Baby Steps

Chapter Three

Bella

The confusion. The shock. I wouldn't blame him for feeling the way he feels right now because honestly, I'd be feeling the same. How can a man—a twenty-one year old boy, be able to handle this situation? As far as I know, I'd walk out the door. If I was pregnant back in law school, the only solution I could think of was to get an abortion. It was the most logical, appropriate thing to do. Regardless of how many people still feel it's wrong but having to raise a child when you're not ready, financially nor emotionally, can cause a lot more damage than aborting a fetus.

"I'm pregnant," The words were clear. It was a statement.

Anyone in his shoes would leave. Adam has better things to think of and to begin with, his studies. Then again, I don't even expect him to stay either because that's not what I want. As selfish as I am, there is no way I'm dragging a boy into this mess. I can keep repeating to myself that I'm capable of raising the baby on my own. Yes, I would need emotional support from my friends but once I get the hang of it, once I become a mother, it'd be smooth sailing from there.

I immediately grab the pregnancy test before putting it back inside my handbag, "Alright. Now you know,"

Our eyes meet for a few seconds and for awhile, I couldn't recognise him. Truth be told, I don't know what he's in his head. He could be thinking of nothing or he could still be processing this whole situation but like I said earlier, I don't blame him—things were going good for him the past weeks until I showed up again, dropping the news. So, I decided to do the most sensible thing, after taking a deep breath and regain my composure.

I leave.

Please, just stay. Please, just don't say a word. I am trying to convince myself because I like it when things go according to plan. I would be at peace if I just know for sure, things go the way I want. Everything around me feels like a blur as I sprint away from the café. The only thing I can think of right now is to get the hell out of this place; to just leave, drive away, delete his number or block it and never see him again. It's selfish but at the moment, it's the most logical.

"Bella!" Adam calls out my name, "Wait!"

I ignore him by continuing my steps, not even sparing a glance. I feel as if I've been walking really fast but how can he manage to grab onto my arm? So, it doesn't take me long to stop before turning to look at him—our eyes meeting in an instant.

"Wh—what are you doing?" I ask, stuttering. For awhile, I don't understand why I stuttered. I've never been the one to stutter. For god's sake, I'm a really confident woman but seeing a few students eyeing our way, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to cause a scene but apparently, some students feel like they have the time to stop by and watch this whole drama.

He quickly let go of my arm before sighing, "I'm sorry. I just—you didn't have to leave like that, please."

"What do you mean, Adam?"

"You can't do that. You can't drop that news on me and just leave," He frowns, somehow not believing this whole thing is happening as he takes a couple of steps back—while I remain still in mine. I take a minute to watch his every movement, seeing how he keeps glancing down at his wrist watch, as if he's running late but the look on his face is very clear, he has a lot of things to say. "Do you plan on keeping it?"

I freeze. "Why?"

He'd want me to abort it. That's what he want.

"I just want to know. I—I can't think straight right now," He replies.

I shake my head, "Look, Adam. I'm not trying to drag you into this mess or make you feel responsible for what happened. Whether I take care of the baby or I abort it, it's not going to have anything to do with you. I just thought the situation would be different—"

He cuts me off, "—what situation? I don't understand,"

Your situation. I utter in my head. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't seeking a happy ending nor a fairy tale but I liked how everything was that night; the way he made me feel. I can't stop believing that it was cut short and if we were given another chance to get to know each other better, become friends or even something more, or settle for co-parenting and there'd be different choices but coming here, realising that he's just a student. A young boy. I wouldn't take my chances. I'm not crazy. Well, not that crazy.

"Exactly. You don't need to think about this," I respond.

"But, you told me and now you want me not to think about it?" He raises an eyebrow, confused.

Adam continues to look at me for a few seconds before sighing, trying to regain his composure. Regardless of the age difference, he's a very good-looking young adult—no matter how many times I've said that, but it's the truth. In my line of work, I see men in their suits every day in meetings, in court and in daily personal matters. Most men are sluggish and some of them are quite the 'eye candy' but Adam here, if I imagined him in a suit and tie, no one would've guessed his age.

All of a sudden, his phone starts to ring.

"Hello?" He picks it up, seems like he was forced even though he didn't want to. "I'll be there in five,"

After putting his phone back into his pocket, he takes a few steps closer towards me but still respecting the space between us. Our eyes meet in an instant which surprises me a bit; however, trying to act like it doesn't bother me in the slightest. "I want you to know that I want to be there for the baby, throughout this whole journey. I want to be in the baby's life and watch him grow. I know you probably don't want anything to do with me because you keep talking about this whole situation that I don't understand . . . but I hope we can talk about this again."

"I don't even know if I want to keep it," I mutter.

He nods, "It doesn't matter. Whatever is your choice, I want to be there."

"I made an appointment."

"Can you please text me about it?"

His phone starts to ring again which causes him to frown before silencing it, as he waits for my answer. To his disappointment, I just continue to stand still before looking around; not sure of what to actually say. "I—I don't know,"

"I have to go. Please, just let me know." Then, he starts to walk away after sparing another glance at my direction. I am left standing still at my spot. It confuses me because instead of feeling anxious, I actually feel relieved. Yes, I want him to walk away and leave me with a huge heartbreak but he didn't do that . . . he wants to be a part of the baby's life, our baby to be exact which terrifies me. I'm scared, I'm scared shitless.

His figure has completely disappeared from my sight as I walk away as well, heading straight to my car but my mind isn't empty. It's filled with endless thoughts about the future, about Adam and even about the baby. A baby. A big responsibility. A life-changing decision. There can be endless possibilities once the baby is born. I'd have to change my ways. I can never prioritise my work as if I don't have another priority—I've been doing that for years but it will change if I choose to keep the baby.

Abortion is a choice. It's lingering in my head but I can't stop thinking about 'what ifs' and it would consume me.

I have never hated children. However, never in my life would I thought about having a child of my own especially at this age. Yes, adoption would be a choice as well but having my own child? A child I would have to birth? It seems almost impossible for me to go through all that struggle. I haven't imagined being pregnant and giving birth. I, for one, never imagined myself falling in love and settling down with a family.

Why? I just never think that life would fit me best.

I was raised by an independent single mother. She did a perfect job on raising me without any help from another man. Maybe, that is the main reason why I became who I am today. I always prioritise myself and my career because I know, I have to be successful with my own terms. Nobody can help me once I hit rock bottom. It's also one of the reasons why I started becoming a selfish woman—she kept reminding me when I was little, that I have to be my own success and I cannot depend on anyone. I just have to put myself first because there is no one out there that can help me but myself.

My lover? It's myself.

I glance at myself in the rear-view mirror before pressing the start button, immediately changing gears before driving forward.

Maybe, it was a huge mistake coming here after all. Maybe, I should've just kept things to myself and not hope for more. My mother taught me what I needed to know. My mother said to always prioritise myself but why wasn't I thinking of her advices when I decided to text Adam?

Shame, shame, shame, on me.