Stryker

14 - Telling him my past

****Trigger Warning: this chapter includes talk of past trauma, including childhood SA. This chapter may be triggering for some readers, but there are no indepth details.****

Coral

Stryker slams me back against the wall, his teeth nipping at my lower lip. He’s hungry for me, and I’m starving for him. We’ve never gotten this close to having actual se.x before. I want him. I want him so badly that I can’t stop digging my fingernails into his back as I pull him closer.

His greedy hands travel over my body, and my head drops back. There’s no better feeling in the world than his hands and lips on me. However, I can’t sleep with him. As much as I want to, I can’t until he knows the truth. I trust him with my life, and I know once Shepard finds out about us, he’ll flip the fuc.k out. He’ll tell Stryker about what I’ve been through without even meaning to. I can’t risk him finding out from someone else.

No, it has to come from me and now.

“Stryker,” I groan while pushing him by the chest away from me. “We can’t.”

I can sense his annoyance. I don’t want him to be annoyed with me. I know how this must look to him; I’ve been leading him on for weeks. I didn’t mean to. He’s the best thing to have happened to me, and I’m ruining it with the way I’m acting.

He rakes his fingers through his long hair and sighs.

“Please don’t be angry with me, Stryker. I don’t mean to be this way.” I can feel the tears building in my eyes. I won’t cry, but I can’t help feeling stupid.

“I’m not angry with you, baby girl.” He tips my chin up with his fingertips. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. It’s just that you’re so goddamned beautiful that I can’t help needing to touch you.”

“I want you to touch me, Stryker. You know I love it when you touch me. I want us to take the next step. Really, I do. It’s just that there’s something I really need to tell you before we go any further.”

He touches my face gently.

How can a man so dangerous, so powerful, be so gentle in the way he touches me?

I close my eyes briefly, savoring the feeling of his big hand caressing my cheek.

“Hey,”

I smile and open my eyes.

He has no idea how he’s made me fall in love with him, and I am so in love with him. I never knew it could be like this. All the years, I’ve kept myself away from any real relationship because I was scared to get close to anyone; I thought maybe I was missing out somehow. Now I know I was merely saving myself the beautiful man in front of me.

“Whatever you have to tell me, nothing will change how I feel about you.”

I want to ask him what he feels for me, but I don’t want him to tell me only for his answer to change once he hears what I have to say.

“Can we sit down?”

He kisses my head and then leads me into the living room. We sit down on the couch, hand in hand, and I’m so nervous I’m fighting the urge to vomit.

“Calm down, Coral. Whatever you have to tell me can’t be that bad.”

“It is.” I swallow hard. “It really is.”

He strokes my face and says, “Just take a deep breath. Everything will be all right, I promise.”

I nod.

I hope he still says that when I’m through spilling my shameful secret. After telling my parents and the police, Shepard, BlackJack, and Titus what happened to me, I have never openly spoken about it with anyone again.

I rub my free hand down the leg of my jeans and begin.

Please don’t leave me once you know, Stryker. I’m putting all my faith in you right now in a way I never have anyone else. Show me I’m not wasting my time in giving you my heart.

“When I was twelve, I was kidnapped.” I’ve only got that far, and I can feel the anger radiating off him. “I was kidnapped by a man in a leather cut, much like the one you wear, only with a different emblem. I was walking home from my friend’s house that day, the day it happened. I was allowed to walk home alone because my friend only lived two blocks from my house, and my mom always trusted me to walk the short distance there and back.

“He pulled up on his bike and asked me where I was going. I wasn’t scared of him because he reminded me of Shepard; he looked like him a little but with scars on his face. Even though my dad had told me hundreds of times that not all bikers are nice and that I should not talk to strangers, I thought I knew better.

“He seemed nice, so I talked to him. He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on his bike. I said no. I knew that I should never go anywhere with strangers. Talking to him was one thing, but my parents had drummed into me plenty of what strangers could do if you went off with them, so I walked away.

“I don’t remember anything after that until he woke me up with a slap to my face a while later. He’d knocked me out and kidnapped me on his bike in broad daylight, and no one saw a thing.”

I shudder, a whole-body shiver. I’ve blocked this out for so long. I had to; the memories and the nightmares were so vivid that I couldn’t function for quite a while. It took a lot of therapy to sort me out. Even though I never told the therapist much of what happened to me, they already knew because my mother had filled them in. I swore I’d never talk about it again. However, if I want to be with Stryker, and if I want us to have any future together, I know there can be no secrets between us. I don’t want him to find out about this from anyone else.

“It’s okay,” He whispers, all the time holding my hand tightly.

I take a deep breath and carry on.

“He tied my hands together. He told me that I had to be a good girl for him. If I wasn’t, he’d kill me. I was so scared.”

Stryker clutches my hand even tighter. That alone gives me the strength to carry on.

“I cried. I wanted to go home. He told me that he'd let me go home if I showed him...” I can’t say it. I feel sick. “I wouldn’t. I told him that he couldn’t make me. He was a grown man in his thirties, but he didn’t care. He told me I was beautiful and that he had to have perfect beauty; he had to have me.” I hiccup a sob.

This is so hard.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

But it is, and that’s why I’ll get straight to the point.

“He raped me.” You could hear a damn pin drop right now. “Three times while he choked and beat me.”

Stryker isn’t saying anything. I’m not sure if I should carry on or not.

I will because he needs to know everything.

“He left me there tied up. I was scared that he’d come back, terrified that he wouldn’t. I struggled to free myself, but I did it, and I ran so far. I didn’t know the way home, but I saw the Snakes clubhouse and Shepard’s bike. I knew he’d fix everything.

“Roman was on the gate. He was a prospect at the time. He took one look at me and asked me what the hell had happened. I couldn’t speak, only Shepard’s name. Roman took me inside without touching me. I don’t know,” I sigh. “I guess he worked it out for himself that something terrible had happened to me.

“The second I saw Shepard, I ran to him. I told him what happened, and he took me to the hospital. Everything is all a blur after that, a blur of doctors prodding and poking at me. My parent’s crying, police officers talking to me, asking me what happened.”

“Did they catch the guy?” Stryker says that through his teeth, he’s angry, furious.

“No. I described somebody completely different.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because I was twelve, Stryker! I was scared to death that he’d find me, that he’d hurt me worse before the police found him!”

What else was I supposed to think at that age?

The man had terrified me into silence, and I honestly believe that if I hadn’t escaped, he would have come back and killed me. Not many pedophile.s leave their victims alive, or so a cop told me.

“A few weeks later, when my mother finally allowed me out of the house to see Shepard, and only at his house because of what he’d done for us, for me. I was playing with Willow. I couldn’t even play with Jett, my best friend, the way I used to because I was too afraid. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but I was changed inside. The door knocked. Shepard answered. There was a man there, they were arguing. I don’t remember about what.”

I pull my hand from Stryker’s and scrub both of mine over my face.

“I recognized the voice.”

“Jesus,” His voice is low, but he hissed the word.

“I was so afraid that I peed myself.” I did pee all over myself, my eyes wide, chest heaving. I thought he’d found me. I thought he’d come to kill me. “I remember Shepard yelling how he’d kill the guy if he ever came back there. When Shepard came back into the room, he looked right at me, and his eyes went wide. He knew without me saying anything that the man at the door was the man who hurt me.

“I don’t know what happened to the guy, but I heard Shepard tell my dad that he’d kill him. He wouldn’t stop until he was dead. That very night, we left Tennessee for California. Shepard thought it would be better if I were away from the place it happened.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“There's more.”

“More?” I look him in the eye and nod. “What else is there, Coral?”

“I had a baby, Stryker.” His eyes widen so much I’m scared they’re about to pop out of his head! “I loved her so much. I wanted to keep her. I didn’t understand why my parents wouldn’t look at her. I guess I didn’t fully appreciate that she was the product of what happened to me back then. I just saw her as this special little gift God had given me.

“My mom wanted me to give my baby to someone who would be able to take better care of her. My parents made valid points. I was too young to care for her and give her everything she needed. I would never be able to afford everything I needed for her; they weren’t rich people, and we had enough money to keep us all safe, but with an extra mouth to feed, no one to take care of her while I was at school because my parent’s worked, we’d struggle.

“My mom told me I’d never be able to finish school or go to college to get any kind of degree, which would mean I’d have no money or place to live when I was older. My baby would have a hard childhood, and that was unfair to her.

“It didn’t matter how much I loved her because it would never be enough. I would never be enough. So, I agreed with what they wanted.

“My dad called Shepard, and he arrived with BlackJack a week after I gave birth. Shepard said it would be best to give my baby to someone who could look after her, just like my parents had. I didn't want to, but I let her go. I did what was right for her. I’ll see her one day and tell her how I have always thought about her and never stopped loving her, my little Elisha.”

We’re silent for a while. There’s nothing left to say. I have no more secrets to tell him.

Things feel different all of a sudden. I can feel Stryker pulling away from me. Yes, he’s sitting right next to me, but emotionally, I feel him pulling away, and that hurts so much. I have fallen so hard for him, but I know I’ll pick myself up and move on.

That’s what I do.

I pick myself up each time my heart is broken, and I move on. Protect my heart. That’s what I have to do. It’s better to do it now rather than later.

“I'd like you to leave.” I get out of my seat and fold my arms around myself.

Stryker says nothing as he gets out of his seat.

This is it; he’s leaving. I just need to hold it together until he leaves. I can break down then. I’ll cry him out of my system and get the fuc.k on with my life.