Moving Forward

Dating Again

                After looking at and reading several profiles I had finally decided to contact a few of the men that had contacted me.  Part of me was scared and another part of me was excited.  I wondered what it was about me that so many guys would be interested.  As far as I could tell there were not outstanding qualities that I possessed if anything I had several strikes against me.  I was a fat and plain widow woman with five young boys.  Who would want someone like that?  I arranged to meet up with two guys at first, we had chatted for a while online and I was comfortable enough to meet them somewhere.  The first guy was really nice, and we hit it off.  We started developing a great friendship and would talk every night.  He was a firefighter and while he wasn’t available for dating all the time, we did go out a few times.  One night we were chatting on the phone, and he was telling me the story of how liked to walk through his house naked.  I laughed and mentioned that I hoped he at least drew his blinds, so the world didn’t see his possessions.  He chuckled and said “I used to only draw the front blinds but now I draw them all.  I wasn’t worried before because my back neighbors were lesbians so they wouldn’t be looking at me.”  I laughed and told him just because they were lesbians didn’t mean they wouldn’t look.  He continued telling me that one day while he was working in his yard, he had taken his shirt off when a nice little old lady he had only seen a few times walked by with her little dog.  She asked him if he could help her get some things out of her garage and he told her he would be happy to help.  He had told her that he would just go inside and get a shirt on to which she had replied that he didn’t need to.  He went to her house and was shocked to find out that she had led him to the lesbian’s house behind him.  When he asked her if she was visiting, she informed him that she lived there.  I couldn’t help but laugh at him and asked if she really needed something from the garage.  He said yes, she did but they didn’t go through the garage door she led him through the house and their kitchen which held a wonderful view right into his kitchen where he often walked through in the nude.  I couldn’t help but laugh at him.  While he was fun to be around, he and I ended up going our separate ways.

                There were a few other guys that I had made dates with.  One gentleman tried to get me out on a date, but I wasn’t interested in him when he started telling me how his mother still balanced his checkbook for him and paid his bills.  Hell, I had five young boys I didn’t need an adult one.  If the grown man still needed his mommy to make sure that his bills were paid, and his check book was balanced I sure as heck didn’t need that man.  I wanted a man that would complete me if we became an item and that man surely wouldn’t, he would burn me out.  I dated a few other firefighters.  One was a player and only wanted to get into the pants of any woman he could.  He was good looking and was able to get it done.  He was called “the silver fox” by many women.  He was handsome but at that time in my life I just couldn’t see having s*x with anyone.  I didn’t want to go that far in a relationship.  It had been over twenty-six years since I had dated, and I was completely out of practice.  I was starting to conclude that men were pigs, and I was going to give up dating.  The other firefighter I dated was socially awkward and I felt sorry for him but was not in the least bit attracted to him even for a friend.  I was looking for someone that would go out with me to places and be able to let loose and have fun and that guy was not someone who could do that when he got nervous at a coffee shop.  Then there was Mr. Touchy Feely.  I dubbed him that because I couldn’t even remember his name.  We went out on one date and while we were at the date, he asked several questions about me and my kids.  I informed him as I had informed everyone else that if something happened between us, he needed to understand that my kids would be respectful enough to call him by his name but would not be forced to call him dad.  He piped up and said, “well if we got married, I would be their step-dad and they would have to call me dad.”  Strike one dude I thought to myself because nobody was going to come in and force that relationship on my kids.  I would rather be alone until they were all of age than to let that happen.  Then he started touching me and rubbing my arms telling me how he would treat a woman the way he would expect another man to treat his sister or niece.  When I told him that I wasn’t interested in a relationship beyond friendship at this time he asked me when he would know that I was ready.  I showed him the wedding ring still on my finger and told him “When this ring moves from this hand to the other hand, I am ready for more of a relationship but until then we can only be friends.”  He told me he understood and not even five minutes later he was back to touching me all over again.  I called my babysitter and asked how the kids were doing and then made the excuse that my baby was sick, and I would have to go home.  He kept texting me and messaging me on the dating app telling me he was sorry and how he made a bad first impression could we please start all over again.  I just kept ignoring him hoping he would go away.  Finally, one day after a long day of the kids acting up, he sent me a message again begging for another chance and I replied to him in not so nice a way.  “I’ve got five needy little bastards here at home I sure as hell don’t need an adult one.”  I think he got the message and didn’t contact me ever again.  Don’t get me wrong I would never call my boys those names but after a day of fighting with them and then him being like that I snapped on him.  I had one guy that had figured since I had five kids that meant that I loved s*x and all I could do was shake my head.

                After those experiences I wasn’t sure that I wanted to date any longer as I was finding that men were nothing but pigs.  I wasn’t really wanting any kind of relationship outside of friendship anyhow.  I wasn’t planning of having s*x any time soon.  Hell, that thought of fulfilling that need was not part of my plan when I started dating.  I met this other guy online and we started to chat.  He was looking for the same thing I was just someone to be friends with that could also go out socially once in a while.  We chatted almost every night and never actually met in person.  It was great being able to have a conversation with another adult even if it was online.  I would tell him a lot about my kids and my life with my husband before he died.  He could have been a great friend but in the end, we weren’t for each other.  I made a few more contacts with others on the dating app and struck up a small conversation with this guy that called himself Bob. While I was intrigued with this Bob, I was leery to date him as I didn’t want another Bob in my life.  I had already had that and there would never be another to replace him in my heart if I was truly going to find someone else to love again, they would have to have a different name.  But something in my inner core told me that I needed to give this guy a chance.  He questioned about the kids and made a comment that with that many kids it would make it hard for us to get to know one another.  I explained to him that I wasn’t going to let him meet my children until we had gotten to know each other better in the first place and that I would get a babysitter to sit with them when we went out on a date to get to know each other.  That my life mostly revolved around my kids and that if that was something he couldn’t handle then there was no real future for us.  He said he understood and would still like to meet me if I was still willing to meet with him.  I wasn’t opposed to giving the guy a chance.  So, we decided to meet one another and see how we would mesh together.  I wasn’t holding my breath because frankly they can sound good online but get them in person and it could be something totally different.  I didn’t really care if this guy worked out or not.  If he didn’t not big deal, I was going to take down my profile and put a hold on this dating thing for a while.  If he seemed to be a good person to develop with then I was still taking down my profile because I was done with guys hitting on me for nothing more than just s*x.

                So, I arranged for my sister to watch my kids for me while I went out on a date with this guy named Bob.  My sister asked me how long I was going to be, and I told her that I was done with dating, so I was going to call her in thirty to forty-five minutes, and she was going to tell me that one of the kids were sick and I was going to leave.  Then I wouldn’t date again for some time.  I needed to wrap my head around the idea of how the world had changed.  How dating and relationships had changed.  We arranged to meet at a local Chinese restaurant and when I arrived, he was already there.  I had asked him what I should wear, and he informed me that he wanted to see what I wore on an everyday type of basis.  Like if I was going to the grocery store.  So, I did just that.  I put my hair up in a ponytail, put on some jeans and a shirt and met the guy.  He handed me a rose when we first met, and I thought it was so sweet.  Being a little old fashioned (as I was raised by my grandmother with very old-fashioned views) I let him order for the two of us and just enjoyed his taste in food.  We talked about a lot of things, and I found that I expressed my feelings quite openly not caring if he liked them or not as I probably wouldn’t be seeing him again.  We talked in the restaurant for a good hour and a half. Then he asked if I would like to go walk along the canyon rim with him so that we could chat some more.  I readily agreed not even thinking about the time.  We each drove our own car to the canyon, and we walked, sat but mostly talked for another hour and a half.  He had put his arms around me and held me.  He even kissed me, and it felt so right.  I told him about the dating experiences I had and the encounter with Mr. Touchy Feely.  He was worried that he went to far with the kiss and I assured him that he hadn’t that for some reason it felt right.  He reiterated to me that my kids were his only concern when it came to developing any kind of relationship with me and I told him that I respected that.  That we would take things one step at a time and see where fate would take us.  My sister called at some point and asked when I was coming home and that’s when I realized we had been out for a total of three hours.  I made my goodbyes but not before exchanging numbers so that we could chat some more.  Later that night we were texting each other and my heart was fluttering once again for a man, and I knew I wanted more than friendship with this man.