Guardian Of The Betas Heir

3 - I hate this

Michael

I hate this part of the month, coming to Blue Fire to visit the child I can barely stand to look at. It kills me because of the guilt I carry. I love my daughter; I really do. But being near her hurts when she is a constant reminder that her mother is no longer here with us.

I do not blame Sylva for Audrey’s death. The child is never to blame, even though I know that’s how it looks. I blame myself. I wasn’t there when Audrey needed me, and I will never forgive myself for that.

Where was I when Audrey was giving birth and dying?

Training with Sebastian. Sebastian is the next Lycan King, and I am his Beta. Every day, there is something we must do, lessons we must learn. It doesn’t end for us because the day is approaching when Sebastian will take over the throne. We must be ready because Thane and Lyric could, at any time, decide today is the day they step down.

Audrey and I weren’t mates, but we were best friends. We grew up together, and we were as close as two friends could be. Of course, she was friends with Sebastian, too. When he found his mate, Echo, Audrey was beside herself with glee. Echo and Audrey got on like a house on fire, and the four of us spent a lot of time together.

What happened between us shouldn’t have happened. However, we were at a party at Knight Castle. The Lycan King and Queen were throwing a party for the young twins, Ruby and Colson’s thirteenth birthday. Audrey and I added Kathien to our drink, a plant that, once crushed and added to alcohol, helps Lycans get drunk. Regular alcohol has no effect on Lycans, no matter how much you consume. So, adding the Kathien helps. We drank a little too much and ended up in bed together.

We awakened the following morning in one of the guest rooms in Knight Castle. We looked at each other and groaned. Audrey and I were embarrassed, not knowing what the hell led us to sleep together. There was no sexua.l feelings between us, and there never had been. So, I blamed the drink. Neither of us remembered having se.x, but it was clear we had because she smelled like me, and I smelled like her.

We instantly knew Audrey was pregnant. We’re Lycans; we know these things right away. We had been stupid, and now we were having a child! Audrey was scared and said she didn’t know if she wanted the baby. Audrey had wanted to wait for her mate before sleeping with anyone. But clearly, that didn’t happen. She was crying, upset because she’d given her virginity to me while intoxicated, and I felt like shi.t because of it.

I held her close and told Audrey that I would take her as my chosen mate. But Audrey didn’t want that, either. To be honest, nor did I, but I wanted to do the right thing. After a long talk, Audrey broke down and said she couldn’t even think of ending the pregnancy. She felt so much love for our child, and I was proud of her for that. I wanted the baby but would never have forced Audrey to do anything she wasn’t ready for.

In the end, we decided we would raise the baby together but as friends. When and if we found our mates, all we could do was pray they understood what happened between us and that they accepted our child.

My family was not pleased that a Prince of Lycans and Dragons would be so stupid as to get drunk and impregnate a woman who wasn’t his mate. I had duties and standing, and having a child who wasn’t my mate’s child would look bad to the outside world. I didn’t give a damn!

However, they were proud that I wanted to stand up and be a father to my child. They gave all their support to Audrey and me. Mom even said that if there was anyone, I accidentally got pregnant; she was glad it was my best friend. I don’t know why, but it made me laugh out loud. But I hugged and thanked my mother for always being on my side.

Audrey met her mate a week later. She feared he would reject her once he found out she was pregnant with someone else’s child. But Audrey was instantly honest with her mate. She didn’t want him to touch her until he knew the truth. Carl wanted nothing more than to be with Audrey and even agreed that raising the child together was a great idea. As long as I was okay with him being in the baby’s life, he had no problem with us co-parenting.

Of course, I didn’t have a problem with it; I liked Carl. The three of us got on well, and I knew my child would be loved by the three of us. However, the pregnancy was complicated, and Audrey was sick a lot. It got so bad at one point that Carl was afraid he would lose the love of his life. Little did either of us know how accurate that assumption was.

Audrey died during childbirth. Her body couldn’t take the pain, and her heart gave out. Her Lycan couldn’t fight because she was just too weak, and they succumbed to death.

I was devastated, but not more than Carl, who killed himself not an hour later. The man couldn’t bear the thought of being without Audrey. The pain was too much for him, and I lost them both.

The child survived, but I couldn’t bear to have anything to do with her. I felt like she had cursed us all. I was hurt, and I hit out in the worst way. Hell, I even named her Silver, the one thing that causes Lycans and Werewolves pain. My mother was furious and spelled the child’s name as Sylva. She even slapped me across the face and told me how cruel I was. The Goddess knows I was cruel.

Against the advice and pleas of my family, I sent the child to Blue Fire. I ordered my great-grandmother to find the baby a Nanny and put them in a cottage away from the castle. I didn’t want my family to get close to the child, and I didn’t want my family to raise her.

Why would I?

I couldn’t stand the thought of accidentally bumping into my daughter. My family disagreed, of course, and my mother begged me to allow her to raise the baby. But I swore if they didn’t do what I asked, I would send the child away to live with humans. If anyone went against me, they wouldn’t see me or the child again.

Both the Dragon and Lycan King said they could command me to keep the baby. I told them they could, but it wouldn’t be fair to the child. I wasn’t in the right headspace, and they knew that.

Was I being fair to anyone?

No, especially not my daughter. But grief and guilt ravaged my insides, and I couldn’t snap myself out of the pain. I threw myself into work and my duties, ignoring the fact I even had a child until that one day a month when I had no choice but to see her. That was the deal I made with the Dragon King. He would make sure Sylva was taken care of, I didn’t have to raise her, but I had to see her once a month so she knew who I was. She didn’t have a mother, and it was vile to make the child believe she had no father.

Now, every time I see Sylva, she leaves upset. I don’t mean to make her cry, but I don’t know how to let my walls down and show her that I love her. Because I do love her so much. I guess I’m scared of what I’ll see if I let her into my heart.

Audrey would hate me for what I’ve done and would have every right. All those promises I made to be the best dad I could be went up in smoke when Audrey died.

I had my older brother, Mark, on my case this morning. I was getting ready to leave when he barged into my house and demanded I talk to him. I must admit that I’ve pushed my family away these past few years.

Mark wanted me to allow him to raise Sylva with his children. Mark and his mate Sophie have a daughter Sylva’s age, and my child would fit well with little Hannah and the boys.

I know deep down that Sylva deserves more than to be hidden away like she has the plague. She deserves a family who will love and care for her, and not a Nanny while seeing no one else but once a month.

“Michael, please just think about it.”

I rolled my eyes while combing my hair. “I’m sick of hearing it, Mark.”

“I don’t care!” He bellowed while grabbing my arm and forcing me to look at him. Mark and I are the same height, six foot eight, but he’s bigger built than I am. “This shi.t has gone on long enough, Michael. We’ve given you time to grieve. We’ve put up with your demands to have Sylva shoved away from her family. But it has to stop.

“This isn’t normal, Michael. That baby girl should be with her family. She shouldn’t be being raised by a woman none of us know. Sylva should be with kids her own age. How is she meant to have any social skills if she’s never around other children? I get that you don’t want to raise her, but you have no idea what you’re missing out on.”

I did know what I was missing out on. I had spent the past month since my last visit with Sylva thinking about it. I remember how her sweet little eyes looked into my soul. Something inside me shifted that day. I tried to push it away, but my heart and mind kept wandering back to that baby girl. Something inside of me shifted, and I did not know how to deal with it.

“Leave me alone, Mark,” I said with little effort.

“I can’t do that, Michael. I hate seeing you like this. You’re hurting yourself and your daughter through your misplaced guilt. Audrey didn’t die because of anything you did or didn’t do.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to hear what my brother was saying. I had been secretly going through therapy to try and understand why I felt the way I did. For almost three years, I had treated my child like a leper, and I wanted to know why.

Therapy has been helping me to understand things. But that didn’t mean I was fixed or that I was ready to let go of certain things. I would get there one day, but that day was not today.

“I don’t have time for this, Mark. I have to get to Blue Fire.”

Mark sighed. “Just think about what I’ve asked, Michael. You don’t have to raise Sylva, but at least let her come home to family.”

I tipped my head, letting Mark believe I would think about his request when I had no intention of it. Then, I left.

Now, I’m sitting in the library at Blue Fire Castle. This is the room where I always have my meetings with Sylva. She likes to read pictures in books and make up her own stories. I’m nervous, and I don’t know why. I have never felt this way coming to see my daughter before.

Things are changing. I don’t want Sylva to leave this room in tears today. I want to try to be the dad she deserves. I know things can’t continue to go on the way they have been. It doesn’t matter how I feel, but it does matter how Sylva feels. I don’t want her to grow up wondering why she wasn’t enough for me. It’s me who isn’t enough for her, but I want to be.

Usually, when Sylva walks into this room, I say Hello, and then she sits reading while I ignore her. We don’t talk because I get inside my own head about things that should no longer matter.

What kind of man did I turn into?

How could I be so cruel to the baby I helped create?

Sylva doesn’t have a mother. She doesn’t even have a father because I am a useless one. But that’s all about to change. I swear it.