Acting Out

Chapter 2-2

As grateful as he was that the animosity between them had ebbed, and as aware as he was that Nick wouldn’t like what he was going to repeat, Alex couldn’t help himself. He wanted this part; if he had to use emotional blackmail to put that point across, so be it. He couldn’t quite believe he was willing to force Nick into a proverbial corner, but wasn’t Nick doing the same to him?

He almost laughed. How did couples get over wanting something so much that the other didn’t want at all? Mostly, he supposed people compromised. This time, there was no concession. Either they did this thing, or they didn’t.

“You are interested. You just don’t like this one small—”

“This isn’t a small thing for me.” Nick stood and then paced to the French doors overlooking the back garden and an incline to the dock and the river.

“I hope not. If it were, I could understand why you’re disinclined to get it out there.” Alex’s attempt to lighten the mood by making an indirect jest at the size of Nick’s genitals died on a look from his friend. Alex joined Nick, admiring the view, standing by his side. Occasionally, he glanced at Nick and admired that view, too.

“Is the idea really that abhorrent to you?”

“Isn’t it to you?” Nick sounded genuinely perplexed.

Alex shrugged, not about to discuss his s*x life. Not yet, anyway. “This is a job. An acting job as any other.”

“Not to me. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“A naked scene, you mean? Or with a man?”

“Both, idiot.”

Nick suddenly sounded much younger than his years, as well as uncertain. Alex rolled his tongue in his mouth, gently biting while he considered how to respond. He had Nick’s wavering confidence to deal with as well as the topic of sexuality. He didn’t want to lie, but if he blurted out the fact that he had all the experience Nick lacked, all that would achieve would be to have Nick hightail it out of there. He decided to avoid the issue, for now, although there were some experiences he could discuss.

“I imagine most actors feel this way getting naked in front of cameras for the first time.”

“I’ve never been naked outside of a bedroom or bathroom.”

Putting aside how pathetic that sounded, Alex said, “You’ve had your shirt off. I’ve divested a fair amount of my kit.” Because of his physique, producers and directors usually wanted him to strip. His reaction to his first moment of semi-nudity on stage had surprised him: he hadn’t liked it. Now, such things were part of the job, and he had nothing to hide. At the time, he’d confessed how awkward he found the experience. Nick had kidded him over it for weeks.

At least the mention of his getting naked had toned down the tension. If they carried on like this for the rest of the afternoon, maybe he’d learn what it felt like to be a ball or a yo-yo, knocked back and forth, going up and down, round and round. One of them had to give. He clung to the idea that it wouldn’t be him. Not yet, anyway. Not easily.

“What if?” Alex blurted out.

“Pardon?”

“It’s a tool writers use. The what-if game. For most of us, it’s no game. It’s just life. What if we walk down a certain road instead of another? Will a car hit us, or will we never bump into our soul mate? What if we turn this down and we don’t find another perfect script? What if this is our one chance to make something worthy and have our future dreams realised? What if—” Alex turned to stare Nick in the eyes, “—we say no and the decision turns out to be the biggest mistake of our lives?”

Nick stared back. As close as they were, Alex could see the little speckles of colour that made up the overall hue of Nick’s eyes. Those eyes were wide and too close to his. Even Alex felt the awkwardness of that closeness, yet he forced himself to look. If he and Nick made this film, they were going to have to get a whole lot closer than this.

“What if we do this and that turns out to be the mistake?”

Alex grinned. “Don’t they say it’s better to regret the things you’ve done than those you haven’t?”

Nick groaned. “You’re not going to let up, are you?”

“Just read the script without focusing on the romance between the men. The s*x is mostly one scene.”

“So…what? You think the romance won’t be a problem? We just have to contend with the s*x?”

Biting his tongue harder this time, Alex fought to ease up as he tried to get his point across. In truth, Nick’s tone contained enough humour that Alex had no reason for resentment. Besides, Nick was right. The audience would remember the romance, but not because of the s*x; they’d remember the film owing to the sensuousness that Alex felt certain they could portray. “I think doing this won’t be as difficult as…we imagine.”

He’d almost said you. He hadn’t given it much thought. Maybe he should be bothered, but he just felt unbelievably calm. Granted, it helped that he’d had a few encounters with men. He’d had s*x with women, but in recent years, he’d wavered between the sexes. Alex had always known he was at least bisexual, if not gay, but he remained undecided, confused by his indecision until a gay acquaintance had confessed he’d had very satisfying s*x with his now ex-wife for several years, but there was always something missing from his life. He’d said he wasn’t the first gay man to marry his best friend. His ex-wife was still his best friend, and he still loved her…just not in that way. Until then, Alex had always believed being gay meant s*x with women was difficult, if not impossible. That conversation had opened Alex’s eyes and heart to the possibility that sexuality was better determined with whom one fell in love…at least for some individuals.

Sexuality wasn’t simple, and some people took years to realise the truth—not to mention the complication of coming to terms with whom they were. Unattached, Alex had decided to wait and see. In his job, he had to be careful, but if a good-looking man showed an interest and the mood and situation were right, s*x with a man had never bothered him physically. Emotionally, he’d yet to meet the right person. He left that open to destiny, accepting any possibility. He felt calm, except for the idea that this role might slip through his fingers.

“I think once we get on set and get into the whole boring routine of filming then we’ll see it as we always have: as a job.”

“A job I usually love. I’m not sure I’ll love this. And you’re wrong, you know,” Nick said in a lower tone. Alex shot him a glance, frowning. “I’m not sure I’d be comfortable even if the love interest were a female. I’ve kissed a few women on screen but not got this naked with them.”

“Got something you’re ashamed of?”

“Stop being an arse. This is serious.”

Despite his words, Nick’s voice sounded gentle, even…obliging. Although Alex couldn’t be certain on what level Nick had accepted the situation, he could hope. Alex’s friend was no longer directing his misguided anger at him. Or was it fear? “It’s only as serious as you make it.”

Tempted to put an arm around Nick’s shoulders, he would have done so had he thought Nick would permit it. He wanted to tell Nick things would be okay, wanted to show him, but it was too soon for that.

“Playing gay may be tolerated these days, but won’t do much for our street cred.”

“Street cred? What do you sound like?”

“You know what I’m trying to say,” Nick persisted.

“I do. Any other film, director, or time in history I’d agree, but no one who matters or is a decent human being is going to care. Besides, think of the gay men who’ll flock to watch. That alone will fetch a few million at the box office. Do you know who they’re considering if they can’t get us?”

When Nick shook his head, Alex told him. Nick gaped. “You’ve got to be kidding. How do you know?”

Alex touched an index finger to the side of his nose. “I never question Alana.”

“It’s not like her to divulge.”

“No. It’s not. She thought it might show us what an opportunity we’d be turning down. And there’s something else.”

Now it was Nick’s turn to frown.

“I asked Alana to leave it to me to tell you there’s another very good reason for us to do this. Not only is this the director to work with, this is the first film Robert King is producing and financing. He chose us with good reason.”

If Nick’s eyes had widened before, now they positively bulged. If the film were a success, it would do more than boost their careers. Alex didn’t need to explain that to Nick.