Alexandra's Dilemma

Chapter One “You had the man spank you!” Will charged at me with eyes flashing. He’d never been angry like this – at least not that I could recall. “I’m so sorry, honestly. I couldn’t help myself.” “Couldn’t help yourself? Really?” He shook his head in disbelief. “So, how the hell did you find this man? Pluck him off the street, and say ‘please spank my bottom?’” I bit my lip, knowing that this would never sound right to him, but I had to explain. “I saw his name in an online ad.” My face was hot and flushed, and likely beet red. How did I let myself get caught in this disaster? Foolish. Naïve. And totally stupid of me to come home looking so distraught. I’ve never been a good liar. But then, it never entered my mind that he would be there. He wasn’t supposed to be home in the first place. But once he saw me, I knew I was in trouble. He can read me as if I were an open book. “A personal ad?” He was astounded. “Where the hell did spanking get mentioned in a personal ad? And why would you be looking at on-line personals in the first place?” “It was on a spanking site I some sometimes go to – you know my fantasies.” “Oh yes, I know your fantasies,” he said with a sarcastic smirk. “So, you just order up any little fantasy you desire?” “It’s not really like that,” I said meekly. “So how many times have you been with this guy?” he continued. I gulped, my face twisted into a grimace. “Three.” “Three!” “Yeah,” I came back weakly. There was something about the whole thing, I couldn’t stay away.” “Like what, what couldn’t you stay away from?” Will was hurt, very hurt, even though it came out in the form of anger. I bit my lip again, blushing like a naughty kid. How could I tell him, how could I even begin? “I guess the desire has never really gone away.” I thought that should explain it all. “So you wanted to be punished?” “I guess so.” “And you didn’t come to me?” It had been over three years since I’d been ‘trained’ to follow my submissive inclinations. Will had taken me to his good friend and lifestyle dominant Reggie for the full treatment. My strange s****l predilections had only frustrated us both. As much as we loved each other, as great as the s*x was, there was a darker side of me that I needed to explore. One day I’d say I wanted to indulge in some odd s****l kink, only to get freaked out and change my mind about it soon as Will got involved. We both got so frustrated I thought it would tear our relationship apart. Reggie became the answer we needed. He was not emotionally attached to me the way Will was, and he didn’t allow me to change my mind on a whim. Once I agreed to be submit to him, I had to give up control. It was a tough struggle and it wasn’t an easy time for me. There were some fierce lessons to be learned, but it let me back to Will. I wonder now how I ended up in yet another sticky situation with the man I love. I know that when I left Reggie, I’d had enough of being controlled. I wasn’t ready to let Will punish me the way Reggie had. I wanted something softer and more intimate than Reggie’s cool domination – although I wasn’t exactly sure what it was. For months I wavered back and forth in a strange vacuum. But the one consistent thing, I ignored Will’s attempts to exert his control over me. I claimed I’d been ‘healed’ of my need for dominance/submission, and the two of us basked in the more easily acceptable aspects of our relationship. Will was fooled. He loved his newfound s****l siren who liked to dress in sexy clothes, who would tease him mercilessly, and would have s*x with him almost any time he asked. My openness thrilled him even though submission was shoved conveniently under the rug. However, when I stumbled into a spanking website, I found myself drawn to stories and the testimonials, and eventually into the alluring advertisements. I wondered what it would be like to be submissively held in a man’s lap and be spanked. It would certainly be a different kind of submission than I experienced in Reggie’s hands. Choosing Keith’s ad, I had no idea what I was getting into, but I knew I had to go through with at least one spanking session. As much as I tried to push the thought from my mind, it soon became an obsession. Keith’s ad led me to believe that this dominant man was experienced, sensitive and interesting. What more could I ask? After all, it was just a spanking, nothing more. One measly little spanking – what could be wrong with that? I met Keith at a hotel restaurant on an evening three weeks ago. I was initially apprehensive, of course, thinking as I waited for him in the hotel bar, that I was being totally foolish for meeting a stranger like this. Yet our conversations over the phone had been delightful; the tingling rush hearing his stern voice reminded me how much I yearned for that kind of interaction with a man. On first glance, I found Keith reasonably attractive and yes, very stern. He was a professor at the University, telling me he taught medieval literature. I even verified his credentials at the University website, which he urged me to do. His interest in spanking was completely ‘recreational,’ a term I thought amusing, but perhaps apropos for the relationship we were contemplating. Purely platonic. I insisted on that. Keith bought me a drink which settled me down, and for nearly a half hour we talked about nothing in particular. My hands were sweating and my face was flushed the whole time, not to mention that my bottom tingled in anticipation. “So Alex, I think it’s time we got on with the correction,” Keith said looking at me in a very formal way. “Okay,” I replied. “Answer “yes sir,” to my instructions,” he corrected me gently, though his stern control was evident. “Yes sir,” I answered immediately. Keith led me upstairs to the room he’d reserved: a cold sterile hotel room that I remember only for its unremarkable appearance. To its credit however, it did have an armless straight back chair that became the focal point of the night, along with my bottom. Keith, being the no nonsense kind of man he is, pulled the chair out and sat down, motioning me to stand in front of him. I thought we were going rather fast, but then I hadn’t been spanked like this before. “You’ve been a naughty girl, haven’t you?” he scolded me. Shades of childhood reprimands rang in my ears, and I quaked in fear, like I might have when I was a kid. “Yes sir,” I replied meekly. “And you deserve a thorough paddling.” “Yes sir.” I lowered my eyes, allowing myself to get into the mood of the night, feeling as I had when I’d been submissive to a man before. It struck me for an instant, that this should be Will not Keith sitting in that chair. I should have made my apologies right then and left; but I was too excited to go so far and suddenly stop. I couldn’t. For all the screaming in my head, I couldn’t stop. “I’m afraid this will have to be a bare bottomed paddling, as naughty as you’ve been.” “Yes sir,” I agreed to his request. I suppose I wouldn’t want it otherwise. “I want to be sure you learn your lesson,” he advised me. “Yes sir.” The fact that my misdeeds were not clear to me, that this was in a sense a very “bogus” event didn’t seem to bother either one of us. Keith and I had an understanding, and were following through with this scene in order to meet our complimentary needs: his to punish; mine to be punished. It didn’t need to be anything more than that. When he mentioned bare bottomed I did hope he’d pull me over his lap before my skirt went up; and I was very relieved when he did. Once resting on his strong thighs, his left arm went around my waist to secure me tightly. With his right hand, Keith reached down and drew my skirt up over my thighs, pushing the wool garment to my waist. I’d worn a garter belt and stockings to make Keith’s job easier. For him to have my bottom bare, all he had to do was pull down my black cotton briefs. I trembled all the way to my toes when he lifted the waist band and drew them back. This was ‘naughty’ all by itself, draping myself over a stranger’s legs and allowing him free reign to punish me like a child. Yet, once the first smack struck, I wasn’t thinking anymore, sexually, submissively or otherwise. Keith wasn’t kidding; he had a very commanding way of laying on his hand. He literally pelted me with one sharp smack after another and my bottom was instantly hot. I suppose I suspected something easier, since I was a first time ‘spankee,’ but Keith saw otherwise. One after another I took the smacks, finding myself naturally wiggling in an effort to get away from the burning sting. After several minutes, he stopped. It seemed a little abrupt until I realized that he wasn’t finished. “Now for the real thing,” he announced. I had a feeling this would happen when I saw the hairbrush on the table. As much as he spanked my bottom with his hand, I didn’t think that I’d escape a few rounds with the brush. At first Keith ran the smooth wood over my hot bottom, the thing feeling rather cool in comparison to my well heated ass cheeks. It actually felt welcome for an instant, until abruptly he let the thing fly, and it was coming down hard and fast on my posterior, just the way he’d used his hand. “Stop! Please stop!” I insisted. I’d had enough. But my disciplinarian was not at all dissuaded by my pleas. That nasty brush just continued the treatment, each smack seeming harder than the last. After one harrowing round of smacks, at least a half dozen, I think, Keith paused for me to catch my breath, and then he resumed; very likely because I was foolish enough to wiggle on his lap as if I wanted even more. “Please stop now!” I wailed loudly. I would have thought he would comply with my wishes, but Keith seemed to think I could take much more, because he refused to stop. One punishing smack after another and I was ready to quit this stupid game and never ever try it again. Yet when Keith finally slowed down, I found myself again feeling aroused, my body beginning to churn erotically, my whole mind consumed again by the passions that so often haunt me. Desire leaped up at me and roared. I think I might have let Keith take me sexually on the spot, except that we’d agreed to keep this strictly disciplinary. When he set me on my feet again, my skirt instantly dropped around my legs, covering my backside, though my panties were still on the floor at my feet. I found myself snuffing. I’d been crying and there were tears to wipe away. “Hand me your panties,” Keith ordered. “My panties?” “Yes, Alex, your panties.” He was quite firm about this. “Yes sir.” I reached down and retrieved my underwear and handed them to him. “Now, go look at yourself in the mirror, then you can stand in the corner.” “In the corner?” I asked in a very timid voice. I didn’t want to upset him, but this seemed kind of silly. “I suggest you quit questioning me,” he replied sharply. I was forgetting myself. The additional treatment was solely for the purpose of humiliating me, and I was certainly feeling a heap load of shame. Gathering my skirt around me, I moved to the mirror and looked at my reddened bottom, surprised by the erratic blush across my white ass. And then looking back to Keith, I hoped he’d give me some reprieve, but by the look on his face, he was as determined as he’d been earlier. Retreating to the corner of the room, I stood there with my bottom bared, while Keith waited for it to do whatever he had in mind. It was likely not more than ten minutes when and he ordered me to his side again. “Here are your panties,” he said. “Thank you.” I was thanking him for not just my underwear but the spanking too. “I hope you’ll behave yourself until our next appointment,” he said. There was NO next appointment in my book, but the suggestion was now on the table. “Yes, sir,” I replied. With that he dismissed me and I was quickly out the door. My body was roaring, mad with s****l heat. The pain had turned into a sensuous warmth that spread throughout my ass. I played with myself all the way home from the hotel. “I don’t know why I didn’t come to you, Will, but I just didn’t know how to tell you,” I stammered. “And it was not at all what I thought it might be…in fact, it was awful.” He wasn’t buying it “Awful, really? If it was so awful, why did you go back twice more? Your story is a little flimsy, Alex.” “Well, it didn’t really start out awful,” I admitted. “That only happened later.” “So suppose you tell me what did happen? And don’t you dare lie to me.” He was absolutely livid – again. “Well,” I began, “I met Keith at his hotel.” “He doesn’t live in town?” “No.” “Go on.” “We would talk over a drink, just one relaxing one, and then we’d go up to his room.” It was horrible recounting this to Will. Yet his face clouded by his anger, looked strangely more appealing to me than it had in some time. “Then he’d…you really want all the details?” “Every damn one of them.” I sighed heavily, wishing he’d just do something, like take me in hand and give me one hell of a spanking. I’d certainly feel a lot better if he did, and it would definitely ease the tension that was making this confession so difficult. “It was really very old fashioned, kind of ritualized. He’d take the desk chair, put it in the center of the room, and pull me down over his lap. Then he’d spank me.” “Did he raise your skirt?” Will asked. “Yes.” “Did you wear underwear?” “Yes.” “Did he pull them down?” “Yes.” This was sounding worse by the minute. “Then what else?” Will asked. “He spanked me, first with his hand each time, then with a hairbrush.” “And it hurt?” “Very much.” “Did you see the results?” “He made me stand in front of the mirror, and then in the corner until the red faded away.” “And it was red?” he asked. He was so cold on the surface, and so hot on the inside. I could see the fire of his anger settling on a low simmer. “Yes, very.” “So it aroused you?” I hate that question. How could I answer? “Some.” “Tell me about that.” “I don’t know how to explain it, but yes, it was arousing. Just as I was aroused by the things Reggie had me do.” “So what was so “awful” about it?” I think it was a mistake to have told him it was awful, because on one level it wasn’t awful at all. The guilt I was feeling at the moment was awful, the sneaking around, the lying, the whole way I’d compromised our relationship, that was awful; but I still did it, and on one level I enjoyed the hell out of it. “It’s awful not being honest with you,” I replied, trying to remain true to my feelings. “But the experience wasn’t awful. You liked being spanked by him?” “It’s hard to explain,” I said, trying a little whining, hoping he’d be understanding. He wasn’t. He looked at me with the same cold, stern, fiery-eyed face. “So explain, I can wait.” “I did like the spanking, I liked the feeling, and yes it aroused me. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted. He was a stranger and it wasn’t personal. And I guess this third time, it just didn’t seem quite right.” “Why’s that?” I hedged. “Did you have s*x?” Will asked. The question was like a thunderbolt. I wanted to deny it but how could I? If I lied, it would be obvious to Will. “Yes.” “Every time?” he asked. “Oh no! Just this last time.” “Tell me about it.” “About the s*x?” “I shouldn’t have to repeat myself,” he said. His annoyance with my hesitation was hardly disguised. We were piling hurt on top of hurt, I hated seeing that in Will’s eyes, but by now there was no way to avoid it. “Well, tonight he spanked me as he had before. And I was turned on as I’d been before. He was turned on too, and when the session was about over, he came to me and offered himself.” “Offered?” I gulped. “He felt my rear while I was standing in the corner, and I couldn’t help myself. I started to respond, and he responded, and before we knew it, we were screwing.” I was beginning to cry, telling my story to Will. That was a bad move. “If you think I’ll somehow be assuaged by tears, Alex, your very wrong. In fact, I’d suggest that you stop crying because it’s only pissing me off!” “I’m sorry, Will, the s*x was all wrong. I never should have done it. I mean I never should have even answered Keith’s ad. This has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” “Well that’s one thing we agree on,” he said, though there was no softening in his tone of voice. “Maybe you could punish me?” I ventured. “Since that’s what I really need, maybe this is something good that could come out of the this whole mess.” “Wouldn’t that be just perfect for you,” Will said sarcastically. “You might be surprised how perfect it would be for you, too..” “This undying love crap coming from you, Alex, is nothing but BS. You think a little retribution on your rear and the whole thing can be swept away.” “I didn’t say that, but we could begin there.” I was hoping with all my heart that he would agree to this. I realized talking to him how much I’d hurt him, and now how much I wanted him. Why hadn’t I asked him to meet my need for spanking instead of bringing in that ineffectual stranger? The s*x with Keith had been about as empty as any I’d ever had. Even on a bad night, Will was a lover, someone whose body, s****l appetites and style I enjoyed. This other man might be an adequate spanker, but he was not a lover of any inspiration at all. For all the fancy ritual we engaged in before the s*x, for all the spanking fantasy we’d enjoyed, Keith was pretty mediocre when it came to the rudiments of female s****l stimulation. “No, Alex, we can’t begin there. You want to write this off so easily, but I can’t. You go find your lover and enjoy yourself, because you now have all the freedom in the world to pursue your pleasures.” “No, Will!” I protested. “You’re leaving?” It certainly looked that way, since he was in the bedroom packing his suitcase. “You can’t mean that.” “Face it, we haven’t gotten on that well the last few months. I don’t know whether it was your kinkier s****l desires that were coming to the surface again, but whatever it was, you didn’t see fit to discuss it with me. I’ve gone to hell and back for you and our relationship, but you seem to think you can up and go exploring on your own, without so much as a thought for me, and then hope to patch it up as if nothing has happened. Well, it doesn’t work that way, little darling. If you’re feeling guilty and need to pay penance, go find someone else to redeem yourself with, because it ain’t gonna be me.” Will closed the bedroom door in my face and came out a half hour later with his bags packed. “Please, hon, don’t do this, this is four years, we can’t throw it away like this. I’ll do anything.” I was in tears, and pleading for my life, I thought, but it was still Will’s blank cold expression looking back at me. “Anything? Right,” he bit off sarcastically. “You’ll do what you damn well please as long as you’re in control, but you won’t do anything. That’s always the way it is with you.” His scathing words stung, probably because they were so true. “Will, I mean it, you tell me what it is, I’ll do it,” I pleaded. He considered for a moment and shook his head, exasperated with the effort. “What is it?” I asked trying to get him to say something. The longer he stayed poised at the door, the less likely I thought it would be that he’d really leave. “What can I do?” “There’s no use suggesting anything, because my own brand of revenge on this would be much too much for your delicate sensibilities, even though I’d find it very fitting.” “Find what fitting?” “Submit to Reggie again,” he said simply. My heart must have stopped beating. I know I went instantly cold. “No, you don’t mean that?” I said dumbfounded. “See? What did I say?” His smirk was absolutely as dreadful as his tone of voice. He left me standing in the middle of the living room. Closing the door ever so quietly, I suddenly had thoughts of Reggie Harold going through my mind again for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. Why did he have to say that? Why that? Why Reggie? I went to the bedroom and cried my eyes out.