Dearest Luke

Chapter Eight - What Am I Doing?

☽ Luke ☾

“Do you have to go?” Nia asked me as she sat on the edge of my bed. I continued packing my things and ignored her question. It was time for me to return to my community service. “Luke, must you really?” she pushed.

“Florence has given me as much time as she could,” I responded. Silence fell between us as I finished up packing. Once done, I sat down next to her and pulled her into my arms. Mitch Owen had been deemed guilty and had been sentenced to twelve years in prison. I guess I should be relieved about the verdict. Happy even, but I wasn’t. Zion had explained that it’s better than what the council would’ve given. I thought back to Derick’s case and had to agree. That man had been the death of who knows how many wolves and he got five years.

“I’ll miss you,” she whispered, and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her onto my lap.

“Me too,” I said as I pressed a quick kiss to her pouting lips. She smelt heavenly and I moved her back onto her spot on the bed. It wouldn’t be wise for me to act on the passion and desire I felt constantly for her. Not yet anyway. I stood up and glanced down at her. She was still pouting and looked so freaking sexy that all I could do was simply smile at my mate.

“How long will you be gone for?” she asked.

“Two months,” I said as I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulder. Florence had worked out a schedule for me to make up for the lost time. I was, of course, grateful but I would be lying if I said I was happy. I wanted to be here, with my mate, forever.

“And I won’t be seeing you on the weekends,” she stated, and I nodded. I had to work on weekends too and admittedly that sucked. “I hope time goes by quickly,” she muttered, probably more to herself, so I chose to ignore that statement. I grabbed her hand and pulled her up. We made our way downstairs and outside. “Luke,” she called out and stopped me from climbing into my truck. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Nia pushed her hair out her face as she leaned up on her tippy toes and kissed me hard. It was enduring and felt like a promise. I smiled before getting in and closing the door. Driving away from Nia was by far the hardest thing to do.

☽☽☾☾

I sighed as I pushed the mop into the bucket of water. I was almost done mopping the training room floor and I let my mind wander off. One more week and then my overtime would be finished. These past couple of months had not been easy and I couldn’t wait to see Nia again. I missed my mate. Although we spoke on a daily basis and texted each other as much as possible, I still missed her. I missed seeing her and holding her in my arms. I wanted to see for myself how she was doing, I didn’t always believe her when she said she was fine. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and finished off the floor. It was time for my lunch, and I was quite hungry. I took the bucket and mop into the bathroom and emptied the dirty water. I slowly made my way to the packhouse in search of food and I smiled warmly at the kitchen staff.

“Luke, your lunch is in the fridge,” one of the females said and I nodded in thanks and took out a lunch box with my name on it from the fridge before going back outside. I headed to one of the many benches and sat down to eat. Opening the box, I inspected the contents and was pleasantly surprised to find a toasted bun with a piece of steak with lettuce, tomatoes, and onion. It smelt delicious. I took a ravenous bite and enjoyed the juicy steak. As I ate, I thought about the voicemail message my brother had left for me the night before. He wanted to talk to me about something. I should probably call him back. Especially since I hadn’t bothered to talk to him in over a month. I thought about my brother and his little family as I finished off the meal.

“Luke?” I looked up and smiled at the little girl before me. Each day she would come bearing a gift of some sort. It was adorable and filled my heart with warmth and affection.

“Hmm?” I hummed as I placed the empty lunch box next to me on the bench.

“I brought you something,” she said as she held out a small basket. My mind went wild with possibilities and I graciously took the gift. “Don’t open it now,” she blurted out, just as I was about to do just that. I nodded quickly before setting it aside.

“Thank you,” I said softly. The little girl, who I had found out was eight years old and loved to surprise wolves with random little gifts, skipped away, and left me alone. Esmeralda was quite enchanting and so far, she had gifted me with a book (which I had eagerly read that same day) and a box of dark chocolates. She hadn’t given me any indication as to when I could open the gift and I suddenly felt sad. I wasn’t going to be at this pack for much longer and I realized I would miss her. We didn’t talk and often she didn’t stay longer than five minutes, but her presence always seemed to put me at ease and relax me. It was on the third day that I knew I wanted to have children of my own. However, as I thought that, I realized that Nia may not want children. I didn’t really know my mate and it pained me. I had to be supportive of my mate and help her wherever I could. With a big sigh, I took out my phone and called my brother.

“Well, well, well, he is alive,” he said as a greeting and I smirked as I sat back on the bench and relaxed.

“Hmm, how are you brother?” I asked him.

“All things considering, I am doing well. Polly and Sam are out for a walk,” it was quiet between us and I wondered once again, what was it he wanted to talk to me about. “Luke, I heard about your mate,” he finally revealed his reason behind wanting to talk to me. This was possibly the reason I had been avoiding him and his calls.

“Yes?”

“We are so sorry that happened. How is she holding up?” he asked. I appreciated his concern and his sympathy, but I was also annoyed.

“I haven’t a clue,” I spat out. “Have you forgotten my community service?”

“No, but surely-”

“Surely what? I have to get back to work, thank you for your concern,” I said before hanging up. It was pointless trying to explain how I felt. I just wanted this time to be finished so that I could get on with my life. I wanted to be with Nia. End of story.

☽ Nia ☾

Two days and Luke would be coming home. I was excited to see my mate again. I had missed him and although we spoke every day, it just wasn’t enough. I ran my hand over my tummy and groaned. I was pregnant and I had been keeping it a secret by spending most of my time with Joyce and Matilda. Both my parents were worried as the only time I came home was when they weren’t around. I knew their schedules so well that I could be at home when they weren’t. How convenient.  Hiding my pregnancy was quite a task. Being a shifter, pregnancy isn’t the same as humans. It goes by far quicker and I estimated that the pup would be born within the next two to three months. A pup I didn’t want. A pup conceived by Mitch. Just thinking about him made the bile rise up and I swallowed repeatedly until the moment passed. I had gotten quite good at it. However, it didn’t last as long as I realized that Luke was coming home. In two days! How could I tell my mate that I was pregnant? I hated Mitch with such a passion. I hated what he had done to me and to others. In this time, I had found out that the reason he had been given such heavy sentencing was due to the fact that three others had come forward. Claiming he had violated them also. After the further investigation had taken place, it had been confirmed. I dated that maniac for so long! Since high school and I realized I had never truly known him. How could he do such a thing? My mind wandered back to the unborn pup I was carrying, and I knew I would never be able to accept him or her. It was hard enough that my virginity had been stolen, it was hard enough to not remember it, now I had to have a constant reminder. No, I didn’t think I would be able to live with it. I shook my head and turned my attention back to the movie I was watching with Cameron and his new girlfriend, whose name I couldn’t remember. I stood up and excused myself and headed to the guest bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I thought of what my options were. I hated the idea of killing the unborn pup, but I couldn’t imagine bringing him or her into this world. I was worried I would fall in love and want to keep it. No, to keep him or her. I considered my options and I knew I had to confide in someone. I thought about Joyce, but then quickly dismissed that. She had become quite close to my parents and I feared she may reveal my secret. Maybe Matilda? Although she now also knew the truth about me and my family, she wasn’t nearly as close to them. Should I trust her? Should I seek out her advice? Or should I just go to a human hospital and seek advice there?

“Nia? Are you ok in there?” Matilda’s voice echoed out and I pulled open the door and grabbed her wrist. “Woah, are you…what’s wrong?” I closed the door behind her and looked at her closely.

“Can I trust you?” I asked her.

“Of course,” she whispered as she removed my fingers from around her wrist.

“I’m pregnant,” I announced softly. Matilda took a shaky step back and eyed me out.

“Oh my, is it…his?”

“Yes,” I answered although I thought it was pointless.

“What are you going to do?” she questioned, and I shook my head. I needed to try and organize my thoughts.

“I’m conflicted,” I admitted as I sat down on the edge of the bath. “I don’t want it, I mean I don’t want him or her,” I confessed as I rubbed at my eyes, trying my best not to cry.

“You could give it up for adoption,” she suggested but I cringed at the idea. “Don’t tell me you are considering abortion?”

“I don’t know Matilda, I am scared that if I give birth that I won’t want to let him or her go,”

“Then? Why don’t you just keep the baby?”

“Because I don’t want to be reminded of how that baby had been conceived,” I said as I looked up at the ceiling.

“Well, it's not their fault,” she argued, and I nodded. She had a point. “But that is a decision only you can make,” she sat down next to me. “I don’t know what to say, Nia, I am not in your situation, but I do think that you should discuss this with your parents. They may be able to give you better advice than I can,” I looked away from her, she was wrong. I couldn't discuss this with my parents. They would undoubtedly force me to keep the pup and I truly didn't believe that I could. I suddenly remembered my mother telling me about a human doctor that had been changed but still worked at her practice. I could go and see her. I smiled sadly at Matilda and ushered her back to the sitting room. I would go and see that doctor tomorrow. With a plan now in mind, I relaxed a bit and watched the rest of the movie.

☽☽☾☾

Life wasn’t fair, I had officially decided. Sitting in the waiting room was nerve-racking enough and not knowing what the outcome would be was worse. I shifted uncomfortably as I looked around the room. The other pregnant women didn’t seem to be having the same issue as I was. No, they looked happy to be pregnant. I wanted to yell out and make them feel bad and guilty for being happy. Why did they deserve it and I didn’t? Ok, I breathed in and out, trying my best to calm down my raging hormones.

“Miss Nia Ronan?” I stood up and headed in the direction of the doctor who had called out to me. I knew she was a shifter, hence the reason I had driven all this way. She led me down a narrow hallway and then into a simple room. She gestured for me to take a seat, which I did, as she closed the door behind me. “Do your parents know you are here?” she questioned as she sat down across from me.

“No,” I shook my head as I answered. Doctor Pamala Remington was a human turned shifter.

“Well, why don’t you tell me why you are here,” she offered politely, and I opened my mouth and told her everything. I didn’t leave anything out and I even admitted my deepest darkest thoughts and fears. When I was done, we sat in silence and I thought about Luke.

“I just feel like this whole situation is a mistake,” I blurted out.

“Look, Nia, you and I both know what you should do but we also know what you are going to do,” Pamala said as she sat back and relaxed in her seat. She was right. I knew it and she knew it. I should inform my parents and Luke. But I wasn’t going too. Talking to Pamala made me realize that I just wasn’t ready.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“No need to thank me, Nia. I do understand that this isn’t easy, and I want you to know that it never is. It doesn’t matter what your reasoning is or how this happened. All that matters is you,” she explained softly. I felt comfortable and warm in her office as I listened to her. “No one can force you into motherhood, especially not from being raped. Although, honestly, your doctor should’ve taken better care of you,” Pamala said honestly and I nodded. I didn’t quite understand but I guess in a way I did. “We are wolves, not humans, but this doesn’t take away from what you need to do, because we are by instinct protective and we shouldn’t hesitate to make the right choices. However, sometimes some things aren’t so simple, so,” Pamala stood up and went to a cabinet against the wall and took out a small vile that contained some kind of pinkish liquid. “Take this before you go to bed, it will happen during the night, try not to panic and you’ll be alright,” she handed me the vile and I shied away, unsure. “Look, Nia, take it. You don’t have to use it if you chose not to,” I nodded and took the vile, placing it in my pocket as I stood up. "However, whatever you do decide to do, please consider talking to your parents and to your mate. They could help you,"

“Ok,” I turned away and walked out. I felt like I had decided but yet I was still so unsure. Conflicted by my emotions of right and wrong. One thought that I hadn’t been able to share with Pamala was the fact that this pup had a father. Maybe it was time to face the devil.

☽ Luke ☾

Pulling up to the packhouse was a relief. I had been able to leave slightly earlier than expected and I couldn’t wait any longer to see Nia. It was late as I carefully climbed out of the truck and grabbed my bag before closing the door as softly as I could. Everyone was probably asleep already so I was as quiet as I could be. Opening the door was easy enough and tiptoeing up the stairs seemed to go smoothly. I paused outside of my bedroom door and gently dropped my bag before turning to Nia’s door. I wanted to see her, even if she was sleeping. I slowly pushed open her door and peeked inside. It was dark and the covers on her bed had been pushed back. I frowned and wondered where she was, if not in bed then where? I sneaked into her room and that’s when I noticed that the bathroom light was on. I waited for a moment, wondering what I should do and decided to go in. The door was slightly ajar, and I could see she was standing in front of the sink. Relieved that I hadn’t caught her on the toilet made me want to chuckle, but I still wanted to surprise my mate, so I didn't. I pushed the door open further and smiled as I took in the appearance of my mate. She wore a pair of white lace panties with a pink sleeveless top. Her long legs looked pale and her hair was messily tied up in a bun. I sneaked in, closing the distance between us and that’s when I noticed that something wasn’t right. Seeing her reflection in the mirror in front of her, I noticed she was holding something up to her lips with her eyes closed. I wasn’t sure what the pinkish stuff was but as I moved to her side, I did see her other hand pressed against her tummy. For some unknown reason, I understood.

“If you do that…” my voice was soft as I trailed off, unsure of how to continue. Nia dropped the vile and it landed in the sink, the substance pouring out as she turned to face me. Her cheeks were stained with dried tears and her eyes were bloodshot. I wanted to comfort her, but I gazed down at her tummy. Now I could see the small bump and I frowned as I turned away and headed out. Nia didn’t follow as I grabbed my bag and headed back outside to my truck. I had no idea what to think as I opened the door and threw my bag inside.

“Luke, wait!” I heard her call out, but I quickly climbed in and slammed the door shut. I fiddled with my keys as I tried my best to avoid the female banging on the window. I backed away slowly, not wanting to hurt her in any way, despite it all.

“What the hell?” I said out loud as I drove away from home. I had one place to go and that was to my brother.