Basorexia

Salty Tears.

Two days, seven hours, and twenty-eight minutes Jayson has been in the hospital asleep and yet to wake up. None of us knew what had happened. My heart had not stopped pounding since I left Leif’s house until I laid my eyes on him. My grandfather told me that they were by the pool when it happened. One moment Jayson was sitting there on the side splashing his feet then the next moment he was face down in the water, his arm floats keeping him at the top of the water.

If I would have had a choice, Jayson would have come to stay with me instead of with my grandparents. I was fully capable of taking care of him and myself at our house while my father was at work, but no. My father’s parents are old and are not capable of taking care of anything; they could hardly take care of themselves. I loved them, but I couldn’t understand why my father had sent him there. At any moment they could drop dead, and my brother would not know the first thing to do. I blamed them for not watching him closer, but I blamed my father more for sending him in the first place. Sometimes it felt I had more brains than this so-called CEO. Leif had driven me to the Brooks home to get a few things before we took off for the airport. I threw a few clothes in a backpack and ran out the door, leaving both the brothers standing in the doorway confused. Leif bought me a ticket on the next available flight without any questions asked. Although I wanted him to come with me, he knew it was a personal matter and said he would come out if I called for him. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and sent me through security.

My grandfather was fast asleep in the waiting room with his head rocked back, snoring loudly. My grandmother sat beside him, flipping through a magazine. She would scoff every time she saw a woman with what she called too revealing of clothing. They had tried to call my father, but he had been in a meeting. His secretary told us she would take a message and inform him shortly, but she wasn’t going to barge into his meeting and interrupt him. She hung up shortly after that. I knew texting him would do no good because he kept his phone in his desk drawer while in meetings.

Even if it was just a broken bone, I refused to sit near my grandparents. I would not have small talk with them after what had just happened. I needed time to cool off before we talked. Luckily, a nurse was able to escort me to the pediatrics waiting room instead. The room was silent, everyone was here for serious matters. Either sick or injured, none of them were here for fun. No one had much to say, no one tried to strike up conversation. Some eyes were filled with fresh tears, while others just had sad faces. You could pick out who had been here before and who was new just by their body language. Sniffling, I glanced up, hearing the soft ding of the elevator. "Tyler?" I whispered through my tears, seeing him standing there. He came towards me wrapping his arms around me as I clutched onto him for support. He walked with me back towards one of the sofas in the corner of the room.

“How did you-?” I asked him, confused about how he knew where I was.

“Your friend Leif let me know what was going on. I didn’t want you to go through this alone, I know it is hard.” I gave him a soft smile. He took my hand in his, it wasn’t in a romantic way but as a sign of support. It told me he was here for me.

I had yet to be allowed back to see my little tater tot and as the seconds ticked by, I was getting increasingly worried, scared about what was going on. I would watch as other parents and relatives were let back, even some that arrived after me went back first. I struggled to trust anyone with my brother, even the doctors.

Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I stared at the clock. I got here at ten last night and it was now three in the morning. My grandparents left saying the chairs were too hard for them and they would come back in the morning. I still had yet to hear from my father. Throughout the time we sat there, I had fallen asleep against Tyler. I was really scared about what was happening, but Tyler reassured me he was in the right place. He would leave to get food, but I was too worried to eat. I was afraid they would come out calling for me and I would not hear them.

"Family of Carter?" The doctor faintly called; I was nudged awake by Tyler. I was too exhausted to notice I fell asleep with my head in Tyler’s lap. Breathing deeply, I nodded to the doctor signaling to him I was Mr. Carter. "Are you both related to the patient? Only family is allowed back." he said. Looking at Tyler, I quickly spoke before Tyler could say anything.

"Yes, he's a cousin" I spoke out, the doctor was too tired to question it and just nodded. "Well, we checked him out and ran some tests on what was wrong, and we came across a few things. First, he was very dehydrated and was awfully close to heat stroke. He also does have a slight sunburn but nothing too serious."

He led us down the brightly colored hallways. Different nurses and staff walked around us as we moved. Each room we passed I would glance in trying to find Jayson, but most rooms were dark.

"When Jayson first arrived, he had a very swollen left lower leg. We treated him for his dehydration with some fluids and then set him off to get an x-ray. I am afraid to tell you what we found was not pleasant.” I swallowed a large lump in my throat, gripping tightly onto Tyler’s hand. He gave me a supportive squeeze back.

“We believe Jayson slipped and fell, striking his leg on the pool edge before falling is which caused the break. Normally, it takes extreme force to break children's bones because they are still developing. The swelling of your brother's leg was concerning so we sent the scans to a specialist who had us run more specific tests. It came back that he has Osteosarcoma in his left lower leg.” I stared at the doctor in confusion. I didn’t understand the term, I wasn’t a science health nerd.

“Osteosarcoma is bone cancer; the Osteosarcoma weakened his bones and caused his lower leg to be more brittle and easily snap when he fell. We gave him a cast which will fix the broken leg and prevent further injury." the doctor sighed before continuing. "The good news is that since we caught it at this moment it hasn't yet spread any further, and he has a higher chance of survival with treatment."

Cancer. A single word so many people are terrified to hear. Luckily, we were in a situation where money wasn’t a concern about his treatment, but I knew even with the most money in the world... even when it is caught early it doesn’t always guarantee survival.

"So, how are we going to make this thing go away?" I asked, fighting back tears wanting to be strong unlike anyone else in my family.

"We will start with some chemotherapy hoping the tumor will shrink and disappear. If we are unlucky there is the option of limb-sparing surgery where we will remove the tumor without having to remove his leg. Amputation is seen as the last option." The doctor said. After that, I had nothing to say to that. I was speechless.

The doctor led us to room 165 and then headed off to another patient leaving me and Tyler at the door. He told us a nurse would be by shortly to see us, but we could go in if we’d like. Sighing, I pushed open the door. My brother was sitting on the bed with a bright blue cast over his leg, playing with army figures. He wore blue cloud pajamas, matching his cast. The room was made for two patients. There two beds against the back wall, on the right hung a television and a chest of toys, the walls were painted as if it was a jungle and the room was as colorful as possible.

"Hey, tater-tot" I said, not recognizing my own voice with how dry and weak it sounded. I saw his small head whip around, his brown locks flapping as he grinned seeing me. "Mayson!" His voice spoke as he began to try and jump off the bed. It hurt me to see him struggle, but I was happy that he wasn't in pain. I quickly rushed to his side, so he didn’t have to move. "How are you doing buddy?" I asked, sinking down to his eye level.

He giggled "The doctor woke me up and put a silly sock on my leg, it's blue look Mayson!" He said happily, no doubt he was too young to understand what was going on and I was glad that in a way he did not know how serious this was. "I see babe, d-does it hurt?" I asked stuttering slightly. "Me-son I'm Superman!" he said proudly, his lips pushing together in a thin line and eyes growing wide making the adorable look he does in place of a smile. Jayson didn't show teeth when he smiled, of course when he laughed, but when he smiled his lips stayed together. Honestly, I like the lip smile better anyway. It was his own little thing.

I nodded laughing as I played action figures with him, it was like nothing had changed. I felt like mom was still alive and we were sitting in the living room playing with action figures while it snowed outside, and dad made hot chocolate. But it was different. It was all so different now.

"Mayson?" I looked up to see Tyler watching me, his eyes were full of worry, but the dark lining under his eyes told me he was ready to sleep. I had fallen asleep in the loveseat beside Jayson's bed. He had passed out, drugged from diverse types of medicine and painkillers. "Huh?" I asked rubbing my eyes sitting up in the seat, pulling the awkwardly small hospital blanket closer to me. "You've been out for a while; we should get back home. I gave them my number. They will call if anything changes" he said giving a gentle smile. I knew we had school, I knew we had to go back, but I didn’t want to leave him. I trusted they would call me in any situation. Plus, I could call the hospital for updates too. I gave Jayson a kiss on the forehead before leaving, taking a mental picture as I walked out the door.

Tyler walked with me out of the hospital. He had given me his hoodie, that looked more like a dress on me, to keep me warm as we walked out into the rain and to the car. During the drive to the airport and the flight home I tried to keep my mind off my brother, but he had cancer and there was no avoiding the fact. "When we get to the house you're going straight to bed," he said to me like I was a little kid.

Hunter still wasn't at the house when we arrived. It didn’t matter much to me, it wasn’t any of my business. "You can come sleep in my bed tonight if you want company, I know what you're going through" for some reason that made me laugh. Not one of those laughs you have when you see a dog in a funny outfit, or the laugh when someone tickles you: no, it was the laugh you make when you are about to try and make someone regret what they just said.

"Really Tyler? Do you really know how I feel right now? My brother has bone cancer. I doubt that you honestly, genuinely believe how I feel right now. So don't even try to go that direction in this conversation, because it's not going to end the way you expect it to." I screamed at him, feeling my body tense, all veins racing trying to get rid of the anger boiled up inside me. The anger towards my brother's unlucky turn, my stepmother, my mom's death, school; it was just like everything I've held was coming undone at this moment. Suddenly, Tyler sped the car into the garage and parked it, causing my body to almost crash into the dashboard if it wasn't for the seat belt around me. Regretting instantly what I had said, I looked at an enraged Tyler turning in his seat to face me, and the garage slowly closed behind us.

"You really don't think that I may have the slightest clue on what you're going through? You don’t know me, Mayson. You’ve lived under the same roof as me for less than a week. You know nothing about what I’ve experienced.” I could see from his facial expression I had opened something deep inside him.

“Hunter and I had an older sister, Hope. She was our everything, although we were her younger brothers, we protected her like she was all we had. As kids we fought about everything but Hope always brought us together.” He sat in silence, his eyes locked onto mine. The silent chirp of crickets outside was all that you could hear other than our heavy breathing.

“One night...” he paused, debating on telling me, “She was driving home from her boyfriend's house after they had a fight. My mom got the call at three in the morning telling me she was found on the side of the highway unconscious. Luckily someone had stopped to check it out. She was unconscious in the hospital for a few days before she woke up, but she didn’t remember anything. The doctors diagnosed her with something called glioblastoma multiforme, a tumor in her brain. After the accident she slowly started to drift away.”

“The doctors let us bring her home, but they warned us about what to expect. They warned us, but... they didn’t tell us how fast it would come. We thought we’d have a few more years. First, she lost control of her hands then the seizures set in.” I watched as a tear rolled down his cheek. I couldn’t move, I was in shock. I didn’t want to interrupt him, it wasn’t my turn to talk. I was meant to just sit there and listen.

“Hunter and I tried everything we could after that. We stayed in bed with her, aided her, try to distract her and make her feel like nothing was wrong, but nothing stopped the tumor from growing. She was in so much pain, she would wake up screaming. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night still hearing it.” He stopped, whipping a tear away from his cheek. Tyler turned away from me, facing forward in the seat. He stared down at his hands, rubbing them together.

“Hunter made a choice. A choice he regrets up to this day. Our parents had been working weekends to get extra money for Hope’s treatments. One Saturday night I went out to get her seizure medicine from the drug store. Hunter and Hope were watching a movie when I left. I thought everything was okay, she was smiling.” Tyler couldn’t stop the shaky smile that hit his lips. His head fell back, staring at the roof of the car as he tried to hold back tears.

“He told me she started to break down during the movie. She asked Hunter to do something she wasn't strong enough to do herself. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. Hunter waited for her to fall asleep then took a pillow and-, he stopped the pain. We were both only fifteen at the time and she was seventeen. Hunter and I promised we'd never speak of it to anyone.” Tyler sighed, clearing his throat before glancing to me.

“What he did changed him. The way Hunter is now is much different than who he was before. He turned to the partying and the drinking to forget everything, all the pain. He still blames himself. He wanted to help her, but I know he still asks himself ‘what if’. I see it in his eyes every time he walks past her old room, every time that one movie is on, every time that one day of the year passes. He’s still hurting inside... we both are. So yes, Mayson, I do know what you're going through, I know it better than you, I know more. Hopefully they can help Jayson before you lose the person that means everything to you, just like I lost mine."

He sat there staring at me, although his eyes weren't focused on me, they passed right through me. He was focused on her like she was standing right in front of him. His eyes were wide. The blue sky eyes I used to see were replaced by this dark abyss looking for light. He wasn't there when she died, he came home to a lifeless sister that was taken over by the evil that filled her head. I didn't know what to say, yes, I was wrong about him not understanding. I was more than wrong. I understood now that all the parties Hunter threw weren't because he was looking for trouble, it wasn't just his way of having fun. It was a funeral for the part of him that he lost when his sister died.

"Tyler..." I sighed watching his eyes focus back on me. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I know you've heard that thousands of times. I'm not going to tell you that it'll get easier cause I- I don't know if it does. But I am sorry for assuming that you had no idea what I was going through. You lost hope and no girl will ever be able to come close to how much she meant to you, but you'll always have Hunter. If I lose Jayson, I'll have no one."

That was what broke me down, the realization that if I lose him, I lose the one person that means something to me. I thought I was dry out of tears from the hospital, but once it hit me that if I lose him, I lose myself, tears came running down my face. Tyler got out of the car and came around to my side, pulling me out and carrying me inside. Once we were inside, he sat me on the couch, kneeling in front of me. Tears poured out my eyes, racing down my cheeks. I rambled on about how this couldn’t be real, how I couldn’t lose him.

"Mayson" Tyler breathed trying to calm my sobs. "Mayson" he repeated quietly, several times, as he slowly peeled my hands from my face. "Mayson," he said loud and firmly as he locked eyes with me. His sudden outburst caused me to stop my rants, my pleas for this to all be a dream. His hand cupped my cheek, "Close your eyes," he said.

"Wh-what?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Close your eyes." He repeated, brushing my hair out of my face. I did as he said closing my eyes, I felt his thumbs rub over my eyelashes, pushing away the salty tears. "Calm your breathing," he said as I felt his second hand place itself on the other side of my face, I nodded taking a breath in then releasing it. For a slight moment, the crying stopped, and the hyperventilating calmed down. "Just... focus" He breathed. I parted my dry lips to speak but before I could, his lips against mine were all that I could focus on.