A Man's Cold World

Fifteen

Fifteen

Seeing the girl in his dreams with another man is so painful for Kurt. Nagtagis ang bangang niya at ikinuyom ang mga palad habang nakatitig sa kawalan.

Ang nasaksihan niya kagabi ang siyang nagpapatibok nga puso niya ng sobrang lakas hanggang ngayon. Hindi niya kayanga dayain ang isipan at ang puso niya.

Labis siyang nasaktan.

It's so painful that his eyes began to flow tears. He couldn't bear the thought of her being held by another man. It's so painful that his body began to feel unease and it's like killing him..

Shit. Magaspang na pinunasan niya ang mga mata saka huminga ng malalim. What am I doing? Why the hell he is crying?

Mga tanong na ang hirap intindihin at sagutin!

He went outside and put his two hands on the railing of his balcony. Nakatingin sa ibaba na tila ba nandoon ang lahat ng kasagutan sa mga gumugulo sa isipan.

Sabina in Mallari's arms. She smiled at the man like she used to smile at him. She lean on at Mallari's chest like she did to him.

At ang masaklap, ang mga ngiting iyon ay nababanaag ang katiwasayan. Her face was brighten up when she saw Mallari. And that pained Kurt the most. He was there, ready to be her knight but the man she's belong to was there right in front of her and that was the moment of truth.

The moment that Kurt knew he f****d up.

"Damn it!"

He went back inside, took a bottle of whisky. Grab his guitar and went out again. May mga upuan doon, pero mas pinili niyang umupo sa sahig.

He took the bottle that he put down a while ago at uminom, walang baso. Even a glass of water.

Nang makainom, ibinaba niya ulit iyon at inumpisahan ang paglaro sa gitara.

Twenty-five years and my life is still

Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

For a destination

At first, he was banging his head to feel the music,together with his feet. He's just jammin'.

I realized quickly when I knew I should

That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

For whatever that means

And then he felt the lyrics not the music anymore. And it hurts. It pains his heart.

And so I cry sometimes

When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar.

His life.. What the f**k is going on with his life??

And so I wake in the morning

And I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream from the top of my lungs

What's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea

I said hey, what's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea

I said hey, what's going on?

"s**t" the more he realize what's going with his life, the more he can get anxious. He chuckled. Habang tumatawa ay umiiling. Sa isip niya ay tila ba nababaliw na siya.

Ang buhay niya ay tila isa na lang laro para sa kanya. He was so proud of himself that even the world couldn't win against him this past years.

He was surrounded by pain, hatred, and sorrows but in the end, he's still alive and kicking. No one, not anyone can move him. He set boundaries. Hewas like a strong mountain. He made his self hard as rock.

But what is it for now? Sa isang babae lang ay nagkaka ganito na siya. Napangisi siya. He scoffed and tsskd.

and I try, oh my god do I try

I try all the time, in this institution

And I pray, oh my god do I pray

I pray every single day

For a revolution.

Though he is not good in praying, he might —yeah, might —pray again. Like was before. This time, to pray for the woman he's in love with.

Yeah. This must be love. Kasi hindi siya masasaktan ng ganito kung hindi ito pagmamahal.

And so I cry sometimes

When I'm lying bed

Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning

And I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream from the top of my lungs

What's going on?

Yun bang nag selos siya sa isang tao subalit hindi niya alam kung bakit. Yeah, this must be love? Isn't it? Hindi naman lust kasi nga hindi naman s*x ang habol niya sa dalaga. Kung s*x lang sana 'di sana naka ilang ulit na niya itong' natikman' simula pa noong naramdaman niyang bumigay ito sa mga halik niya pero hindi e.

Ang atensyon nito ang gusto niya. Iyon bang matatawag niyang 'kanya'. Wala ng iba pa.

Twenty-five years and my life is still

Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

for a destination

Destination.. Muli ay tumawa lang siya. Inulit ulit ang pagtugtog sa gitara, inulit ulit din ang kanta hanggang sa maubos ang laman ng bote ng whisky.

Nang lumingon sa may pinto, napa kunot noo siya ng makita doon sina Goldwyn at Jonas na naka upo din sa sahig habang may hawak na tig isang bote ng beer.

Siguro sadyang naka focus lang siya sa pagkanta kaya hindi niya namalayan ang mga ito.

"Feel better?" anang Goldwyn sabay taas sa hawak na bote at tumango na tila ba iyon ang ang pagkaka sabi sa salitang 'cheers' bago itinungga iyon.

Kurt sighed. "What" hindi iyon patanong. Wala siya sa mood magtanong ng kahit ano mang bagay sa ngayon. At hindi na rin niya kailangan pang tanungin paano nakapasok ang mga ito at kung saan galing ang mga beer na hawak dahil alam naman niyang malaya ang mga itong gawin ang lahat ng naisin sa bahay niya.

"What's going on?" anang Jonas.

"Yan din ang tanong ko" Kurt said "What's going on with you guys? Why are you here all of a sudden? Anything happened?" walang amor na saad niya.

Nagsasalita na lang yata siya e para may masabi man lang. Wala na siyang emosyon.

"Yeah. Talk to the moon idiot" anang Goldwyn saka tumungga.

"I'm sorry dude" it was Jonas.

"Yes ah, you said she's single. I told you she was engaged because I saw her ring but you insisted she wasn't and I believed in you idiot. Di sana hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili ko na malagay sa alanganin—"

"—I don't know okay? Hindi ko alam na may jowa 'yong tao" saad ni Jonas na nakadipa pa sa ere.

"f**k it" Kurt said in frustration.

"Jowa lang naman e. Hindi pa asawa" anang Jonas.

Kurt scoffed amd smirked "Hindi ako mang aagaw"

"Pray. Okay. Just pray na maghiwalay sila" saad naman ni Goldwyn. Why not. They were there. The three of them saw all last night.

"Kanino ako magdarasal? Kay Satanas? Ipagdasal na nga lang sa masama pa gago ka pala e" walang anumang saad ng lalaki.

"Kumanta ka na lang pre." Jonas suggested.

"Oo, mas maganda iyon" Goldwyn added.

"Tang ina niyo"

Morning came and Kurt decided to face reality. He texted Sabina to meet him on the lake. It's still early. He decided to jog and at the same time to talk to her and finish everything.

All should be done accordingly. And maybe his assignment will be canceled too because Mallari is better than him.

Maybe López didn't know yet that the woman has a relationship with one of the highest ranking official on the underground world.

Habang nag di-jogging, iniisip niya kung ano ang sasabihin niya sa dalaga. Kailangan niyang maging matatag.

Nang makarating sa lake, napabuga siya ng marahas ng makitang nandoon na ang dalaga.

And the worst part was, she's wearing a uniform.

"Hi" anang Sabina. She's smiling and Kurt got irritated when he remembered what happened last night

Pero nag alangan pa rin siyang magsalita. But then again, he needs to.

Kurt being serious. "Let's not meet again" dahil kapag hindi ka dumistansya, aagawin kita kahit sa kung sinong mataas na tao ka nabibilang.

Napakunoot noo ang dalaga. "Ha? Why?"

"Walang dahilan. Kung ayaw mong mapariwara at masira ang buhay mo, iwasan mong makita ako" walang anumang saad ng lalaki.

He was— cold as ice. Like he was before meeting her. And that made Sabina felt weakened.

"Anong pinagsasabi mo, lasing ka ba?" saad ni Sabina sabay hahawakan sana ang mukha ng lalaki pero iniiwas nito iyon.

Natigilan ang dalaga at nasaktan sa ginawi nito. Her heart ripped off. Akala niya he was just joking but hell, he's not.

Aminado siyang nanghihina na ang kalooban niya. Ang katawan niya ay tila ba unti unti ng nauupos. Nanginginig ang kalamnan niya na hindi niya maipaliwanag ang nararamdamang sakit.

"What the f**k is wrong with you ha?" her voice cracked. Pero hindi niya maiwasang tumaas ang boses niya. Who cares? She's upset!

" Nothing " Kurt said nonchalantly.

Nothing? Just like that? Damn it!!

" Hey! — hinablot ni Sabina ang isang kamay ng lalaki— look at me, what's with you? What the f**k is wrong with you?! Kailangan ba lumuhod ako sa harapan mo para lang kausapin mo ako?! Akala ko ba okay na tayo ha?!"

"Akala ko din" walang ganang saad ng lalaki.

"f**k you Gazmen! The hell! Go to hell!!!"

Nanginig ang boses niya. Hindi niya alam kung paano pakalmahin ang sarili. Mas masakit pa ito sa break-up e. Kasi this is just the beginning but might be the end already.

Iyong tipong akala niya magiging okay na ang lahat pero sa umpisa pa lang, puro peke lang pala.

She wiped her tears, yeah. She's now crying but who the hell cares? She wants to let the pain out! "I'm an idiot. A big big idiot because I don't know why I wanted to be with you all along. Kung sana hindi ako naglakas loob na maging parte ka ng buhay ko, di sana hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon!

Putang ina lang e! Nakaka Putang ina dahil I hoped! I hoped that one day you open your heart with me! That one day you let me in in your life!

Shuta. Ang tanga tanga ko lang na naniwala sa puso ko— she wiped her tears that keep falling in her cheek, saka tumango tango —okay. Yeah. I agree with you. Let's not meet again. Good bye! "

Nagmartsa siyang lumayas sa harapan ng lalaki. Imagine, the lake that she used to let her stress out is now the lake that witnessed her first heartbreak. And probably the last.

Akala niya okay na sila, he took care of her like she's a princess when she had menstrual cramps. He let her feel how a woman supposed to be taken care off in times like that.

He took care of her when her anxiety attacked when a thunder strike. He kissed her, caress her body like he owned her.

Ang masakit, hinayaan niyang mahulog siya sa bitag nito. And now? She left broken.

Once again, the people that surround her made her feel thesame as old her. Para siyang isang pahina ng libro na pwedeng itiklop na lang kahit hindi binabasa dahil sa wala namang kwenta at ang buong storya ay dumadaloy pa din kahit na wala ang pahinang iyon.

A useless queen.

She went to her car, leaning the back of her head to the headrest of the driver's seat. Letting her eyes full flow her tears. Minding her own business and world.

This phase of her life is sure to be her best lesson. To not have hope in everything.

Dahil masakit, napaka sakit sa dam damin ang umasa sa wala.

Kurt was just staring at the peaceful water in the lake. Punong puno siya ng tattoo, pero hindi siya ganoon ka tigasin na inaakala ng iba. Sa pagkaka alam niya, sa mga mata ng tao, isa siyang tigasin, matatag pero sa totoo lang, isa siyang mahinang nilalang.

Sa isang iglap, nawala ang lahat ng katinuang meron siya. Sa isang babae siya nagkaka ganito. Napatingin siya sa isang braso. Kitang kita niya ang tattoo niya doon dahil naka lihis hanggang siko ang sleeve ng suot niyang damit.

It says 'struggle'.

Struggle it is.. Aniya sa isipan. And the rest was just a big question. She's upset? While she was the one who break his heart being with another man? Nasaan ang hustisya?