The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

Chapter 66

Enter a COURTEZAN

COURTEZAN. Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.

I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.

Is that the chain you promis'd me to-day?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, is this Mistress Satan?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. It is the devil.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nay, she is worse, she is the devil's

dam, and here she comes in the habit of a light wench; and

thereof comes that the wenches say 'God damn me!' That's

as much to say 'God make me a light wench!' It is written

they appear to men like angels of light; light is an effect

of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn.

Come not near her.

COURTEZAN. Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.

Will you go with me? We'll mend our dinner here.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat,

or bespeak a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, he must have a long spoon

that must eat with the devil.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Avoid then, fiend! What tell'st thou me of supping?

Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress;

I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

COURTEZAN. Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,

Or, for my diamond, the chain you promis'd,

And I'll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Some devils ask but the parings of one's nail,

A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,

A nut, a cherry-stone;

But she, more covetous, would have a chain.

Master, be wise; an if you give it her,

The devil will shake her chain, and fright us with it.

COURTEZAN. I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain;

I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. 'Fly pride' says the peacock. Mistress, that you know.

<Exeunt ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

COURTEZAN. Now, out of doubt, Antipholus is mad,

Else would he never so demean himself.

A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,

And for the same he promis'd me a chain;

Both one and other he denies me now.

The reason that I gather he is mad,

Besides this present instance of his rage,

Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner

Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.

Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,

On purpose shut the doors against his way.

My way is now to hie home to his house,

And tell his wife that, being lunatic,

He rush'd into my house and took perforce

My ring away. This course I fittest choose,

For forty ducats is too much to lose.

<Exit

SCENE 4A street

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS with the OFFICER

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Fear me not, man; I will not break away.

I'll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,

To warrant thee, as I am 'rested for.

My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,

And will not lightly trust the messenger.

That I should be attach'd in Ephesus,

I tell you 'twill sound harshly in her cars.

Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS, with a rope's-end

Here comes my man; I think he brings the money. How now, sir! Have you that I sent you for? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them all. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. But where's the money? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Five hundred ducats, villain, for rope? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I'll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. To what end did I bid thee hie thee home? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. To a rope's-end, sir; and to that end am I return'd. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And to that end, sir, I will welcome you. [Beating him] OFFICER. Good sir, be patient. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, 'tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity. OFFICER. Good now, hold thy tongue. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou whoreson, senseless villain! DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I am an ass indeed; you may prove it by my long 'ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold he heats me with beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am wak'd with it when I sleep; rais'd with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcom'd home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders as beggar wont her brat; and I think, when he hath lam'd me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTEZAN, and a SCHOOLMASTER call'd PINCH

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; or

rather, to prophesy like the parrot, 'Beware the rope's-end.'

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Wilt thou still talk?

[Beating him]

COURTEZAN. How say you now? Is not your husband mad?

ADRIANA. His incivility confirms no less.

Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer:

Establish him in his true sense again,

And I will please you what you will demand.

LUCIANA. Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

COURTEZAN. Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.

PINCH. Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

[Striking him]

PINCH. I charge thee, Satan, hous'd within this man,

To yield possession to my holy prayers,

And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight.

I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.

ADRIANA. O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You minion, you, are these your customers?

Did this companion with the saffron face

Revel and feast it at my house to-day,

Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,

And I denied to enter in my house?

ADRIANA. O husband, God doth know you din'd at home,

Where would you had remain'd until this time,

Free from these slanders and this open shame!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Din'd at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Sir, Sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Were not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Perdie, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And did not she herself revile me there?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Sans fable, she herself revil'd you there.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And did not I in rage depart from thence?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. In verity, you did. My bones bear witness,

That since have felt the vigour of his rage.

ADRIANA. Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?

PINCH. It is no shame; the fellow finds his vein,

And, yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.

ADRIANA. Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,

By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Money by me! Heart and goodwill you might,

But surely, master, not a rag of money.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Went'st not thou to her for purse of ducats?

ADRIANA. He came to me, and I deliver'd it.

LUCIANA. And I am witness with her that she did.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. God and the rope-maker bear me witness

That I was sent for nothing but a rope!

PINCH. Mistress, both man and master is possess'd;

I know it by their pale and deadly looks.

They must be bound, and laid in some dark room.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?

And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

ADRIANA. I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. And, gentle master, I receiv'd no gold;

But I confess, sir, that we were lock'd out.

ADRIANA. Dissembling villain, thou speak'st false in both.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,

And art confederate with a damned pack

To make a loathsome abject scorn of me;

But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyes

That would behold in me this shameful sport.

ADRIANA. O, bind him, bind him; let him not come near me.

PINCH. More company! The fiend is strong within him.

Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives

LUCIANA. Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,

I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them

To make a rescue?

OFFICER. Masters, let him go;

He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

PINCH. Go bind this man, for he is frantic too.

[They bind DROMIO]

ADRIANA. What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?

Hast thou delight to see a wretched man

Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

OFFICER. He is my prisoner; if I let him go,

The debt he owes will be requir'd of me.

ADRIANA. I will discharge thee ere I go from thee;

Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,

And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.

Good Master Doctor, see him safe convey'd

Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. O most unhappy strumpet!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Master, I am here ent'red in bond for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Out on thee, villian! Wherefore

dost thou mad me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Will you be bound for nothing?

Be mad, good master; cry 'The devil!'

LUCIANA. God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!

ADRIANA. Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.

<Exeunt all but ADRIANA, LUCIANA, OFFICERS, and COURTEZAN

Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

OFFICER. One Angelo, a goldsmith; do you know him?

ADRIANA. I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

OFFICER. Two hundred ducats.

ADRIANA. Say, how grows it due?

OFFICER. Due for a chain your husband had of him.

ADRIANA. He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.

COURTEZAN. When as your husband, all in rage, to-day

Came to my house, and took away my ring-

The ring I saw upon his finger now-

Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

ADRIANA. It may be so, but I did never see it.

Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is;

I long to know the truth hereof at large.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, with his rapier drawn, and

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

LUCIANA. God, for thy mercy! they are loose again. ADRIANA. And come with naked swords. Let's call more help to have them bound again. OFFICER. Away, they'll kill us! <Exeunt all but ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE as fast as may be, frighted ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I see these witches are afraid of swords. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. She that would be your wife now ran from you. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence. I long that we were safe and sound aboard. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us no harm; you saw they speak us fair, give us gold; methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I will not stay to-night for all the town; Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard. <Exeunt

ACT V. SCENE 1A street before a priory

Enter SECOND MERCHANT and ANGELO

ANGELO. I am sorry, sir, that I have hind'red you;

But I protest he had the chain of me,

Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

SECOND MERCHANT. How is the man esteem'd here in the city?

ANGELO. Of very reverend reputation, sir,

Of credit infinite, highly belov'd,

Second to none that lives here in the city;

His word might bear my wealth at any time.

SECOND MERCHANT. Speak softly; yonder, as I think, he walks.