasy. “I was just minding my own business, being the perfect little angel.”

“Don’t give me that. You were aiding and abetting!” Brenda rolled her eyes.

“Okay, okay. Yes, it was two years ago when my parents visited London and I stayed with you for a couple of weeks.”

Only two years had passed, but it felt like a lifetime ago. Eva had transformed from a sweet little angel who did as she was told to someone who snuck out of her bedroom window on a regular basis, just like Brenda had been doing most of her teen years.

Brenda only lived down at the other end of the village, maybe a mile down the long and winding dirt road where Eva’s family farm was located but, since her mother’s death, she hadn’t done a sleepover at Brenda’s cozy little cottage.

But it wasn’t that Brenda had rubbed off on her, as her father thought. So much more had happened.

“Let’s toast to a Happy Halloween.” Brenda blew out the smoke and raised the can toward her. She took a long swing before noticing that Eva wasn’t chugging along with her. She pointed a toe toward the can on the dirt floor. “Aren’t you going to drink, or are you on the wagon, love?”

Eva looked away and dug her hands into the pockets of her oversize coat, which had once belonged to Blue. He’d given it to her when during one of their late-night hook-ups in the barn when she’d been too cold, and he’d never asked her to return it. “Ah, no. I’m on a diet.”

Brenda eyed her suspiciously. “Hmmm, is that right? You’ve gained quite a few pounds very quickly, and you’ve always been so thin.”

She sucked in a breath, pasted a smile on her face, and shrugged. “Yeah, I have gained a few. Now I’m trying to lose them.”

Her cousin drank more beer, then took another deep drag from her cigarette and blew the smoke out in rings. “Was it because of your mother’s passing?”

Eva let out a sigh of relief, happy for the way out, and plastered on a smile. “Oh. Yeah. Comfort food, you know? Aunt Michelle being around all the time to cook for us hadn’t helped.” She had been using this excuse for a few months, but sooner or later—probably sooner—she would have to reveal that she wasn’t just fat. Brenda wasn’t an i***t. Nor was her aunt or her father.

“Well, her Shepherd’s Pie is to die for.” Brenda let her foot sway back and forth. The heel of her boot occasionally kicked the gate, sounding like a rusty church bell. “I think your father was fine at dinner—still a little sad, but better than last year, don’t you think?”

Eva hoisted her leg over, and joined her cousin on the gate, facing her. “Yeah, he’s doing better now.”

Everyone in the family had mourned Eva’s mother, but Eva’s father had become so absorbed in his grief that he had descended into a deep depression. He’d always been stoic and stern, the strict disciplinarian, but it was her mother that had been the light, the joy of the household. When her mother died shortly after Eva’s seventeenth birthday, it was like she’d lost both her parents. It was a pain that she’d felt so deeply, even now.

But she had more on her mind right tonight than that. Big things. Life-altering things.

Eva’s gaze dropped to the barn floor. “Do you think Father will bless my choice for a husband?”

Brenda took another long draw from the cigarette before putting it out on the ledge of the wall behind her and making sure no ember got in the hay below. “You mean, Blue?” she asked, her voice lilting and drawing out his nickname to three syllables.

Eva nodded, getting a thrill of excitement she always did whenever anyone talked of him.

“Why do you call him that?”

Eva blushed, thinking of the very first time she’d met him in the village when she’d gone to pick up her mother’s breast cancer medicine. She was hopelessly bumbling around boys, and when she ran into him, she’d looked up into two of the bluest, most piercing eyes she’d never seen. They weren’t a clear blue, but an intense shade of almost navy blue.

She could practically feel herself drowning in them, being pulled into their dark depths, but at the same time, she’d felt weightless and free, like the world was shifting ever so slightly. She’d meant to say, “Excuse me,” but all that had come out of her mouth, breathlessly, was Blue. He’d laughed and said that wasn’t his name, but she could call him that—or anything—she liked. “It’s just a term of endearment,” she said. “So, do you?”

Brenda quirked an eyebrow. “Are you bloody insane?”

Eva just stared. She shouldn’t have expected sugar-coating. Brenda was nothing if not exceedingly blunt.

“Well, what did you expect me to say?” she said with a shrug. “Your father threw him out of your house on his ear, didn’t he? Less than four months ago?”

Eva pressed her lips together. He hadn’t done that so much as forcefully shown Blue the door. Not that it was much better. But circumstances were different, now. Surely her father would be more malleable—and who knows, even happy—once he realized how much she loved Blue and the child she carried.

“You know your dad has taken your mom’s death really hard, but you can’t expect him to accept—”

“But that was when my father didn’t know Blue’s intentions. He’s proposed. He wants to marry me before Christmas. That means something.”

Brenda’s eyes widened. “Does he expect you to abandon your life here?”

“What life? All I’ve been doing before meeting him was mopping up my father’s and my tears. My life with my father is so miserable, but I’m so happy when I’m with Blue. Seems like perfect timing to move on and start a whole new life. My father’s been so dejected and depressed. Maybe…I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Maybe planning a wedding will bring him joy, especially if he sees how much I love Blue.”

Brenda gave her a doubtful look. “If he isn’t busy beating your fiancé to a pulp. So how are you going to tell him?”

Eva scrubbed her hands over her face, trying to wipe the exhaustion away. “I don’t know. I was hoping you could tell me.”

Brenda put her hand to her chest. “Me? Tell you how to talk to your father? Are you serious?” She looked up at the rafters and laughed. “Why me? Your father doesn’t like me.”

“He does,” Eva shouted, giving her a slap on the shoulder.

“Yes, he doesn’t. He thought I was such a bad influence on you. He’ll probably think I put you up to this.”

Eva sighed. No matter how she tried to sugar coat it, dealing with her father’s reaction would be bitter going down, for sure. They might not have been close, but they relied on each other. Her absence from his life could cripple him.

Brenda chewed on her bottom lip. “Eva…are you sure Blue is the right guy? After all, marriage is forever and we’re so young.”

Eva bristled. Brenda was the headstrong one, the wild one. Of the two of them, it was always expected Brenda would run away and marry first. After all, she practically had to beat men off with a stick. Why is Brenda being so cautious? “Pretty sure. We’re in love,” Eva said. “He’s wonderful, and the s*x…amazing.”

“Well, that’s good to hear.” Brenda giggled and set her beer can on the dent of the wall behind her. Then she unlatched the gate and stood up on its bottom rail, gripping the top one and flexing her body back and forth as they used to do when they were younger.

As the gate started to sway, sudden dizziness overcame Eva, who tightened her hold on the rail and complained, “Don’t do that swinging thing,”

Brenda stopped, giving her a sidelong glance. “What’s wrong with you? Are you too old now?”

“No, I’m pregnant,” she blurted.

Brenda gaped and hoisted herself back, sitting in stunned silence for a moment, like she’d been kicked by a mule. “Seriously?”

“Like I said. I’m not fat. I’m six months pregnant.” Eva pushed back her loose coat and raised her shirt, showing her belly.

“Oh my God, Eva!” Brenda put her hand over Eva’s round belly, wrapped in tight bandages, making her look like a sausage oozing out of its casing. “Your father will flip.”

“I can’t imagine why. I’m marrying the man I love, and I already adore this child.” The look in Brenda’s face was contemplative, and Eva knew she was thinking of her father’s sister. Something horrible crossed her mind. “I’m not going to give it up for adoption, like Aunt Michelle did. She still bitter about her lost kid. I’m keeping my baby. And she’s going to have two loving parents.”

Brenda patted her back. “Oh, love, of course you are. But you need to get all the facts straight before you make such a big decision. Stop avoiding the conversation with your father. Sit down and talk to him.”

“I know.” Eva nodded, gripping the rail in front of her for dear life. Her father had never been the easiest man to talk to, even before her mother had died. But now it was nearly impossible. On good days, he alternated between acerbic and unapproachable, and on bad days, he wouldn’t even get out of bed. But Brenda was right. “I will. Tomorrow.”

Brenda quirked an eyebrow. “How long have you been saying that to yourself?”

Eva gnawed on her lip. It had been at least a month. Maybe longer, before she’d started showing.

“I always try to think that we have a big reset button we can use if we like. It’s time to close the door on all the crap you’ve gone through in the past year and try to face the new one with a bit of hope.”

“I hope you’re right.” Eva paused and looked toward the hayloft. “We had so much fun growing up here. Remember the Halloween your father catch you up in that hayloft with that guy? What was his name? Karl?”

It was the first time in days Eva had been able to relax. Brenda, her cousin but also her closest friend, always brought out a child-like, carefree feeling in her, which was why she’d been so excited to get Brenda alone for one of their heart-to-hearts. It felt good to put all that weight on her shoulders away, if only for a few minutes.

“Nah.” Brenda’s giggle sounded childish to now-very-grown up, newly matured Eva’s ears. “He never caught me with Karl. It was Jason that night. I remember because he was wearing a vampire costume, but I was the one who ended up sucking.”

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Eva burst out laughing, recalling the screams and shouts that had awakened the house and Brenda’s boyfriend’s white ass when he ran away from the barn with his trousers in his hands with Brenda’s father chasing after him. “Was that just two years ago? Seems like a century.”

Brenda nodded, then picked up Eva’s beer, opened it, and tossed back a swig. She studied the can contemplatively. “So, you didn’t use protection?”

“Oh, no. We did. Most of the time. But sometimes…”

“I get it.” She wiggled her fingers. “The heat of the moment. I’ve been there.”

Eva nodded. Brenda probably had been there many times, but she hadn’t had the bad luck to get pregnant.

No. Not bad luck. This was good luck. Fate.

All she had to do was look into those hypnotizing blue eyes to feel like she’d come home. She never expected that she would be the type to fall so head over heels for a man, but something happened to her when she met Blue. It was like all of her senses not only turned on, and they went into overdrive. She’d never known lust until the first time Blue kissed her. Sometimes the heat was indescribable, uncontrollable, and there was nothing she could do but be lead about by him like a puppet on a string.

“If you could go back in time, would you have been more careful about getting pregnant?” Brenda asked.

Eva stroked the contours of her expanding belly, a thing she found herself doing a lot these days, whenever she needed a bit of comfort. She had spent her childhood dreaming of the day she’d become a mother. Truthfully, she hadn’t expected or wanted it so soon, but her fiancé said some things were just fate. Then one day, she was no longer just her anymore—the singular person she had always been—there was another human being inside her, growing and eating and kicking, and in some mystical ethereal way, communicating with her. This—meeting him, becoming pregnant with his child—was meant to be.

“No. I told you I already love my baby.” Despite Eva’s fear about her father’s reaction, she was living a dream. Her fiancé had been so sincere the night he had taken her virginity. And when she told him about her pregnancy, he’d picked her up in his arms and spun her around, only to quickly put her back down, worried he would made her sick.

“What will you do? Not go to university? Be a stay-at-home mom? Work with him? What does he do, again?”

“You know. He’s an Elder Brother at his order, in Ireland.”

“Ireland? You’re not moving there, are you?”

Eva shook her head surely. “Well, yes, if I marry him, I suppose I am.”

“Well thank God and all that is holy!” She wrinkled her nose. “What the heck is an elder brother?”

Eva shrugged. “Kind of like a pastor, I guess.”

“What does that mean? Her works for a church or something?” Brenda asked with a quizzical look. “He can’t provide for you as well as your father does.”

“How do you know?” Eva said, her annoyance growing.

Because church people forsake all their worldly possessions, or something, don’t they?” Brenda asked.

Eva laughed bitterly. “Well, you know all about it, considering you haven’t seen the inside of a church since you were baptized.”

Brenda held up her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Geez. I was only teasing you.”

It was only when she heard Brenda’s apologetic tone that Eva realized she’d been going on the defensive, her voice steadily rising. Why did every obstacle seem stacked against her? Sure, Eva giving herself to her boyfriend had been pure impulse and done solely on emotion—which was never a good way to do things—but she didn’t regret it a single minute. “The thing is, in the past few years, everything in my life has been going to s**t. I’ve been feeling like every time I turned around, I’d lose enough part of myself. And then Blue came, and turned things around, made me whole. He’s a good guy.”

Brenda swung her leg back over the gate, jumped down and reached up to help Eva down. “Did I say he wasn’t?”

“No. I’m just saying I’m sure I made the right choice. That’s all.” Eva brushed her hands over her skirt and adjusted her coat in a way that covered her belly well. “But you’re right. He doesn’t have much money. I’m going to have to ask my father for my inheritance.”

Brenda choked. “So, you’re telling him you’re pregnant, running away with a man he disapproves of, and asking him for money…and you expect he’ll be happy about it?”

Hearing Brenda lay it out this way forced Eva to realize how silly she’d been to hope. She sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. “He doesn’t have to accept us. He just has to accept that this is my life, and I’m sure this is what I want.”

Brenda leaned her arm against the wall and peeked into an empty stall. “I’m glad you’re sure. Sometimes I don’t know.”

“But I do, and that’s what is important.” Eva opened the barn door with renewed determination. All she’d ever wanted since she lost her mother was a safe place to call home, and her fiancé was her safe place. “And yes. He’s not wealthy, but he’s willing to work hard to provide for us.”

Brenda turned off the lights. “It’s hard to imagine you with kids of your own. How far along did you say you are?”

They linked their arms as they used to do when they were kids and walked back toward the main house where the adults—her father, and Brenda’s parents—had gathered for dinner. “Six months. Almost seven. I went to a free clinic in London…once.”

“Once?” Brenda asked, looking just like her mother would’ve in the light of the full moon.

“I’m planning to go again.”

Every light in Eva’s family farmhouse was on, and the home looked more alive than it had since before her mother had passed. For so long, often, her father would trudge around the hallways of the grand old home in darkness, and sometimes Eva would feel like a prisoner in a medieval castle. It was nice to see life in it again.

“You should,” Brenda said as they climbed the stairs to the front porch. “I could even go with you.”

Eva smiled, touched by the gesture.

Standing at the front door, Brenda squeezed Eva close to her side. “Whatever happens, it’ll be okay. Even if your father isn’t, I’ll be there for you.”

Eva leaned into her, hugging her back as tears pricked her eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices my father made for me without even asking if I wanted them, and the ones I want to make for myself.”

“Sounds like you’ve spent too much time examining the past, and not enough planning for the future,” Brenda said. “Things might have turned out differently if he’d let you stay with us during his depression. Sometimes it’s better to have a bad influence than no influence at all.”

Brenda wasn’t a bad influence as much as she thought she was. Sometimes, she was Eva’s rudder, guiding her through the storm. And yes, maybe, if she’d been stuck in Brenda’s shadow, where she’d usually been relegated whenever beautiful Brenda appeared, she never would have met him.

But meeting Blue was a good thing. A great thing, she reminded herself, and the reason she had a future. Eva took a deep breath. “I guess it’s time to go have that talk with my father.”

“And if he isn’t understanding?”

“I’ll drive myself mad thinking about all the what ifs,” Eva mumbled, crossing her arms in front of her chest as if the gesture could stop the doubts out of her mind. But the unsureness and confusion kept nagging her: What would her father say? What would he do? Would she even be able to sleep in her own bed that night, or would he toss her out into the streets?

But Brenda was right about one thing, Eva couldn’t make any decisions before talking to her father.

No, all the decisions, it turned out, still lay in his hands.