Numinous

Thirteen

Benj looked down at his phone again and sighed.

He didn’t want to believe it, but Avery hadn’t shown up to their date. He was sure that they had agreed on meeting at the restaurant at eight and it was now a little past ten O’clock and still there was no sign of her. He had half a mind to worry about her. Was she okay? Did something happen? Why didn’t she show up? Did she realize he wasn’t what she wanted and didn’t know how to tell him?

He had been waiting here at the table for over two hours, and had just started ordering drinks to pass the time and not look so awkward sitting in the middle of a fancy restaurant by himself with nothing to do but feel sorry for himself. He kept going through his phone like he would find answers inside of it, but he knew he should just leave.

It was clear she had stood him up and it hurt him to his core. He had thought they liked each other. At least enough to show up for one another. He was going to ask her to be his girlfriend officially, since they hadn’t really spoken about it to each other but obviously felt the same connection—did he make the entire thing up?

He waved the waiter over and asked for his check after his tenth beer, paid his tab before leaving and decided he would walk over to her apartment to see if she was home and had just forgotten about him. That would be embarrassing for him, but he was drunk and his judgement was a little off, as was his balance, but as he flipped his headphones up, he steadied himself and made his way out onto the street, shivering in the cold weather, longing for summer. The winter season wasn’t even in full swing yet and he hated every bit of his time spent outside.

Her apartment was only a few blocks down from the restaurant he had just sat at for the duration of the night. He had chosen something in the middle of the city so she wouldn’t have to travel too far to see him. He usually got worried about her walking alone at night, even though she was a full grown woman—he still got anxious and always wanted to escort her to and from their dates, although he knew how overbearing that was.

He had been hoping that perhaps after tonight, if she said yes to being his girlfriend, that it would become easier for her to accept that he wanted her to be safe at all times and stop rejecting his offers to walk her home or pick her up from her place.

Once he’d made his way to her apartment, he stepped onto the stoop and knocked. There was no answer from the other side and it seemed as if she wasn’t home. He knocked again, but to no avail. He sighed and shook his head, stepping down back onto the sidewalk and turning around to face her job.

It looked like they had closed down early tonight. It was dark inside, which was unusual for a business that stayed open until midnight every night. It was only just before eleven O’clock. He crossed the street in a jog and tried the doors to the diner, unsurprised that they were locked.

There was no signage posted about the early closure, and no sign of movement inside. Benj even pressed his face against the glass to see if anyone was in the back, and he saw nothing—not even a shadow. It didn’t add up, but he didn’t know why it didn’t. He stood on the sidewalk for a long while trying to piece it together in some way that made sense to him, but he couldn’t. Avery had disappeared on the same night her place of employment seemed to have shut down for no apparent reason. His mind was racing but he didn’t know what to do with the information swirling around in his head and he was already drunk off of his ass.

He decided to give up, making his way down the street, ordering a cab on his phone and walking to a gas station to meet it there. He felt like his heart had deflated inside of his chest, his mind still reeling when he climbed into the back of the cab clumsily.

Avery wasn’t at home and she wasn’t at work and she wasn’t with him. It didn’t seem like she would have a very rich social life by the conversations they had, but perhaps that was only what she had wanted him to think. But that didn’t stop his worry from growing into panic.

Where was she?

Who was she with?

Why was the diner closed early?

Why did he feel so upset?

He didn’t even know if she was in any type of trouble. She could have just decided she was done seeing him. Benj thought he knew her better than that after getting to know her like he had. It didn’t mean he was correct, though. It didn’t mean he knew anything about her at all. If it was true, what scared her off? What turned her off of the idea of being with him? Why was he always so clueless about these kinds of things?

What had he done to deserve being stood up like this again and again? Was this just one sided? Had it been one sided all along and he was just too stupid to realize it? He was used to being the one who cared more, but he had never been fooled this hard. He had never felt this blind-sided before.

***

Benj somehow found himself in Jessica’s apartment building, in front of her door ringing her doorbell over and over in a drunken stupor. He didn’t know why he did it so urgently except for the fact that he was having a full blown panic attack while being equally wasted.

“Knock it off, I’m coming!” He heard her bellow from somewhere inside.

His fingers refused to halt. He was restless and upset and couldn’t control his limbs. The door swung open to reveal his best friend in a white tank top and gray sweats. She had her pink phone in her hand and her hair was up in a messy bun. He was surprised she was staying in on a Friday night. She usually had a booming nightlife and never liked to stay in when she could be out and seen by potential love interests. She took one look at his miserable face and frowned. “What happened? I thought you had your date tonight?” Benj sighed and ran a hand down his face, breathing jaggedly as he tried and failed to pull himself together.

“I t-thought I d-did too. Can I—can I c-come i-inside?” She had stepped aside before he even finished and he shuffled inside, wiping his boots on the rug in front of the door before toeing off his shoes and turning to his best friend. “She…I t-think she s-stood m-me up?” He said, uncertain if that was even the right wording. What she really had done was make him feel and look like a fool.

“I—I waited there for t-two whole hours and I…I feel stupid and lonely and just so f*****g…I’m lonely, Jess, and I thought I finally f-found someone who made me feel less lonely and I didn’t, she was just pretending.” He couldn’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes. He felt like a little b***h crying like this over some woman he barely knew, but he had feelings for her he couldn’t understand and it hurt him more than he figured it should to have her not reciprocate.

“Oh, Benj,” She pulled him into a hug as he sobbed, arms wrapping around her waist. “I’m so tired of wanting people more than they want me. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Jessy, I’m tired.” She ran her hands up and down his back and it soothed him a little bit. He wasn’t one to be held very often. Touching was foreign to him, but it felt good at this moment. “Here, come on, let’s get you comfy, okay?” She pulled away and took his hand. She led him into her bedroom and sat him on her king-sized bed. Her room was huge, with a mini bar in the corner due to her alcoholism. She went over and grabbed a bottle of tequila, and then went to her dresser to grab a blunt from a cigarette case she left on the top of it.

Jessica opened the bottle and took a swig before handing it to Benj. “Drink up, babe.” He took a long drink from the bottle and laid back on the bed and let out a groan. Jessica belly-flopped beside him onto the bed and reached under her pink heart shaped pillow for a lighter, bringing it to the blunt that was held in her mouth and lit the flame. Benj watched as she took a few drags before taking the blunt from her lips and perching it between Benj’s parted ones. He took a draw from it then lifted it from his mouth and handed it back.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s so wrong with me that I got stood up by someone I really thought liked me back?  Did I come on too strong? Am I that un-datable? Am I that unlikable? Am I ugly? What is it?”

“There is nothing wrong with you. Look at you—you’re f*****g stunning. And charming, and wonderful to be around. She’s a f*****g i***t if she let you go, Benj. Seriously, you’re a catch.” Although he appreciated his friend’s words, they didn’t make him feel any better. He still felt broken inside and like he failed at getting his soulmate to see him the way he saw her.

Was it weird to think of her as his soulmate? After only a few weeks of non-exclusively dating her? He just felt like he knew her somehow. Like he’d met her in another lifetime. He knew he played things up in his head and romanticized things. He was soft and fell easily and loved hard and he usually liked that part of himself. He usually liked that he was softer than most people. He usually didn’t mind the affection he held for other people in his life, but he minded this.

He minded thinking the world of a woman who clearly didn’t think the same way about him. It seemed like he always ran into the same issues with women. Perhaps he should give up dating for good and learn to be content by himself, but even that seemed impossible.

He pretended to be okay most of the time, but he really wanted to belong somewhere. To someone. To something. All of these pieces of his life seemed to be forced together and misshapen. They were all pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, but fashioned the wrong way. He hated his job, he hated his schooling; hell—he even hated his friends most of the time.

He had never felt like he belonged anywhere, so being with Avery and feeling so happy and comfortable made him romanticize the feeling. Made him want it more and more. The more time he spent with her, the more he could see them falling into forever. He could see being with her, and building things with her. He saw a partner in her and he’d never really seen that in anyone before. His past relationships never felt this right. Never felt like life or death if he didn’t get a call back. He wondered if the feeling of wanting Avery would ever subside, or if it would keep growing until it consumed him. Ate him up.

“Benj,” Jessica was saying. He had tuned out while thinking of Avery and met Jessica’s gaze. She leaned over top of him, smiling down at him and he sighed as he felt her hand caress his cheek. He suddenly felt starved for affection. Like if he didn’t feel somebody’s hands on him, he just might die.

He sat up and pressed his lips to hers, moaning as her arms went around his neck and she slipped into his lap. It had been too long since he had kissed someone else. He couldn’t even remember the last time he held someone so close. Jessica was warm in his arms, her lips soft. He felt himself getting excited when she ran her hands through his curls, her nails grazing his neck lightly, giving him goosebumps.

Jessica pushed him back onto the bed and straddled him, hands creeping underneath his shirt. Benj shut his eyes as she bit her lip and was surprised at how easy it was to imagine Avery’s hands in Jessica’s place. Even as she leaned down to press her lips back to his, he imagined Avery’s lips were upon his, and it was her body that he was touching.

He felt hot with need, Avery’s name on the tip of his tongue before he came to his senses. He was using Jessica. He was using her to fill a void Avery had put in his heart, and he couldn’t do this to his best friend. He couldn’t sleep with her—no matter how frustrated he was. He sat up and broke their kiss.

“Oh, god, Jess, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I can’t believe myself,”

He was too ashamed to even look at her as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and put his face in his hands. “What? What is it?” She asked him, out of breath, her hand on his back as she tried and failed to soothe him again.

“I…I shouldn’t have come here. I’m drunk out of my f*****g mind, and I…I shouldn’t have kissed you. That was a mistake, we’re friends. Best friends, and I can’t lose you just because I fell for the wrong one again. I’m sorry, I have to go.” He told her. He left her room and made a beeline for the front door, jamming his feet into his shoes.

“Wait, Benj, don’t go! You’re drunk, I don’t think you’ll make it home safely, and besides, I don’t mind that you kissed me, Benj. I wanted you to kiss me. I don’t know how long I’ve wanted you to f*****g kiss me. Just—take your shoes off and get back in my bed, please?” Benj shook his head.

“No. No, I’m so sorry, Jess, I can’t do that to you. I’m a f*****g mess and I don’t know what I want. I’m not in the right headspace and I shouldn’t have done what I just did. I have very serious feelings for Avery that haven’t gone away and I’m incapable of feeling anything else right now. It’s unfair and I’m sorry…I just need to go.” He unlocked the door and pulled it open stepping out into the hall.

He left before she could say anything else to him.