Breaking Her Walls

░Nine░

SOPHIA

AGE: 25

"Mama you always say that." Annoyance laces my voice.

"Sophia I'm telling you, this one's it. He's your brother's best friend."

I roll my eyes. She's always found 'the one' for me. I swear, it's like all she does every day is look for suitors.

She rankles on. "He asked for your hand in marriage just today. He's the sweetest person and honestly, the only person that can handle your mood."

My clamp my mouth shut, then open it once again. "Mama, why don't you understand that I don't WANT to get married. Ever. To anyone."

Honestly, I'm not one of those people that say something and actually want something else. Marriage isn't something I want. End of.

"Sophia I've always listened to you. All I'm asking for is for you to at least meet the guy. We're not going to force you." Her voice is soft and sweet which makes me want to hug her because I freaking miss her.

The last time I saw my parents was when they came almost a year ago to visit me. I, however, haven't gone to Pakistan in four years for about a hundred different reasons.

First of all, when everyone has holidays, our University is open so I prefer to spend as much time as I possibly can over there. And the rest of the reasons are of course that I want to stay as far away from my relatives as I possibly can. ALSO, so that I'm not asked to see men and their 'amazing' mothers.

I sigh and agree with my mother. Of course, now that I'm going back to Pakistan in a day I have to see people and reject them.

What can I say, it's my age to break hearts.

Not that I don't currently have my heart broken by he-who-must-not-be-named. It's been almost a year since that incident and I'm still not over it.

How can I be when I have to see him every day and train with him? And I can't help but admire him. Our movements have been syncronised by now. It's like we fit perfectly.

I close my eyes tightly as depression begins to take over. I'm a broken mess and this feeling of emptiness never goes away.

Sometimes, I feel like that little girl sitting in a corner, shaking from fear. The darkness envelopes me in a thick, choking blanket. I never feel clean enough. When I was younger, I felt like it was somehow my fault. Like I was guilty for it.

When I got older, I understood what I actually went through. It wasn't my freaking fault but it still feels like it.

The reason why I don't want to get married is because I don't want to be powerless in front of anyone. Neither do I want to be someone's personal prize.

With these thoughts looming in my head, I scroll through YouTube. I scrunch up my nose when weird recommendations appear.

There's so much dirt everywhere, it makes me sick. I guess they want everyone to be as affected as they are and be in darkness.

I mean, if there is someone who's pure and good, then these things really lower one's goodness and leads to bad things.

I hate how every girl wants to give away their purity to men who don't even deserve it. Or care for it. Everything is just a sick game to them.

My purity was taken away from me, if someone has theirs, they should protect it and care for it.

But it's not that easy, is it? With all the content that the Media promotes, remaining clean despite all the dirt around you is really hard.

I scoff. I would know.

I'm not any different from the girls out there. Sure, I'm not in a relationship and neither do I drink but that doesn't mean that I'm better than anyone.

I'm just trying to fit in. But I don't. And I can never fit in with these people.

I just wish that there was something out there that would help me get rid of this constant feeling of emptiness.

It's eating away at me.

While scrolling down, I see a video which seems somewhat like a Quranic recitation. I click on it.

I've tried everything to be happy but it has never worked. Why not give it another try?

As soon as the melodious voice of a man fills my ears, I hum in satisfaction and close my eyes. But since I don't understand a word, I open my eyes, roll over to my right side and keep my phone at angle so that I'm able to see the English Translation.

Within seconds, tears well up in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks.

I can't explain how I feel. It's like someone has taken me out of my misery and is giving me hope for a better future.

It's like my heart is being heaved out of my chest and going into someplace good and happy. And I love it. Because my heart has never really been mine.

It's hers. And I'm not her. She's dead. It's better that my heart dies with her. I'm happy for her. She is healing. I hope that once she's healed, I can finally find happiness.

Because now I know how to. I know how to get rid of this emptiness and having a heart that's not mine and having someone who I don't even know anymore trapped within me.

I want to help her. I miss that little girl that used to have the most beautiful smile. A smile that could light up the universe, my father used to say. And used to love everyone and was loved by everyone.

Of course, now she's gone. I've pushed her so deep down that I'm left emotionless. There is no pain. Nothing. Just emptiness.

But I'm being repaired currently by Allah's words. I'm hopeful. And that's all I have right now.

Hope.