Bound To you

Chapter 23

Rika didn’t lie. She had been telling nothing but the truth to ELI the whole time. But now, she couldn't go back. It’s done. It’s over. Their love is lost somewhere in the unfair atmosphere of this world and she shall never find it anymore. She must forget about ELI Swan and everything she has ever lived with her.

ELI’s Point of View

On the next day, ELI woke up feeling tired and weak she could barely stand; her face was sticky from last night’s tears and her head was pounding so hard she thought it would explode. Ruby entered her room in a rush, speaking loudly and telling ELI that she was late. But the blonde didn't care. She was not going to school today.

“Stop screaming, Ruby. I’m not going to school,” ELI grumbled from the bed.

Ruby leaned over the bed and stared at ELI’s crumpling form with a frown. “ELI, are you okay?”

“No. Just go. I don’t want to talk.”

“Your eyes are red. Were you crying during the night?”

“Ruby, leave me alone!” She snapped, hiding her face with the pillow as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Hope you’re okay, sis.”

Ruby left and ELI fell asleep again. It was better than staying awake with terrible thoughts of rejection in her mind.

She suddenly woke up a few hours later and wondered if all of what happened yesterday had been a dream. She checked her phone and opened iMessage. Maybe she had been dreaming the whole time! But no, unfortunately, the cruel texts and the freaking call were all there.

ELI closed her eyes, trying to fight back the tears that insisted to escape her eyes every time she opened them. She read everything over and over, waiting for it to magically disappear, but it remained there and it was not going away.

After a while of staring at the white ceiling, tasting her own salty tears, she decided to sleep again, so her brain would have a break.

She woke up three hours later with the beep of a new text on her phone. She immediately unblocked it and was waiting patiently to see Rika’s name in there, but no, it wasn’t her. It was Ruby texting her non-stop:

Did something happen between you and Rika?

ELI, I’m worried about you. Please, talk to me.

Rika doesn't look good today. She looks tired and it seems like she had been crying during the night. I saw this morning that you were crying as well. What happened?

She keeps staring at your empty chair as if you would appear magically in there. That’s so weird. 

I’ve been observing her and sometimes her eyes are very watery like she’s about to cry.

Seriously, what happened?

ELI slammed her phone on the bed, crying compulsively as images of Rika passed through her mind. This was too hard for her to bear. She didn’t want to feel like this.

The next time she woke up, she was being shaken by eager hands.

“ELI, you’ve been sleeping all day!” Ruby said as ELI covered her eyes with her hands. “And you have been crying. I’m so worried about you. Please, tell me what happened.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“It’s about Rika, isn’t it?” ELI closed her eyes tightly as another tear fell down. “I’m sorry,” Ruby murmured, and the blonde kept staring fixedly at a spot on the wall. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat if you want.”

“I don’t want to eat.”

“You look pale, ELI. Granny will be worried about you. And if this is about Rika, I assume you won’t want to tell her.”

“Tell her I’m sick.”

“Okay, don’t fall asleep again. I’ll make you some soup.”

Thirty-minutes later, ELI was eating the soup Ruby had made for her while being stared at by her brunette friend, who was probably dying of curiosity by now. Taking a deep breath, ELI decided to start talking, “Rika broke up with me.”

Ruby’s eyes widened immediately. “What? Why?”

“She was acting very weird yesterday. She didn't tell me why, even though I asked her a thousand times. And then, at night, she called me.” ELI took another deep breath, fighting the urge to cry. “She said we couldn’t be together anymore. She said it was wrong and illegal and that it would never work out.”

“Bu-but I thought you two were fine! After the weekend and everything. You told me yesterday that she said I love you!” Ruby protested, feeling outraged herself.

“Well, she did say that, but I guess she just lied to make me feel good,” ELI explained sullenly, shrugging as if she didn’t care.

“Why would she break up with you after all this time? It doesn't make any sense!”

“I asked her the same question. She said she had to do this. She didn't say anything else and just hung up on me.”

Ruby gaped upon hearing that. “How was she capable of doing such a horrible thing with you?”

“We’ve had this conversation about insecurities and fears before. And then, she just says she can’t do it anymore. I don’t understand,” ELI said, feeling extremely weak and stupid when tears started rolling down her cheeks again. “I can’t believe she did this to me.” She covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

“Oh, ELI…” Ruby sat down on the bed and pulled ELI closer to console her.

“I love her so much, Ruby. I have never felt this way with anyone else. And I wasn't ready for this. The pain is too strong. Love hurts too badly, I can’t-”

“Hey, no. Stop crying. Forget about her.”

“Ruby, I can’t forget her even if I wanted to,” ELI confessed, feeling her heart clench, hurt, destroy in pieces…

“She was such a coward, ELI. Breaking up with you on the phone? Seriously? She couldn't even look into your eyes and say it to your face!” Ruby protested while shaking her head, from side to side, clearly disapproving of Rika’s actions. “She doesn't deserve you.”

“But I need her.”

“No, ELI, you don’t!”

ELI shook her head and pulled away from Ruby to lay down on the bed again. “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I want to sleep.”

“Okay, I will let you. Stay strong, ELI.” Ruby kissed ELI’s forehead and left the room.

xXx

On the morning after, Granny entered ELI’s bedroom with a frown. “ELI, darling, what’s happening with you?”

ELI was feeling very sleepy, and she didn't want to talk right now. “I’m sick.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Um, I think it’s a cold,” she lied.

“Do you want some medicine?”

“Ruby already gave it to me. Don’t worry.”

“Do you want me to tell your teachers at school? Do you have any important assignments to deliver?” Just the mention of the word ‘teacher’ made her heart cringe in pain.

“No, Granny, it’s all fine. Don’t worry.”

“Okay. I’ll leave for work. If you’re feeling worse, just call me, okay?”

“Okay.”

After that encounter, even though she was tired as hell, she couldn't manage to sleep at all that afternoon. She spent the day in complete shock, staring at the ceiling as painful thoughts tormented her. Her brain was somehow looking for reasons for Rika to do that to her. It all happened so fast: one day they were saying, ‘I love you’ and the other, they’re not together anymore.

ELI kept thinking about how cruel Rika had been with her. After everything they’ve been through, the declarations, the moments… Everything was rolling around in circles in her mind. Rika had asked ELI to forget about her, but how is she supposed to do that? How is she supposed to forget the woman she loves?

As more tears rolled on her cheeks, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep once more.

The next time she woke up, was during the night and she could hear the rain pouring loudly outside her window. Her heart was beating too fast for comfort because she just had a nightmare. Memories of the orphanage and being abandoned by her unknown parents came to torment her once more in her life. She immediately tried to forget about this and put her hands over her heart to control the beating. The cold material she found around her neck brought even more pain to her heart: the apple necklace. Rika’s birthday gift for her. The gift she gave with the purpose that ELI would never forget about her. How f*****g painful is that now?

Her heart felt butchered, her love taken away bit by bit. The walls that help her, that made her strong just… collapsed. Moment by moment, they fell. And it was hard to keep going, to move, to… live.

She was laying quietly in her bed, forcing herself to forget the great memories with Rika. But she couldn't. Her brain was betraying her as she remembered everything they’ve done together, and one very special moment, among all the others, she remembered the photos they took together. The photos demonstrated how happy they were together. How amazing the moment had been and now… they’re only memories.

She stood up quickly, feeling dizzy the minute her feet touched the floor; she managed to walk to her drawer and opened it carefully, already feeling eager about what she was going to find in there.

Photos. Photos of her and Rika kissing and smiling at each other; photos of them smiling at the camera. They looked so reckless; their eyes were sparkling and their grins showing how incredible the moment had been. Everything was perfectly fine… and now, everything was a mess.

xXx

On the next morning, Granny barged into ELI’s room, causing her head to hurt even more than it already was. “ELI, you don’t have a cold. Your nose is perfectly fine. Only your eyes that look red all the time. Have you been crying?”

“Granny, please… I don’t want to talk.”

Ruby stormed into the room minutes later. “Granny, no. Leave her.”

“She’s not okay!” Granny protested.

“No, she is not. But she needs some space.”

“She is not sick, and she is not going to school. That’s very serious. ELI, what’s happening with you, sweetie?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I need to be alone.”

“I’ll leave you alone for now, but I want explanations later!” Granny exclaimed authoritatively.

“Let’s go, Granny.” Ruby pulled her grandma by the arm and they left the room.

When night arrived once again and Ruby and Granny had arrived, ELI was surprised to see that her grandma hadn't come into her room demanding explanations right away. She just brought good food to her in bed, kissed her forehead, and then left.

Ruby may have talked to her or something and ELI was very grateful for that. At least her family could understand and be giving her some space.

During the weekend, ELI felt even worse. Feelings that she hadn't been feeling for a long time came back to bother her. Loneliness, insomnia, heartbreak… all combined in one person. ELI kept wondering that it was some cruelty of life that a heart can keep on beating even after it had been broken in two. ELI wasn't coping properly. She wasn't okay at all. It was only getting worse, day by day…

Right then, ELI realized she had been locked in her room for days now; she has been living in the darkness, alone, feeling horribly rejected and unloved and this was all Rika’s fault. She was immensely hurt and didn't know what to do to herself anymore.

There was a knock on the door and she allowed the person to get in. It was Ruby with a frown and a sad expression on her face… just like every day. She was feeling pitiful for ELI and she hated that.

“Hey,” the brunette murmured. “How are you feeling?”

“How do you think I’m feeling?” She snapped.

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay… I know I’m a mess and being very rude to you. I just… I’m sorry.”

“No need to say sorry, Emms. I understand you and I can give you the amount of space you need.”

“Thank you.”

“Granny is worried, though. She has been pushing me to tell what’s happening to you, but I can’t tell her. It has to be you.”

“I know. Tell her to wait. I’ll tell her eventually.”

“Okay.”

They spent some minutes in silence, comforting each other with their eyes; no words needed at that moment.

“You know something you could do to relieve the pain?” Ruby said and ELI stared curiously at her. “Write about Rika. Write about what she’s making you feel, like a letter.”

“Are you sure that would help me?”

“It could. Maybe you should write her flaws as well.”

“She nearly has flaws,” ELI mocked, remembering how perfect Rika is.

“ELI, everyone has flaws. Just write everything you’re feeling and imagine you’re going to give it to her. Or you can even burn it! I’m sure you will feel better soon after that.”

The blonde nodded reluctantly, but inside, she knew that none of this pain she was feeling would go away anytime soon.

Love is hard. Heartbreak is even harder.

But she decided to follow Ruby’s advice. What’s better than writing her emotions in a paper?

After her friend left, ELI stood up and grabbed a paper and a pencil. Now, she was ready to put out every single emotion she was feeling:

Rika,

I can’t stop loving you. You betrayed my affections and left my heart in shattered pieces. Every single time, even though you’re not here, you steal a part of me, and you make it impossible for me to put myself together.

All I am is sadness, every other emotion pushed from my being. Where there was the love, light, laughter… is now an aching hollowness. I was honest, truthful and full of more love for you than you can ever understand. I have been soft, kind and gentle — and yet you ignored my feelings and threw me away like a piece of trash.

I called for you, held my hands and let my face become wet with untold tears, but you would not return to my love. And so my world has become blacker than it ever was before, darker for your absence, loneliness crippling my every thought. 

Before I met you, my heart was soft. With you, it became strong and vibrant. Now, it is simply broken.

ELI Swan

It had been hard to focus on her own clumsy writing when her eyes were totally soaked with tears. She had never written something so emotional and painful before. She was feeling so lonely like she used to be when she was in the orphanage. ELI never thought this horrible feeling would come back to torment her. But here it was, taking over her heart, minute by minute.

xXx

About 2 a.m., horrible insomnia attacked her brain and left her helpless without any sleep. ELI was also feeling so lonely that she decided to sing a song… She needed to let out her feelings of abandonment somehow.

She sat on the bench by the electric keyboard in the corner and touched the keys softly. Her fingers pressed the light note and music filled the empty, silent room.

With tears already rolling on her face, she started singing the lyrics of the pain she was feeling right at the moment:

[Play on The Lonely by Christina Perri]  

2 a.m., where do I begin?

Crying off my face again

The silent sounds of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in 

To take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside

For the pain of one more loveless night

But the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me 'til I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in

To take my heart again

Broken pieces of

A barely breathing story

Where there once was love

Now there's only me and the lonely

The door of her bedroom was suddenly opened and Ruby stormed inside, her arms opened wide. She sat on the bench beside ELI and hugged her tightly. The blonde sobbed into Ruby’s chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. The brunette held her in silence, rocking her slowly as tears soaked her chest.

xXx

On Sunday morning, ELI woke up with Ruby by her side, hugging her tightly. Last night had been a vivid nightmare. She used to feel extremely lonely in the orphanage and when she told that to Ruby, her friend always stayed with her until she was feeling better. Ruby was surely the best sister and best friend she could ever ask for.

She moved on the bed and the huge brown eyes opened quickly to focus on her. “Are you okay, blondie?”

“I’m better now. Thanks for staying with me.”

“You know I’m always here when you need me.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“Okay, it’s Sunday already, it has been a week and I think it’s time to tell Granny. She’s practically ripping her hair off her head in worry.”

“Will you be by my side when I tell her?”

“Absolutely, blondie. I love you,” Ruby said, and kissed ELI on the cheek tenderly.

“I love you, too.”

xXx

“Granny, I need to tell you what’s happening with me,” ELI said after Eugenia entered her bedroom.

“Okay, I’m all ears for you, darling.”

“Fine. I’m not sick, as you’ve realized. I’m heartbroken.”

“You’re what? Heartbroken? ELI, you fell in love?”

“Yes, Granny. I fell in the trap of love,” she muttered sullenly.

“Who broke your heart? Tell me right now and I’ll kick his ass!”

“No, please, no. For starters, it’s not a boy.” Eugenia’s eyes widened slightly and ELI took a deep breath. “I fell in love with a woman, Granny.”

After long seconds of silence, Granny murmured, “Wow…”

“Yeah, Ruby was shocked too, at first.”

“What did this woman do to break your heart?”

“Well, it’s complicated.” ELI grimaced. “This woman is my history teacher.”

“What?” Granny exclaimed, her face demonstrating how surprised she was.

“Yes. We started a relationship a month ago-”

“A relationship?”

“Yes-”

“But teacher and student… it-it’s wrong.”

ELI closed her eyes and Ruby supported her by placing her hands on her shoulders. “That’s what she said when she broke up with me.”

“Oh, ELI… I’m sorry, I didn't mean that.” Granny sat on the bed and hugged her granddaughter. “I didn't have any idea of what was happening with you. Now I understand why you don’t want to go to school. It’s because she’s there.”

“Yes. I don’t want to see her and pretend that nothing has ever happened between us.”

“She’s the teacher you were studying with a while ago?”

“Yes.”

“The teacher I spoke on the phone with?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, all right. So there is no boy in the story?”

“I’m a lesbian, Granny,” ELI confessed, feeling her hands shake and heart leap in her chest.

“O-okay. I have no problem with that… I’m just a little bit surprised.”

“I know, but thank you for supporting me.” ELI smiled despite the pain.

“I love you and I’ll support you no matter what. But… you can’t live like this, sweetie. You need to forget this woman. If she broke up with you, it’s because she doesn't deserve you.”

“That’s exactly what I said to her,” Ruby commented.

“Yeah, it sounds easy to say, but you really think I can forget her easily like you’re saying?”

“We know it’s hard, sweetie-”

“It’s really f*****g hard. I love her with every beat of my heart. I can’t forget her like a snap of fingers. She’ll be forever in my memories. It’s impossible to forget her.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Granny muttered pitifully.

“I wish I hadn't fallen in love with her.”

“Love is hard, ELI. But you can’t lose your hope.”

“I already did.”

That night, before falling asleep, ELI wrote more words to Rika:

Rika,

Some nights I regret giving you my heart.

xXx

The following week, ELI was feeling extremely angry at Rika and was refusing to cry. She was still not going to school and she didn’t plan to see Rika anytime soon. Her brain was still trying to find more reasons for her teacher to do that to her… But it didn’t come up with anything plausible.

This heartbreak felt cold. It felt like concrete dying in her chest. But she was transforming it into anger for the brunette. No more thinking about love — only anger and regrets.

ELI left her bedroom for the first time that week and went downstairs to the kitchen. She needed to eat something and she wouldn't stay in bed like an invalid person. She was not sick. Right now, she was refusing to keep loving Rika.

The front door opened and closed and then Ruby was in the kitchen, smiling at ELI. “Blondie! I’m so glad you left that bedroom. It was about time!”

“I know.”

“Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make something.”

“Okay…” A few minutes of silence until Ruby continued again, “Guess who surprisingly talked to me today?”

ELI straightened her eyes and looked intently at Ruby. Her heart started beating faster as she thought about Rika. “Who?”

“Rika.”

“What- why was she talking to you?” She stammered, feeling her hands sweating slightly.

“She came to ask about you, obviously.”

ELI swallowed hard, feeling extremely anxious at what she was about to hear. “What did she say?”

“Miss Lucas, may I talk to you for a minute?”

“Um, yes.” Ruby reluctantly walked closer to Rika’s desk in the classroom, just after the lesson had ended.

“I know that you live with ELI and I- um, I wanted to know why she isn't coming to class?”

Ruby looked at the teacher in a condescending way. “I’m surprised you don't know why she’s not coming.” 

Rika swallowed hard before speaking. “Is she okay?”

“She has never been better, actually.” Ruby smiled falsely, daring the woman to say something.

“Oh? Why isn't she coming to class, then?”

“I’m sorry, Miss Mills, but how dare you ask about ELI after what you’ve done? Do you think you have the right to do that?”

“I’m just worried-”

“Oh, so now you’re worried about her? But you sure weren't when you called her to end everything, right? You didn't care about her feelings or anything else.”

“Miss Lucas, I care about her-”

“No, you are a complete liar and you don’t deserve any information. ELI is not okay right now, but she’s going to be. She is better without you. You don’t deserve her love.” Rika’s eyes watered while Ruby walked away.

“So, she was worried about me?” ELI managed to ask, her voice low and weak as she tried to hold back her tears.

Ruby shrugged. “She seemed to be.”

“And she said she cared about me?”

“Yes.”

“You were very harsh with her, Ruby.”

“Are you serious?” Ruby rolled her eyes. “She hurt you, ELI. She deserved that.”

“Did she look happy somehow?”

“Quite the contrary. Her eyes were watery when I said she didn't deserve your love. Actually, she looks very sad every day. She’s a professional and a very good teacher, but I guess I’m not the only one who noticed how sad she is.”

“There’s no reason for her to be sad, right? She was the one who broke up with me. She can’t feel sad because that was her decision!” ELI protested, feeling anger boil inside her.

“Exactly.”

“Why is she sad, Ruby? There has to be a reason for that,” she pressed on, trying to figure it out and make up her mind somehow…

“ELI, don’t-”

“No, something just… doesn't feel right.”

xXx

On the next day, Ruby entered ELI’s bedroom staring at her with an inquisitive look. “ELI, why is your name on the Talent Show’s list?”

“Because I… Rika put it there. She persuaded me to sing.”

“Really? And you let her?”

“Well, when she told me, it was already done. But I’m not going to participate. That will only hurt me more.”

“No, ELI. You should definitely sing. You should write a song to her and sing it; show that you are strong enough to face her. You’ve been avoiding school for almost two weeks now. It’s time to come back to life.”

“Ruby, I-”

“No apologies. It’s also about time for you to show your talent to the world.”

“Okay… But only if I can write a good song.”

“I know you can."

Talent Show

ELI was able to write a song. She had cried so f*****g much while writing it that she was wondering if she would be able to hold back her tears in front of the audience.

A few weeks ago, ELI would be completely terrified to sing in front of all those people. But now, her heart felt like a black hole of dust crashed by soft hands. The owner of those hands was going to be there, probably sitting in the front seat. But ELI didn’t care. She knew she could do it and she would demonstrate all her emotions through this song.

ELI was the last one to perform. She had butterflies in her stomach, but everything was fine. She was going to do this.

When she walked on the stage, her heart started beating fast as she stared at the huge audience in front of her. Her hands started sweating when she saw the woman who had broken her heart seated right in the front row.

“And with the last performance of today, ELI Swan! She’s going to sing a song she wrote herself. Oh wow, she’s courageous! Rock it, ELI!”