Torn pages

THE SHADOW IN MY EYES

It was a hot afternoon and i decided to take a swim. I prepared a bottle of cold beverage to take with me. August weather wasn’t doing my skin any good. I headed to our backyard, where we had a small family pool. I jumped in and sat at the middle of the pool, reminiscing the happy days where my parents, siblings and i would happily gather for a family swim. Those memories were beginning to fade quickly. Even though i fought them not to.

Dad was an assistant pastor and mum was a librarian. I had two older siblings and two younger ones. It was a bit difficult fending for ourselves since dad was in ministry and mum was only getting little from her work place. Dylan, our first child and boy, was working as a part-time waiter in a small restaurant just down the road. Sylvia, my immediate elder sister, worked in a night club as a waitress. That was the only job she could find, even with several disapproval from my dad.

I, Samantha, was ordered to stay home and look after my two younger siblings, Aloha and Juan. I was adamant to this decision because i also wanted to be supportive in contributing to the family’s welfare even though i was just 17.

I could get the job offered by our neighbour to babysit her dog, but mum said a stern no! We lived in a small house given to us by the church dad has been pastoring for the last 7 years.

We had a little vegetable garden at our backyard that has been faithful to us all these years. Even though we were somewhat of a middle class family, we lived happily. Or did we?*** *** ***A heavy object hit the wall just as another was making its way to the window. Mum and Dad were at it again. We’ve been a happy family for a long time until something terrible happened. Mum was caught having an affair with the butcher close to her workplace. A butcher? You may ask. Yes. He was her ex from way back. He was a very successful butcher, whose monthly earning was more than my dad’s annual earnings. Sometimes, mum would bring back a well prepared pork stew and say it was given to her by a friend from work. We wouldn’t ask, but instead dive into it like hungry beasts. Dad inclusive.

Some other times, she would bring half a boar and say it was a gift from a distant cousin. Lies upon lies. But this time around she wasn’t lucky. Dad caught her red handed, having physical touch with the butcher at his abattoir. He stood behind her, his hands slowly moving from her hips to her waist to underneath her blouse. She threw her head backwards, allowing it rest on his shoulders, releasing light moans as he caressed her. One of his hands went down to her skirts and made traces around her private parts. Her pleasure intensified as he turned her and gave her a deep kiss. In return she kept her hands on the bulge of his pants, making light circles and giving it a sweet grab.

Dad stood watching. His eyes welled up tears as he stared at his wife, heartbroken. Coming home, he walked up the stairs and locked himself indoors till mum came back from work, bringing another ‘gift’ with her. Dad, seeing her furiously grabbed the meat soup and threw it out the door. We all opened our mouth open. “What happened? Why did you throw our dinner out the door? What has come over you?” mum asked, almost crying.Dad was crying. Dad? Cry? I’ve never seen him do that. He looked disappointed, like he was betrayed. We couldn’t understand the motive behind his sudden action. Mum ran up the stairs and he followed abruptly, grabbing her by the hair. They created a little scene before going to their room and locking the door behind them. What just happened? My siblings and i exchanged looks, trying to ask each other if they knew what could have made dad behave like that. We could hear dad’s voice rising above the ceiling and mum was weeping, sounding apologetic and yet defensive. My siblings and i tried eavesdropping and the only thing we heard was “... you are a w***e!” Dad had said those words.To mum.He had addressed her as a whore.A word that has never been said in the house.We looked at each other and then Dylan whispered to us to go back to our rooms.*** *** ***I sat at the edge of my bed, holding the blanket so close to my chest, thinking about what i had just heard. A w***e? Was mum cheating on dad? With who? Why? Since when? How? Several questions came running through my mind and i fought hard not to think about them. This was going to scatter our home. Dad was a very angry man, just before he gave his life to Christ and volunteered to be an assistant pastor.

Now the anger is back. Hell has been let loose.Everyone was cautious of whatever they did in the house as days went by. There wasn’t much of a conversation between mum and dad because they weren’t even sleeping in the same room anymore. We, the children, knew it wise not to ask about what happened. Life, from that day, was like five children living with two strangers. Everything was upside down. It happened that mum had been having an affair with the butcher for 8 years, and none of us suspected a thing about it. They had started the relationship the year before dad gave his life to Christ, which was the same year Juan was conceived of. You can guess right. Juan is the butcher’s son.

Dad became a dad shadow of himself. He resigned from the church and gradually began to fall back to his old way of life. He began to resent Mum and but couldn’t bring himself to look at Juan anymore. He barely came back home, and when he decides to, he returns smelling of marijuana.He became distant from every living soul in the house and this greatly affected us as a family. Conversations around the house seemed to have been banned. Laughter ceased.

Joy ran out through the window, and gloom became our shadows.They filed for a divorce. Mum took Juan, left the house and went to live with the butcher. Dad still wallowed in the shadow of himself, even after several attempts from us to make him forgive her and move on. I sat there in the pool, drinking my cold beverage and staring at the house; one that was filled with love and joy suddenly looked like a shadow in my eyes.