Luna of the Beastly Lycan King

Chapter 18. Not going crazy

☉DANIKA

I stood on the tips of my toes and stared right into his eyes, hoping that he would at least see or understand some of the rage that I felt in me. No such luck. His own eyes were narrowed and full of contempt as he regarded me.

“What?” he asked. I didn’t bother replying, I just whirled back and stormed to the desk again, searching for nothing in particular.

He trailed after me, his metal-sounding footfalls heavy and slightly muffled under his weight. “Is there some reason that you should be here in my study, Danika? I know for a fact that you’ve never been much interested in the history books. Or any books for that matter.”

“Oh,” I snarled. “And suddenly, you know everything about me again.”

Finarfen only gave me a look that I thought he had long lost. It was a look that he gave often to Andras when it was clear that he had no more words to give. Well, I had more than enough words for both of us.

I stomped to him, finger pointing. “I’ve been looking for you, Finarfen. All week. Ever since the coronation. But you were nowhere to be found. Why is that?”

Finarfen gave me a look. “I fail to see why you still think that where I am and what I do is any of your business. Do you not have any better things to do?”

His words cut me deep because they had been the exact questions that I had been asking myself all the while.

It was true that Finarfen had asked me to live for him, at a point in time when I had absolutely no more motivation to continue to live. He had been a light in that very dark moment. My literal knight in armor.

But that had been a long time ago and Finarfen had changed so much since then. He continued to change, even now, and I was at a loss as to what to do, because he remains the only person that I have here in Cynthros. The only person I could truly call a friend. I had just been deluded into thinking that I was also his friend.

I gritted my teeth so my tears would not fall. I hated for him to see me as weak. As a help project. I was so much more than that. I was—

I clenched my fists, and unable to rein in the searing anger and intense pain that I felt, I yelled at Finarfen and into the study, “I don’t want anything better to do, I want to be with you!”

I panted in the silence after my revelation. Silence had never sounded so loud in my ears. For a while, the only thing I could hear was the sound of my harried breathing. In… out…

My body was trembling with all the pent-up emotions I had been keeping in and to myself ever since Finarfen conquered Fergal at the Battle of Rites. I shivered because I had never raised my voice that loud before, and especially not against him. But I was so tired. I was so tired and frustrated with the way Finarfen was treating me.

This couldn’t be the Finarfen that had rescued me from the cutthroat rogues that day in the woods. This wasn’t the Finarfen that would sit me down and regale me with the histories of Cynthros and tales of his own adventures.

This wasn't Finarfen who stood up for me at every point in time, every day. Finarfen had always been on hand to protect and speak up for me. But this person standing before me… I had no idea who this was and try as I did to love and care for him, I was at my limit.

One can only try for so long.

Finarfen’s eyes widened the slightest but his breathing was even. His gaze was calm upon mine. But my anger could not be quelled.

“I’m tired, Finarfen. Of all… this.” I exhaled as if this singular act of revelation cost me all my strength. “I’m tired of being ignored by you, and worse, mistreated. You regard me as if I’m the basest form of living there could ever possibly be and you invite others in to laugh at me. You had protected me from the same people that you now feed me to. They are ravenous. With hungry maws and wild eyes; they want to devour me, and you would let them do it.”

“You are weak. It is only pragmatic for me to try to strengthen you.”

I cut him off. “I never told you that I was weak. You assumed that for yourself. And what part of my weakness do you think ridiculing me before all these people will strengthen? Almost letting that Crimson-horned Stag gore me to death? All the other times that you deliberately turned a blind eye to whenever I was being mistreated…? What is all that?”

This time, Finarfen had no answer. Or perhaps he might have had an answer, but I did not let him speak.

“I’m tired, Finarfen!” I declared. “And I don’t want to stay anymore. I don’t want to live for you, and I don’t want to try to protect you anymore. Not if you’re going to keep me treating me this way.”

My anger was winding down. I was running out of the adrenaline that had prompted my outburst and I could not continue this one-sided rant. I waited for Finarfen to say something. To do something…

He scoffed. I felt my rage boil over.

“Ardghal Finarfen Evigheden! You are the most—”

The words were lost in my throat. Finarfen had closed the distance between us and in one slick move, he held the small of my waist in the palm of his large hand. His other hand was placed flat against the side of a shelf. I was cornered. How we had gotten there or ended up in that position, I had no idea.

My breath began to quicken and I found it difficult to stare into his eyes. But when I did, I found that his gaze was intense. Hard. Solid, and full of fire.

“Get off me, Finarfen!” I yelled and pushed away from him because I did not know how else to react. Our relationship had never been like that. This was definitely not the Finarfen I knew. And I would not ever expect that Finarfen would be moved by my gentle pushes. He was as large as a mountain and as durable as one too.

Still, he made enough room for me to slip out of his entrapment. I yelled as I angrily stormed to the doors of the study and flung them open. He watched me leave. Before the doors closed, I screamed again.

☆☆☆

Finarfen was mad. There was no other explanation for it. The Finarfen I had known was very different from this Finarfen, and it angered me to no end that no one else seemed to notice or care much about it.

I paced in my room. I screamed in my room. And when I was tired of my room, I jumped out and patrolled the halls, looking for where I could clear my head. I brushed my hair out of my eyes as I walked. The sun was low in the sky and the palace had been transformed into a kaleidoscope of colours.

I huffed as I walked past a corridor.

“Danika.”

I spun round immediately, intending to catch my assaulter in the jaw with my elbow. But Andras was faster. He backed away neatly at the last moment and lifted his hands in surrender.

“What is it that has you so full of anger? I’ve been calling your name since.”

I had intended to apologize to Andras, but my rage was not quite well spent.

“What has me this way, you ask? I’ll tell you. It’s your Alpha King or whatever he’s called now. It’s Finarfen! He’s the reason I’m this way.”

Andras stepped away, chuckling nervously, but I was on him in a second. “You really think that you’re still serving and following the correct person? After all this time, Andras, you still can’t tell that something has changed with your king? Your friend?”

Andras had a thoughtful look in his eyes, but his reply did nothing to assuage me.

“Finarfen is under a lot of pressure right now. And he’s only recently become king and Alpha. It is understandable that his behavior would change—”

“Codswallop, Andras! And you know it. Ever since that day in the arena, Finarfen just hasn’t been the same. Look at how he treats me. How he randomly asks about things that he’s done all his life. How his eyes stare with a different kind of intensity…”

I trailed off when I noticed the way that Andras was looking at me.

“I’m not mad,” I shrieked at him. “Finarfen is my friend, and he’s your friend too. So why do you keep acting like there’s nothing wrong with him? Like he’s the same… like everything is exactly the same?”

Andras chose his words carefully. “Danika, I think maybe you are the only one seeing these things because your relationship with Finarfen was… different… from the rest of us.”

I slapped him, seething. My hands would not stop vibrating.

“How dare you. Finarfen and I remained the best of friends and we never once had any such intentions towards each other. I was always his friend.” I glared at Andras for even thinking that there was anything going on between Finarfen and me.

No one was going to agree with me. Nobody thought anything was wrong. I was the crazy one.

I bowed my head, tired. I wondered why I had even brought it up. Of course, Finarfen was right, and I was the one who was making things up.

“Forget I ever said anything, Andras.”

“What are you going to do?” Andras called after me.

“I don’t know!” I yelled, because, in truth, I had no idea about the next step that I wanted to take. I only knew that I was not going crazy.

Finarfen was different.

Something had definitely changed.